Prindabel held up his hands and said no more. He just sat back in his seat and continued to stare wide-eyed at me as if I was volunteering to bellyflop naked into a pit of loaded mousetraps.
‘Right. Well, anyway, dude, like I was trying to say before I was interrupted by Professor Von Looney here, Cindy’s coming to the Arts Fair – so’s Sal – but the best bit is when I told Cindy all about you and showed her your photo in the school magazine, she was keen as, man. She was keen-on-growth-hormones keen, man!’
The image from my computer screen flashed into my head. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah, really. So it’s totally sweet, man,’ Razz said, then added as an afterthought, ‘just as long as Uncle Henry doesn’t find out about you of course.’
‘What? Why not? What’s wrong with me?’
Razz laughed and slapped my back.
‘Geez, Ishmael, how much time have we got? No, seriously, man, Uncle Henry’d go mental if he found out you were fooling around with his daughter.’
‘What? I’m not fooling around with his daughter!’
‘Not yet.’
As he said that, Razz made his eyebrows jump up and down like little pistons while I imagined myself ripping them off and inserting them up his nose.
‘Besides,’ he said when he had finished with the eyebrow pumping, ‘for Uncle Henry just “looking” is fooling around. He’s a teensy-weensy bit over-protective.’
‘What? You didn’t tell me that. What about all that stuff about the win, win, win, win, win, win situation? One of those winners was supposed to be Uncle Henry. You said everyone would be “stoked” if Cindy and I hooked up.’
‘Did I?’ Razz said as a wave of astonishment broke briefly over his face before vanishing without a trace. ‘Yeah, well, that might have been a slight exaggeration. You know, like one of those persuasive argument techniques Miss Tarango taught us about last year.’
‘Slight exaggeration? So when you said Uncle Henry would be “stoked”, you actually meant he’d be completely off his brain, did you?’
‘I wouldn’t say that exactly.’
‘How about “enraged to the point of criminal homicide”?’
That was Prindabel’s suggestion. Scobie nodded his approval. Bill snorted again. Razza shook his head at them then turned back to me.
‘Look, it doesn’t matter, anyway. I’ve got it all covered. When I introduce you, Sal’s gonna pretend to be your girlfriend. What Uncle Henry doesn’t know won’t hurt him – or you, hopefully.’
‘Razz, this is getting a bit crazy. I think we better forget the whole thing.’
‘What? We can’t! I’ve already told Cindy. What do you want me to do now? Tell her she’s been dumped? I can’t do that. You know what chicks are like. They’re fragile, man. They’re not like us guys. You want to break Cindy’s heart and like totally destroy her self-image? You want that on your conscience?’
‘Course not, but I don’t think …’
‘Great, then it’s set for take-off. You and Cindy at the Arts Fair. Let’s-get-ready-to-ruuuuummmble!’
Right on cue the warning bell for the end of lunch blared out like the start of the next round.
‘Gotta go,’ Razz said, already turning and heading for the door. ‘Just remembered, I think I might have had a homework detention from Mr Rameesh or something.’
Before anyone could reply, Razz was charging like a maniac through the library, neatly sidestepping and weaving his way through the mass of boys already stampeding their way out. It was only when he attempted to beat them all by taking a short cut to exit via the entrance that disaster struck. Apparently those little gates at the entrance and exit are made to swing only one way. As we watched, Razz hit the arm of the gate, somersaulted forward, completed a full body rotation in mid-air and thudded back first on to the carpet. An appreciative mob of boys at the exit laughed, cheered and applauded wildly while the head librarian, Mr Fitler, glared at Razz like a deranged killer who’d just discovered someone tampering with his private axe collection.
Inside our discussion room Scobie pushed back his chair with a long screech and stood up.
‘Right then,’ he said, collecting the various sheets of paper he had spread out before him and shuffling them back into a folder. ‘Thank you one and all for your attendance here today. It’s been a very fruitful and informative discussion. Maybe next planning meeting we might even consider breaking with tradition a little and actually do some planning.’
Then he twisted his mouth to one side of his face and left it there as he strolled from the discussion room. Bill followed him out.
That just left Ignatius and me. Outside, Mr Fitler was standing in front of Razz waving his hands about. His face was bright pink. Razz had dragged himself off the floor and was attempting to straighten out the bent gate. He was doing pretty well until a part of it broke off in his hands and the rest collapsed on to the floor. Mr Fitler’s face turned from bright pink to a worrying shade of volcanic eruption-red. Prindabel’s voice floated in from behind me.
‘She’s his cousin.’
‘Well, third cousin,’ I corrected without turning round.
‘What? But didn’t he say …’
I held up a hand. ‘Just joking,’ I informed him.
But for some reason I didn’t really feel too much like laughing.
8.
KISS ME, STUPID!
The Sunday of the big Arts Fair rolled around pretty quickly. It ran from two to six, finishing up with the official opening ceremony for the new extensions. Razz and I spent the first hour in the Creative Arts Centre acting as guides. We’d arranged to meet Sally and the Sextons after that.
I still wasn’t sure about the whole Cindy thing, but I decided that maybe it was time I stopped moaning and moping about Kelly not being around and just got on with my life. After all, I couldn’t change anything and who knew, perhaps a little bit of Cindy Sexton was just what I needed.
I had no idea how those words would come back to haunt me.
As soon as our guide duty shift was over, Razz and I grabbed a cold drink from one of the stalls and waited for Sally to turn up. It didn’t take long.
‘Hey, guys, looking sharp. James Bond, watch out.’
As guides we had to wear our full Senior uniform with our navy jackets. I guess we looked all right. We were no match for Sally Nofke though. She was wearing jeans with a strappy yellow top and her long, dark hair was braided and pulled back. She gave Razz a quick hug and then me. Some things end too soon. After talking for a bit, we headed off to the front of the main admin building where we were meeting Cindy and her family. They were waiting when we arrived. Razz did the intros.
There was a lot of smiling and hello-ing from everyone. Except for Uncle Henry, who barely managed a nod. While Razz was talking away at a million miles an hour, I took the chance to get my first serious up-close look at Cindy Sexton. She was even better in the flesh than she was on my computer screen. Her black hair curled around her face framing her big, brown eyes and she had the kind of lips that looked like they were built to be kissed.
I might have been looking a little too closely at those lips, because I suddenly realised Uncle Henry was staring at me. Uncle Henry was kind of tall and big. His head was shaved. He was wearing a dark suit. He would have made a good undertaker, and the way he was staring at me I think he might have been very keen to be my undertaker.
Sally must have thought so too, because she moved in closer beside me. Her arm pushed against my arm and she slid her hand in mine. It was warm and it fitted perfectly. She smiled at Uncle Henry and rested her head on my shoulder. It worked. Uncle Henry stopped measuring me up for a casket and let Auntie Carla know with just a lift of an eyebrow and a flick of his head that it was time to go. As Cindy waved goodbye to her parents and brother and promised ‘to be good’, I felt Sally’s hand slip from my fingers. Yep, some things definitely ended too soon.
Then Cindy swung round and her face exploded into a smile.
‘Oh, my gawwwwwd! Free at last! I thought they’d never leave,’ she said as she fiddled with her dress and belt until like magic her skirt was so short it was barely doing its job. ‘And look at youse two couple of hotties,’ she squealed at Razz and me, placing a hand full of bright red fingernails on each of our chests. ‘Oh, my gawd, suits! Never seen you looking so sexy before, Razta. And yoooou,’ she said, hitting me full force with those big brown eyes, a dazzling array of teeth and her kiss-me-now lips, ‘Dishy Ishy, that’s what I’m gonna call you. Oh, my gawd. What do you reckon, Sal?’
Sally laughed and opened her mouth to speak but she was too slow.
‘Ooooo, I just adore your braids. They are so sweeeeeeet. I can’t do anything with my hair. It just goes mad. And your skin is amaaaazing! What do you use? Something expensive? No chocolate for you, I bet. I break out if I just look at chocolate. Prob’ly because if I look, I eat. Big time! I am such a guts! And oh, my gawd, where did you get that top from? It’s adorable. Perfect for you. Wouldn’t suit me but. No way. Boobs way too big. Not that I’m complaining. Or anyone else, eh!’ she said, digging a finger into my ribs and winking.
I smiled stupidly and tried desperately to keep my eyes directed above the level of her chest. I failed. Cindy caught me. She wagged her finger in my face and started to sing, ‘Ishy’s a bad, bad boy.’ I think my ears were flashing red but I was saved by her phone ringing. Cindy fished into her bag and pulled out a sparkling mobile.
‘Rach! Hi! Yeah, yeah, I’m there now. True! Yeah, yeah, he’s right here. He is! Right in front of me. I am serious. It’s truuuuue! Wait, wait, wait I’ll show you.’ Cindy pointed her mobile at me and clicked. She checked the screen, stabbed a few buttons and put the phone back to her ear and squealed. ‘Rach, you idiot! Get out! You’re awful! No! No way! No! Well, maybe.’ She squealed again, only louder. ‘Gotta go. See ya, babe. Yeah, I will. Yeah, yeah, I will. I WILL! Later, gorgeous.’
Cindy’s finger flew around her phone some more. ‘There. Just posted you on my Facebook page. Hope you don’t mind,’ she said, clicking the phone shut and pushing it back in her bag. Then she grabbed my arm and held on to it like we were about to jump out of a plane together.
‘Right, what are we waiting for? What’s first? I think it should be either the Turbo Twister or the dodgem cars? What do you all reckon? But we gotta go on everything and I mean everything – even the merry-go-round, you guys. Right, Sal? Come on, let’s do the Turbo first. And you’d better hold on tight and protect me, Ishy, because I’ll be totally packing it. Oh, and I better warn you, I might scream a bit. Come on, you guys. Let’s go! Wooohooo!’
Dragged along by Cindy we all set off in the direction of the swirling arms of the Turbo.
‘So tell me about yourself, Ishy. Do you like music? What’s your favourite band or singer? I luuuurve music! I’d just die without my Ipod. Oh, my gawd. I’m always singing. Aren’t I, Razta? Do you read? Are you into the Vampire School series? I’m a big fan. Massive! Oh, my gawd. You wouldn’t believe it. You should see my bedroom. Bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you, you cheeky devil!’
Another fingernail attack speared into my ribs.
‘Anyway, I reckon the books are pretty good, ‘specially the first one, Love Sucks, but the films are way better, because in the films you get to see Tyson Woods with his shirt off but in the books it’s just like all these words and stuff. What a bod eh, Sal! Such a hunk! He is so cut! Wouldn’t mind him changing into a wild animal with me! Are you into sport, Ishy? I’m not much but I dance heaps. That’s how I keep fit. What about you, Sal? How’d you get such a great bod? I bet you’re some kind of a super-athlete or something. Or have you and Razz maybe been “working out” a bit together, eh? Oh, my gawd! Come on, you guys. Turbo time!’
One thing about Cindy Sexton was, she was really easy to talk to. Mainly because you didn’t have to say anything. Being with her was like being on the Turbo – permanently. It was kind of fun and terrifying at the same time but after a while it made your head spin.
In the end we did go on every ride and Cindy wasn’t kidding about her screaming. I finished up with ringing in my ears and fingernail puncture marks in my arm that looked like a row of little smiles.
It had just started to get dark when it was time to head back for the opening ceremony. All Seniors were expected to attend. We were almost there and just about to pass the lane way between the old school block and the new extensions when Razz and Sally suddenly veered into it.
‘Razz, where are you guys going?’
‘Umm, just thought the girls might like a quick tour around the extensions before we go in.’
‘But it’s starting already. Anyway, you won’t see anything down there. That just leads around to the back.’
‘Ooooo, sounds fascinating,’ Cindy purred.
Razz and Sally shared a smile and disappeared in the shadows. Cindy pulled me after them. A little way in she stopped and yanked me to the side.
‘This is soooooo interesting. What’s that?’ she said, pointing at a downpipe.
‘It’s a downpipe. You know, for water.’
‘A-maaaaaazing,’ she said. ‘Why is it called that?’
‘Ah, I guess because it’s a pipe and water comes down it.’
‘Wow! You are soooo smart,’ she said as she placed her hands on my chest and pushed me back until I felt the cool of the brick wall behind me. Then she moved slowly forward and her body began to press against mine. Her chest was the first part of her to arrive – by a clear margin. Big brown eyes looked up at me. Cindy had a strange smile on her face. Her lips opened slightly and I could see a row of her perfect whiter-than-white-toothpaste-commercial teeth.
As Cindy Sexton’s face moved closer, images of Kelly Faulkner flashed through my mind. I remembered our kiss – the soft touch of Kelly’s lips and the electric shock that shot through my body as they melted gently into mine. Now I was staring at other lips. They were big and red. And they seemed to be screaming out, ‘Kiss me, stupid!’ It sounded like an excellent idea. I aimed my own puny lips at Cindy’s supersized ones and hoped for the best.
I just wasn’t quite prepared for what happened next.
9.
A TURBO-CHARGED COBRA
Cindy’s lips met my lips. They squished together. Something detonated in my chest and shock waves zinged throughout my body. Some parts were zinging more than others.
Cindy moaned and wrapped her mouth around mine. She tasted like strawberries. The outside world was melting away and so was most of me. I was just a mouth and a pair of lips. That’s all that mattered. Cindy opened hers wider and pushed in harder. Suddenly I found myself with a mouth full of tongue and the vast majority of it didn’t belong to me!
For a second, having Cindy Sexton’s tongue take up residence in my mouth felt like a very good thing indeed. But that was before it went berserk and began thrashing around like a turbo-charged cobra, slithering and slipping everywhere and poking and prodding every gap and cavity in my teeth. Not even my dentist was this thorough!
I desperately tried to subdue Cindy’s manic tongue by counter-attacking with my own. But it was hopeless. I was fighting way out of my league. Hers was bigger, stronger, faster and obviously match-fit. It was an Olympic Champion tongue! Mine was easily and quickly out-manoeuvred, body-slammed and counted out. Cindy moaned again and pushed her mouth harder against mine. The killer tongue slid in even further. It had my tonsils in its sights!
I pulled away. Cindy and I slurped apart. I gulped in some air. I made a mental note to remember to breathe through my nose. Cindy licked her lips. They seemed to have doubled in size. Maybe she had them fitted with a special pump mechanism like in those joggers. OK, now I was being ridiculous. I needed to calm myself down and prepare for Round Two. I looked at Cindy. Was that a mad glint in her eye or just a reflection from the moon? There was no time to decide. She began zeroing in again. I took a deep breath as we edged closer together. I kept thinking, If I c
ould just get her to calm down a bit and take it a little slower, then this could be really, really goo –
AAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!
Turbo-tongue was back with a vengeance! I could have sworn a giant salamander was throwing a fit in my mouth. I pulled back again and we slurped apart once more. Cindy frowned a little but she was soon moving in for another assault. I tried to keep it together. I tried to be cool and hold my nerve but when her teeth parted and I saw that psycho tongue poised to strike like a big pink moray eel I couldn’t help it – I flinched and at the last moment I turned my mouth away.
AAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!
Cindy had latched on to my neck and was sucking like a leech on steroids! A riot of shivers torpedoed down my arms and legs. It was worse than being held down and tickled. I was on the verge of hysteria. I told myself to calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, while I struggled frantically to keep my hyperventilation under control so I could assess the situation.
My neck felt hot and wet. My pulse was throbbing. Cindy was still clinging on like a sucker fish. I could feel her tongue tickling my skin. She’d gone right for the jugular. That’s one of the four big veins in the neck, you know. We learnt all about it in Science with Mr Kalkhovnic. It supplies blood to the brain. Hey, wait a minute. What if all that sucking was stopping my circulation? What if my brain was being starved of blood? Little spots began to blink and float in front of my eyes like tiny silent fireworks.
I was feeling light-headed. Maybe Cindy was crazy? What did I really know about her, anyway? Maybe she’d seen too many Vampire School movies. Maybe she was a vampire. Oh my god, and it was a full moon tonight! Of course! Didn’t vampires come out when there was a full moon? Or was that just werewolves and goths? Wait a minute, did I just feel teeth on my neck? Was my pulse getting weaker? Was she drinking my blood right now? Wait, nobody said it was my shout! I pulled my neck away. SHWWWUUCK! She was off.
Cindy giggled. I had a quick check. Thank goodness for that – no blood dripping from her fangs. All right, I guess I might have been getting a little hysterical there. Probably a result of lack of blood to the brain. Or possibly lack of brain. I tried to smile but Cindy was coming for me again. My god, she was a female Terminator. She was the Terminatrix! Or possibly the Tongue-inator! Whatever she was, you couldn’t stop her. Her mouth began to open. Wait, were her teeth always that pointy? She was jugular-bound again. I felt her hot breath on my wet skin and I panicked. I scrunched my shoulder up and tilted my head down in a last ditch attempt to save my neck.
Ishmael and the Hoops of Steel Page 4
