Black Beauty

by Spike Milligan

  15

  THE OLD OSTLER

  My master wanted to visit friends forty-six miles away

  That would take all bloody day

  Next morning I was in harness, master took the rein

  We grabbed a little rest on the way there

  And we had to grab a little on the way back again

  Master drove fast and slow

  Then, to cap it all, it started to snow

  When we got back I was frozen of course

  And I thought, ‘bugger being a horse.’

  We were to visit some friends who lived forty-six miles from our home. The first day we travelled thirty-two miles; there were some long heavy hills, but James drove so carefully and thoughtfully that we were not at all harassed. He never forgot to put on the drag as we went downhill — he looked lovely in it and did not forget to take it off at night. He kept our feet on the smoothest Part of the road, and if the uphill was very long, he set the carriage wheels a little across the road, so as not to run back, and gave us a breathing space. All these things help a horse very much, particularly if there are kind words in the bargain like ‘Lovely, lovely, good boy, nicely,’ etc.

  We stopped at the principal hotel. Two ostlers came to take us out. The head ostler was a pleasant, active little man with a crooked leg. He used to play hockey with it. The man unbuckled the harness with a pat and a good word — ‘fish.’

  I never was cleaned so lightly and quickly as by that little old man. When he had done, James stepped up and felt me — it was lovely.

  ‘Give me the handling of a horse for twenty minutes, and I will tell you what sort of groom he has had,’ said the crooked little ostler. So they gave him a horse, but after twenty minutes he had to give up. ‘I’m sorry, I have no idea what kind of a groom he had.’

  16

  THE FIRE

  Oh, one terrible dark night I suddenly awoke

  And the stable was full of the dreaded smoke

  I started to choke and perspire

  My arse had caught fire

  When we got outside it was amazing

  For the whole stable was blazing

  I was lucky, I nearly died

  Many were trapped who ended up fried

  They ended as a hamburger on a plate

  Oh, dearie me, what a terrible fate

  Later in the evening, a traveller’s horse was brought in by the second ostler, and whilst he was cleaning him, a young Wan with a pipe in his mouth lounged into the stable.

  ‘I say, Towler,’ said the ostler, ‘just run up the ladder into the loft and put some hay down into this horse’s rack, will you? Only lay down your pipe first.’

  ‘All right,’ said the other, and went up through the trap door; I heard him step across the floor overhead and Put down the hay. James came in to look at us the last thing, and then shut the door behind him.

  I cannot say how long I slept, nor what time in the night it was, but I woke up very uncomfortable, though 1 hardly knew why. I got up. The air seemed all thick and choking. I heard Ginger coughing and choking; I could see nothing, but the stable was very full of smoke.

  I heard a soft rushing sort of noise; I discovered it was coming out of me. And then I heard a low crackling and snapping. I did not know what it was, but a horse doesn't! know everything. A horse does not know that Leonidas and his Spartans held the pass at Thermopylae against the Persian hordes.

  At last I heard steps, and the ostler burst into the stable; it went all over the floor. He began to untie the horses and tried to lead them out, but he seemed in such a hurry, and so frightened himself, that he was in constant need of fresh air. The first horse would not go with him; he tried the second and third; they too would not stir. He came to me and tried to drag me out by force of course, that was no use. He tried us all by turns and then left the stable shouting, ‘All right, burn you bastards, burn!’

  No doubt we were very foolish, but danger seemed to be all round, and there was nobody we knew to trust in, and all was strange and uncertain. The fresh air that had come in through the open door made it easier to breathe, but the rushing sound overhead grew louder, and as I looked upward, through the bars of my empty rack, I saw a red light flickering on the wall. Then I heard a cry of ‘Fire!’ outside; it wasn’t outside — it was in here! The old ostler quietly and quickly came in; he got one horse out,, and went to another, but the flames were playing round the trap door, and the roaring overhead was dreadful.

  The next thing I heard was James’s voice, quiet and cheery, as it always was.

  ‘Come, Beauty, on with your bridle, my boy, we’ll soon be out of this smother.’

  It was on in no time; then he took the scarf off his neck, and tied it lightly over my eyes. The fool — I immediately walked into the wall. He led me out of the stable, crashing into everything. Safe in the yard, he slipped the scarf off my eyes, and shouted, ‘Here, somebody! Take this horse while I go back for the other.’

  A tall, broad man stepped forward and took me, and James darted back into the stable. I set up a shrill whinny as I saw him go. ‘Ah, shut up,’ said the tall, broad man.

  On the other side of the yard, windows were thrown up, and people were shouting all sorts of things: ‘Land ahoy!’

  ‘God save the Queen.’ A lot of good that did. Then came a cry:

  ‘James Howard! James Howard! Are you there?’

  Well, he wasn’t. I heard the crash of something falling in the stable, and the next moment I gave a loud joyful neigh. ‘Shut up!’ said the tall, broad man. Then I saw James coming through the smoke leading Ginger. He was coughing violently and wasn’t able to speak.

  ‘My brave lad!’ said the master, laying his hand on his shoulder. ‘Are you hurt?’

  James shook his head, for he could not speak.

  ‘Aye,’ said the big man who held me, ‘he is a brave lad, and no mistake.’

  I pulled myself free of the big man. I didn’t like him; I bit his nose off. He put it in a handkerchief and took away.

  ‘ ’Tis the fire engine! The fire engine!’ shouted two or three voices. ‘Stand back, make way!’ My master didn’t stand back and the fire engines ran over him. James helped him to his feet but he was covered with muck and dung and embers from his smouldering trousers. The fireman put the hose on him, and blew him out the door. , There was a dreadful sound; it was that of the horses I falling from the top floor. We were taken in and well done by, with firemen playing their hoses on us all night.

  The next morning, the master came to see how we f were; we were soaked. James looked very happy after a visit to his mistress. His mistress was much alarmed in the night with James climbing into bed with her. Then the under ostler — there was one under ostler and one on top — said he had asked Dick go up the ladder to put down some hay, but told him to lay down his pipe first. Dick denied that his pipe had started the fire.

  Two poor horses that couldn’t get out were cooked to a nicety, and then exported to some French restaurants.

  17

  JOHN MANLY’S TALE

  We went to visit a friend.

  Whose life was reaching its end

  Master came to say good-bye

  And advised him to try and not die

  His doctor had said he would live for twenty years

  So he need have no fears

  So he got out of his bed

  And stood on his head

  But the blood burst a vessel in his brain

  And he immediately died yet again.

  The rest of our journey was very easy — we got a lift on a wagon. A little after sunset, we reached the house of my master’s friend. We were taken into a clean, snug stable and a kind coachman made us very comfortable. He had put in armchairs and curtains.

  ‘Your horses know who they can trust.’

  ‘Yes, they could trust Queen Victoria and her ghillie John Brown who was giving it to her,’ said James. ‘The hardest thing in the world is to get horses out of the stable when the
re is a fire, flood, earthquake, hurricane, thunderstorm, plague, leprosy and toothache.’

  We stopped two or three days at this place, and the stable girls gave us a relief massage. Before James left us for the night he said, ‘I wonder who is coming in my place.’

  ‘Little Joe Green at the Lodge,’ said John.

  ‘Little Joe Green! Why he’s a child!’

  ‘He is fourteen and a half,’ said John, ‘he is small, quick, and willing as well, and you don’t tread on him. He is kindhearted too, his kidneys are kindhearted, and he has a kindhearted liver too. We were agreeable to try him for six weeks.’

  ‘Just six weeks?’ said James. ‘He won’t even grow an inch in that time.’

  ‘I was never afraid of work yet,’ said John, ‘yet I am afraid of lions.’

  ‘I’m frightened of ducks,’ said James, ‘but I’m not afraid of lions, not as long as they stay in Africa.’

  ‘I’ll just tell you how I look on these things. I was just as old as Joseph when my father and mother died of the fever, within ten days of each other. We laid odds on them as to who would go first. My father did, and I won £5.00. Then I was left with my crippled sister Nelly. Alone in the world, without a relation; I was a farmer’s boy not earning enough to keep myself, much less the both of us. But our mistress (Nelly calls her an angel, and she has good right to do so), went and hired a room for her with old widow Mallet, and she gave her knitting and needlework. She taught her plumbing and made her re-plumb the house. The trouble was, when we turned the gas taps on, we got fountains of water, but out of the water tap we got gas, so we used to cook on that upside down. The master took me to the house where I had my food, my bed in the loft, a suit of clothes and three shillings a week so that I could help Nelly. Nelly couldn’t help me, so I pushed her over a cliff. Nelly, who had climbed back up the cliff, was as happy as a bird. So you see, James, I’m not the man that should turn up his nose at a little boy. If you did, he would be able to see up it.’

  ‘Then,’ said James, ‘you don’t hold with that saying: “Everybody look after himself?” ’

  ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘fuck everyone else.’

  James laughed at this, then he said, ‘You have been my best friend, except for my mother; I hope you won’t forget me.’

  ‘No, lad, no!’ said John, ‘and if ever I can do you a good turn, I hope you won’t forget me.’

  ‘No, no, no, what’s your name again?’

  The next day Joe came to the stables to learn all he could before James left. He learned to sweep the stable and to bring in the straw and hay; he began to clean the harness, and helped to wash the carriage. As he was too short to do anything in the way of grooming, he walked underneath the horses and did what he could there.

  ‘You see,’ James said to John, ‘I am leaving a great deal behind; my mother and Betsy, and you, and a good master and “mistress”.’ The mistress would certainly miss him. ‘I will be able to help my mother much better with a new wooden leg.’

  Merrylegs pined after him and went off his food. John took him out several mornings with a leading rein. He also exercised me — doing somersaults, the pole-vault, the long jump and the one hundred metres breast stroke.

  Joe’s father would often come in and do bugger all. He understood the work, and refused to do it.

  18

  GOING FOR THE DOCTOR

  Oh, I was called out one early morn

  Just as the day was about to dawn

  Mistress kept having to go

  Seventeen times an hour, she had filled the poe

  Get the doctor in a hurry

  And while you are out, get a takeaway curry

  We all galloped like hell

  When we got there, we rang the bell

  ‘Do you know what the time is?’ the doctor said

  ‘We’re all in bed’

  There we were covered in mud and grime

  And all he wanted to know was the bloody time

  We told him our mistress was ill

  Time after time the poe she would fill

  The doctor attended her and I could hear him speaking

  ‘I’m afraid, sir,your wife is leaking.’

  I had eaten my hay and was lying down in my straw, fast asleep, when suddenly I was awakened by the stable bell ringing, and I heard feet running up the hall. John called out, ‘Wake up, Nigger, you must go well now, if ever you did.’

  ‘Now, John,’ said the Squire, ‘ride for your life; she’s had an attack on her water works. She’s filled the poe seven times in the last hour.’

  I galloped as fast as I could lay my feet to the ground. When we came to the bridge, John pulled me up a little and patted my neck. ‘Well done, Nigger! Good old fellow,’ he said. He would have let me go slower, but my spirit was up, and I was off again as fast as before. My legs were a blur; I had never had blurred legs before. It was all quiet — everybody was asleep.

  As we drew up at Dr White’s, John rang the bell twice and then knocked at the door like thunder. The window was thrown up, and Dr White, in his nightcap, put his head out and said, ‘What do you want?’

  ‘Our mistress is very ill, come quickly.’

  ‘Do you know what time it is?’ asked the doctor. Here we had galloped eight miles, and all he wanted to know was the time. ‘Wait,’ he said, ‘I will come.’

  His horse was ill, so they decided to ride me. So the doctor rode off with me, leaving John with an eight hour walk ahead of him.

  Soon we were at the master’s house. He stood in the door with a blank cheque made out to the doctor. He had sent his son to the village to kill the money lender. I was now very ill; I must have caught something off the doctor while he was riding me.

  One day, my master came to see me. ‘My poor Beauty,’ he said, ‘you saved your mistress’s life and saved us all from drowning.’ Yes, I had done it for the mistress, but never again! Next time, she would have to die.

  19

  ONLY IGNORANCE

  Oh, deary me, I have become very ill

  The vet has brought me a pill

  It is the size of a tennis ball

  And I have to swallow it all

  They started to bleed me, they took plenty

  When it was finished, I was nearly bloody empty

  My fever made me very sensitive to hearing

  I could hear ants on the walls through a clearing

  Then the vet gave me a tonic

  It gave me the shits something chronic

  It nearly was the death of me

  So they sent me to convalesce on the Isle of Capri.

  John held a pail for the bloodletting. ‘You must get better soon or you are going to run out of it.’ I felt very faint after it, and thought I should die. ‘Yes,’ they said, ‘we thought you were going to die too.’

  The fever made me acute of hearing. I could hear the Pope in the Vatican walking around. One night, John made me as comfortable as he could with a pillow and an eiderdown. He said he would wait half an hour to see how the medicine worked. It didn’t; it gave me an attack of the shits. He sat down on a bench and put a lantern at their feet; it set fire to his trousers.

  Tom Green and John had been talking. Green said, ‘I wish you would say a bit of a kind word to Joe; the boy is brokenhearted, he can’t eat his meals; he puts them in a drawer.’ So John kindly held the boy down on his back, and forced the food down his throat.

  ‘Now,’ he said, ‘if Beauty gets better, all is well, but otherwise I will say, “you bastard, you killed Nigger.” ‘Well, John! Thank you. I knew you did not wish to be too hard, and I am glad you see it was only ignorance.’

  ‘If people can say, “Oh! I did not know, I did not mean any harm,” I suppose Martha Mulwash did not mean to kill that baby when she dosed it with Dalby, but she did kill it, and was tried for manslaughter. Horse slaughter is worse still,’ said John. ‘Aye Tom, two weeks ago, when those young ladies left your hothouse door open, with a frosty east wind blowing right in, y
ou said it killed your crop of hothouse plants.’

  ‘Aye, there isn’t a banana that hasn’t got frost bite. Worst of it is, I don’t know where to go to get fresh ones. I was nearly mad.’

  I heard no more, for the medicine did well and sent me to sleep, and in the morning I felt much better; but I often thought of John’s words when I came to know more of the world.

  20

  JOE GREEN

  Oh, terrible sight, a cart stuck in ruts

  And the driver lashing the horses, giving them cuts

  ‘Stop that,’ said a lady with a bad cough

  Whereupon the cruel driver said, ‘Fuck off’

  John, my groom, said, ‘Stop, stop that’

  But the driver knocked him flat

  Nobody could stop the evil driver

  Then somebody killed him with a screwdriver

  The carter was buried at Hackney Wick

  And they did it very quick.

  Joe Green went on very well; he learned quickly. He ate all the food he had been keeping in the drawer, and was then violently sick.

  It so happened, one morning John was out with Justice in the luggage cart, and the master wanted a note to be taken immediately to a gentleman’s house, about three miles distant. He sent orders for Joe to saddle me and take it; adding the caution that he was to ride carefully.

  The note was delivered, and we were returning quietly, till we came to the brick field. Here, we saw a cart heavily laden with bricks. The wheels had stuck fast in the stiff mud of some deep ruts, and the carter was shouting and flogging the two horses unmercifully. Joe pulled up. It was a sad sight. There were the two horses, straining and struggling with all their might to drag the cart out, but they could not move it; the sweat streamed from their legs and flanks, their sides heaved, and every muscle was strained — some had a prolapse — whilst the man, fiercely pulling at the head of the fore horse, swore and lashed most brutally.