by Dana Mason
Ali and Micah spent another two nights with Johnny, but she insisted on going home on Thursday, uneasy about keeping Micah away from home for so long. Each night Johnny moved Micah’s crib further and further away from his bedroom to give Ali the baby steps she needed. When he took her home on Thursday he went directly upstairs and moved the crib before she could stop him. When she realized what he had done she had a hard time with it until he’d convinced her it was the right thing to do.
As she settled back in at home he’d stayed and spent the morning with her before his orientation at work. They did everything together from separating the laundry, to cleaning the kitchen while Micah sat in his highchair watching. Ali loaded the dishwasher as Johnny wandered the house looking for any stray dirty dishes.
When he brought in another cup, she snatched it up and placed it into the dishwasher.
“Carl?” he said out loud.
“No, I’m Ali.” She teased but the look on his face made her stop mid-laugh. “What’s wrong?”
“When was Carl here?”
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Excuse me?”
“When was Carl here?” he asked again, raising his voice this time. She stared at him not sure what to say. Then he held up the Starbucks coffee cup with Carl’s name written in bold black ink.
“Oh…ah.” She looked back down into the dishwasher. “He stopped by on Monday morning.”
Johnny stared at her for a long moment, but when she didn’t respond, he tossed the cup into the trash and walked out of the room.
“Oh hell…” Ali cursed to herself and dried her hands before rushing out behind him. He was standing stock still, staring out the living room window, his anger prevalent in his stance.
“He came to see Micah.”
“Do you think that makes me feel better?” he asked through gritted teeth.
“Johnny, it doesn’t matter now. I made it clear to him that we didn’t want him around. He won’t be back.”
“Yeah—but you forgot to mention he was coming—you didn’t tell me he was here.”
“He is Micah’s father. He had a right to see him.”
Johnny went wide-eyed and gave her an exasperated look. “No!” he shouted. “Stop saying that. He is not Micah’s father.”
“I wish it weren’t true too, but I can’t change biology.”
“Biology doesn’t mean shit. I became Micah’s father the first time I fed him a bottle, and the first time I got up with him in the middle of the night—and the fucking day I jumped in front of a speeding car to save him.” His breath caught at the tail end of his sentence and he turned away.
The pain in Johnny’s voice made her stomach jump with nerves. “I know—I know you love him.”
“And that’s not the point—why didn’t I know he was coming?”
“I didn’t want to upset you.”
“So after our conversation on Monday night, you still didn’t feel the need to be honest with me about it.” As he spoke his voice rose louder.
“I…I…, no, because it didn’t mean anything.”
He stepped closer to her. “It sounds more like you have something to hide.”
“No, I haven’t hidden anything from you.”
“You also haven’t been forthcoming at all, Ali.” He stepped closer yet again, getting right in her face. “I can’t protect you when I don’t know what you’re up to.”
Blood rushed to her face, her anger spiking—the fucking nerve of him to speak to her like she was his child. “I’m a grown woman. I don’t need your permission to see anyone.”
“Carl is dangerous! What if he hurts Micah or tries to take him?”
“He would hardly hold Micah, much less pick him up and leave with him.” Johnny took a step back and shook his head, anger seeping from him.
“No more.” He pointed to the floor. “Not unless I’m here.”
“This is my house,” she screamed. “You don’t get to make all the rules here. If you don’t like my decisions, you don’t have to be here.”
“Is that what you want, Ali. You want me to walk?”
“I want you to respect me. Trust me a little. Let me make decisions when it comes to my kids.”
“You want me to trust you…but you don’t trust me enough to tell me he was coming over here.” He stepped away from her and faced the window again looking out at the front yard. “Forget it…just fucking forget it,” he whispered, turning toward the kitchen.
Ali stepped inside as Johnny was strapping Micah back into the highchair. He turned and walked passed her.
The realization nearly knocked her down. He was leaving. “Johnny, what are you doing?” She asked, following him out of the kitchen. “You’re leaving—just like that—you’re walking out on me!”
Johnny shook his head as he walked into the foyer. “Yeah, I need to go.”
Ali reached out for his arm but he jerked away. “Stop—just stop for a minute, Johnny.” She could hardly speak through the panic racing through her system. “Let me tell you—I want to talk—” She took a breath as her chest constricted.
When the front door closed behind him she screamed. “You fucking coward!”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Ali stared at the paused screen, shocked at how well they’d cleaned up the images of Micah’s kidnappers. She’d only gotten a few seconds to see them in person, but looking at the enhanced digital images on the news, she couldn’t believe how good they were. It was definitely worth the extra effort Shane had put into it. Now the question was, would it make any difference…or were they already in Mexico sipping margaritas?
She hit play, but paused again when the doorbell sounded.
She tiptoed over to the front door and quietly peered through the peep hole. Mark and Jamie. Right. It’s Friday. She shook her head and tugged the door open.
“Hey,” she said and smiled wide at Jamie.
“Hey,” Mark said, narrowing his eyes at her. “What’s up?”
She shrugged. “Nothing. Thanks for dropping him off even though it was my turn.”
“You didn’t want to get out of your pajamas?” he said, his eyes traveling to her bare feet then back up to her face.
“Right.” She rolled her eyes at his disapproving tone. “You got it.” She gripped the door, ready to close it and said, “See you later.”
“Wait, Ali.”
“For what?” She lifted an eyebrow at him. “I’m not in the mood for a lecture.”
“What the hell is up with you?” He sidestepped her and walked into the house. “Are you sick?”
She shut the door behind him and turned. “No, Mark.”
“You look like hell. Where’s Johnny? Where’s Micah?”
He stepped into the living room and said, “Jamie, take your stuff upstairs, I want to talk to your mom for a minute.
“Mom, can I play my game when I’m done putting my stuff away?” he said, snatching up his bag.
“Yeah, make sure you put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I don’t want to find a pile on your floor.”
He grinned and bolted up the stairs.
When Jamie left the room, Ali turned back to Mark, who was staring at the two faces on the TV. He bowed his head then glanced around the dark room. “Ali…”
She threw her hands into the air. “What?”
He walked over and drew the cord to open her curtains. “Why are you sitting in the dark, hiding behind a locked door alone?”
“So I haven’t dressed yet. What’s the big deal?”
“You don’t do this. You’re not this person, Al.” He walked over to Micah, who was strapped into the swing. Micah watched the exchange with little interest. “Hey, Micah.” Mark picked him up and cradled him in his arms, mee
ting Ali’s eyes. “Are you okay? Talk to me…what’s wrong with you?”
Why did it take the mere words ‘are you okay’ to send her into a sobbing, blubbering mess all the time? If he would’ve said anything else she could’ve convinced him she was fine. Of course Mark would know what to say to set her off.
She took a breath and tried like hell to get the words out without her chin quivering. “Nothing…just leave me alone.”
“I’m absolutely not leaving you alone. Tell me what’s going on. Where is Johnny?”
“I don’t know.” She covered her face with her hand. “He walked out on me.”
Mark walked over to the coffee table and gathered up a handful of tissue and brought them to her. “What the hell happened?”
She snatched the tissue, cleaned her face, and plopped down onto the sofa. “He got mad and stormed out. It was so stupid.”
“Why…what made him mad?”
She threw her hand up and let it drop to her lap. God the tone in his voice was so condescending. Of course he assumed everything was her fault. “I let Carl come over to see Micah.”
“Oh…” Mark said looking down at the baby still clutched in his left hand. “So let me get this straight… Carl now wants to see Micah, just out of the blue.”
“Micah is his son, Mark. The kidnapping freaked him out, now he’s feeling all…possessive about the baby.”
“Really,” Mark said. “Possessive about the baby? Or possessive about you?” Ali glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.
Mark leaned in, forcing her to meet his eyes. “Carl made it clear he didn’t want to be a father.”
“So…he changed his mind,” Ali said. “People change their minds all the time.”
“Changed his mind in two weeks?” Mark shook his head. “No, something’s not right. The same day Micah came home, Carl told me he didn’t want to be a father.”
Ali focused her eyes on his face. “What—when?”
“The last day he was here, we had a conversation about what he did to Sarah…didn’t I tell you?”
“No.”
“Carl told me you went behind his back to get pregnant even though he didn’t want a baby.”
“I was on the pill—I didn’t plan this. It just happened.” She pounded her fist to her forehead. “God, I wouldn’t do that.”
“He said as your pregnancy progressed, he got more desperate to get out of the marriage. When you went into labor he freaked out and did what he did to Sarah because that was something you would never forgive him for.”
“Oh my god,” Ali whispered and started to cry again.
“Ali, don’t.” He reached out for her, but she jerked away. “He’s a nut job. Don’t do this to yourself.”
“He’s a nut job because I made him one! Like you…like Johnny. I’m awful. Why do you stupid men fall in love with such an awful person?”
“Stop it. You’re a great person. That’s why we love you. Johnny will come around.”
“No, he’s gone.” She covered her face and wished she could shrink into the sofa and disappear. “He hates me.” She hiccupped. “—left without a second glance.”
“Maybe you should call him?”
“I didn’t tell him Carl came here to see Micah. He found out by accident.”
“Oh…” His eyebrows lifted. “So you lied about it.”
“I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell him.”
“Bullshit.” The soft tone he had before was gone. “You know perfectly well that Johnny wouldn’t want you and Micah alone with Carl.”
“I didn’t want to fight about it.”
He chuckled without humor. “And look where that got you.”
“Oh shut up and go to hell, Mark.” She blew her nose and dropped sideways to lie down.
“You can’t lie around and cry all day. You have two kids to take care of.”
Her tears started all over again, the weight of what she’d done to the three men she had loved crushed her. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“Fucking shit, you know, Ali, I’m sick to death with comforting you in all your guilt. Get over it and get on with your life, I have. If you really feel bad, get off your ass and go call Johnny.”
“No, he was hurt. Too hurt. He loves Micah so much. The look on his face when I told him Carl held the baby…uh God and I didn’t tell him about it.”
“He’s pissed off because he’s worried about you and Micah,” Mark said. “And you don’t have to give Carl visitation. He doesn’t have any rights, Ali. He abandoned Micah at birth. You don’t have to do anything. Make him take you to court.”
“That’s the really crappy part of this whole thing. I told Carl to get out and to stay away from us. I made it very clear I wasn’t giving him visitation. Of course Johnny was so pissed, he wouldn’t hear anything I had to say.”
Mark bounced Micah as Micah started to whine and chew on his fist. “You need to get up and feed this baby then spend some time with Jamie.” He started pacing with Micah. “You can work things out with Johnny after you take care of your kids.”
“There isn’t anything to work out. I can’t be with someone who walks out without trying to fix things.”
“You need to stop with your pity party and think about what he’s going through too,” Mark said meeting her eyes. “You don’t understand how much more he has to lose.”
“What are you talking about?” She stood and wrapped her robe, knotting it. “I have plenty to lose.”
“You have him to lose. He has you, Micah, and Jamie to lose. He has to figure the sooner he gets out, the less it will hurt in the long run. If you’re lying to him now he has to assume you’ll lie again.”
“I’m not trying to hurt him. I love him. I was trying to do the right thing for Micah.”
“I believe that, but Johnny has to believe it. If he feels like he can’t trust you to be honest with him, he won’t stick around and wait for you prove him wrong. The longer he’s here and the closer he gets to your kids the more it’ll hurt later if you lie again and he has to leave. He’s protecting himself.”
Johnny sat in the backyard with his beer trying to concentrate on getting past the weekend and getting to work. He’d been through his orientation and been assigned a partner, now he needed to get through the long fucking weekend so he’d have something other than Ali to think about.
He couldn’t believe Brian was his new partner. A week ago he would have been happy about it, but now he hated it. It’d be much easier to get through losing Ali with someone who didn’t know her so fucking well. But hell no, he had to be assigned the one guy who’s known Ali damn near her whole life.
Moving on without Ali was going to hurt like hell. It felt like a knife to the chest every time he thought about it. What an idiot he’d been—and he’d thought he had it all figured out. When would he learn? He thought about Micah and the knife in his chest twisted. God he missed that little boy.
He wouldn’t go to her, wouldn’t give in. She’d been wrong and he’d been right…maybe he’d been an ass about being right, but he was still right. He felt bad for walking out the way he did, but he wouldn’t—couldn’t stick around and be lied to. Withholding was the same as lying in his book. Carl was dangerous and she needed to be careful around him, which was what she didn’t seem to want to believe. God…Carl’s way was clear to her now, no obstacles.
Johnny looked up into the dark sky then back into the fire. Maybe he needed to take steps to make sure she was looked after.
After another few minutes and another beer he pulled the phone from his pocket.
“Hello,” Mark answered.
“Hey, Mark…what’s doin’?” Johnny drawled.
“Nothing, what’s up with you?”
“I need a favor, maybe y
ou can help me.”
“What do you need?” Mark asked.
“Do you mind running over to Ali’s…check on her for me?”
“Oh—you worried about her?” Mark asked. “Maybe you should go check on her yourself?”
“Naw, that’s not a good idea,” Johnny said. “We’re sorta done.”
“Sort of?” Mark asked.
“Well, maybe not sorta…maybe just done,” Johnny said. “I am worried though. Carl’s been comin’ round and I think he’s up to something.”
“I talked to Ali earlier when I dropped Jamie off. She’s a bit of a mess, Johnny.”
“But…she’s okay, right?”
“That depends on what you mean by okay.”
“She was safe and Micah too?” Johnny felt the air in his lungs grow heavy.
“She’s a blubbering mess…but physically she’s fine.”
“Well, now…” He shifted the phone at his ear. “I am sorry to hear she’s unhappy.”
“Then go over there and talk to her.”
“No…I can’t. I need to keep my distance. Maybe Shane would keep an eye on her and the house if I asked? What does he get paid for something like that?”
“Are you that worried about Carl?” Mark asked.
“Yes, sir, I am, but she’d rather believe I’m jealous than believe he could do something wrong.”
“She wants to do the right thing, Johnny.”
“She’s doing the opposite of the right thing.”
“Well, she told him to back off. I don’t think she’s going to let him see Micah again.”
Johnny breathed a sigh of relief. “Good.”
“You should go over there. She’s really messed up about you leaving. I have never in my life seen her like that…including after Carl left her with a brand new baby.”
Johnny sat quietly for a moment, trying to find the words he needed to explain how he felt to Mark. “I’m not trying to hurt her, but I can’t play these games with her.”
