by Rue Volley
I still lived in the apartment with Avery, but money was tight. My schooling had ended and I had turned down the job at Ford. My savings were dwindling, so I appreciated the opportunity that Marc had given to me here. My only experience with coffee was drinking it, that didn’t mean that I would be a proficient barista, but I was trying.
I just couldn’t take that job at Ford. It pained me to send the email and decline a job that I had dreamed about landing for years. But, everything would have reminded me of him. The job had turned into a nightmare. Another reminder that I didn’t need. Four years of schooling that I wasn’t quite sure how to utilize yet. It was almost as if someone had hit the pause button on my life. I was stuck in one place, and I knew it.
Spinning my wheels.
I followed Marc to his office. He held his hand out and I stepped in while he shut the door behind me. I sat down, pushing my long black hair behind my ear. My eyes floated over his large desk. It was full of pictures of him hiking the mountains in the west, along with his now-legal husband, Edward. I was happy for him. For both of them, since the marriage equality law went into effect.
They shouldn’t be denied happiness, they love each other more than anything in this world. Ironic that even Marc and Edward could find true love against such adversity while mine lay in ruin.
Marc sat down and leaned back in his chair. It made a creaking sound and filled some of the awkward silence between us. I swallowed hard, nervously fingering at my hand. I wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but I could take an educated guess.
“Abi, I think that you should take a break.”
My tired green eyes stared into his with some relief. It wasn’t that I hated the coffee shop. It just wasn’t my final destination and he knew it. I knew it too, but for weeks it had served to protect me from thinking about things. Holding back the rising tide when the ocean begged to come ashore inside of me, bringing with it the inevitable emotional breakdown.
“My break is at five. I’m okay with waiting until then.”
He placed his finger to his lip and tapped it. “No, not that kind of break.”
“Are you firing me? I wouldn’t blame you at all,” I asked while staring at the white towel.
He shook his head and leaned forward in his chair. It creaked again. He interlocked his fingers, his big silver wedding band captured the light that sat above us. It caught my eye. I stared at its smooth surface. It mesmerized me. Everyone seemed to be happily married. I never noticed how many people had found their mates in New York City until I—I mean, we—well, since Jack and I stopped everything.
Since he stopped everything for us.
I blinked a couple of times when Marc answered me. His tone full of genuine concern. He was a great boss, he really was. I had no complaints.
“No, of course not. But let’s be honest. What the hell are you doing here? You have a degree in marketing and promotion, and you’re working thirty hours a week as a barista. I wish that I could pay you more and I know that the tips are not always that great.”
I interrupted him. “Maybe I enjoy making coffee, maybe it’s my calling.”
He sighed, resting his chin on his hand. He wasn’t convinced and he shouldn’t be.
“And maybe you’re hiding out in plain sight.”
I laughed. “Hiding out in plain sight? What does that even mean?”
He rolled his hand. “Really? Do you need me to elaborate on this?”
I embarked on a desperate plea for him to allow me to wallow. “I—well, I love coffee—that’s a fact. I love this place.”
He shook his head. “I’ve offered you management. You refused. You know that you could manage for me, you’re more than qualified. As soon as I have the budget, I would love to have you work on the marketing side of things for us, I just can’t do it yet. But this, this is just a way for you to hide, and I can’t let it go on any longer. I mean, as much as you burn yourself it’s like you enjoy it.” He stopped speaking, his last words stung a little. He knew about Jack, to a certain degree. I had had a few moments of weakness with him over the past few weeks, and he was such a great listener. I was starting to regret my candor.
I narrowed my eyes, removing the towel and staring down at the small red mark on the top of my hand. It hurt, but not as much as my heart. Nothing could keep up with that pain.
“I don’t think that I could lead anything or anyone, I don’t seem to be able to lead myself.”
He paused, studying my expression. “Abi, he isn’t coming back.” He spoke quietly, but it thundered in my ears.
He lifted the Mirror Gazette and handed it to me. I took the paper from his hand, giving it one quick snap and there he was. My Jack, arm in arm with Rose, leaning into her ear. She had a smug grin on her face. It felt as if she were mocking me, showing off how quickly she had slipped right back into his world like I had never existed at all.
The headline was spelled out in bold words above the picture.
“Prince of the City to Marry Sleeping Beauty? One kiss, one ring—one fairy tale come true.”
I saw a ring on her hand, but I couldn’t see the detailing. There was no interview attached to it, it was just all speculation, or so I told myself. I stared at the name on the article.
Sam Quinn - editor in chief.
I bit my lip and looked at the two of them again.
The picture became animated, and her head turned, Jack leaned in and just before their lips met, Marc spoke to me. I took a short breath because I had forgotten to breathe.
“Abi—I know that you loved him. I do, and I sympathize, but I’m telling you that you need to get away for a while. Clear your head, take care of you. Please. I can’t watch you slowly waste away while ignoring your true potential. It makes me so sad.” He touched his chest.
My lips parted, I wanted to say so many things because I knew that he was right. I felt the tear on my cheek, and it infuriated me. I wiped it away as I stood up and nearly tipped the chair over. The paper fell to the floor.
“I love working here. I do. I hope that you know that. I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me.”
Marc stood up and walked around his desk. He touched my arm. His fingers lifted my chin, making me look at him. He spoke as if he were a father to me, and I appreciated it.
“Take a break. Please. You’re always welcome to come back here, whenever you want to, but I would prefer it to be as a customer and not as my employee. Okay?”
I nodded, and he removed his fingers from my chin.
He smiled. “Let’s call it kicking you out of the nest. You need to fly, little bird.”
I sighed. He was right, I had lingered here too long. I had abandoned my old coffee shop because of the memories. I had retreated from my life. Acted like a coward, and I had taken a job to hide away in plain sight. What was I waiting for? There was nothing here for me anymore.
I needed to leave. Marc was right. My healing would never happen here. The city was feeding on me like a vampire. I invited this misery into my life and let it settle in me. It took up residence in my heart and was eating away at my ambition. No one could end it but me.
I was just having trouble pulling the proverbial trigger.
My voice cracked. “Okay. Thank you, Marc. I appreciate the honesty. I do.” Marc hugged me. I sank into his warm arms. His compassion felt good. His brutal truth woke me up from one long nightmare. It needed to end, and Jack wouldn’t help me do that, only I could.
I had to let him go. I had to let Sam go, too.
I backed away from him and nodded in agreement while handing him the towel. I took off my black apron and laid it over the back of the chair. I tapped it once with my open hand. I paused to eye the paper on the floor one last time. I grinned, releasing my anxiety. I stepped on the picture of Jack and Rose as I left his office. I walked through the coffee shop, glancing at the happy couples sitting at the tables. I watched as the man who had ordered the double espresso laughed. He wiped some crumbs fro
m his pregnant wife’s lips. She reached up and moved his shaggy hair out of his eyes.
I turned and let them all go. I needed to. That wasn’t my life. It never would be.
I reached the door and held onto the handle, delaying the inevitable. I took one last look behind me. The coffee shop was packed, conversations hummed. Life went on, I needed to go on.
It would begin and end with me.
I stood in front of the pawn shop and tapped my foot on the grey sidewalk below me. I bit my lip with hesitation. I finally grabbed the door handle and walked inside. If I thought about it too long, then I would leave, and nothing would change. I would go to bed lonely again that night, dream about Jack and wake up devastated in my bed. Cold sweats and nausea to drive it home.
The destructive cycle had to end.
Avery had also tried to help me, but her new job and my stubborn nature didn’t make things any easier. I had pushed her away from me. I had done the same with Sam. I guess that I preferred to suffer alone. Why should I spread my misery to those around me?
I had spent my free time writing in the Jack file on my laptop. Missing him, trying to capture those moments of passion that we experienced together, but no words did it justice. Not as they should. My writing failed me, as did my heart.
I stepped in just as a man walked by me in a rush. He bumped into my shoulder, and I eyed him. He muttered a quick apology to me and went on, clutching something against his chest. I wasn’t sure if he had been rejected or if he had retrieved an item from the shop. He looked upset either way. I couldn’t dwell on it too long. I had my own agenda. I needed to keep going and ensure that I was able to move forward, as Marc had suggested.
The man behind the counter watched the disgruntled gentleman leave the store. I turned and looked at the man, he didn’t appear to be angry, but I didn’t know what to expect. I had never pawned anything before. There had never been a need to. Money had always been tight, but I had always managed to get by one way or another without having to sell anything that I owned.
I approached the counter and looked him in the eye, he smiled. It relaxed me. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small box. I set it down on the counter between us and pushed it forward. I let my fingers linger on its smooth surface for a few seconds longer than they needed to. I finally let it go.
He looked down and toyed with it, picking it up and twisting it in his hand. His pale blue eyes inspected it with such curiosity. The color of his eyes complimented his pasty white skin. His light blonde hair was slicked back, and he reeked of cigarette smoke and body odor. The stains on his teeth confirmed the exact reason why. I touched my nose with the back of my hand and tried to avoid his uncomfortable stench, but it permeated the entire store.
His eyes floated over me. “Sell or pawn?” he asked, tossing in a small grin.
I hesitated, my eyes remained locked on the box. “I want to sell it. I don’t need it.”
He popped it open, and his expression was one of elation. “Oh hell, girl,” he said as he grabbed a small glass piece and placed it to his eye. He leaned in and inspected the ring and then looked up at me.
“This is an incredible piece of work here.”
I nodded to him. “I—it was a gift.”
“Mmm—boyfriend, ex—maybe?”
I narrowed my eyes and then looked around the shop. It was filled with abandoned items.
I turned back to look at him. The muscles in my jaw tightened as I spoke. I tapped my scarred finger on the glass case that sat between us. “I just don’t want it—are you buying things like this?”
He paused, looking at the ring. I half-expected to hear the words my precious escape from his chapped lips. He twisted it between his index finger and his thumb. I couldn’t help but notice that his fingernails were laced with dirt. I rubbed my neck and tried to ignore his lack of personal hygiene. He made a clicking sound with his tongue. It was annoying. I was so tempted to snatch the ring back from him and run away, but the fact remained that I needed the cash. That was the whole point of coming in here to begin with.
“I’ve never had anything this nice in here before,” he winked at me, giving me a once-over with his devious eyes. His double meaning was so obvious. He wasn’t exactly the master of subtlety.
“Listen, I just need some money. I left my job, I’m taking a break—from everything.” I didn’t feel as if I needed to elaborate on the situation. He didn’t need to know that I wanted to leave the city.
He nodded to me as if he understood. He set the box down on the counter. He leaned toward me. His elbow rested on the glass. I almost stepped back, but I held my ground.
“I could be a dick and take this from you for way less than its worth, but damn if I’m not a sucker for beautiful girls.”
I swallowed hard. I hoped that a proposition wasn’t going to follow.
“So will you buy it? I just need the money.”
He paused and then tapped the top of the box.
“Damn you, woman. No—no I won’t, but I know who will.”
I shook my head. “I just want to sell it. I’m not looking to make a fortune on this.”
He grinned. “Just listen to me, take this three blocks down to Ming’s Dynasty. It’s a jewelry shop that purchases rare gems. Trust me, you will get twice what I could offer you for it.”
I picked the box up and tilted my head. I gripped it tightly in my hand.
“Why are you doing this?”
He grinned, his yellowing teeth made me cringe. “What are you doing Friday night?”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh my God. No. I’m sorry—that isn’t going to happen.”
I started to walk out. He called out behind me, tapping on the glass counter. “Girl—come on! I did you a solid.”
I turned back and grinned at him. “Thank you, I appreciate it. It was good of you to be honest with me.”
“Yeah? I’m good at a lot of things,” he held his hand up to his lips, split his fingers and flicked his tongue.
I laughed. “I’m sure that you are.” I rolled my eyes and left him behind.
I sat at the kitchen island and tapped the white envelope full of cash on the counter top. The man at the pawn shop was right. Ming’s was the place to go. I would be able to spend some time doing exactly what Marc had suggested with the money they had given me for it. I needed to leave this city, this life, all of these memories behind.
I pulled some money out of the envelope and set it down. I wrote a small note to Avery and placed it on top of the cash. It would cover my rent for at least the summer. I knew that she didn’t need it, but I’m not one to filch on my responsibilities. I lived here. I paid my own way. It made me feel good to be able to pay off my rent for the rest of the season even though it meant that my last physical memory of Jack was now gone.
My fingertip hummed, and I rubbed the fading scar with my thumb. Even it would be gone someday, and maybe then, so would the last traces of Jack Landon.
I could only hope to be so lucky.
I walked into my bedroom and grabbed my tattered old suitcase out of my closet. It was the one that I had used when I left for college. I guess that I held onto it for sentimental reasons.
It still had an old Duran Duran sticker on the front of it and a Psychedelic Furs sticker on the side. I touched the stickers with an open hand and then opened it up and let it lay on my bed. I started to shove whatever I could into it. I didn’t want to linger. I was afraid that lingering would give way to thinking. Then thinking would give way to changing my mind.
I sat on top of the suitcase and forced it closed. Pressing both metal clasps down while I groaned. They finally clicked into place and the suitcase was ready to go.
I stood up, trying to stay on task. I lifted my head and caught a glimpse of the buildings outside my window. I approached it, placing my fingers on the glass and staring out at a city that I had grown to love.
I took a deep breath and pushed my love aside.
Then I ra
n.
I ran as far away as I possibly could.
Toward home.
CHAPTER ONE
ON THE MEND
___________________________________
I stood at the bus stop with my few possessions in hand. Four years of college and this is what I had to show for it. A suitcase packed with old concert t-shirts, jeans, sweatpants, and my favorite UGGS.
I didn’t even bother to call ahead. I knew that my mom would allow me to come home. She would never deny me. I pulled my earbuds out and the music stopped droning in my ears. To be honest, I didn’t even pay attention to anything that had been playing for the last hour or so. It just served as background noise while I checked out the familiar sights.
I watched the bus roll off, fully exposing me to the town. I felt so naked and vulnerable. I never imagined that I would return here feeling so defeated.
I beat back the feelings of despair and held on tight to the shiny black handle of my suitcase. My fingers started to turn white and I had to relax them. The tension rose inside of me with each passing moment. I took a deep breath and let it out, trying to release some of the anxiety along with it. I focused in on the town and let it distract me, just as my job had done in the past.
Nothing had changed in New Weston. I couldn’t say the same about me. The houses still looked pristine, the yards were manicured to perfection. All of the lush green grass still looked trimmed and proper. The air was clean, and the sky was clear, except for a few scattered clouds on the horizon.
I thought that I would return home with a good job. Successful. Strong. Just as I had been raised. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t help myself. It wasn’t self-pity that chipped away at me, it was self-doubt. I doubted my ability to succeed. To be more.
That was something completely new for me.
