by LP Lovell
“It’s not like that. If you just…” I hold my hand up stopping her.
“I don’t want to talk about him.”
She frowns at me and presses her lips together. I can tell she wants to argue with me, but she won’t. “Fine. You two seem determined to destroy each other. See you in the morning.” She turns and heads off to her room.
I huff. “Since when do her loyalties lay with Theodore fucking Ellis?”
George shrugs. “Probably since she’s fucking his best friend. Don’t forget, Hugo is always with Theo. Not that I think she’s going to the dark side, but you know how Molly is. She likes to take pity on broken things. He’s probably been all ‘Lilly won’t talk to me.’” I feel a slight stab of jealousy at the thought of Molly spending time with him. Then I decide to be angry again. She should hate him. I won’t pretend that these are entirely rational thoughts, because I tend to get bitchy when I drink wine, but I don’t think I’m being ridiculous here.
“Great.” Is my only response.
George laughs and then pulls me back down against his chest. “I was comfy.” He mumbles.
I snuggle against him, inhaling his familiar scent, fresh and woodsy. Safe.
I smile. I really wish, and definitely not for the first time, that George were straight. He would be my perfect man. If only I think to myself. Alas, the boys get George, and I get left with all the bastards. Still, I get the best friend a girl could ask for. George is that person…you know, the one who would hide all my sex toys if I died. We all need one of those.
I’m sat at my desk in my new office typing up a deal for the Wyatt buyout when my mobile phone rings. I glance down at the screen as it flashes with ‘Wanker’. I smile at the same time as my heart clenches. I told George about the fact that Theo has called me five times a day for the last week, ever since I left him standing in the courthouse car park surrounded by press, with that wounded animal look on his face. George changed his details in my phone book and said that at least when he calls it will make me smile, even if it is for the wrong reasons. We hate him. I press reject. This is the third time he’s called me today. I can’t help but picture that hurt look on his face as I walked away from him. I hate that I care. He deserves to be hurt. He deserves everything that comes his way. Fucking arsehole. In case you haven’t guessed, I’m in the anger faze of the break up, and I much prefer this to last week’s snivelling, crying mess. I never thought I would cry over a guy. Turns out I’ve cried more in one day over this guy than I have in my entire life, and when you’ve had a life like mine, that’s pretty damn pathetic let me tell you. Yeah, anger is a familiar and welcome friend right now. I embrace it with open arms, even if it does turn me into a psycho. Besides, I’m a redhead. I can totally get away with it.
These phone calls are starting to grate though. I thought I made myself pretty damn clear at the courthouse, but Theo being Theo needs it driven home with a bloody sledge hammer before he’ll listen. No, not even then. I don’t know why he can’t just leave me alone. He ripped down my walls, only to hit me where it hurts and leave me bleeding. Surely that’s enough for one person? I still love him, but I can’t be around him. I’ll admit that I’m far too invested in him to be friends with him. I could never watch him with another woman. I would never admit it but I think it might kill me. I just want a clean break from him. I want to pretend he never happened. Seeing him at the courthouse just ripped a fresh scab off a wound. I will never heal whilst he insists on trying to make amends. Why can he not see how broken this is? There is no putting this back together. There is no situation in which we get a happily ever after here. What we had was too strong. What happened was too monumental to get past. Even in my irrational post break-up state I can see that he didn’t necessarily wrong me, but some things are too big of an ask. The idea of him with another woman’s child makes me feel sick. It makes my chest ache, and my throat burn. No, his actions weren’t wrong, but all actions have consequences, and I can’t deal with this particular consequence.
The office phone rings, breaking my thoughts.
“Florell and Simmons. Lilly Parker speaking.”
“Lilly.” For fuck’s sake. His voice is deep and husky. It sends shivers up my spine, but it also makes my chest clench painfully. On a knee jerk reaction I slam the phone down as if it’s burned me. I clutch at my chest. Fuck him. Fuck him for doing this to me. Fuck him for catching me by surprise. I wasn’t ready for that. It’s like being punched in the stomach before you’ve had a chance to tense. I take a few deep breaths and the tightness slowly subsides. Jesus, I need to get a grip of myself. Find the anger, find the anger. This is ridiculous. Three weeks away from him should have rendered me immune, surely. Oh, who am I kidding? I think it’s made it worse. I crave him, like the drug that he is to me. I love him, and that’s why this hurts so much. Relationships are just a shit storm waiting to happen, because you start to get hurt the moment you start to care. I need him to stop, so that these feelings can dissipate.
The office phone rings again, but I don’t pick it up. I know that’s bad, and I shouldn’t be letting this affect me at work, but I just can’t deal with him. He’s a sneaky fucking bastard for calling me at work. Well, if he thinks I’ll be obliged to pick up just because he calls the office then he can think again. Wanker.
At five o’clock I go and get changed in the ladies, so I can meet George for dinner before his show. Today has been shit, and I’d love to just go home and curl up on the sofa in the fetal position, like the social reject I’ve become. Pity party for one please - Yeah, I’m back to mopey and depressing instead of angry and crazy. I have no control over my emotions- Alas, I said I would go to Georges show, and I really do want to see it. If he could just bring it to the sofa, that would be great. I change out of my trouser suit and into a knee length fitted dress. I slip my nude heels back on and apply a fresh coat of lip gloss. My hair is particularly unruly today, so I dig a couple of hair grips out of the abyss that is my hand bag and pin it half up. I think about the break up ‘phases’ as explained to me by Donnie of all people, poor guy. I’ve had the sadness and the anger. Well, as I glance at my reflection, I think that if there’s a phase of just not giving a fuck what you look like, I’m there. In fact, just not giving a fuck altogether.
I go back to my office and lock my bag in my bottom draw before heading to the lift. I text George to say I’m on my way. The lift door pings as I’m still looking at my phone. I step forward and into a hard body.
“Oh god, I’m sorry.” I splutter as I dazedly step away from the wall of a man in front of me. My eyes run up an expensive suit clad body, and over a strong stubble covered jaw until I’m looking into stormy grey eyes. There’s something familiar about his features, but I can’t place him.
“That’s okay.” He smiles as his hands stay where he’d placed them on my shoulders to steady me. I slip out of his grip and step away from the hulk of a stranger. He’s handsome in that rugged, effortless way. His eyes are intense as they watch me step away from him. I offer a small smile before I step out of the lift, only to find Theo and Mr Simmons stood a few feet away from me. I sigh and tilt my head up to the ceiling for a second. Seriously, can someone just cut me a break? Theo has that usual heir that says he owns everyone and everything, including me. Prick. He looks good, really good. He’s wearing dark grey trousers cut perfectly to fit his narrow hips. His shirt is a lighter grey, open at the collar, no tie of course. The material stretches across his defined shoulders and chest. His eyes follow my every move as I take a step forward. He studies me like a predator watching a wounded gazelle, and it makes my hackles rise. I meet his gaze boldly, because if there’s one thing I’ve always done, its challenge him. His eyes bare into me, leaving me feeling stripped naked. His sensuous lips pull into a hint of a smile. Fucking hell he’s gorgeous. For once though, my body doesn’t tremble and heat at the sight of that small smile. My pitiful heart pines for him, locked in a bone deep, soul wrenching sadness that makes me f
eel empty and cold.
Despite what I tell myself…and everyone around me…I don’t hate him, but I definitely want to, so much. It would make this whole break up thing a lot easier. The heart wants what the heart wants though, and if there’s one thing I now know, it’s that rational thought often goes to shit where love is concerned.
For the first time in my life it seems like running would be the easier option than fighting, because you can’t fight someone you love. Why did I let myself fall in love with him?! Stupid, stupid, stupid. This is why I don’t want to see him, this is why I need him to leave me alone, because when he’s near me the pain feels like lead in my veins, dragging me down and choking me until I’m crippled under the weight of it.
“Lilly.” Mr. Simmons greets me. “You look very nice.” He smiles kindly. He has that grandfather thing going on, where everything he says is very gently spoken. I know he’s probably not like this with everyone, or he wouldn’t be where he is. I’ll take it though.
“Thank you.” I reply, keeping my eyes on the marble floor of the foyer, hoping I can slip by Theo without any altercation.
“Ah, so you are here today Miss Parker.” I’m forced to look at him, or I’ll look rude in front of my boss. Theo smiles smugly. There’s something different about him today. Gone is the beaten down guy that I saw in the courthouse, tiptoeing around me and begging for my forgiveness. This is the Theo I know, cocky, infuriating and determined. Oddly, I find it easier to deal with. This Theo I know how to handle. The one who looks at me like I’m the very air he breathes…he scares the shit out of me. Maybe he’s over me. That thought hurts more than it should. I narrow my eyes at him as I stare him down. “I tried to get hold of you earlier to book an appointment, but I couldn’t get through.” Fucking arsehole.
“Oh, I’m sure Miss Parker can spare some time for you Mr Ellis.” Mr Simmons looks at me expectantly.
“I’m sorry Mr. Ellis. I’m extremely busy over the next week with a big deal.” I look pointedly at Simmons.
“Well, I’m sure you can squeeze me in Miss Parker. I have a very lucrative business deal I need your expertise for. You proved to be very proficient in your work on our last project.” His stare is intense as he locks those sapphire eyes onto mine. I see in his eyes something that is synonymous with Theodore Ellis, gritty, unfaltering determination. I see a man who takes what he wants shamelessly. He’s going after me the only way he knows how. What Theo wants Theo gets, and what he wants is me…again. It may have worked once, but it won’t work again. He can get fucked.
Mr. Simmons seems totally oblivious to the stand-off taking place. “Miss Parker will call you tomorrow to arrange.” He says. Jesus, does this guy not read the papers? Just hand me the bloody noose why don’t you?
“Great. I look forward to it.” He smiles wryly. I scowl back at him before I turn and walk away from the lift.
I let out an exasperated sigh as I feel warm fingers wrap around my arm, halting me. I don’t turn around, refusing to face him. My arm tingles under his touch, my body longing for him. Damn it. I have to focus on why I should hate him. He’s a cock. He’s a cock. I recite in the hopes that it will curb his infectiously magnetic pull. He leans in and whispers in my ear, his breath touching my neck. “I look forward to our meeting Lilly. We have a lot to discuss.”
I turn and look over my shoulder at him. I keep my voice low so my boss can’t hear me. “We have nothing to discuss, other than your turning into a fucking stalker. You should get some help with that.” I smirk. I’m pulling on every acting class I’ve ever taken right now in an attempt to appear nonchalant. I’m anything but.
He smiles. “What can I say, you drive me crazy. You always have.” He moves to stand in front of me as Simmons moves away to talk to the stranger who is still holding the lift.
“You drive me crazy, but it’s the kind of crazy that makes me want to stab you.” Another fake smile.
“I love it when you get feisty sugar.” His eyes flick down my body, which despite being covered from neck to knee, is feeling very exposed as his eyes rake my tight dress. He smirks and leans in closer. “Horrible things Lilly.” Seriously?! His voice is strained and rough. I shiver involuntarily as his breath touches my lips. He laughs lightly. Ugh, dick.
I smirk and flick my eyes down his body. ”Yes, horrible things indeed…” I rip my arm from his grip and walk away from him without looking back.
“…they involve petrol and a match.” I say louder with forced indifference. I hear deep rumbling laughter behind me and turn to see rugged stranger grinning at me. There’s something about him. I smile and wink at him. Theo glares at him in response, which just makes him laugh more.
I stride across the foyer and out the front doors. I exhale in relief as soon as I’m outside. My arm still tingles where he touched me. Surely he shouldn’t still have this much of an effect over me? I sigh and step onto the pavement.
The street outside is busy as people rush to get home from their jobs. Rush hour in London always has a certain desperation about it as though no-one can bare to spend an extra second at their place of work. I flicker of red catches my eye across the street, as the people pass by I catch sight of a red haired woman stood on the pavement across the road. She looks frighteningly familiar as she stands among the moving people like a statue. I squint, trying to make out her features, but I can’t see her clearly. A few people pass in front of my vision, and then she’s gone. I scan the pavement, trying to spot her flaming hair, but I can’t. A fissure of unease makes its way up my spine, but I shake it off. It was probably nothing, she just looks familiar that’s all.
I take the ten minute walk to Thai Sorroca which as the name suggests is a Thai restaurant. George is seated next to the window. We always sit near the window so we can people watch, it’s our thing. When I say people watch what I actually mean is people judge.
He’s wearing jeans and a long sleeved knit jumper that’s doing wonders for his broad shoulders. His blonde hair is slightly damp from the shower. I sit down and catch the smell of his cologne; Chanel Bleu. It always reminds me of George.
“Hey babe.” He points to a glass of wine. “I thought we could make a night of it.” He wiggles his eyebrows.
“I know that look and no I’m not going out, getting trashed or fucking a random guy.”
“And.” He says.
“What?”
“That last one should have been ‘and’. You’re going out, getting trashed and fucking some random guy, because all of the above will be happening.” He takes a sip of his wine whilst wiggling his eyebrows at me.
“Oh, no. I’m not done with being a depressing, whiny bitch yet. I reckon you’ve got at least another week. Minimum.”
He groans dramatically. “But Lilly I’m bored. I need a play mate, and you’re the best playmate a guy could want.” He smiles and gives me the puppy dog eyes. “No-one else gets trashed, busts moves and bangs guys in equal measure to me. No-one else can keep up with me. I need you.”
“No!” I hold my hand up, blocking my view of his face and those eyes. “You haven’t had me as wingman for three months!”
He grabs my hand pulling it away. “Yeah well, I could excuse it because you were nailing him, and bastard or not, I’m still mentally high fiving you for that.” He bites his lip a little as he shakes his head.
“George!” I swat at him. “Stop!” He grins, caught red handed fantasizing about the enemy.
He ignores me. “Plus, break up drinking is always the most entertaining form of alcohol consumption. You haven’t gotten rip roaring drunk yet. There’s always crying and vomit. Now I reckon you’ll be fucking awesome with your outrageous comments and I’m suspecting declarations of lesbianism.” I open my mouth to reply and he lifts an eyebrow at me. “Don’t pretend it won’t happen. You strike me as a potential muff diver.”
“I am not a muff diver.” I roll my eyes. “I’m pretty sure that’s a last resort.” I frown.
“Oh you don�
�t want to go there, trust me.” He shakes his head. “Those bitches are crazy. Must be the lack of cock.” He muses.
“Um, I think that’s kind of the point.” I raise an eyebrow at him and he just shrugs.
The waitress comes over and we both place our orders. I don’t even look at the menu. I always have Thai green curry. I’m so unadventurous when it comes to food I don’t know the name of.
“So, I bumped into Theo on my way out of work.” I say when the waitress has gone.
George mock gasps. “Was he looking hot in all his dick-headed glory?”
I smile. “Sadly, yes.” I exhale loudly.
“Well, if it’s any consolation you look smoking hot today babe. I would.” He winks.
I laugh. “No you wouldn’t.”
“I’d try.” He offers with a wry smile.
“And I appreciate that babe, I really do.” I smile at his little shrug. “I’d like to think I still have it enough that I can get laid without having to force myself on a gay man though.”
“Oh, sweetie, men are going to think your vagina shoots fairy dust or something. You’ll have a queue a mile long of men wanting a shot at that.” He points at my lap.
“Um, no.” I laugh.
“Girl, you’re the woman who managed to lock down the biggest playboy in town. Believe me when I say guys will want a shot at that.”
“Well the playboy stayed true to his ways in the end, so my vagina can’t be that good.” I frown.
“Um, the playboy got some elsewhere when you denied him further access to said vagina. What’s a guy to do?”
“Not think with his dick at all times?” I grumble. It still stings, but George is right, I have no right to be annoyed about it. That’s easier said than done when the guy you’re irritatingly in love with has stuck it to another woman…and gotten her knocked up. Yep, still smarts like a bitch.
“Not possible. Sorry.” He holds his hands up and grins as I glare at him. “Hey, you’re hardly the commitment loving Virgin Mary, you old slag.”
