by LP Lovell
CONQUERED
A She Who Dares Novel
By LP Lovell
This book is a work of fiction, any reference to historical events, real events or real people are used fictitiously. Other name’s, characters, places and events are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual places, events or persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental.
Copyright© 2014 by LP Lovell
CONQUERED
Prologue
They say that some things in life are worth fighting for. They also say that if you love something, let it go. How do you fight for someone when to do so would only hurt them? How do you fight, when the other person has already let go? How do you let go of something that is so crucial to your happiness, so fundamental to your being that to lose it is to lose yourself? Is it selfish to try to keep that person? Is it selfish to fight for them?
I never believed in love before. I’d never met anyone who made me want anything more than one night. Then I met her. She came into my life like an explosion, igniting everything she touched, blinding in her brilliance. Earth shattering. She shook my foundations to the core. She made me fall hard. She made me want to risk everything for her, including myself.
There are some things in life that you would chase to the ends of the earth. There are some things that you would sell your soul for and give up all you have for, all that you are. Lilly Parker is one of those things.
In the aftermath of her I have been destroyed, her devastation knowing no bounds. I risked it all and I lost. Now I’m left standing in the ruins of what once was.
The thing is though, if I was given the chance to go back, I’d risk it all again. For her.
Love is not something that wanes easily. To love is to feel pain, to feel vulnerable, but also to feel alive. Love is the difference between living and existing. The loss of love is a test in survival.
I’m surviving… Just.
Chapter One
Theo
I stare at the shot glass in my hand. My vision dips in and out of focus as my brain swims in an alcoholic fog. The noise of the bar is a distant hum, background noise to my own thoughts running through my fucked up head. I lift the glass to my lips and tip it back. I smile as the liquid burns down my throat. I feel numb, so beautifully fucking numb.
Alcohol is proving to be my salvation. When I’m drunk I forget everything. I forget her. It’s temporary bliss.
This is how it’s been for two weeks. Me, drinking myself into oblivion, just to escape Lilly Parker. I love her, I hate her, I want to kiss her, I want to shout at her. I’m a fucking mess. She’s the only thing I’ve ever really wanted. She breathed life into my existence, and that is exactly what I was doing without even realising. I was just existing. She made me live. She made me love. And now, she’s making me bleed.
I can’t think of her without wanting to break something, I’m losing it. The thought of her is bittersweet. It brings me peace at the same time as it causes me pain. The image of her feels like a punch in the chest. She’s everything I need, and she’s gone. I’m drowning, and I have no desire or fight left to swim against the current.
Just thinking about this shit tells me I’m not nearly drunk enough. I slide the empty shot glass down the bar and hold my finger up signalling for another.
Another shot is quickly placed in front of me. “Dude, you haven’t had enough already?” Hugo asks distractedly. He’s sat on the bar stool next to me. He’s been talking to some Barbie lookalike all night. I use the term talking very loosely, although there has definitely been a lot of tongue action happening. I don’t blame him. I’m definitely not the best company right now and have been studiously ignoring them. She’s stood with her back to me as she faces Hugo. He talks to me over her shoulder. She’s straddling one of his thighs, her short dress hiked up almost exposing her underwear. Hugo has that grin on his face. It’s the grin that says he is one hundred percent guaranteed to get laid. Nothing makes Hugo happier than sure fire pussy. Speaking of which, Barbie is currently rubbing hers on his thigh. Hugo bites his bottom lip, his attention wavering decidedly.
I shrug. “Am I unconscious?” I continue, more than used to carrying on a conversation through some dry humping. Hell, I’ve carried on conversations through some not so dry humping.
“You fucking will be.” He huffs a laugh as his eyes flick to me again. A frown appears on his face as he watches me pick up the shot.
“Good.” I down the shot and signal the bar tender for two more. He shakes his head, but they won’t cut me off. I’m Theodore fucking Ellis. I laugh at that. If only they all knew what I really am, a pussy whipped little bitch who can’t get through one day without a drink, all because he got dumped. Fuck. I’d be laughing it weren’t so fucking tragic.
“Theo. You know I advocate heavy drinking, but seriously, your liver must be fucked by now.” He laughs lightly. Hugo doesn’t do serious talks. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so serious altogether, especially considering the thigh ride he’s getting.
I know I’m going off the rails, hell I’ve already taken a face first dive, but I just don’t care. It doesn’t matter.
I try to focus on his face but it sways in and out making me feel sick.
“I think it’s had worse.” I state. I’ve been on worse benders than this. I’ll admit that most of them didn’t last two weeks, but then I wasn’t in love with a girl who ripped out my fucking heart and ran away for two weeks. I don’t even know if she’s coming back. That could really put my liver to the test.
“Fuck yeah baby.” Hugo says as he reaches under the woman’s skirt and slaps her arse. She’s moaning now, sliding up and down his leg faster. Hugo dips his head to her chest and no doubt sucks on her tit. Right here in the middle of a bar. Fucking Hugo.
I take the two shots on the bar and down them in quick succession. The entire room is soon spinning violently. I glance across the bar and see a vaguely familiar form striding toward me.
“Jesus, you look like shit.” I can’t see her very well, but I know the voice. It’s Molly. Her long blonde hair hangs to her waist in a golden sheet. It’s the only thing I can clearly focus on.
“Nice to see you too.” I manage to slur. Molly has actually been pretty supportive through this shit. The night of the showdown she came to my house ready to kill me. I explained what had happened expecting her to go bat shit fucking crazy, what with all the friend loyalty and ho’s before bro’s or whatever shit it is. She didn’t. She said it’s not my fault that some woman from my past cropped up just as Lilly and I were finally sorted. As long as I didn’t cheat she didn’t care. I didn’t, but I fucked Cassie while I was in love with Lilly, and that makes me feel like a piece of shit. Even if my brain wasn’t involved in that particular decision. Molly understood why Lilly had run, because she knows her, but she thought it was salvageable. Two weeks and not a single word from her… I beg to differ.
“Hugo.” She snaps. He glances over Barbie’s shoulder and smiles wide when he sees her.
“Hey sweetness. You look mighty fine.” His eyes skim down her body, hiding none of his desire for her. Molly is beautiful, not my type, but she’s certainly topping Hugo’s scale. She rolls her eyes.
“Seriously Hugo. Can you please remove the skank on your lap before eye fucking the shit out of me?” She tilts her head and raises her eyebrows at him.
He pushes the girl back off his lap. “Only because I love it when you talk dirty.” He winks. I snort. I give it to him, the guy has got game.
Molly reaches across the bar and hands him a napkin. “Perhaps wipe the snail trail off your leg?” She smiles sweetly. I laugh. Fuck me, the girl’s got balls.
She reminds me painfully of Lilly. They’re so alike in a lot of ways. They share mannerisms and sayings like only people who have grown up together can. It hurts.
Molly turns back to me whilst Hugo rids himself of the walking STD. “You.” She shakes her head. “You look like fucking hell.”
“You said that already.” I grumble. The room is swaying and pitching badly. I lean my elbows on the bar, needing a stable surface to cling to.
“Yeah well it needed saying twice.” She pauses, her eyes flicking over me. “She wouldn’t want this you know.” My chest clenches painfully at the mention of her.
“Don’t, Molly.” I warn her.
“You can’t just bury your head in the sand…or a tequila bottle as appears to be the case. She would hate to see you like this.” Her voice is soft, but stern at the same time.
“She left me remember. What she wants doesn’t count anymore.” I duck my head. Fuck it hurts to even think of her.
She grabs my face forcing me to look at her. “Theo, you are crashing and burning. If you ever want to get her back you need to pull your shit together. Lilly is drawn to strength. She can’t abide weakness. She sees this? She’ll run for the bloody hills.”
I frown at her. “She’s already run from me. I fucked it all up Molly. It hurts too much.” I’m rambling, but the words won’t stop.
“Hey, look at me.” I lift my eyes to her face. “Her court case is in two days.” She lifts her eyebrows, eyeing me meaningfully. “Pull. Your shit. Together.”
“She doesn’t want me, she’ll fight me.” I slur.
“Of course she will, she’s Lilly.” She shrugs. “Remember, the best things in life are never easy.” She pats my face gently. “Fight.” She says close to my ear. “Be her strength. She’d die before she’d admit it, but she’ll need you.”
She turns away from me. “Hugo, come on. I don’t have all night.” She snaps.
Hugo puts me in a taxi before he leaves with Molly. He follows that woman around like a fucking lap dog. She must be magic in the sack. Why the hell she gives him the time of day I’ll never know. I love Hugo like a brother, but she could do so much better.
I lean my head against the window. Two days. Two days until I can see her again.
Chapter Two
Lilly
I watch the ocean as it lazily rolls onto the beach. It’s early and a light mist drifts across the waves as the sun just starts to peak over the horizon. I like it here, it’s peaceful. The tranquillity brings a certain calm to my fraught state. I like to sit out here for hours sometimes, just basking in the serenity.
Today I don’t have time to sit here for hours though. Today I have to go home and leave my small slice of peace behind. I’ve been staying with Harry for nearly two weeks now. As soon as I was able to scrape myself off of that floor, I packed a bag and I left.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m not running, and I’m not hiding. I just need to re-group. I need to give myself a chance to feel everything, to feel the hurt and the betrayal, the loss and the longing. I usually have the ability to shut off when it comes to emotions, but I have to admit Theo really knocked me on my arse with this one.
I had to leave, because even Molly and George don’t realise just how breakable Theodore Ellis has made me. I became so entranced by him, so addicted, that I forgot my number one focus; to protect myself. Before I’d even realised what had happened I had given him my heart and my trust, without ever consciously giving either. It’s so stupid. I fell for a man who I always knew would end up hurting me, and yet I walked straight into it. I ignored all of my instincts and for what? Lust? I thought so. I thought what Theo and I had was just passion and fire. We have the kind of attraction that is magnetic and deadly without a doubt, but the constant, aching tightness in my chest is not the aftermath of lust, it’s the devastation of a shattered heart. It is the breaking of something that I thought I would never have, and when I did, it was cruelly ripped away before I’d barely even registered what I had, what we had…that I was in love with him. That I am in love with him. I thought I knew damaged. I thought I knew broken. I thought I knew rock bottom. Turns out there’s a whole other layer of shit below that. I have never felt pain like it. I don’t know whether to scream, shout or cry. It’s that kind of sadness that is just utterly consuming in its misery. At times I feel like it’s suffocating me. I feel as if a void has been left inside me, and it will never again be filled. I’m incomplete. Just breathing without him hurts, and with every burning breath I take, my very soul aches for him. I hate him for doing this to me, but I miss him so much it’s beyond comprehension. I feel like I’m grieving for someone, rather than having broken up with them. Perhaps I’m grieving for the loss of myself. Who knows? All I can say is that I was wise to avoid falling for someone before. Nothing is worth this crippling, debilitating hurt. I was a fool to change that, and now I’m paying the price. That’s the absolute worst part about it, the part that makes me want to break down and cry; I did this to myself. You can take a beating if you’re forced to, but this feels like I held my hand over the flame, only to cry when I got burned. It was inevitable. I’d love to say I let my heart rule my head. That sounds so much more poetic. Worse though, I let my hormones rule my head. I let him manipulate my body, seduce me to the point of no return.
That’s why I’m here, to do my crying without an audience. I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty, so I came to the only person who truly knows my ugly: my brother. I’m going back today because the court case is tomorrow, just to add more shit on the pile.
I’m fine with going back to London. I’m ready. I am not some broken little girl. I’m just lost. The question is where to go from here? The answer, I don’t know. Try as I might to deny it Theodore Ellis has changed me. It’s as though he’s left his mark on me. He’s left a chink in my armour that I can’t fix no matter how hard I try. I can’t go back to being the person I was before, that girl is gone, crushed by her own stupidity.
I hate feeling the way I’ve felt these past couple of weeks, and I’m done allowing him to have this kind of power over me. Day by day I can feel myself slowly shutting down. The pain is numbing, but so is everything else. I don’t know how to go forward. I was always strong before, but it was the kind of strength you muster, and you fight for. When I was with Theo I had the kind of strength that is effortless and unbreakable. I can no longer muster the strength, I don’t have it in me. What’s left is this shell I’m becoming. Emotionless, shut down, untouchable. That’s what I need to be right now, untouchable.
I sigh and pull myself up off of the sand. My brother’s house is a two minute walk away over-looking the ocean. Harry’s done well for himself over the years. His garages bring in a lot of money. He specialises in high performance vehicles, and living in Sand Banks, there are no shortage of those.
I walk up the steps of the stark white house. The windows are all mirrored from the outside, it’s one of those minimalist bachelor pads. Typical Harry.
“There you are.” Harry says as he sips his coffee at the breakfast bar. He’s reading the paper wearing only his boxers. Gross. Donnie is sat on the far side of the bar eating cereal, but says nothing. Donnie rents a room from Harry, and sometimes does bits of work for him. He is a man of few words and well used to mine and Harry’s squabbles.
“Can you at least put some clothes on? I don’t need to see you hanging out in your pants, scratching your arse.”
“My house my rules sis, and scratch my arse I shall.” He smiles but doesn’t look up from his paper. His wavy brown hair is sticking in every direction and his green eyes, identical to mine, are blood shot. Harry is not a morning person.
“Nice.” I mumble. I grab a cup of coffee and sit at the breakfast bar next to Harry. I grab a paper and start skimming through the headlines. I feel like I’ve been living in a hole for the last two weeks. World war III could have ensued and I wouldn’t know. I have loved staying with Harry though. He has been a true life saver thi
s last fortnight. It’s impossible to be sad around him. Even Donnie has tried his best to cheer me up.
“You sure you want to go back today?” Harry meets my gaze, his eyes full of concern. I love him dearly, but I swear he thinks I’m some delicate little flower. Although, in his defence, he has seen some shit in the past couple of weeks that no guy should be subjected to. It’s a fact that men cannot deal with ugly crying. Harry’s reaction is to pet me like a dog.
I sigh. “I’m fine. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with worse.”
“I don’t want you to have to deal with any more, Lill’s.” He frowns. Harry thinks he can protect me from the world and sometimes I wish he could.
“Yeah, well life’s a bitch, and sadly this is another one of those incidents I brought on myself.”
He rolls his eyes. “Please don’t tell me you’ve turned into one of those women. ‘I pushed him into the arms of another woman’.” He says in a high pitched voice.
I punch him in the arm. “No, but there’s a very good reason I don’t do relationships. This shit is enough to put me off for life.”
He rubs his arm. “Seriously, you have such a manly swing.”
I ignore him and glance down at the paper to find I’ve turned to the gossip section…and right slap bang in the middle is Theodore Ellis. He’s pictured with his arm thrown around some woman’s neck. He’s almost falling over and he has lipstick marks across his jaw. The headline says; ‘Ellis Up to Old Tricks.’ I quickly close the paper and fold it. I leave the kitchen and go straight to my room before Harry can see me break down. I don’t cry. I’m all cried out. It hurts though. My chest feels like someone is twisting a knife inside of me. I bite the inside of my cheek to stop the tears from coming. Damn him, he will not do this to me. I’m here crying over him, while he’s out partying, drinking and womanising as though we never fucking happened. I want to scream at him. I want to hurt him the way he’s hurt me. I grip at my chest, trying to hold myself together, trying to stop what feels like a physical wound in my heart from ripping wide open. This shouldn’t come as a surprise. What did I expect? He’s Theo Ellis. He’s a fucking arsehole. I hate him. I love him. Oh god, when will this stop!?
