by Nicole Falls
“All of this lead up is making me nervous, Pat. Just say it, you know we don’t do secrets.”
Hearing her say that only made me feel worse about the words that were about to come out of my mouth. Not only had I not told her about this, but also I’d kept it to myself for over ten years.
“I ran into Patrick’s father a few weeks ago and he wants me to let him into our…his life.”
Raquel’s eyes narrowed as she cocked her head to the side.
“Patrick’s whom now? I certainly didn’t hear you correctly.”
“You did. His father, half his DNA, the sperm donor.”
“Right. You’ve always referred to his father as a sperm donor and as far as I know you haven’t ever been seriously involved with someone enough to have considered having their child, so explain this to me like I’m two because I’m lost here, sis. Did the sperm bank call you saying that the man who spanked his monkey into a lil cup a decade ago is seeking out a connection with all of the children he may have sired, or?”
“I’m saying that I wasn’t inseminated.”
“Bitch, excuse me?”
“Quel, let me exp—“
“That you’ve lied to me, your son, your sister and god knows who else for the past eleven, hell almost twelve years? How exactly, can you explain that? I thought we had no secrets, but clearly I was wrong.”
I couldn’t say anything. I had no words to combat the rightful anger that Raquel was experiencing and that I was sure Celena would experience when I broke the news to her as well. Admittedly, it was a fucked up secret to keep, but I was scared and feeling dumb. I was the one who always had her shit together and was stable. I wasn’t supposed to be the one who fell in love with a drug dealer twenty years her senior and ended up pregnant with his child. My life was perfectly composed and the hiccup of becoming pregnant ended up being yet another thing for me to handle and then move forward with in my life.
That was my position in this family; I was the fixer. I wasn’t the one who caused problems or was unnecessarily burdensome to everyone else. Not to say that either Raquel or Celena fit this mold either, but of the three of us I was the one who always had her shit together. Or at least to them that’s what it seemed like. I had a plan and I never deviated from that plan. I worked diligently to curate a life that was productive and fulfilling and my baby wasn’t a planned part of any of that. I made adjustments and told half-truths to explain his eventual birth and I certainly wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world, but this…confession wasn’t one I’d thought I’d ever have to be making. I was sure that Calvin was out of my life for good and that the life I’d provided for Patrick would be enough that he wouldn’t feel like growing up without a father was a lack for him. Shame on me for thinking…and not taking into account the fact that life has a way of lifing on me, no matter how hard I try to plan for whatever comes my way.
“I’ll…let me call you back, Patty,” Quel said and disconnected the call without waiting for me to acknowledge her.
I knew Raquel would be upset, but I hadn’t expected her to completely shut down on me like this. I sat back on the couch with my head in my hands, tears silently streaming down my face. I’d really managed to fuck this all up and I still had to tell baby sis. And my baby, how in the world was I going to tell him that everything he’d known about his father up until now was a lie. I felt that chest tightening feeling begin to resurface, so I switched from sitting up to laying down. I tried regulating my breathing, but that eventually gave way to body wracking sobs.
After about thirty minutes had passed, I could hear the Face Time chime coming from my iPad. I picked it up to see that it was Raquel calling me back. I quickly wiped my face and swiped to connect the call. Neither of us spoke immediately once the call connected. We both wore twin expressions of somberness, hers mixed with pain, mine with disappointment. Disappointment in myself for underestimating my sisters.
“I’m sorry, Quelly. I’m so so so sorry, sis. You have to believe me when I say I thought I was doing the right thing here. I didn’t want y’all to see me at my worst.”
Raquel sighed, shaking her head as her face morphed from sad to disbelieving.
“Let me ask you something. Of all people…knowing my dirt like you know my dirt, did you honestly think that I would judge you? Or were you too concerned with keeping up the Perfect Patty façade that you would willingly deceive your family in order to keep the shiny veneer of your reputation in tact?”
Those words made me break down again; the truth piercing my heart as sharply as a knife. That was the underlying motivation for it all. Protecting the image of who I thought everyone thought I should be instead of leaning on my village when I needed to. It was much easier to create a new version of the truth instead of accepting what had happened and working through it with the help of my sisters. I didn’t want to be the same woman my mother was, roped into a relationship with someone she thought was one way and turned out to be another. And though our circumstances differed, the cycle of sameness still managed to continue no matter how hard I tried to break it.
After my extended silence Raquel continued, “I’m not disappointed in you, I would not have judged you, and I am so angry with you right now that I could wring your neck. I trust you with my life, Pat. My fucking life. There is nothing that I don’t feel that I can’t share with you and although it may sometimes take longer than others, I always come to you and confide. Because I thought that was the nature of our friendship. No fuck a friendship, sisterhood because despite the absence of shared DNA, you are my sister through and through, so to know you couldn’t trust me to not judge you and accept your circumstance…it hurts. It hurts me so badly that my heart physically aches right now.”
Raquel’s words caused my sobs to increase in volume and they reverberated through my body. I had really made a mess here, trying to “do the right thing” and I shuddered to think of what would happen when I had to go through this again with Celena. Raquel let me cry, giving me the space to compose myself until I could finally speak.
“I don’t know what to do, Quel. I just…I don’t…” I trailed off.
“I called Lena just before I called you back. She’s on her way over there right now, probably.”
“You did what?” I said, sobering up and leveling Raquel with a tight glare that I’m sure she felt the intensity of through the screen.
“I said I called Lena. I didn’t go into detail, but I told her to go on over and check on you because you needed her right now. Because you do. And unlike me? She’s physically there, sis. I know you probably didn’t want to have this conversation twice in one day, but you need someone to wrap you up in a hug and tell you that it’s okay. You made a mistake. A stupidly validated mistake, but it’s not such a big mistake that there’s irreparable damage to our bond, sis. I love you, Patty…witcha lying ass.”
I choked out a laugh, “Love you too, Quelly. And I’ll keep saying it, I am so so sorry for keeping this from you for all these years.”
My doorbell rang and I grabbed the iPad as I walked to open it. Celena was on my stoop with a tote bag in one hand and a pizza in the other.
“Hey Little Lena,” Raquel called from the screen, “I’ll let y’all get to it. Patty, I’ll be calling you tomorrow to check in. Love y’all!”
“Love you too,” Celena and I replied in unison before I disconnected the call.
As Celena walked through the house toward the kitchen, her tote bag clinked with the easily identifiable sounds of adult beverage bottles. As she took the bottles from the bag, I noticed that she had both wine and hard liquor.
“Is this a wine or whiskey conversation?” she asked holding up two bottles with labels I quickly recognized as two of my favorites.
“Both,” I responded as I grabbed glasses and headed toward the living room so that I could have this very difficult conversation for the second time today.
We settled in with our food and drinks and I commenced to tell
ing Celena the entire story about Cal from beginning to where we were currently. She listened intently, not once stopping me to ask a question or interject a thought, feeling, or emotion. Her face remained impassive and unmoving, almost as if my words had begun to turn her to stone. When I finally finished, I braced myself for the blow like Quel had done, but instead Celena reached over and wrapped me in a tight hug. When she pulled back, she stared at me, mouth slightly agape.
“Where does your strength come from, sis? Honestly? How have you managed to hold onto this for so long? I mean, beyond the obvious stubbornness that was your birth right, how did you not just break down and crumble underneath the pressure of keeping it all together?” she asked.
I blew a long stream of air through my lips, considering her questions and thinking of the best way to answer. I gave up trying to find the perfect words and just spoke freely.
“It was hard. It was so hard. You asked me a few weeks ago if I’d ever longed for someone to be on this journey with me. To help me raise Patrick, be there to pick up the slack and hell, to prop me up on days where it seemed too much to bear and honestly? I did. Hell, do. But the risk of giving up so much, of being completely vulnerable to someone in that way…I am not sure if it is worth the reward, honestly.”
“So what are you gonna do about this Cal dude? Are you gonna let him in Peej’s life?”
I sighed, “I just don’t know. He says he’s gotten his shit together and is on the straight and narrow, but I don’t know. Hell, I don’t even know if Patrick would be open to wanting to meet him. I just…this shit is a lot right now, Cel.”
“You’re going to have to face it sooner or later though, sis. He’s threatening legal action and what not? You may not have a choice.”
“There’s always a choice, baby sis. Whether or not we choose to make it is a different story.”
Celena and I sat in silence for a while before she suggested that we catch up on some show on Oprah’s channel that she’d been watching about a family with a sugar cane farm. We watched a few episodes before succumbing to the effects of the copious amounts of alcohol we’d both imbibed and knocking out on the couches in the living room.
After a few hours I was startled awake by the incessant ringing of my doorbell. I shot up with a start while Cel remained blissfully unaware of the noise, still knocked out, mouth wide open. I rubbed my eyes to get my bearings and picked up my phone to check the time. It was just after midnight and apparently, my phone had been blowing up all night. I had several missed calls and texts from Damon. I’d completely forgotten about having plans to meet up with him that evening.
I made my way to the door to see who in the hell thought it was cool to just pop up at my door after midnight and lay on the bell until I appeared. I opened the door to see Damon on the other side.
“Are you all right?” he asked, “I’ve been calling you all night after not hearing from you since this afternoon.”
“Sorry about that,” I said, sheepishly, “I had a…something came up and I should have called you to let you know that I needed to take a rain check on tonight. My mind was elsewhere. I’m sorry.”
“All good,” he replied, making a move to get past me and walk into the house.
I moved offensively, blocking his path.
“Is there a reason why I can’t come in? I know your son isn’t here. I left him at my bro and sis house a few hours ago.”
“It’s…not a good time.”
Truthfully, I didn’t want to have to answer more questions if Cel woke up while he was in the house.
“Oh? Is your friend you had dinner with tonight still here?” he asked looking down at what I was wearing. I’d changed into a sleep shirt that barely covered my thighs once Cel and I had settled in for the night. “Am I interrupting? Is that what took you so long to come to the door?”
“What are you talking about, Damon?”
“Your son said that you were out to dinner with a friend and that’s why he was over Danny and Leila’s tonight. I guess you dinner went well enough that you didn’t need my maintenance tonight.”
“Whoa. Chill out, Damon. There is nobody in my house, but my sister who I’d rather not have any further in my business than she has been tonight. Where’s this coming from though? I thought we were just having fun?”
He laughed humorlessly, “Right. Just scratching an itch, right? No need for me in your life beyond providing pleasure on your command. Got it. I’ll be sure to stay in the little box you’re keeping me in until you’re ready for me to reappear in your life.”
He turned to walk away and I grabbed his arm.
“Wait…”
He turned back a look of question on his face, but I wasn’t sure what to say, so I remained quiet.
“That’s what I thought. Goodbye, Patricia,” he said, continuing down the path to his car, getting in and driving away.
DAMON
“Bruh, are you okay?” Dominick asked after a particularly hard foul I’d committed against Dorian as we played our weekly game of two on two. Nico had started spending more time here instead of out on the West Coast where he also owned property, so we’d gotten into the habit of linking up on Sunday mornings and playing a few games. Sunday was the only day that Sweet Thang was closed, so I was able to sleep in a bit before hoopin’ with my brothers.
“I’m good, bruh. Check up,” I said, throwing the ball in his direction.
The truth was, I wasn’t all right, but it wasn’t something that I wanted to discuss with Nico; he wouldn’t understand and would just tease me mercilessly about being whipped. It had been a few weeks since I’d had a blow up with Patricia and she had reached out a few times, but I was ignoring her until I could reconcile us not moving past just hooking up. The more time I spent with her, the more I liked Patricia and wanted to build with her. I was willing to make time in my schedule in order for us to progress and get to know each other beyond what made our bodies shudder and shiver. I was tired of being a bachelor.
Since moving back home and consistently being around Dor and Danny’s families, the urge to settle down and start my own was becoming almost all consuming. If Patricia wasn’t willing to give me more than a few hours of off peak time, then I didn’t need to even be wasting my time with her. Truth was, however, letting go of her and the possibility of what could have been was easier said than done. Thinking about her had me all off my game and it was evident as my brothers teased me mercilessly about how I played.
Our game ended and Nico asked me to hang around for a bit because he had a favor he needed to ask. His staff had been going through some changes lately and he was coming up short when it came to coaches for the pre-teen indoor football league. He wanted me to step in, coaching a squad for a six week period until he could find someone else to do it permanently. I agreed with no hesitation, having missed coaching. Before I took my sabbatical to go to pastry school, I volunteered at the local boys and girls club coaching a variety of sports, as the center needed me to step in. Helping my brother and getting back into coach mode was a no-brainer for me.
I would be responsible for coaching two evenings a week and then games would be on weekend afternoons at Indoor Sports. The games alternated between Saturdays and Sunday. I’d have to coordinate with Ty to make sure he could cover at Sweet Thang on the days that I had Saturday morning games, but everything else should be able to fit into my schedule perfect. Before I left, Nico outfitted me with a coach’s shirt and printed out a roster as well as the game schedule. I would be coaching a team of kids ranging between the ages ten through twelve, with a broad range of skill levels. Nico had mentioned that some of the kids played in the league for the past couple years that it had been running while others were new to organized sports as a whole.
Ty had invited me by his place for a barbeque later that afternoon, so until I had to go over there I busied myself with reacquainting myself with the rules of flag football league play. Even though this was strictly recreational, I still t
ook the responsibility of being a coach very seriously and wanted to ensure that my team would be prepared to progress to the championship rounds at the end of the program. I wanted to not only teach them the basics of the games, but also impart the importance of playing as a team in order to effectively achieve the end goal of winning the game. I put together a rough practice outline as well as drew up some plays that we’d focus on during the first practice session.
***
“Damon, come over here for a second,” Andrea called out.
Andrea was Tyrel’s long term girlfriend and child’s mother. She stood off to the side of the yard with a group of women who varied in age from old enough to be my mother to what looked like high school age.
“Hey, Drea, what’s going on?” I asked as I got closer.
“We need a man’s opinion on this little situation that Saniya is dealing with. As her elders we’ve come to a difference of opinion on how she should proceed and figured having some masculine insight on this could help,” a sultry voice replied.
I turned to see the owner of the voice and was greeted by a lovely sight, a light skinned beauty with sisterlocks and a sprinkling of freckles across her nose.
Andrea rolled her eyes, “Focus, Didi and stop tryna push up on Damon. We need to get Niya another perspective on what happened so she can make an informed decision.”
This felt like I had walked into a trap, but it would be too late for me pull up now. I looked around, hoping that Ty had returned and could save me from what I knew would end up being a sticky situation, but he and his brother still hadn’t returned from their run to the liquor store. The only other men around were little boys and the old heads who were too into their game of dominos to even provide any relief for me. I ran a hand over the top of my head, visibly uncomfortable at being put on the spot.
“Y’all don’t wanna wait for Ty and Quise to get back?”
“We won’t take too much of your time, Damon. Promise,” Andrea replied.
