Not for Jax.
He slid them off like they were silk stockings, and his eyes followed the skin revealed under the dim light of the barn. My scars, the horrible deformed skin and the lumpy edges—he didn’t blink once.
I became aware of the rattling of rain against the side of the barn, the breeze chilling the exposed skin, the warmth of Jax’s sweat-glazed body as his hands reached up for the thin, cotton material of my panties.
He curled his fingers under the elastic and my hips jerked upward in response. Like a precious present, he leaned in close and pulled his fingers down. Short, unkempt curls unfurled from their cotton boundaries, and I wanted to cover it up, wanted to squirm away. Any movement I knew would break the spell cast around us, and even if it was just for today, just for this moment, I wanted to be looked at like Jax was looking at me, touched like he was touching me, understood like he understood me. I couldn’t bear to break our bubble.
I stilled, my heart in my throat as he leaned his face down close, nose brushing along the rough curls. He trailed it down over my mound until he poised above my moist, hot folds.
I worried my scent would dissuade him, but when he pressed a feathered kiss onto my clitoris and I felt my body lurch in response, I knew that wasn’t the case.
I took a deep, long breath and watched with avid fascination as he savored each touch of his lips against mine, switching between fleeting flicks of his tongue, soft slow pecks, and the occasional cool blow of air.
The peace that smothered me began to burn too hot, and I was left pleading for more, my moaning unable to be controlled. My stomach twisted, and my hips pushed up from the bed of hay before Jax’s hand guided them back down again.
“Jax,” I cried.
He ignored my quiet plea, going at his own pace as if I said nothing. He ran his tongue along the seam of my entrance. “J—”
My whimper was cut off by my startled scream as his tongue pressed into my opening. He began nipping and swiping all around the edges and the flesh around it. His fingers dug into my hips, arms under my thighs lifting me until I curled my knees around the side of his head, the acceleration of intensity ridiculous as I struggled with the G-force of his sudden change in pace.
His fingers began thrusting into my hole, starting with two and pushing unrelenting in and out. His mouth moved back to my throbbing clit and began placing sharp little nips out of time with his fingers, causing me to rise higher and higher. Each burst of pleasure was followed by a spike of pain.
It wasn’t long before I could feel myself being thrown off the edge and my gasping breaths grew wilder than the storm outside. My thighs clamped around Jax’s head and with one last, hard thrust deep into me, I went over. I threw back my shoulders and let out the loudest cry I had ever given.
It took every ounce of energy I had, and once it was over, the most amazing wave of pleasure was left rippling throughout my entire being. My muscles slumped and my legs weakened around Jax’s shoulders. My bare ass slid down before his hands caught it and helped lower me back onto the hay.
I was aware of the pain in my side, but for now the endorphins that were swimming in my veins put that pain and whatever extra damage I had just on the bottom of my caring list.
I stared up at the ceiling, the metal tin roof shaking with the vibrations of the rain. I was aware of my lips moving, but I was unsure what I had said exactly until I saw the smile pinch at the corners of Jax’s cheeks, his eyes wrinkling in amusement.
“You’re welcome.” He smirked, before turning to lift his shirt off his head and throw it into a corner somewhere.
He dropped down in the hay next to me, and I was aware I should be thinking about whether he needed some release, but I couldn’t find the strength to lift my head and look down. As a few more moments passed, and Jax didn’t say anything I let go of the concern.
If he wanted it, Jax wasn’t afraid to ask it from me. Or anyone, for that apparent matter.
The thought felt like a sour sting in my peace, and I felt my face screw up. That was the one thing I didn’t need to be thinking about right now. After just giving me the most amazing orgasm, it would be a pity not to savor the moment. But still… it got me thinking.
“About last night—”
Jax pressed his finger to my lips with a swiftness I could never match. I looked down at it in puzzlement.
“We’re not going to talk about that. Not right now. It’s not the time.”
“But—”
“When I say we’ll talk about it, both last night and just now, I meant it. I just… need a little more time, okay?”
I stared at him. What would he need more time for? To find an excuse for whatever he felt obliged to give me just because we had sex once and then a bit of play just now? Or did it mean something more?
“Stop thinking about it.” Jax shook his head at me and pulled his finger away from my mouth. The faint scent of me lingered on my lips.
I tried to curb my thoughts. It lasted a moment, maybe, but the silence between us heightened my anxiety.
“I always wondered where you’d end up…,” I said aloud, my mind beginning to wander back to those days when I would come across a saddle Jackson used to use, or the fence that he always perched on, or the smell of the lavender plants that bloomed in the meadows where he would nap in the middle of the afternoon, a piece of grass twiddled between his teeth and tongue. “You always seemed as if you’d be carried away by the wind one day. As if you were just waiting to catch flight and run free....” The rustle of the hay crackled in my ears as I turned to look at the man beside me. My damp hair, clinging to the sweat on my skin, stayed glued to my face, as I studied the side of his still features. The cut edge of his jaw and nose, the slight crook that was never there before, the roughness and sharpened cheekbones that hadn’t been as prominent back when he was Jackson.
His dark lashes fluttered as his eyes roamed across the ceiling above, seemingly thoughtful with my words.
“I’d always thought that you wouldn’t be able to give up the horses…,” I whispered, watching the tick of his jaw in the hollow of his cheek. My hand moved without consent as it reached up and pressed against his warm skin. He flinched, stilling under my touch. But he didn’t stop me. Not as my fingers felt the pulse of the muscle beneath the rough skin, sprouts of facial hair beginning to prick the tips of my fingers. “They were your passion. Your drive. Even as much as you wanted to deny it… I always thought you’d return to them someday….”
I let my hand fall back down to the bed of hay, and Jax’s head turned to follow it before looking up and meeting my gaze. He was frowning at me. Whether hurt or just sad, I couldn’t tell what my words meant to him.
“I was surprised when I found out you were part of a biker gang,” I continued, and for a moment, I saw Jax’s expression flinch.
“Club,” he corrected, eyes stern. “Not gang.”
“Right.” I nodded. I forgot how much he didn’t like that.
“How did you find me anyway?” Jax returned, eyes now curious and lighter than they once had been. I wondered what he was thinking; his expression betrayed nothing. He was as elusive as he always was since we had been kids. Glad to know the annoying things hadn’t changed.
His question, however, brought back a heavy reminder. My mind traveled back to why I came here in the first place. How on my journey, I had been given a horrible reality check into how Jackson had become Jax.
“You were on the news last year,” I whispered, my confidence slipping and gaze falling too, unable to look him in the eyes. “You tried to kill a girl… poisoned her during a shootout with a rival—”
A rough, calloused finger stopped my lips, harsh and terse against my skin. My eyes looked up to meet him, a deep frown overshadowing his eyes before he propped himself onto an elbow to look down over me.
“That’s a misunderstanding,” he replied. “We went there to save that girl. She was caught in the crossfire and the police showed up. She ha
d been poisoned by the other side, not ours. Since my club were the last ones there, it was either I get arrested or her old man. If he got arrested there would’ve been nobody at her side when she woke up at the hospital. It was an easy decision.”
A wave of relief flooded me like a geyser had broken open inside of my chest as I expelled a deep, sharp breath. I hadn’t realized how much I had become entangled with that information, unsure what to think and only believing the worst. I felt a pang of guilt for not having faith, but it was outweighed by the joy I felt in finding out the truth. Although the whole story about the shootout with the rival club being confirmed by him did pluck a nerve, I chose to ignore it. For now.
“Was she all right in the end? The girl I mean?”
“Married my best friend. Her old man is Hunter. Had baby number two a few months ago. Little sweet girl called Freya. Looks just like her momma.” Jax gave a beaming smile, the natural, beautiful way he used to, not forced or faked… but genuine. They were rare when he was younger, and the sight of it now had me sighing on the inside, a smile mirroring my own lips.
“Sounds like she’s already got you wrapped around her little finger,” I chuckled, unable to help seeing anything past the beaming uncle face of his. He always had a soft spot for kids and I could understand the allure of their innocence.
“Yeah, and every other brother in the club. Girl’s spoiled.”
I didn’t doubt he was the one spoiling her the most.
“Poor girl won’t dare get a boyfriend,” I teased and watched as in a matter of seconds, his face went from proud to downright deadly.
“That’s not going to happen.”
I burst out laughing at his reaction, the throbbing pain in my side beginning to make its reappearance at the jerking of my chest muscles. “That poor girl,” I wheezed between breaths. “I would love to meet her one day.”
I said it with a light heart, but it was just as the words slipped from my mouth Jax’s expression shut down. His deadly aura or his joyful one was present… there was nothing except a look of caution on his face at my words. A look of… defensiveness?
He didn’t want to let me in.
He didn’t want me there.
“What about you?” Jax replied with sudden normality. Did that moment really happen?
“What about me?”
“I always thought you’d be settled down now. Married, kids of your own. You’ve always been a family person.” He shrugged, the causal gesture distracting his gaze away for a moment, allowing me just enough time to hide my reaction. It struck an iron core deep inside and it took everything not to reveal it.
“I suppose I’m still enjoying my youth,” I answered, wafting my hand and turning to look back over to where Max staring at the two of us through the bars of her stall. Her look was piercing, and the guilt churned in my stomach. She knew, and I knew. Only us. That was the way it should stay.
I looked away from her quickly and heard a snort before she ambled over to her hay basket and picked at the strands at the bottom of the bag like she had a habit of doing. Her ears were flat against her head and every so often when the rain crashed on a weak section of the roof, creating a large rattle, she’d jerk her head up in its direction but wouldn’t startle like before.
Maybe she was getting her confidence back at long last.
“What about…?”
I turned back at the sound of Jax’s voice, seeing his eyes burn down into the hay, as his mouth began the mumbled question. Like a psychic connection, I heard his true question loud and clear in my head.
What about the farm?
The farm was the name Jax and I had called it, but it wasn’t. The farm was a training facility for thoroughbred race horses of the highest quality. It was one of the most prestigious names in the horse racing world and was worth every penny.
A name so heavy, no normal man could hold it without a little cheating here and there. And cheating they did. They cut corners, made backroom deals, and buried their dirty secrets six feet under. Although horse racing was never a pure business, it never had to be so dirty.
My eyes softened on his features. I wasn’t sure how to answer. Be honest? Lie? Or perhaps bend the truth? I supposed there was no right answer. So, I gave no answer at all.
I wasn’t sure what telling Jax would do. I wasn’t foolish enough to think he’d come back, not after all this time. He had left it behind a long time ago, and from the looks of things, hadn’t even thought once about going back. If he couldn’t even ask the question, would he be able to hear the answer?
I didn’t think so.
The longer I looked at Jax, the concealed trouble underneath his tight lips and ticking jaw, the conflict beneath the deep brown of his eyes told me everything I needed to know, and everything I didn’t want to—except the one thing I was too afraid to ask. Until now.
It was the impulse that pushed my mouth open, and in the chaos of my mind, the question that had been on the tip of my tongue ever since Jax left me fled from my mouth before I could stop it.
“Do you regret leaving?” I blurted it out. My hand slapped over my lips to seal them shut, but the question was already out there. It was too late.
Jax looked shocked for a second, the whites ringing his eyes and eyebrows perked up high on his forehead as he looked down on me. But the second the shock faded, and his sharp eyes were glowering down, the expression became neither harsh nor kind but stern and honest.
“No.”
My heart broke. Somehow the little pieces that had been keeping me together since he left had been like little Band-Aids that promised he would regret leaving. Would regret saying goodbye to me and the farm. I had fooled myself. How stupid could I get?
He’d never looked back. Not even once. Not even for a second.
“I see…,” I whispered. My eyes turned down and away into the bed of the hay, as if the raw material was the only thing stopping me from sinking deep into the ground under the heaviness weighing on my shoulders.
“But, Ronnie—” Jax’s mouth opened, and something different about the tone had me listening.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
I didn’t get to hear what he had to say. For once, I was relieved by the intrusion, reveling in the loud, familiar voices and the thrashing bangs against the barn door.
“JAX!” the voice bellowed through the rushing storm and in a second, Jax pushed himself up from the hay, leaving me in the cold of the barn.
The rustling stopped for a moment after he shoved his shirt on. A pile of clothes landed on my lap.
A sharp hiss snapped from my lips, and while my body had been in its dull state after Jax’s specialty painkiller—that I didn’t want to recall—I remembered the reason why I was curled on one side of my body all this time. I peeked down to see the bruises along my ribs were growing darker in the small amount of time since I’d been gifted them.
“Put them on,” Jax grumbled, tightening the belt around his waist as his eyes scanned my body. “They’re wet, but it’s better than my brothers seeing you naked.”
I watched his expression frown, and that comfortable feeling of being naked in front of him was replaced by shame, embarrassment, and an unhealthy dose of self-consciousness.
I struggled to put on my wet clothes from my seat on the floor, agreeing that I didn’t want his brothers to see me naked. While trying to ignore the throbbing down my side, I forwent the bra and panties—not that I was certain where my panties where—and awkwardly tugged on my shirt then jeans.
The pain in my side slowly climbed and, my breathing caused Jax to hesitate a moment, one last confirming check over me before heading to the door.
With a loud creak, the ring of chains, and annoyed growls, a huddle of men, soaked head to toe, came rushing in through the door.
With only three of them, including Jax, the space in the once vast barn was now gone, and along with it, my safe feelings as I stared up at them meekly from the pile of hay on the floor.
They were even taller from way down here.
As they tore off their hooded coats, I recognized one of the two as the youngster I’d met from the day when Jax’s boss had come, and who had kept me company while doing homework. What was his name?
Beauty? Handsome? Gorgeo-
“Pretty,” Jax sighed in relief, running a hand through his shaggy damp hair.
“Got yourself in a bit of a pickle?” Pretty chuckled as his eyes scanned over the barn and spotted me clinging to my bra, belt, and panties in the hopes they wouldn’t see them, all while trying not to strain my muscles. “You okay, sweetheart?”
“I’m—” I paused to clear my throat. “—good.”
“Nah, she’s not,” Jax growled, sending me a sharp glare that came out of nowhere. I shot one back, not knowing why his brother’s sudden presence would give him permission to be rude to me. He didn’t have the right to be an asshole two minutes after breaking my heart. In fact, that should be my stance.
Jax’s frown deepened at my response, but he didn’t argue. Instead he turned to the other brother, a guy similar to Jax’s age but who looked a little more worn. If I had to guess, I’d say he’d had military service if the way he stood gave any indication. His back against the secure wall, and his eyes scanning over me, not in a creepy way but in an uncomfortable assessment.
My gaze drifted away from him, breaking the contact, and I looked toward Max who was quiet and cautious as she stood by the farthest wall, one ear flat besides her head, the other perked toward them. She was closer to outside wall of the barn than she had been since we’d come in here, but for her, the sounds of the raging storm seemed preferable compared to the club members.
I could relate.
“Did you call me here to take a look at her?” The military-esque one nodded at Jax without taking his eyes off me.
“Yeah, she’s…”
“Who’s she? I have a name, you know.” I grumbled, shifting my clothes in my arms. The words came out sharper and poutier than I wanted, and when I felt the testing atmosphere of Jax’s pause, letting me know he’d heard me loud and clear, I kept my eyes down and chin tucked.
Jax: Black Angels MC, #3 Page 17
