“Thank you.” Alexa slid off the edge of the plane onto a tarmac surface and then lifted both babies, bouncing and making shushing sounds as she cradled them in her arms. She hadn’t expected the runway to be so nice. According to Jason’s pre-mission briefing, the American actor who owned it had spared no expense for his private airfield. Not only was it paved, it had landing lights that had somehow been turned on. Apparently, Brandon Marlowe was a Hollywood superstar, but she was so far out of the loop when it came to pop culture that she’d never heard of him.
Beyond the runway and a line of palm trees, a two-story house—large for the island, but tame by American standards—loomed out of the dark, its whitewashed stucco lit like a national monument. A six-foot wall encircled the property, accessible through an ornate iron gate, and enough plantation land surrounded the main house to ensure they wouldn’t be seen by nosy neighbors.
Caitlyn took Dan and Jason, who both shouldered their backpacks, down a path outlined by landscape lights, through the gate, and up a gravel walkway. Once they disappeared into the house, the interior lights blinked on one by one, lower level, then upper level, until the windows glowed with warmth.
Dan returned through the gate and approached Alexa. “All clear.”
Jason and Caitlyn were right behind him. Todd joined them all, weighed down by gear, and peered into the cargo hold. “Who needs a ride?”
Carter jumped up. “Me do!”
God, where did he get that energy after everything he’d been through? The poor kid was going to crash once they got a little food and water into his belly.
Todd held out his arms and the little boy practically leaped into them, forcing the man to take a step back. He chuckled and gave Caitlyn a self-conscious glance. “Where to?”
Jason stepped forward. “We’re putting the babies in the living room and the older kids in the kitchen until we have them all fed and cleaned up. Then we’ll move them upstairs. The house isn’t really baby-proofed, so we’ll have to keep a close eye on the kids. I promised Brandon he’d never know we were here.”
Todd raised his eyebrows. “How well do you know him?”
“Not well.” Jason shrugged. “He’s a friend of an old modeling buddy. But when I told him what we were doing, he agreed to help.”
The redhead scowled and sent a yearning look toward Caitlyn before turning away. Poor guy. It would be hard to compete with a former model.
And that’s when Jason’s face clicked in Alexa’s mind. He had graced a billboard near her apartment during her entire junior year of college. He must have been modeling underwear, given his distinct lack of clothing in the picture she remembered. She and her friends hadn’t paid much attention to the label. They’d been too distracted by…other things.
She caught Dan’s frown as he watched her cheeks heat. Silly man. He was just as beautiful as Jason.
“With Frederick’s rebels making trouble,” Jason continued, “he doesn’t feel like it’s safe here. But he can’t sell the place. Nobody’s buying.”
The rebels had been more of a ragtag band of guerrillas when she and Dan had been on the island three years ago. Stagnating recovery, high unemployment, and government corruption had made it easy for SIR to expand since then.
Alexa forced her thoughts away from underwear models and rebel armies and stepped to the side with the now-sleeping infants. “Flore, can you help Laurette?”
Both girls were subdued as they let Dan lift them from the plane. Flore held Laurette’s hand and they waited in silence, their sweet faces drawn.
Dan and Caitlyn reached for the two remaining girls, and Jason lifted a sleeping boy named Phillip into his arms, clearing the plane. He led the way up the walk to the house. The back door—protected by a keypad—stood ajar and he gently pushed it open.
An overhead fluorescent light revealed a turquoise mudroom with black rubber flooring, stacked with surfboards, boogie boards, a shorty wetsuit, flippers, and snorkel gear.
The doorway opened to a central hall that led straight to the front door, with wide flanking arches that provided access to various rooms.
Cream-colored tile floors amplified the noise as they all shuffled into the elegantly decorated space with native woodcarvings set into alcoves that had been painted terra cotta to contrast with the sky blue walls. Despite its lack of occupancy, the place was spotless. The actor was at least contributing to the local economy by hiring a housekeeper.
Jason led them into a white-and-blue-themed living room where the overstuffed leather couch, love seat, and settee were all angled to take in the ocean view that was probably visible through the floor-to-ceiling window during the day.
By unspoken agreement, Dan and Alexa cleaned up the infants while the others helped the older kids wash their hands and get snacks in the kitchen.
“Do they teach that in PJ school?” she asked, watching him change Jazzie’s diaper with the speed and expertise of an experienced father. “Or are you just a natural?”
He winked. “I’m a man of many talents.”
Her insides fizzed. Didn’t she know it?
“Actually,” he said, slipping a clean onesie over the writhing baby’s head with ease, “before my sister died, my mom had a home-based day care. I used to help out after school.” He slid her a look. “Sold me on birth control.”
She laughed even as her heart did a little flip. “I was a disaster at diapers when I started my pediatric clinicals, but I learned fast.”
Flore padded into the room and sidled up to her.
“Feeling better?” Alexa asked.
The girl nodded and her face lit. “Jason makes good sandwiches.”
“Is no female immune?” Dan asked with mock disgust.
Alexa rolled her eyes and addressed Flore. “Do you need anything else before bed?”
She bit her lip. “Actually, can I help? I love the babies.”
Alexa smiled. Flore had enjoyed hanging out in the clinic too, playing nurse. First with her mother, and later with Alexa or Garfield. “Of course.” She asked Flore to help Todd by ferrying bottles of formula to the living room and then got her situated to feed nine-month-old Esther. Flore cradled the baby with a wan smile on her face, stroking the infant’s hair and cheeks and talking softly to her.
The sight made Alexa’s chest hurt. Please don’t let me fail her or the others.
Caitlyn popped her head in to bid them goodbye, her face betraying her relief as she escaped. Was it all the children, or the brooding looks Todd sent her way? Alexa had barely spoken to the woman, but her absence left a void in the male-dominated house. The high-pitched whine of the small plane’s motors penetrated the walls as the engines wound up for takeoff before fading into the distance.
When all of the kids were taken care of, the adults took them upstairs and settled them on the beds. Then Alexa and the men took turns showering. She borrowed a fresh black T-shirt from the seemingly endless supply Dan had in his bag and twisted her damp hair into a knot on top of her head. Being clean was heaven, but now there was nothing keeping her from the enticingly pristine sheets of the bed except duty.
Dan and Alexa had Flore, Laurette, two-year-old Noeme, Esther, and the tiny baby, Jazzie, in the master bedroom that fronted the house. Todd and Jason were taking turns watching the three boys in a guest room and keeping watch.
Alexa ached to crawl under the covers of the heavy wooden California King—preferably with Dan—but she stifled a yawn and rolled the bedding to make barriers so the babies wouldn’t turn over and fall out of bed. She placed the infants widthwise in the center between the makeshift bumpers, flanked by Noeme and Laurette, with Flore at the head.
Within minutes, the children were asleep, their tiny breaths filling the air. Dan flicked off the overhead light, leaving only a glow from behind the master bathroom’s half-closed door. Her gaze locked with his across the bed and her chest fluttered.
Slowly, he approached around the foot of the four-poster and held out his hand. S
hivering, she took it and followed him to a wide chaise lounge in front of a bay window adorned with turquoise dupioni silk drapes. He didn’t say a word, just lay down on his side and waved her toward the makeshift bed.
CHAPTER TWELVE
ALEXA WOKE TO A WARM, gentle kiss at the base of her neck. Goosebumps spread across her skin, and her body flared to life.
A baby’s cry brought her response to a crashing halt.
“Esther’s up,” Dan said in her ear with a soft laugh.
For a normal woman, this could be a preview of her future. Instead it was a cruel reminder of the choices she’d made.
A horrible keening built inside her, pressing on her chest like an ever-expanding balloon as the reality of all the precious moments she would never have with this man hit her in a rush.
She opened her eyes. Watery yellow light entered the room around the edges of thick roller shades that covered the windows. She slid from the chaise lounge, still fully dressed, ignoring her protesting muscles and Dan’s hot gaze.
With a quick rub to her face, she yawned, stretched, and reached for Esther. Dan rose behind her and padded across the thick carpet to comfort Jazzie, who had awoken and was now gearing up for a full cry. Flore opened her eyes, but the smaller girls slept through the commotion.
Five minutes later, after changing both diapers and enlisting Flore’s help to watch over the others, they retreated downstairs to heat formula.
Alexa collapsed onto the living room couch and let her eyes fall shut while the baby in her arms sucked hungrily from a bottle.
The cushion dipped and she opened her eyes. Dan sat next to her with Jazzie tucked close to his chest, holding a bottle to her tiny mouth. “She’s a greedy little thing,” he said softly, as the baby ate with gusto.
He had raised the shade to display a breathtaking view of Lucien’s Bay, sparkling in the morning sun that rose from behind the house. But she could only stare at him, her heart doing a little flip at the picture he made as he gazed down at the squirming infant. You’ll be an incredible dad.
To someone else’s children. The thought slapped her across the face.
God, she was so many kinds of fool. For getting involved with him. For falling in love with him.
“I lied about something.” He looked over at her with those beautiful hazel eyes, his dark hair sticking up in all directions. “I was thinking marriage and babies three years ago.” He shifted Jazzie in his arms. “I did want forever, and I thought you might feel the same way if we had more time together.”
Her throat tightened and she swallowed hard. Part of her wanted to run away from his words; the other part of her wanted to hear more. He probably expected her to say something, but she didn’t know how to respond. She’d wanted all of those things too, which was precisely why she’d let him go.
He looked at the sweet girl in his arms and stuck out his pinky finger so her tiny, flailing fist could latch on. “I love you, Lys.” His low voice touched her like a caress on her soul. “I never stopped.”
“No.” The word came out on a choked breath. “Please, don’t.”
He gave her a sad smile. “Baby, that’s like asking gravity not to pull me down when I jump from a plane.”
The growing daylight illuminated his handsome face through the front window, and love shone clearly, from his high cheekbones to his proud nose to his strong chin.
His love buoyed her even as it weighed her down. A joy she didn’t want to live without. A burden she didn’t know how to bear. She wanted to jump up and shout at him to take it back. To take all of his love and hope and go home.
There were no happy endings in her life.
“Dan…” Her despair saturated the word like red wine on a silk shirt.
He stood and held her captive with his gaze. “I don’t expect to change your mind. I can’t make you love me. I just needed to put that out there before you made a decision.”
Her chest turned hollow. I do love you. “It’s not that simple,” she said. “If it were just about love…”
Something flickered in his eyes, and she shook her head as he approached. “It’s my fault Despina’s dead,” she blurted, clapping her mouth shut as soon as the words escaped.
His eyebrows dropped and he frowned, taking the seat next to her again. “Tell me.” His voice was soft and supportive and commanding.
Something broke loose inside her and for the first time, she wanted to tell someone. He deserved to know why they couldn’t be together. To finally understand why she kept pushing him away.
Keeping her eyes on the undulating ocean at the bottom of the cliff outside, she took a deep breath and hugged Esther—who had stopped feeding and fallen asleep—close to her breast. “We were fifteen. Fraternal twins, but still inseparable. Our mom had died in childbirth and my dad let the nanny raise us and Thad, while he built Palaimon into the empire it is today. We had our own language, and an almost psychic connection. No one’s opinion mattered as much as Des’.”
She cleared her throat. “Neither of us was very popular in school. Too shy, too bookish, too desperate for our dad’s approval to party with the other rich kids, especially after Thad left for college when we were ten. But then I developed a crush on this boy I tutored for chemistry. Tyler. He was a junior who drove a Beemer and played varsity basketball. I pretty much obsessed over him the way teenage girls do, and I couldn’t believe it when he invited me and my sister to a party.”
Dan didn’t make a sound. She could almost forget he was there. And maybe because of that, she could keep going.
“Des didn’t want to go, but I was desperate for it. I’d never kissed a boy and I thought this might be my chance. My relationship with our dad couldn’t get any worse. What did I have to lose?” If she’d only known. Alexa looked down at Esther’s sweet face. This little girl, Flore, Carter, all of the children, had faced far more tragedy than Alexa.
“My sister finally relented and everything went great at first. We snuck out and Tyler picked us up down the street. Everyone at the party accepted us as if we were regulars. We drank cheap beer and pretended it wasn’t disgusting, and Des was smiling and having fun.” Her throat tightened. “At some point I let Tyler steal me away to an empty room. I got my first kiss and then some, but he wanted more than I was ready for. When I told him no, he got angry and stalked out.”
Dan reached over and grasped her free hand in his own, giving her a reassuring squeeze.
“Feeling sorry for myself, I rejoined the party, but I couldn’t find Des anywhere.” She hardly recognized her own voice, rancid with self-loathing. “No one had seen her. Half of them didn’t even know who I was talking about when I asked. I finally found her in the basement game room.”
A sob broke loose and Alexa gave up trying to hold back her tears. The familiar sense of guilt lodged deep in her gut, running her through like a sword. “Two boys held her down, one of them covering her mouth with his hand, while the third one lay on top of her…” Alexa couldn’t finish. She wanted to curl up and die. She hadn’t let herself relive that night in so long. Could hardly bear how the memories carved her up inside. But then what was her pain compared to what her sister had gone through? Nothing. I’m so sorry, Des.
“Oh, God, baby.” Dan released her hand and laid his arm over her shoulder, moving until his hip touched hers. His fingers stroked her hair. “Shhh. You don’t need to tell me more. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay.” She shook loose and stood to face him, her breath coming hard and fast. How could he comfort her after what she’d done? “Don’t you see? It’s my fault. I convinced her to go to the party and then abandoned her. After the rape, she wouldn’t let me tell anyone, wouldn’t talk about it. Those boys got away with it. She never recovered. She killed herself two weeks later. And it’s because of me. Because I wanted to kiss some stupid boy who saw me as nothing more than a conquest.” Her voice dropped to nearly a whisper as she repeated, “It’s my fault.”
He stared a
t her for several seconds, his eyes dark, his face unreadable. “No, it’s not.”
“How can you say that?” She wanted to scream at him, but was just aware enough to remember the baby in her arms and the people in the other rooms.
“You were fifteen. Girls sneak off to parties to make out with boys all the time.” He made an impatient noise. “If it’s your fault, then your sister is as much to blame as you. And the only people who deserve your hatred are the assholes who hurt her.”
“But I’m the one—”
“Lys,” he said, hard and angry and loud. “You did nothing wrong.”
“But…” No one had ever said that to her before. No one else even knew what happened besides her and Des and the three boys who had run away at Alexa’s arrival. Tyler had given her and Des a ride home, but thought Alexa wanted to leave because he’d pushed her too far.
“I might not have been able to stop the rape, but I should have been able to stop her suicide. I should have seen it coming.”
“Why?” Dan asked. “Were you trained to recognize the signs? Had she tried to kill herself before?”
“No, but—”
“No matter how well we know someone, we never really know what’s going on in their head. You need to give yourself a break, Alexa. None of what happened is your fault.”
He was wrong. He had to be.
Esther started crying, and Dan stood, taking the little girl from Alexa’s arms and cradling her against his big shoulder with his free hand. “You know, when my sister died, I thought I was to blame too.”
Her eyes met his haunted gaze. “I thought she had leukemia. How could you have anything to do with that?”
He laughed bitterly. “You can always find a way to feel guilty. A few days before we found out she was sick, I told her I wished I didn’t have a sister. She was always pestering me to play with her, coming into my room when I wanted to be alone, bothering me when I had friends over. I just snapped. She started crying and I immediately felt bad and apologized, but then she got cancer and it was like someone had taken my wish seriously. I prayed to whatever God might listen, desperately explaining that I didn’t mean it, that I had been angry.” His brows came together. “But she still died.
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