“Oh my word,” she pretty much shrieked into the phone.
“Why is she laughing?” I heard Aaron ask Ruby.
My sister shrugged.
“Ahhh!” Karina pretty much started screaming her laugh.
“Stop laughing,” I called out to her, knowing damn well she was too into it to pay attention to me.
“You and Ivan?” she shrieked.
“He’s right here,” I let her know.
“Hi, Rina,” he greeted.
She started laughing her ass off. Again.
“I can’t believe it!” She began howling all over again.
“Who hurt her to make her this way?” I asked Ivan without even realizing it.
“She was born like that,” he replied, his eyes glued to the blank screen.
“This is going better than I thought,” James said.
Jojo sighed. “I’m disappointed. I thought she was going to get mad you guys forgot about her.”
“The two most stubborn people I’ve ever known skating together?” Karina shrieked. “BAHAHAHAHA!”
“You have problems,” I said.
“Please! Please! Tell me someone has recorded your practices together. Ooh! Tell me you’re doing a live video of them. I would watch every minute. Give me all your competition dates in advance. It’ll be the Hunger Games on ice. I’ll buy everyone in the family front row seats,” she cried out, her voice full of laughter.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “We’re getting…” What? Along? It was a little too soon for that shit. “We’re doing fine.”
“This is like my dream come true fourteen years too late.” There was a break and then more, “You and Ivan! BAHAHAHA!”
I wasn’t sure why this surprised me… but it did. Of course she would think this was hilarious.
Two years ago, I would have thought the same thing.
Me and Ivan. Having dinner. At my house. With my family. Trying to be friends. Whatever that meant.
But here we were.
And apparently, Karina was eating this shit up.
Chapter 10
“I don’t know if I want to do this anymore,” I said to Coach Lee a week later.
A week after I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about all the reasons why doing this was a stupid idea, including but not limited to flashing all my shit at Ivan.
Our one-week long friendship had gone… well. We hadn’t said anything insulting to each other in that time period. He had even smiled at me once when I’d agreed with him that we had done something right when Coach Lee had claimed the opposite.
It was fine. Totally fine.
And maybe that was part of the reason why I didn’t want him to start teasing me. At least while I didn’t have clothes on. I didn’t give a shit what the photographer or her staff thought… but Ivan was the only one who had the power to genuinely piss me off.
So there I was, after a full night of stressing out about the shoot. Galina would have said I was antsy, but I wasn’t antsy. Just… stressed. About the consequences. Long term and short term. With Ivan and without.
It wasn’t like I’d been stoked about doing it in the first place, and if my gut said this was a shitty idea… there was a reason for it. Every time I had ignored my gut feeling before, I’d paid for it.
So…
Coach Lee turned to face me from where we were standing off to the side of the ice at the nearly empty LC. Her face instantly shuttered, and her mouth twisted to the side, but it was the fingers she immediately started wiggling that gave her away. That and the tight smile she forced onto her lips as she nearly croaked, “Is there something I should know?”
Was there something she should know?
Nerves, real nerves, bad nerves that made my insides twist up and my stomach almost ache, pretty much took over my entire body, but all I could do was shrug. “I don’t know if I want to do this with Ivan after all,” I told her. “It’s one thing for us to do all our lifts fully clothed, but the more I think about having to do this naked… I don’t know,” I partially lied.
Because I did know. I knew what might have been the biggest reason. I was hesitating again.
Three days ago, I’d had to start deleting comments and messages from random guys on my Picturegram page. It had only been two comments, but two was too many. They said they would “wreck me” and “tear (my) ass up.” Then there had been the private messages, which had been two dick pics and another asking me to post a video of my bare feet. Which then got me thinking about what my brother had said during dinner days before about strangers jerking off to my pictures.
I wasn’t a prude, but I also wasn’t a fan of living my life, posting pictures of one of my ballet lessons with Ivan that Coach Lee had e-mailed me—for that specific purpose—and then dealing with those kinds of comments and messages. I was no stranger to dicks. But I wanted it to be my choice when I saw them. I definitely wasn’t a fucking fan of remembering when other people had sent me pictures and videos so much worse. Pictures and videos that had made me lose sleep because of how helpless they had made me feel. How dirty.
And that’s what had started to happen unless I was exhausted. I had started to lose sleep. More and more sleep.
Until I was here, at this point, stressing over stuff like that happening more and more. I didn’t want to see that kind of shit. All I wanted was figure skating. I didn’t care about the rest.
But that’s not how stuff worked nowadays.
A funny expression came over Coach Lee’s face as she took me and my words in. “Did Ivan say something?”
Shit. I hadn’t thought this through well enough, had I? The only thing I could do was be vague. Just a little. Just enough. “He always says something, but that’s not it.”
She narrowed her eyes. “You know what I mean. Did he say anything about doing the shoot with you? Because I’m going to be honest, that doesn’t seem like it would bother you.”
Was I that obvious? Because she was right, Ivan’s comments didn’t usually bother me. Aggravate me, yeah. Make me want to kill him, yeah. But bother? Not so much. But being naked in front of someone, especially someone like Ivan who was constantly judging with those clear blue eyes, felt like a power exchange that left me with nothing. He would know something about me so many people didn’t. And this person teased me over everything.
“I don’t know if I want to stand in front of him naked. That’s all. If I did it by myself, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Even total strangers, sure, but to do it in front of him when I have to see him all the time, I don’t know.”
Her hand went up to her eyes, and she pinched the bridge of her nose, clearly exasperated before finally nodding slowly. “Okay. All right. Let me go talk to him and talk to the photographer and see what we can come up with.”
For a moment, I thought about apologizing for changing my mind, but fuck that. I didn’t want to show Ivan of all people my naked body. I’d bet nobody else here would want to either. It was my choice. My decision. My body.
I wasn’t about to say I was sorry for being an inconvenience, because I wasn’t.
But I did feel just a little bad as Coach Lee turned on her heel, rubbing at her neck, and headed where the photographer was standing with Ivan and an assistant, deep in conversation. They had come in early to make a couple of sets on the ice, one with a gray background and another with a white one, surrounded by lights. It was fancy.
I made myself watch as Coach Lee’s mouth moved and then watched as Ivan’s chin slid forward a moment before his eyes sliced to my direction before focusing back on Lee to listen to whatever else she was saying.
And I couldn’t say I was totally surprised when maybe a minute or two later, Ivan began shaking his head, clearly ignoring whatever Lee was saying, and started skating toward me, the knot at his robe the only thing keeping me from seeing more than just a slice of his thighs, calves, and chest as he did it.
“I’m not doing it,” I said before he got a word out. “If yo
u want to do it by yourself, go for it. I’ll do it by myself too. But I don’t want to do it together.”
Something tight snapped across his shoulders the second the last sentence was out of my mouth. But it was the way his face went serious, his rectangular jaw tight, mouth pursed and eyebrows heavy, that really became visible.
“I don’t want to do it, Ivan, and you’re not going to guilt trip me into it, all right? I know it’s a big issue, but I don’t want to do it with you.”
Those pale gray-blue eyes hadn’t moved off of me as he slid to a stop at the boards and paused there at the entrance, staring at me like he didn’t even know who I was. He was watching me closely as he asked, slowly, drawing out each letter, “Why?”
I didn’t even think about it. “Because I don’t want to have my tits and vagina in your face.” There. Done.
The breath he took was so ragged I could see it in his chest. “You were bragging about not being self-conscious a few days ago, and now you’re backing out?” he asked, watching me a little too closely. “You’ll do it alone but not with me?”
When he said it like that…
“Yeah,” I agreed, nodding.
“Because of me?”
“Yes, because of you.” Friends were honest with each other. He couldn’t fault me for that. Maybe I wasn’t being completely honest but it was something.
He blinked, still taking me in. “They want us to do it together, not separate.”
I shrugged both my shoulders, totally unapologetic. “Well, there’s this thing called Photoshop; they can probably blend us in so it looks like we’re together,” I suggested.
He blinked again, his jaw grinding from side to side.
I just looked at him.
Ivan blinked at me, and I blinked right back.
One of those big, strong hands that could hold my hundred-plus pound ass all by itself over his head drifted to the back of his neck. His jaw twitched again. His breathing slowed. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “What did I do that you don’t want to do it with me?” he asked slowly. “You talk shit right back. I thought we agreed to be friends.” Those eyes drifted across my face, which was covered in makeup that had taken the artist almost an hour to apply. “We had dinner together,” he reminded me, as if I’d forgotten he’d spent three hours in my mom’s kitchen, playing Jenga with my family, eating lasagna, gobbling down the smallest sliver of chocolate cake while I’d eaten three times the amount because why the hell not.
He’d gotten me a paper towel—maybe because he genuinely thought I couldn’t reach across the table, maybe not. He’d driven me home. He’d asked me to be his friend, even though the more I thought about it, the more I figured he wasn’t so familiar with what the hell that meant.
Gentle. Be better.
So, I tried. “Ivan, I have to look at you every day. Isn’t that reason enough to not want to be naked in front of you?” I asked, keeping my voice as far away from aggressive as possible as I tried to be an adult.
He didn’t hesitate. “I don’t care if you see me naked.”
Shit.
Okay. I was going to have to go at this more directly. “Well, I don’t care if the whole world sees me naked either, but I don’t want you to see it, all right? Can you respect that?”
“But why?” he asked, honestly sounding confused.
Exasperation, or maybe frustration, hit me hard. Real hard. The last thing I’d expected was for him to want an explanation. “Because. I already told you.”
“No, you didn’t.”
I blinked. “Yes, I did.”
“No. You. Didn’t.”
“Yes. I. Did.”
“No. I want you to tell me. What did I do over the last week to make you not want to do this anymore?”
He wasn’t going to let this go. I tried not to be a dick. But he wanted an explanation, so I gave it to him. “Ivan, do you think I want you to tease me about skipping puberty after you’ve seen my tits? Because I don’t. Not even a little bit, all right? Is that what you want to hear? That I don’t want you looking at me and judging me when I have to see your face all the time? I like myself just fine. I don’t want to listen to you make fun of me, of things I can’t change. I have little tits. Okay. We both know that. What if you think my nipples are too big, or you think they’re too small, or you’ll laugh at my stretch marks, or tell me you get where all my weight comes from! My thighs!”
“What?”
I shrugged at him again, my stomach giving this uncomfortable roll as I told him more of the tiny truth I was sharing. “I like my body, all right? I don’t want you to make me not. I know I’m not….” I shook my head, not finishing the sentence. “I’m good with who I am and what I look like, and I’ll trim down a little more before the season starts.”
I wasn’t sure if I hadn’t noticed it gradually happening, or if it happened in the blink of an eye, but at some point, his face had gone pale, and in the next blink, he was off the ice, going around the barrier and standing two feet away from me, looking totally and completely stricken, like I’d stabbed him. “Jasmine,” he said my name slowly and in almost a hiss, for one of the rare times he didn’t call me Meatball. “Come on.”
I just looked at him. “No come on, Ivan. I hate the fact that I care what you think, okay? You don’t need to rub it in. I’m trying… to be friends with you,” I tried to make a joke, but it didn’t work when nothing about him changed even a little bit.
If anything, Ivan looked surprised. “Jasmine,” he repeated my name, his voice low and almost hoarse.
“I’m not doing it,” it was my turn to repeat. “Sorry. Nothing you say or do will get me to change my mind, so get out there, tiger, and get your part over with, so I can do mine. I’m sure everything will look fine, and if it doesn’t… sorry not sorry.” If I could tell him the other half of the truth, he would understand. I knew it.
But I didn’t.
Ivan though, didn’t get over there. He didn’t move. Didn’t look away. Ivan just stared down at me, his breathing even, the smooth skin between his pecs clearly visible in the V-shape of the robe he had on. Those blue eyes bounced all over my face, and I hated it. I hated the fact that I’d admitted I wasn’t about to strip down because of him, because I didn’t want to hear teasing later on about the shape of my barely B-cups or the shape and size of my ass or the million other things he could nitpick. Because there were a lot of them. I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t my mom or Tali or Ruby.
“Meatball,” he said, still speaking slowly, still not moving. He struggled with a swallow. Struggled with his words, if the strange expression on his face said anything. “I’m just fucking with you when I make fun of you,” he claimed, watching me. “You know that, don’t you?”
I glanced away and nodded, barely suppressing the urge to roll my eyes. “Yeah, I know you’re fucking with me. I can handle it. Sometimes….” God, it pained me to tell him this, but fuck it. “Sometimes, you almost make me laugh. But I don’t want to do this with you naked. It feels too personal now. We’re too… close.”
I heard more than saw him exhale. But what I felt was him taking another step closer to me. “The only reason I give you so much shit is because you were a pain in the ass, and then you were the only one who dished it back to me. You know you’re beautiful.”
I snickered and rolled my eyes that time, because come the fuck on. Really? Now I knew he was trying too hard. Please. God. “If you think flattering me is going to convince me to do this, you don’t know me at all, Lukov.”
“Not Lukov. Ivan,” he replied easily, his tone so gentle, it made me uncomfortable, because that wasn’t what I wanted from him. Much less what I expected from him. “I’m sure you’re perfect under there.”
I snorted that time, because goddamn, he was laying the bullshit on thick to convince me. Jesus.
But he kept going. “I’m sure there’s nothing under your robe that wouldn’t give every man here a hard-on. Some of the women too, I bet.”
I side-eyed him using the h-word and shook myself out of it. He was full of shit. I knew that. He knew that. Even Coach Lee would have known that if she could hear him now. Who the hell did he think he was talking to? Someone who hadn’t known him for over a decade and been the focus of his petty, asshole comments that entire time? Now he was just pissing me off. “Would you shut up? I don’t need to hear you saying this, all right?” I snapped.
His hand touched my wrist, and by some miracle, I didn’t jerk it out of his reach. “I’m not just saying all this,” he said in a tone so quiet, so… I don’t know, tender or shit, that it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think anyone had ever spoken to me like that before. Not even James, the nicest guy in the world. Ivan kept going. “I’m just giving you shit when I tell you that you haven’t gone through puberty. Come on,” he insisted, still using that voice that I didn’t know what to do with. What to think of. “I didn’t think you were that sensitive.”
I blinked. “I’m not that sensitive.”
“Jasmine,” he breathed out, wrapping his fingers around my wrist tightly but not painfully. That dark head of hair and that flawless face that might have had makeup but might have not, dipped closer to me as he asked, “What the hell is going on with you right now?”
“Nothing,” I insisted.
“You’re full of shit,” he claimed. “You know who you are and what you are. I’m not about to fucking tell you and blow up your ego even bigger than it already is, cut me some slack,” he almost barked out. “I want to do this shoot with you, not by myself. With you. As a team. It’ll be great for both of us coming into the season.”
“I know who I am and have a big ego, sure. Okay. Look, just go get it over with, and I’ll go after you. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I don’t feel like arguing right now.”
The second the two hands landed on my shoulders, I jumped, unexpectedly. And when his mouth lowered to where his lips hovered just over mine, I definitely didn’t move either. We were close seven hours a day, six days a week. There were no physical boundaries between each other because there couldn’t be.
From Lukov with Love Page 21
