RAINA [haughtily] What do you mean ?
SERGIUS. You love that man!
RAINA [scandalized] Sergius!
SERGIUS. You allow him to make love to you behind my back, just as you treat me as your affianced husband behind his. Bluntschli: you knew our relations; and you deceived me. It is for that that I call you to account, not for having received favors I never enjoyed.
BLUNTSCHLI [jumping up indignantly] Stuff! Rubbish! I have received no favors. Why, the young lady doesnt even know whether I’m married or not.
RAINA [forgetting herself] Oh! [Collapsing on the ottoman] Are you ?
SERGIUS. You see the young lady’s concern, Captain Bluntschli. Denial is useless. You have enjoyed the privilege of being received in her own room, late at night –
BLUNTSCHLI [interrupting him pepperily] Yes, you blockhead! she received me with a pistol at her head. Your cavalry were at my heels. I’d have blown out her brains if she’d uttered a cry.
SERGIUS [taken aback] Bluntschli! Raina: is this true ?
RAINA [rising in wrathful majesty] Oh, how dare you, how dare you ?
BLUNTSCHLI. Apologize, man: apologize. [He resumes his seat at the table].
SERGIUS [with the old measured emphasis, folding his arms] I never apologize!
RAINA [passionately] This is the doing of that friend of yours, Captain Bluntschli. It is he who is spreading this horrible story about me. [She walks about excitedly].
BLUNTSCHLI. No: he’s dead. Burnt alive.
RAINA [stopping, shocked] Burnt alive!
BLUNTSCHLI. Shot in the hip in a woodyard. Couldnt drag himself out. Your fellows’ shells set the timber on fire and burnt him, with half a dozen other poor devils in the same predicament.
RAINA. How horrible!
SERGIUS. And how ridiculous! Oh, war! war! the dream of patriots and heroes! A fraud, Bluntschli. A hollow sham, like love.
RAINA [outraged] Like love! You say that before me!
BLUNTSCHLI. Come, Saranoff: that matter is explained.
SERGIUS. A hollow sham, I say. Would you have come back here if nothing had passed between you except at the muzzle of your pistol ? Raina is mistaken about your friend who was burnt. He was not my informant.
RAINA. Who then ? [Suddenly guessing the truth] Ah, Louka! my maid! my servant! You were with her this morning all that time after – after – Oh, what sort of god is this I have been worshipping! [He meets her gaze with sardonic enjoyment of her disenchantment. Angered all the more, she goes closer to him, and says, in a lower, intenser tone] Do you know that I looked out of the window as I went upstairs, to have another sight of my hero; and I saw something I did not understand then. I know now that you were making love to her.
SERGIUS [with grim humor] You saw that ?
RAINA. Only too well. [She turns away, and throws herself on the divan under the centre window, quite overcome].
SERGIUS [cynically] Raina: our romance is shattered. Life’s a farce.
BLUNTSCHLI [to Raina, whimsically] You see: he’s found himself out now.
SERGIUS [going to him] Bluntschli: I have allowed you to call me a blockhead. You may now call me a coward as well. I refuse to fight you. Do you know why ?
BLUNTSCHLI. No; but it doesnt matter. I didnt ask the reason when you cried on; and I dont ask the reason now that you cry off. I’m a professional soldier: I fight when I have to, and am very glad to get out of it when I havnt to. Youre only an amateur: you think fighting’s an amusement.
SERGIUS [sitting down at the table, nose to nose with him] You shall hear the reason all the same, my professional. The reason is that it takes two men – real men – men of heart, blood and honor – to make a genuine combat. I could no more fight with you than I could make love to an ugly woman. Youve no magnetism: youre not a man: youre a machine.
BLUNTSCHLI [apologetically] Quite true, quite true. I always was that sort of chap. I’m very sorry.
SERGIUS. Psha!
BLUNTSCHLI. But now that youve found that life isnt a farce, but something quite sensible and serious, what further obstacle is there to your happiness ?
RAINA [rising] You are very solicitous about my happiness and his. Do you forget his new love – Louka ? It is not you that he must fight now, but his rival, Nicola.
SERGIUS. Rival!! [bounding half across the room].
RAINA. Dont you know that theyre engaged ?
SERGIUS. Nicola! Are fresh abysses opening ? Nicola!!
RAINA [sarcastically] A shocking sacrifice, isnt it ? Such beauty! such intellect! such modesty! wasted on a middle-aged servant man. Really, Sergius, you cannot stand by and allow such a thing. It would be unworthy of your chivalry.
SERGIUS [losing all self-control] Viper! Viper! [He rushes to and fro, raging].
BLUNTSCHLI. Look here, Saranoff: youre getting the worst of this.
RAINA [getting angrier] Do you realize what he has done, Captain Bluntschli ? He has set this girl as a spy on us; and her reward is that he makes love to her.
SERGIUS. False! Monstrous!
RAINA. Monstrous! [Confronting him] Do you deny that she told you about Captain Bluntschli being in my room ?
SERGIUS. No; but –
RAINA [interrupting] Do you deny that you were making love to her when she told you ?
SERGIUS. No; but I tell you –
RAINA [cutting him short contemptuously] It is unnecessary to tell us anything more. That is quite enough for us. [She turns away from him and sweeps majestically back to the window].
BLUNTSCHLI [quietly, as Sergius, in an agony of mortification, sinks on the ottoman, clutching his averted head between his fists’] I told you you were getting the worst of it, Saranoff.
SERGIUS. Tiger cat!
RAINA [running excitedly to Bluntschli] You hear this man calling me names, Captain Bluntschli ?
BLUNTSCHLI. What else can he do, dear lady ? He must defend himself somehow. Come [very persuasively] : dont quarrel. What good does it do ?
Raina, with a gasp, sits down on the ottoman, and after a vain effort to look vexedly at Bluntschli, falls a victim to her sense of humor, and actually leans back babyishly against the writhing shoulder of Sergius.
SERGIUS. Engaged to Nicola! Ha! ha! Ah well, Bluntschli, you are right to take this huge imposture of a world coolly.
RAINA [quaintly to Bluntschli, with an intuitive guess at his state of mind] I daresay you think us a couple of grown-up babies, dont you ?
SERGIUS [grinning savagely] He does: he does. Swiss civilization nursetending Bulgarian barbarism, eh ?
BLUNTSCHLI [blushing] Not at all, I assure you. I’m only very glad to get you two quieted. There! there! let’s be pleasant and talk it over in a friendly way. Where is this other young lady ?
RAINA. Listening at the door, probably.
SERGIUS [shivering as if a bullet had struck him, and speaking with quiet but deep indignation] I will prove that that, at least, is a calumny. [He goes with dignity to the door and opens it. A yell of fury bursts from him as he looks out. He darts into the passage, and returns dragging in Louka, whom he flings violently against the table, exclaiming] Judge her, Bluntschli. You, the cool impartial man: judge the eavesdropper.
Louka stands her ground, proud and silent.
BLUNTSCHLI [shaking his head] I mustnt judge her. I once listened myself outside a tent when there was a mutiny brewing. It’s all a question of the degree of provocation. My life was at stake.
LOUKA. My love was at stake. I am not ashamed.
RAINA [contemptuously] Your love! Your curiosity, you mean.
LOUKA [facing her and retorting her contempt with interest] My love, stronger than anything you can feel, even for your chocolate cream soldier.
SERGIUS [with quick suspicion, to Louka] What does that mean ?
LOUKA [fiercely] It means –
SERGIUS [interrupting her slightingly] Oh, I remember: the ice pudding. A paltry taunt, girl!
Major Petkoff enters, in his shirtslee
ves.
PETKOFF. Excuse my shirtsleeves, gentlemen. Raina: somebody has been wearing that coat of mine: I’ll swear it. Somebody with a differently shaped back. It’s all burst open at the sleeve. Your mother is mending it. I wish she’d make haste: I shall catch cold. [He looks more attentively at them]. Is anything the matter ?
RAINA. No. [She sits down at the stove, with a tranquil air].
SERGIUS. Oh no. [He sits down at the end of the table, as at first].
BLUNTSCHLI [who is already seated] Nothing. Nothing.
PETKOFF [sitting down on the ottoman in his old place] Thats all right. [He notices Louka]. Anything the matter, Louka ?
LOUKA. No, sir.
PETKOFF [genially] Thats all right. [He sneezes] Go and ask your mistress for my coat, like a good girl, will you ?
Nicola enters with the coat. Louka makes a pretence of having business in the room by taking the little table with the hookah away to the wall near the windows.
RAINA [rising quickly as she sees the coat on Nicola’s arm] Here it is, papa. Give it to me, Nicola; and do you put some more wood on the fire. [She takes the coat, and brings it to the Major, who stands up to put it on. Nicola attends to the fire].
PETKOFF [to Raina, teasing her affectionately] Aha! Going to be very good to poor old papa just for one day after his return from the wars, eh ?
RAINA [with solemn reproach] Ah, how can you say that to me, father ?
PETKOFF. Well, well, only a joke, little one. Come: give me a kiss. [She kisses him]. Now give me the coat.
RAINA. No: I am going to put it on for you. Turn your back. [He turns his back and feels behind him with his arms for the sleeves. She dexterously takes the photograph from the pocket and throws it on the table before Bluntschli, who covers it with a sheet of paper under the very nose of Sergius, who looks on amazed, with his suspicions roused in the highest degree. She then helps Petkoff on with his coat]. There, dear! Now are you comfortable ?
PETKOFF. Quite, little love. Thanks. [He sits down, and Raina returns to her seat near the stove]. Oh, by the bye, Ive found something funny. Whats the meaning of this ? [He puts his hand into the picked pocket]. Eh ? Hallo! [He tries the other pocket]. Well, I could have sworn –! [Much puzzled, he tries the breast pocket]. I wonder – [trying the original pocket]. Where can it – ? [He rises, exclaiming] Your mother’s taken it!
RAINA [very red] Taken what ?
PETKOFF. Your photograph, with the inscription: ‘Raina, to her Chocolate Cream Soldier: a Souvenir. ‘Now you know theres something more in this than meets the eye; and I’m going to find it out. [Shouting] Nicola!
NICOLA [coming to him] Sir!
PETKOFF. Did you spoil any pastry of Miss Raina’s this morning ?
NICOLA. You heard Miss Raina say that I did, sir.
PETKOFF. I know that, you idiot. Was it true ?
NICOLA. I am sure Miss Raina is incapable of saying anything that is not true, sir.
PETKOFF. Are you ? Then I’m not. [Turning to the others] Come: do you think I dont see it all ? [He goes to Sergius, and slaps him on the shoulder], Sergius: youre the chocolate cream soldier, arnt you ?
SERGIUS [starting up] I! A chocolate cream soldier! Certainly not.
PETKOFF. Not! [He looks at them. They are all very serious and very conscious]. Do you mean to tell me that Raina sends things like that to other men ?
SERGIUS [enigmatically] The world is not such an innocent place as we used to think, Petkoff.
BLUNTSCHLI [rising] It’s all right, Major. I’m the chocolate cream soldier. [Petkoff and Sergius are equally astonished]. The gracious young lady saved my life by giving me chocolate creams when I was starving: shall I ever forget their flavor! My late friend Stolz told you the story at Pirot. I was the fugitive.
PETKOFF. You! [He gasps]. Sergius: do you remember how those two women went on this morning when we mentioned it ? [Sergius smiles cynically. Petkoff confronts Raina severely]. Youre a nice young woman, arnt you ?
RAINA [bitterly] Major Saranoff has changed his mind. And when I wrote that on the photograph, I did not know that Captain Bluntschli was married.
BLUNTSCHLI [startled into vehement protest] I’m not married.
RAINA [with deep reproach] You said you were.
BLUNTSCHLI. I did not. I positively did not. I never was married in my life.
PETKOFF [exasperated] Raina: will you kindly inform me, if I am not asking too much, which of these gentlemen you are engaged to ?
RAINA. TO neither of them. This young lady [introducing Louka, who faces them all proudly] is the object of Major Saranoff’s affections at present.
PETKOFF. Louka! Are you mad, Sergius ? Why, this girl’s engaged to Nicola.
NICOLA. I beg your pardon, sir. There is a mistake. Louka is not engaged to me.
PETKOFF. Not engaged to you, you scoundrel! Why, you had twenty-five levas from me on the day of your betrothal; and she had that gilt bracelet from Miss Raina.
NICOLA [with cool unction] We gave it out so, sir. But it was only to give Louka protection. She had a soul above her station; and I have been no more than her confidential servant. I intend, as you know, sir, to set up a shop later on in Sofia; and I look forward to her custom and recommendation should she marry into the nobility. [He goes out with impressive discretion, leaving them all staring after him].
PETKOFF [breaking the silence] Well, I am – hm!
SERGIUS. This is either the finest heroism or the most crawling baseness. Which is it, Bluntschli ?
BLUNTSCHLI. Never mind whether it’s heroism or baseness. Nicola’s the ablest man Ive met in Bulgaria. I’ll make him manager of a hotel if he can speak French and German
LOUKA [suddenly breaking out at Sergius] I have been insulted by everyone here. You set them the example. You owe me an apology.
Sergius, like a repeating clock of which the spring has beentouched, immediately begins to fold his arms.
BLUNTSCHLI [before he can speak] It’s no use. He never apologizes.
LOUKA. Not to you, his equal and his enemy. To me, his poor servant, he will not refuse to apologize.
SERGIUS [approvingly] You are right. [He bends his knee in his grandest manner] Forgive me.
LOUKA. I forgive you. [She timidly gives him her hand, which he kisses]. That touch makes me your affianced wife.
SERGIUS [springing up] Ah! I forgot that.
LOUKA [coldly] You can withdraw if you like.
SERGIUS. Withdraw! Never! You belong to me. [He puts his arm about her].
Catherine comes in and finds Louka in Sergius’s arms, with all the rest gazing at them in bewildered astonishment.
CATHERINE. What does this mean ?
Sergius releases Louka.
PETKOFF. Well, my dear, it appears that Sergius is going to marry Louka instead of Raina. [She is about to break out indignantly at him: he stops her by exclaiming testily] Dont blame me: Ive nothing to do with it. [He retreats to the stove].
CATHERINE. Marry Louka! Sergius: you are bound by your word to us!
SERGIUS [folding his arms] Nothing binds me.
BLUNTSCHLI [much pleased by this piece of common sense] Saranoff: your hand. My congratulations. These heroics of yours have their practical side after all. [To Louka] Gracious young lady: the best wishes of a good Republican! [He kisses her hand, to Raina’s great disgust, and returns to his seat].
CATHERINE. Louka: you have been telling stories.
LOUKA. I have done Raina no harm.
CATHERINE [haughtily] Raina!
Raina, equally indignant, almost snorts at the liberty.
LOUKA. I have a right to call her Raina: she calls me Louka. I told Major Saranoff she would never marry him if the Swiss gentleman came back.
BLUNTSCHLI [rising, much surprised] Hallo!
LOUKA [turning to Raina] I thought you were fonder of him than of Sergius. You know best whether I was right.
BLUNTSCHLI. What nonsense! I assure you, my dear Major, my dear Madam, the gr
acious young lady simply saved my life, nothing else. She never cared two straws for me. Why, bless my heart and soul, look at the young lady and look at me. She, rich, young, beautiful, with her imagination full of fairy princes and noble natures and cavalry charges and goodness knows what! And I, a commonplace Swiss soldier who hardly knows what a decent life is after fifteen years of barracks and battles: a vagabond, a man who has spoiled all his chances in life through an incurably romantic disposition, a man –
SERGIUS [starting as if a needle had pricked him and interrupting Bluntschli in incredulous amazement] Excuse me, Bluntschli: what did you say had spoiled your chances in life ?
BLUNTSCHLI [promptly] An incurably romantic disposition. I ran away from home twice when I was a boy. I went into the army instead of into my father’s business. I climbed the balcony of this house when a man of sense would have dived into the nearest cellar. I came sneaking back here to have another look at the young lady when any other man of my age would have sent the coat back –
PETKOFF. My coat!
BLUNTSCHLI. – yes: thats the coat I mean – would have sent it back and gone quietly home. Do you suppose I am the sort of fellow a young girl falls in love with ? Why, look at our ages! I’m thirty-four: I dont suppose the young lady is much over seventeen. [This estimate produces a marked sensation, all the rest turning and staring at one another. He proceeds innocently] All that adventure which was life or death to me, was only a schoolgirl’s game to her – chocolate creams and hide and seek. Heres the proof! [He takes the photograph from the table]. Now, I ask you, would a woman who took the affair seriously have sent me this and written on it ‘Raina, to her Chocolate Cream Soldier: a Souvenir’ ? [He exhibits the photograph triumphantly, as if it settled the matter beyond all possibility of refutation].
PETKOFF. Thats what I was looking for. How the deuce did it get there ? [He comes from the stove to look at it, and sits down on the ottoman].
BLUNTSCHLI [to Raina, complacently] I have put everything right, I hope, gracious young lady.
RAINA [going to the table to face him] I quite agree with your account of yourself. You are a romantic idiot. [Bluntschli is unspeakably taken aback]. Next time, I hope you will know the difference between a schoolgirl of seventeen and a woman of twenty-three.
Plays Pleasant Page 10
