by LP Lovell
“Holy shit.” Molly whispers. She walks cautiously toward Lilly. “Lill’s are you okay?” She asks, her voice breaking slightly. It’s a stupid question. Anyone looking at her eyes can tell she is so far away from okay right now, not to mention the fact that she’s bleeding all over the place. Molly gets no answer. Lilly just continues to stare blankly.
I approach her and crouch down in front of her. “Lilly?” She doesn’t move. It’s as though her body and mind have gone into shut down. I stroke her cheek and she doesn’t even seem to acknowledge my touch. My beautiful, strong, feisty Lilly has been reduced to this and it hurts so fucking much, I can barely breathe. I stand and turn around. I take a deep breath. I pinch the bridge of my nose as my eyes start to prickle. I need to pull it together, broken or not, the last thing she will want is pity.
I turn back around to her, she hasn’t moved. “Molly, can you get me some warm salty water and some cotton wool?” I don’t take my eyes off her crumpled form.
“Uh, yeah sure.” Her voice is husky and strangled.
I crouch down in front of Lilly again. “Lilly I need to clean your hands.” Nothing, no response. I gently wrap my fingers around one of her slim wrists and pull it away from her leg. She doesn’t fight me. Her palm is showered with glass splinters. I wince at the sight of them all. I start to pick the tiny bits of glass out of her palm, she doesn’t move.
“And some tweezers.” I say to Molly.
One enormous shard sticks out of the centre of Lilly’s palm. I look up at her, still staring blankly. I pull it out, cringing at how much it must hurt. She doesn’t so much as twitch. I swallow the lump in my throat as I continue to work. I trace the line of a pink scar that runs from the base of her wrist and across her palm, a painful and stark reminder of the day I lost her.
Eventually I’ve managed to remove the glass, wash and bandage her hands.
“We need to move her.” I turn to Molly and George, both of whom look almost as broken as Lilly. Their faces are that of horror and helplessness. George just nods his head.
“I’ll take her to her room.” I bend and gently pick Lilly up with one arm under her thighs and one on her lower back. She looks at me for a moment, her cold dead stare boring into me. It feels as though she’s screaming for help from some terrible untouchable place, but I can’t reach her. I walk her into her room and lay her on her bed. I bite my lip as I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I stroke her face, silently begging her to come back to me, but she’s long gone. I press my lips to her forehead.
“Hold in there sugar. I love you.” I whisper to her.
Molly follows lingers beside me. “Her bandages are bleeding through already. I think she needs stitches.” She whispers.
“I can’t take her to a hospital like this Molly.” I frown. They’d probably section her, god knows she’s scaring the shit out of me.
Molly stands to leave but hesitates. “It’s okay Molly. I’ll stay with her.” I say.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” She asks, although she won’t look at me as she says it.
“I’m not leaving her.” I leave no room for argument.
She sighs. “Okay.” She says as she leaves and quietly closes the door behind her.
I just need to make sure that she’s okay, or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. We’ve spoken more in the last twenty four hours than we have in the last month. The reason; she needs me. I like that she needs me. It’s when she needs me that she lets down those walls and lets me see Lilly, the woman I love. The thing is though, tomorrow she may not need me and she’ll run like she always does. It’s a chance I’m willing to take. Hell, I’d take any amount of pain if it means taking it away from her right now.
I leave the bedside lamp on and pull the duvet over her. I pull off my hoody before laying on top of the duvet next to her. I turn on my side and study her beautiful face. Her features hold so much anguish. She stares blankly at the ceiling, a few tears spilling silently down her temples. Seeing her like this kills me. I would do anything to save her from this. I had promised myself I wouldn’t touch her, just keep an eye on her, but I can’t help it. I need to hold her. I pull her into my arms, pulling her back up against my front, and I just hold her. I hold her as she falls apart and I try desperately to hold the fragments together. I bury my face in her hair as my own tears begin to fall. I hold her until her breathing evens out and she eventually falls asleep.
I jump awake to a shrill scream. My eyes hurt as I open them to the dim light in the room. Lilly is next to me and she screams again. It takes me a moment to realise she’s still sleeping. She’s covered in sweat, her body shaking and trembling. Every muscle in her small frame is rigid tense. She begins frantically screaming, everything about her laced with panic.
I stroke her hair. “Lilly, wake up.” I say. “Lilly?” I shake her a little.
Her eyes snap open as she gasps for breath. “Harry.” She sobs. She sounds so lost, so frightened.
“Lilly?” I say quietly.
She turns her head and her eyes are so full of terror. “Theo.” She whispers.
“It’s okay. I’m here.” She rolls onto her side, her fingers claw at my t-shirt as she buries her face in my chest. I just hold her because there’s nothing else I can do. I wrap my arms around her as she trembles against me, the nightmare still clinging to her. I stroke her hair, trying to soothe her fraught state.
She eventually rolls away from me without a word, she gets up and walks into the en-suite leaving the door open. I hear the shower start. I sigh, this is so fucking hard. Why am I here? What am I doing? She’s already in a shit place, and yet here I am trying to what…? Be her knight in shining armour? Nothing’s changed. Cassie is still pregnant, and as much as I love Lilly I can’t ask her to ride this shit out with me. That means that this situation right here is just causing us both more pain. I know all of this, and yet I don’t care because although she would never admit it, I know she needs me right now. After a long while the shower is still running.
I approach the open door, but don’t go in. “Lilly?” I call out. Through the doorway I can see a pile of discarded bandages on the floor along with her bloody tank top. She doesn’t answer me. “Lilly?” Nothing.
I step into the en-suite. I can just make out her form through the thick steam of the shower. She’s sat on the floor of the shower in the same position I found her in last night, arms wrapped around her legs. I swing open the glass partition and step fully clothed into the stream of water, it’s scalding hot. I crouch down until I’m face to face with her. Her startling green eyes meet mine, baring my soul as she strips away every layer I have. This woman has always seen straight through me in a way that un-nerves, yet settles me at the same time. I place my hand on her cheek. She tilts her head, leaning into my touch as her eyes flutter closed.
“Lilly.” I whisper her name, all the words I want to say to her wrapped up in that one word.
“I’m not clean.” She says. I frown at her. “I just want to be clean.” She says in a small voice.
“Okay.” I say to her, not willing to let on that she’s scaring me a little. I find her shampoo and squeeze some into my hand. I rub it into her hair carefully. She watches me the entire time, her eyes never leaving my face. “Tilt your head back.” I instruct her as I remove the shower head and wash the shampoo from her hair. I run my fingers through her hair, trying to focus on the task at hand and not her naked body just a few inches from mine.
I stand to put the shower head back and she reaches out her hand to me, I take it, pulling her to her feet. I’m trying to do the right thing here, I really am. I try so hard to look only at her face, but Lilly’s body is like every dirty fantasy I’ve ever had. I swallow hard as my cock starts to harden. Please, no, this is so not the time. She studies my face as we stand only inches apart under the flow of hot water. She reaches up and strokes my jaw, her expression mirrors my own. Being this close to something you want so much, but know will only cause
you pain later is bitter sweet. I hold her face in both hands, leaning my forehead against hers. I close my eyes, just relishing her touch. Her breathe caresses my lips gently and I smile. For just a moment I can pretend that life outside of this shower cubicle doesn’t exist, it’s just me, and her. Perfect.
I feel her press her lips to mine. It’s the lightest of brushes and it makes every nerve in my body catch fire. My cock springs to life, knowing that this is her, this is the one. I kiss her back, I can’t help it. I’ve missed her and I want her so much it hurts. I know this isn’t the right time, but I crave her so much. Her fingers go to my hair as she pulls me against her. I can feel every wet, naked curve of her glorious body pressed against me through my wet t-shirt. Her fingers start to creep under my shirt as she strokes my skin. She pulls the hem of my shirt up and over my head, dropping it to the floor. We’re now skin to skin, she always feels so amazing. I shudder as she presses her lips to mine again and pulls at the waistband of my shorts, pushing them and my boxers down my legs. Her kisses become more aggressive, faster, almost frantic. What am I doing? She’s vulnerable. I need to stop this. It takes every ounce of willpower I have to pull away from her as she trembles against me, her breathing laboured. I press my forehead to hers.
“What are you doing Lilly? You don’t want this.” I breathe. I feel like I just ripped my own fucking chest open, but I won’t let her do this knowing it’s wrong.
Her big eyes meet mine and the sadness in them is enough to bring me to my knees. She looks longingly at me. “Make me feel clean. Erase his touch.” Her voice is desperate and broken. Her eyes are begging me.
I frown. “Whose touch?”
“Please.” Her voice cracks. I swallow past the lump in my throat. I would do anything for her, be anything to her. “Please Theo. Love me.”
I wind my fingers into her hair as I kiss her gently. “I love you Lilly.”
“Show me.” She whispers. I take deep breath and wrap my hands around her tiny waist. I lift her, pinning her against the wall.
“Are you sure?” I ask. I want to be inside her again so fucking much, but under these circumstances I feel like a horrible bastard. She’s pleading with me like this is the answer to all her problems, it’s not, but I want her to know that she’s loved. I love her beyond measure.
“Make me feel strong Theo.” Her eyes are begging me. This is her way of saying she needs me.
I lower her until my cock is pressed right where it wants so desperately to be. I look into her eyes one last time, still not comforted by what I see. I’m careful with her, taking my time. She buries her face in my neck as her hands cling to my shoulders. Her body is trembling. I lower her slowly until I’m buried balls deep inside her. I press one hand against the wall, gritting my teeth. She feels too fucking good.
“Look at me sugar.” I say to her.
Her eyes find mine, a world of pain I cannot begin to understand swimming in them. “I love you.” I repeat. Her hands move to my face, her touch gentle but frantic. She presses her lips against mine, delicately, passionately. I begin to move inside her slowly. My hands skim her thighs as they cling to my waist, before moving over the soft skin of her waist. She drops her lips to my neck, skimming her tongue along the stubble of my jaw.
I want to stay inside her, connected to her, but I haven’t had her for weeks and I just can’t last that long.
I thrust into her slightly harder and she moans quietly. Our lips are so close, her breath caressing my lips as she takes shallow breaths. “Theo.” She gasps as she starts to tremble.
I hold her face as I roll my hips against her. I watch her as she falls apart in my arms, her pussy gripping me like a vice and sending me over the edge. Her eyes bare into me, ripping me wide open and exposing me as she draws every last ounce of pleasure from me.
I turn and lean against the wall, sliding down it until I’m sat on the floor with her in my lap. Fuck! I meet her eyes, I can’t see the tears on her face due to the water from the shower, but I know she’s crying from her stricken expression.
“Lilly.” She looks up and offers me a weak smile.
“I’m sorry.” She says.
“No, I’m sorry. I should never have done that.”
She shakes her head. Her fingers frantically stroking over my face. Her face crumples slightly, her lips press together as she squeezes her eyes shut. “Lilly.” I whisper.
Her beautiful eyes meet mine and a tiny smile pulls at her lips. “You make me feel strong Theo, just for a little while.” I manage to stand and manoeuvre her out of the shower. I wrap a towel around her. She seems so small and fragile. She goes into the bedroom and crawls under the duvet, still in her towel. She looks exhausted, her expression drawn.
My clothes are now soaked. I wring out my shorts as best I can and pull on my hoody that’s still dry.
“Where are you going?” I look up to see her watching me.
“Home. I only came because George said you were in a bad way and I thought maybe you might need me. I mean, I know you don’t need me, but I wanted to be here.” I stumble over myself. Smooth.
“Please stay.” Her eyes plead with me. Well I don’t need asking twice, not that I could ever turn her down when she looks at me like that. A small blossom of hope erupts in my chest. She’s lucid now and she’s asking me to stay.
I pull my hoody back off and glance down at my damp shorts. “There are some boxers in my top drawer.” She says.
I frown, expecting some ex-boyfriends underwear. I smile as I open the drawer and see several pairs of my boxers. I glance at her and cock an eyebrow at her, a smug smile on my face.
She shrugs. “I like sleeping in them.” The thought of her wearing nothing but my boxers makes me hard. Damn it.
I change, turn off the light and crawl into bed with her. I wrap my arms around her and pull her back up against my chest. Nothing has ever felt more perfect than this. I brush my palm against the side of her head, smoothing her wet hair. Her body relaxes against mine.
“You’re wrong.” She whispers into the darkness. “I do need you.”
Chapter Twenty Two
Lilly
I wake up in the morning and find my face pressed against something hot and hard…and moving. I open my eyes and see the defined contours of a very male chest. I inhale the natural scent that is all Theo. My mind rehashes the last twenty four hours, and although threatening to snap, it doesn’t. Theo’s presence is like a battery, giving me strength and fuelling me. I cling to him. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel like I can take on anything the world throws at me, simply by being here. I take a deep breath and sit up. His beautiful face is peaceful in sleep, his breaths slow and even. Shit, what am I doing? He’s just like a drug. No matter how many days or weeks or months I’ve abstained, the second I give in, I’m right back to square one. I had sex with him. I’m at square one right now. God, how am I supposed to face him? I broke down. All those years of pushing myself to be strong, and yet the last person I would ever want to see my weaknesses had to pick me up and put me back together. Without Harry though, he’s the only one who can. Why can’t I pull myself back together? What if Harry goes to prison? I won’t survive it. I don’t know how to feel about any of this right now, and I don’t have the time to work it out.
I quietly get out of bed. My hands hurt, and I can’t fully stretch out my fingers through the swelling. I walk into the living room and see glass from the smashed coffee table is still all over the floor. I can’t believe I did that. I stare at the smashes pieces, so representative of how I feel right now. Smashed, irreparable, ruined. I feel strung out, unable to find any purpose any more. I need to call a solicitor for Harry. I’ll have to call Simmons and see if he can hook me up with a good criminal defence attorney. I check the time. It’s only seven thirty. I need to do something, I need to help Harry, but I can’t do anything until I speak to Simmons. I need to get out of here. I slip back into my room and grab some running clothes and my trainers. I don�
��t have time to go to the dance studio, but I need to do something that will switch my brain off. Then I need to see Harry. After that I need to find my mother.
The air outside is chilly, but the cold helps to sharpen my mind. I run around the edge of the park opposite the flat. A few people are out running or walking their dogs. I pop my earphones in and blast the most obnoxious music I can find; Nine Inch Nails. Despite my loud, thought preventing music, my mind won’t stop. I can’t stop thinking about Harry being locked up in a cell, and then of course there’s Theo. He held me together last night when I was ready to crumble. I still feel ready to crumble, but if I do then I know he’ll be here to catch me. I have no right to want him to catch me. We’re bad for each other, he has a baby on the way…there are so many reasons why he’s wrong. So then why does it feel so damn right? When I’m around him, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. It scares me to need him, to lean on him the way I do, but I find myself feeling a peace that I haven’t felt in years, if ever. When he holds me, everything goes calm. I can stop fighting myself, the world, my demons…because he’ll fight them for me. Or maybe I’m just being pathetic and clinging to him because I’m vulnerable. Fuck, I need to focus on more important things. Go and see Harry, get him out of prison. The rest can wait. I run around Holland Park twice, my feet pounding the path that runs around the outside. When I reach the end of my second lap I’m exhausted, I bend over and brace my hands on my knees. My chest heaves, my legs burn, and I’m sweating like I’ve just had a serious seeing to.
