“Thanks for taking me out with you,” I whisper, leaning my head on Owen’s shoulder as we walk.
“Hey, I wanted to dance with you,” he answers, leaning down and kissing me softly on the forehead. “Besides, what fun would it have been to go alone?”
Owen puts an arm around my waist, but instead of the nervous panic I usually feel, I’m warm and relaxed. Why can’t I always feel like this? This is how it ought to be—I should be able to feel safe and comfortable with someone, not always worrying that something terrible will happen to me.
Owen’s embrace warms me against the freezing night air, and I snuggle up against him as we walk. My bare legs are still cold, but for some reason, the temperature doesn’t bother me as much now that his arm is around me.
My phone beeps in the pocket of my coat just as we reach the top of the long staircase, and I stop to read Tina’s message.
“Lacey and Dinah BOTH brought guys home tonight. More sex than a porno. Going to a movie with C to wait them out. Hope you had fun 2nite!”
I groan and shake my head. Lacey and Dinah both get obnoxiously loud when they’re with their boyfriends, and I don’t want to deal with it. Not tonight.
“So, um... cocoa at my place doesn’t look like it’ll work,” I mumble awkwardly. “Lacey and Dinah have the place... occupied.”
Owen chuckles and shakes his head as he leans back against the lamppost.
“Well, we can’t just wait out here in the cold. How about my place?” he proposes. “I’ll take a rain-check on that cocoa.”
“Sure!” I answer happily. “But... can you do one thing for me first?”
“Yeah?”
“Spin me again before we go!” I beg. I’m still giddy from dancing, and I want to feel the excitement one more time.
He smiles at me and my heart turns over in my chest.
All I want to do is bask in the moment as he takes me in his arms and dances with me at the top of the stairs. His hand is comforting against my back, and I feel like I could stare into his warm, gray eyes forever. He sends me out for a spin, and I feel the cold wind whip against my legs as my black dress billows up around me.
It took me a long time to get used to wearing a dress again, and even with Tina’s support, I was uncomfortable going out in it. I didn’t like the idea of my legs showing—the idea that anyone who wanted to would be able to touch me—but Owen’s reaction to me tonight made it okay. In my mind, I can still see his look of adoration from when he first saw me in my dress. I’ve never felt so pretty or so wanted.
He pulls me back in, holds me close to him, and kisses me softly. I want to melt into his arms as his lips brush against mine, and I put my arms around his neck and let myself go. I can taste the salt on his lips from a long night of dancing, and if it weren’t so cold, I’d linger here with him all night long.
The icy wind buffets us again and prods us to go inside.
“I had a lot of fun tonight,” he whispers to me as we walk hand in hand down the stairs toward his apartment. Something about his tone makes it sound like a confession—as if he’s not supposed to admit that he enjoyed going out dancing.
“I had a wonderful time,” I gush, squeezing his hand and kissing him on his cold cheek. “This was the best night ever. Seriously!”
He smiles shyly at my kiss, and I kiss him again for looking so adorable.
The apartment is warm, empty, and quiet since Craig is still out at the movies with Tina, and I happily cuddle up next to Owen on the sofa. I feel so warm and cozy snuggling up next to him that I don’t need cocoa anymore.
“What was your favorite part of the night?” asks Owen, looking at me with bright eyes and a warm smile. He puts his arm around me, and I smile and lean my head on his shoulder. I can barely think straight with all these wonderful feelings coursing through my head.
“Oh, I have no idea!” I stammer, sitting up as I try to think. Was it the dance instructor’s reaction to his broken hand? The way he looked at me when he first saw me? No... I know what it was.
“Getting to dance with you,” I whisper. “I’d never have been brave enough on my own, and you convinced me to get outside my shell and do something amazing.”
His smile is so wide and happy that you’d think I’d given him a puppy.
“How about you?”
“Hmm... tough question,” mutters Owen, his brow furrowing as he thinks. He leans back on the sofa with his hands behind his head.
“I can’t decide! Can I give you two answers?” he begs, and I pretend to think about it before agreeing.
“First... getting to see you so happy,” he answers, and I blush. “You’re really beautiful when you smile, and I’m happy I got to see it.”
“So what’s the second answer?” I ask as he lapses into painful silence. The first answer was lovely, but it was about me. I want to know what his favorite part was!
“Um... never mind,” he stammers awkwardly.
“You said you had two!” I press. “Come on. Please?”
“Promise you won’t beat me up?”
I nod back, and just as I’m about to promise not to hit him, he quickly leans over and kisses me.
Nervous panic flickers to life inside my chest, but the amazing warmth spreading through my body quickly smothers my fear and ignites a burning desire in its place. My heart pounds in excitement as he takes me in his arms and holds me close. My arms find their way around him as I snuggle up against him, and I return his ardent kiss. I can hardly think through the euphoric haze clouding my mind, and all I want to do is let our lips play together and bask in the beautiful feelings coursing through my body.
I can feel myself grinning like a fool when we finally come up to catch our breath. God, I feel so good tonight!
“My favorite thing tonight was getting to touch you,” he whispers in my ear. I shiver and breathe in sharply as I feel his hot breath against my ear. A strange, scary and wonderful feeling rises inside me—something different from just kissing him—and I’m not sure what it is. My body is reacting to the desire in his voice in a way I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.
I kiss him again to try to distract myself from the feeling, but all it does is make the feeling grow stronger inside me. I close my eyes as our kisses get more and more frantic and passionate, and the glorious, euphoric fog rises inside my mind.
I break away from him to catch a gasp of air, my mind reeling from desire, and then throw myself back into his embrace. I can barely breathe from how tightly he holds me, but I don’t care. I desperately need his arms around me and his lips against mine. I need it more than air.
My lips part on their own to match his, and an incomprehensible feeling of intimacy overwhelms me as his tongue finds mine. It’s the weirdest feeling—like our tongues are trying to dance together—and my pulse starts to pound in my head as I press my body against his.
This is the furthest I’ve ever made it with him, I suddenly realize. The last time he held me like this—even without the kissing—I flipped out. I’m immensely proud of myself for one brief moment before my desire shoves the thought out of my mind and directs my attention back to Owen’s gorgeous gray eyes.
I want more. I want so much more.
As I lay back on the couch, I grab Owen by the shoulders and pull him down on top of me. He looks down at me nervously, and I give him back the warmest smile I can.
“Maria... are you okay with this?” he asks me nervously. The last time he was on top of me, back at the ski slope, I nearly knocked his teeth out.
I nod excitedly and pull him down to kiss me. My lips crash into his as desire boils into a strange, beautiful feeling of urgency inside me. I need him to kiss me, and I need it right now. I need it more than I need to breathe, and I see stars when I finally pull away to gasp for air.
“I’m okay,” I whisper breathlessly. “I want to try, Owen.”
“Tell me when to stop, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt,” he whispers back, and the look on
his face takes my breath away. I’ve never seen so much care and concern in one person’s face before, and it’s all for me. Even with the problems I’ve had, I’m the luckiest girl alive.
Without another word, I pull him down against me, almost pressing me into the sofa. He props himself up with his elbow—being careful not to put too much weight on his cast—and he kisses me again. His lips brush gently against my skin, hovering tenuously above me as I tremble in excitement, and just as I feel I can’t wait another second, he dives in and lets me join him in a loving, passionate kiss. He softly caresses my cheek as our lips play together, and an uncontrollable shiver shoots down my spine, igniting every nerve it passes on the way.
I feel like I’m suffocating with every kiss, but I want it to be like this! I want him this close to me, to feel his body against mine, his strong chest pressing against my breasts, and I draw him closer still. Our tongues find each other’s again, and I tremble as I grab his hand and place it against my hip. An unexpected groan of delight escapes through my lips as he kisses me on my neck. It’s as if every kiss leaves a tiny burst of flame behind as his lips move down my body.
With each fiery kiss down my neck, the fog in my mind grows thicker. My brain is so lost in the haze of desire that it’s letting my body do what it wants without question now, and it doesn’t even register when my hand darts out and grabs his again. I pant breathlessly, gasping for air between kisses as I wrap one leg around him and pull his hand down to the hem of my skirt.
“Maria?”
I hear his nervous voice drift in through the wonderful, heavenly haze engulfing my senses, but I don’t answer. I’m in too deep to come back out now. My eyes squeeze shut as I press his palm flat against my bare skin and slowly guide it up my leg. I’m shaking so much that I feel as if I’m about to explode, but I’m not afraid anymore. I feel amazing and excited in a way I’ve never felt before.
I feel alive.
I release his hand—leaving it to do whatever it’s going to do—and run my hands through his soft, blond hair and kiss him urgently. His hand slowly inches up my leg, almost as if he’s nervous that he might go too far. It’s funny how our roles switched like this—for once in my life, I’m not the one who’s scared.
Owen’s hand inches ticklishly up my leg, higher and higher, lifting my skirt as it moves. The feeling of the fabric rising against my thighs suddenly triggers something dark in the back of my mind, and Darren flickers to life inside my head, leering at me as he lifts my skirt.
No! He’s not doing this to me! Not tonight—not after how hard I’ve tried to break the chains! My burning desire for Owen is stronger than my fears tonight, and the terrifying image disappears as quickly as it emerged.
His hand is soft against my skin, but the wonderful feeling is amplified somehow by my realization of what’s we’re doing. His hand is beneath my dress, sliding closer and closer to my underwear, and it feels amazing. I’ve pushed past Darren for the first time in my life!
The excitement swelling in my chest is new and different. My body wants him in a way I’ve never felt before, and as scared as I should be by the unfamiliar feelings, I really like them.
I want him so much!
Suddenly, I hear the sound of a key clicking loudly in the lock, and we both bolt upright and sit stiffly side by side as the front door opens. Craig comes in, babbling happily to Tina as she follows behind him.
“...and that part where his ship just exploded for no reason? Awesome!” shouts Tina excitedly. “Such a god-awful movie, but so great!”
Tina nearly leaps out of her boots when she sees us staring at her.
“Oh my god! I’m so sorry,” she apologizes, covering her mouth with both hands as she sees us sitting on the couch. “We didn’t interrupt anything, did we?”
My hair is a sweaty mess, I’m gasping as if I ran a marathon and my face is bright pink. What does she think?
“No, of course not!” Owen and I blurt out in unison, and Tina bursts out laughing.
“Glad to hear it,” she giggles, and she winks at me.
Now that the spell is broken, I suddenly realize that it’s almost two in the morning. How on earth did it get so late? Time flew by while I lay in Owen’s arms, and I wish I could turn the clock back and keep lying like that forever.
Tina hovers awkwardly for a minute before excusing herself and heads upstairs, and Craig lingers in the kitchen for a short while longer before going up after her. I groan and then start laughing.
“Are they going to... eew...” starts Owen, but his voice trails off awkwardly as he looks at the stairwell in amazement. I can’t help but giggle at his reaction. It’s so innocent and childlike for someone who, only moments ago, was wrapped in my embrace and touching me all over.
“I don’t know, but I deal with enough of it from our other roommates, so I think I’m going to call it a night,” I answer with a yawn. I don’t even want to think about Tina having sex.
“I had a really good time tonight,” I whisper, and he flashes me a gorgeous smile before answering.
“I’m glad! I did too.”
Tonight is the best night I’ve ever had. I have no words for how amazing I feel, so instead I let one last, long, passionate kiss tell him for me.
Saturday, March 9 – 9:30 AM
Owen
I feel Maria shaking at my touch, but she holds my hand tightly against her leg and doesn’t let go. She wants so badly to try, but she’s even more scared than I am. I press my lips against hers, tasting her, stifling her delighted moan as my hand runs delicately up her thigh. The lace beneath her skirt tickles my arm, and my heart skips a beat as my fingers brush against the soft fabric of her underwear.
Her body burns like fire against mine, and she gasps frantically for air as she breaks away from the passionate kiss, trying to catch her breath. I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want her right now.
The alarm clock goes off, shatters my dream and yanks me back to reality. My heart races, I’m covered in sweat, and the sheets cling to my skin as I stare up at the ceiling. I promised myself that I’d work on my thesis today, but it’s so tempting to just stay here in bed—to let myself drift off back to that heavenly dream and relive last night instead.
I’ve never felt more connected to someone than I did with Maria last night. Not one single girl I dated back when I was an undergrad ever made me feel like she does. The connection I felt last night as we lay in each other’s arms was the most intense, intimate feeling I’ve ever experienced.
I’m grateful now that Craig and Tina interrupted us when they did. I don’t know if I could have controlled myself for much longer. I wanted so desperately to take off her dress—to explore her body and experience everything with her—but I feel as if I’d be hurting her even if she wanted it too.
Why am I feeling guilty about something that didn’t happen? Emotions are complicated and sometimes even the good ones only make things harder to understand.
I have to get up.
By the time I’m out of the shower and dressed for the day, my thoughts are finally back in order and I’m ready to work. I grab my coat, toss an apple in my backpack, and head out the door.
It’s much warmer than I expected, and my coat quickly finds its way into my backpack when I stop to check the mail. The sun shines brightly in the clear blue sky—a rare occurrence in upstate New York—and I feel positively cheerful. I had the time of my life last night, and today’s looking promising too.
My outlook on the day suddenly changes drastically as I see the letter from Mom, and my heart sinks as I rip open the envelope and see the bill inside.
My insurance company sent the bill for my broken hand to my parents’ address instead of to my apartment. A yellow sticky-note with Mom’s handwriting is affixed at the top.
“Got this bill. Your father said not to pay it, so I wrote a check from your account. –Mom.”
The bill is for eight hundred dollars. She drained almost my entire account.
My pulse pounds louder and louder in my head as I walk up the hill to campus, and I start to panic. I just paid my rent two days ago, and the check hasn’t cleared the bank yet. When that goes through, I’ll be wiped out completely! My next paycheck is on the fifteenth—how am I supposed to eat until then? I have no money left for food!
My mind keeps racing in circles even once I make it to the library, and I can’t focus on my work. What if my bank balance had been just slightly lower? What if I’d gone grocery shopping early this month or used an ATM? Mom didn’t even call me before writing the check!
Something else bothers me, though—something much bigger than the money—and it gnaws at my chest, growing more and more painful until I have no choice but to pay attention to it.
Mom got a bill for a trip to the emergency room, and she never even called to see if I was okay.
I knew Dad didn’t care about me, but...
My eyes tear up and I can’t make them stop.
“I don’t matter,” I whisper, laying my head on the desk as I feel myself start to wilt. “I don’t matter at all.”
Saturday, March 9 – 10:30 AM
Maria
For the first time in as long as I can remember, I made it through the night without a single bad dream. The sun is shining in the window when I wake up, and it leaves a warm, bright rectangle on my bedspread.
I don’t want to get up, but I don’t want to go back to sleep either. What I really want is to go back to last night, to lie on the sofa and feel Owen’s arms around me again. I don’t know what happened last night, but it was magical!
I finally convince myself to get up, but I’m not getting dressed. It’s Saturday, I have lots of homework to do, and I have to remember to sign up for the spring career fair. Today is a day for flannel pajamas, I think.
The career fair is only two weeks away now, and it feels like I was a freshman only yesterday. Time flies, especially when you’re finally starting to have fun.
Tina is meditating over her morning cup of coffee when I come down to the kitchen.
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