“I remember thinking you were pretty cute,” I said tentatively. I don’t know why I was so shy about letting him know how I felt about him. I thought he was one of the best looking guys I had ever seen. I still did.
Maybe that was the problem.
“Just pretty cute?” He actually looked a little hurt.
“Oh, come on,” I said. “You know every girl in our school thought you were God’s gift to girls everywhere.”
His look turned serious and it sent tingles through my entire body. There was no doubt the guy was hot. “I don’t care what every other girl thought. I care about what you thought.”
I looked down at my napkin and noticed I’d been mindlessly tearing at it. “I thought you were exceptional.” I looked up and caught his gaze. “I still do.”
He gulped. Before he could respond, the server brought our food.
As we ate, I noticed that Sawyer seemed a little quieter and a little more withdrawn. I wondered if it had anything to do with my admission. Every time we seemed to take a few steps forward, toward getting together, he seemed to retreat.
Was he afraid that I would hurt him like those other girls apparently had?
It was difficult to start something with Sawyer when it felt like every time I tried to go toward him, he backed away from me.
Maybe he was right, maybe we just needed to take things slowly and give it time.
Sawyer drove me back to my car, which was still parked by the auditorium.
“It was sweet of you to pay for dinner, even though we weren’t on a date,” I said when Sawyer parked his truck next to my dad’s Honda Civic, which I was now driving.
“It was my pleasure,” he said. Then he looked at me. “I had a great time.”
I gave him a warm smile. “Me, too. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I wasn’t sure how to proceed. Since it wasn’t a date, I didn’t think we’d kiss, even though I wasn’t opposed to the idea. Just thinking about Sawyer’s lips touching mine made them start to tingle.
We just sat there gazing at each other for a long moment. The moon was nearly full and the moonlight was shining into Sawyer’s truck in such a way that it lit up his face.
He truly was stunning, his perfect features illuminated by the moonlight. I leaned in and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. I could hear him intake a sharp breath as my lips made contact with his skin.
As I moved my face away from his, I caught a quick whiff of his clean aftershave.
“Have a good night, Maggs,” he said.
“You know that no one calls me that,” I said as I opened the passenger side door.
“I know,” he replied. “That’s why I like it.”
I had to admit that I liked it, too.
Five
As soon as I walked into The Little Theater, I had a bad feeling. I hoped it didn’t have anything to do with seeing Jude again. After what Sawyer had said about him, I wasn’t looking forward to being on his radar again. I didn’t want anything to do with him.
Summer was already rolling around the back of the theater in her electric wheelchair, with Larry at her side. The two looked like they were engaged in a heated debate about something. I wasn’t sure I wanted to join them. I looked around the theater for Helen, so I could check in and make sure she gave me all the credit I deserved for being there. At only a few hours rehearsal a night, I realized it was going to take a while to accumulate one hundred hours of service.
Of course, there was no way to avoid Jude, as soon as he walked in the door, his eyes seemed to gravitate toward me. Luckily, Helen intercepted me before he could make his way toward me.
“Glad to see you’re back so soon,” Helen said. “I thought some of the gang may have scared you away.” She glared in Jude’s direction and he just rolled his eyes.
Summer rolled over to me and gave me a big smile. That made me wonder what Sawyer had said to her about me. Whatever he said this time was obviously positive.
“Did you have fun Saturday night,” Summer asked.
“I did,” I admitted.
When I glanced in Jude’s direction, he was eyeing me suspiciously.
Helen made a few notes on her clipboard then handed me a copy of the script. “This is yours. Did you bring a pencil?”
I shook my head. It never occurred to me to bring a pencil even though I saw everyone using them the last time I was here. No doubt because it sounded like Helen changed her mind a lot about what she wanted.
“I have an extra one,” Summer said and everyone waited while she grabbed one out of her backpack and handed it to me.
“Thanks,” I said and Summer gave me another big smile. She now seemed to be my biggest fan.
For a brief moment, I wondered what it would be like to have her for a sister. I didn’t have any siblings and I always thought it would be cool to marry someone with a sister so I could have one, at least by marriage.
Then I had to chastise myself for even thinking about marrying Sawyer. Not only because we hadn’t actually ever even gone out on a date (technically speaking anyway) but also because I was only twenty-one and a very long way from even thinking about marrying anyone.
And marrying someone in a wheelchair seemed like something one should give a lot of thought to anyway. Shouldn’t she?
Helen gathered the actors as they straggled into the theater and they all began to practice onstage.
Larry told us that we were going to start marking down all the props we needed as the actors went through their scenes.
As I watched Jude interact with the other actors, I was amazed at how good he was. Not that I didn’t think he could act, he was obviously very charming and charismatic, but he was also really good onstage. He had impeccable timing and he was actually really funny, too. I’m not sure why that surprised me so much. I guess I didn’t expect someone that good looking to also be so funny.
Larry whispered a mile a minute as the practice went on and I did my best to make notes in my script as he talked. When I glanced over at Summer, I noticed she had her eyes closed and I wondered if she had fallen asleep.
That was, until I heard her ask a question. When Larry answered, she nodded and closed her eyes again. It occurred to me that maybe she was mentally taking notes.
When Helen let the actors go for a smoke break, Larry handed me a handful of coins and asked me to get sodas for the three of us.
“The machine is on the other side of the theater, right next to the dressing rooms,” he said.
I made my way toward the dressing rooms and spotted the soda machine. As I looked at the few selections in the machine, I could feel someone come up beside me. I knew immediately it was Jude. He obviously hadn’t gone for a smoke break with the rest of the cast. Had he been watching me?
When I turned to face him, he placed his hands against the soda machine on either side of me, trapping me.
I swallowed hard as his eyes caught mine.
“What do you want?” I asked. I couldn’t help the annoyance in my voice.
“I thought maybe we could hang out sometime.” He was looking at me like he wanted to take me right there against the soda machine. I had to admit, the idea sent a wave of shivers through me. My mind found him somewhat repulsive, or at the least cheesy, while my body was betraying me by getting very hot and bothered by his proposition.
“I don’t hang out with guys I barely know.”
He flashed me a sexy smile and electricity shot through all of my nerve endings. The guy had a fantastic game, there was no doubt about that. I was sure with enough persistence, he could get any girl he wanted to do anything he wanted, and that included me.
“I’d like to get to know you better,” he offered.
“I bet you would.”
He looked me up and down as if he was trying to figure out why I was so resistant to his charms. “Is this about Sawyer?” he asked finally.
I didn’t reply. I just stared at him.
He narrowed his eyes. �
��What did that prick say about me?”
“Sawyer is not a prick,” I shot back a little too defensively.
He took in a deep breath and his eyes softened. “What did he say?”
I placed my arms across my chest in a protective gesture. “He said that after the accident you slept with his girlfriend. That was a pretty shitty thing to do.”
Jude actually laughed and my stomach knotted. Surely he didn’t think that was funny. “It would be a shitty thing to do it if was true.”
I felt like Jude slapped me. “What do you mean?”
He leaned in closer to me; so close I could feel his warm breath on me. “I did sleep with Steffani, I’m not going to deny that. But she wasn’t his girlfriend. They had already broken up. Steffani had already made it very clear that she didn’t want to be with Sawyer anymore before we ever hooked up. I’ll be the first one to admit I’m a dog but I’d never go behind my best friend’s back.”
My head was spinning out of control. I wasn’t sure what to believe. Had Sawyer lied to me? Or was Jude the one who was lying?
“Why do you think he’d say something like that?” Jude asked but it sounded like a rhetorical question. He continued before I could respond. “You’re a smart girl. I’m sure you can figure it out. He doesn’t think he can compete on an even playing field so he’s got to make me into an evil jerk so you won’t even consider me. Think about it.”
And with that, he turned and walked away.
I was so upset, I was actually shaking. I wasn’t sure what was real and I didn’t know who was telling the truth and who was lying.
I was so preoccupied with all the thoughts running through my head, I completely forgot to get the sodas for Larry and Summer.
This time, I didn’t wait to see Sawyer when he picked up Summer. I made up an excuse that I had to study for a big exam, and headed right to my car. I just didn’t know if I could face Sawyer. I was still too upset and confused.
Later that night, I got my nightly text from Sawyer: I hope you have a good night, Maggs.
This time, though, I didn’t respond. I turned my phone off and went to sleep instead.
***
When I got to the lab the next day, Sawyer had placed more daisies in an Eherlynmeyer flask for me. He was already up to eight daisies, getting closer to a full bouquet every day. If he kept it up, he might eventually have to switch from the flasks to a large beaker.
“You don’t look very happy today,” Sawyer said when he rolled up beside me. “What’s wrong?”
“We need to talk,” I said. “But not here. Can we meet somewhere after work?”
“Yeah, sure.” There was concern in his voice. “I’ll just let the guys know I’ll be a little late for practice.”
We were both quiet for the rest of the afternoon as we did our procedures. I had to admit the afternoon dragged without our usual banter and ridiculous small talk. I missed it a lot more than I thought I would. When I snuck a peek at Sawyer, he looked worse than I felt. I wondered what was going on inside his head.
***
When we got to the coffee shop on campus, I let out a sigh of relief that there were only a few other people milling around the place. It was a strange time for coffee, about four in the afternoon. I assumed everyone else was on their way home, probably thinking more about dinner than coffee.
“Cinnamon Dolce Latte?” Sawyer asked as we headed toward the front counter.
“You remembered.”
He frowned. “Haven’t you figured out yet that I remember everything about you?”
My heart sunk even further just thinking about what I was getting ready to talk to him about.
“I’ll get the coffees while you get us a table, okay?”
“Are you sure?” I wondered how he was going to manage two coffees with his manual wheelchair.
“I’m sure,” he said as he wheeled away.
I selected a table near the back of the place, away from the few other patrons who were seated closer to the front door. I moved one of the chairs to another table and then sat in the remaining chair. After a few minutes, Sawyer rolled over to our table. He was balancing a small tray with our two coffees on his lap. He placed them on the table and I took one of them from the tray.
“Thanks for the coffee,” I said as I held it up.
“You’re welcome.”
“And I forgot to thank you for today’s daisies. That’s very sweet. I actually look forward to my new flowers every day.”
“My pleasure. I look forward to the smile on your face when you see the flowers. Only today, the smile wasn’t really there. What’s up?”
I blew on the coffee then took a small sip. When I looked up at Sawyer, his expression looked pained. It made me wonder what he thought I was going to say.
“So, I had a conversation with Jude last night at the theater.”
I could see Sawyer’s jaw immediately tense on the mention of Jude’s name. “I told you that guy is an asshole.”
“You did. You also told me that he slept with your girlfriend behind your back. He said that wasn’t true. That you and Steffani were already broken up when he came into the picture.”
Sawyer’s expression changed again. Now he looked defeated. I knew at that moment he had lied to me. But why?
“I thought we were going to be honest with each other, Sawyer. I told you how much I hate it when people lie to me.”
I could see his eyes getting wet. He was doing his best to blink back tears. “I didn’t mean to lie to you, Maggs. I was lying to myself.”
I wasn’t sure what to say so I just let him continue.
“I didn’t want to admit that Steffani left me because of the accident, because she couldn’t handle my disability. I wanted someone else, something else, to blame it on. I guess blaming it on Jude made it easier to accept. That she left me for him made him the shitty one instead of me. But he’s right. She did dump me first. I just didn’t want to believe it. It took me a long time to accept that she was gone and not coming back. I thought she was going to change her mind and we’d get back together. But she never did.”
I rose. “I think I’d better go.” I could feel the pressure building inside me, like I was going to start balling at any moment. I didn’t want to cry in front of Sawyer but I wasn’t sure why.
Sawyer grabbed my arm. It was the first time he touched me and I was nearly undone by the energy that was sent racing through my body. I sat back down.
Our eyes locked and I never wanted to kiss someone more in my entire life. But I was also still mad as hell at him.
He was still holding my arm, staring into my eyes, when he asked, “Do you want to be with Jude?”
What the hell kind of question was that? I wasn’t sure how to respond. What girl doesn’t want to be with Jude? He should have asked if I wanted to be with him.
But he didn’t.
“I think you should,” he said.
“What?” My head was spinning out of control. It seemed to be happening a lot lately with these two guys, the pseudo brothers, who looked alike but were nothing like each other.
“I think you should go out with Jude.” I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of his mouth but his face was so serious.
“Why would you say that?” I could feel my voice starting to break. I thought he wanted me and now he was practically pushing me into the arms of another man. I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
He looked down at his hand, still wrapped around my wrist. He still hadn’t let me go. “I think you need to find a guy who’s not broken—someone whole.”
Tears starting streaming down my face but I did nothing to stop them. When Sawyer finally looked up at me again, a lone tear slid down his cheek, too.
I knew Sawyer wanted me. I knew he wanted to be with me. But maybe he wasn’t ready to accept me. Or maybe he was afraid of getting hurt. Maybe it was easier for him to cut his losses now rather than for us to start a serious relationship and for him to get
hurt even worse.
I didn’t like the assumption that if we got serious, I would just leave him, like Steffani did, or maybe there were other girls, too. I didn’t know. He never opened up to me and told me.
“You really want me to date other guys?” I asked, half hoping he would change his mind.
He didn’t. He nodded. “I really do.”
“Fine,” I agreed. “I will.”
“I just want you to be happy, Maggs. I want you to have everything you deserve. You deserve someone better than me.”
I wanted so much for him to take back his words but he didn’t. He let go of my arm instead.
***
Even though I knew deep down inside that Sawyer wasn’t going to contact me, I really wanted him to text me that night. I wanted things to be okay between us.
But I waited for nothing…there was no text. No I hope you have a good night, Maggs. Just silence.
And it was killing me.
***
The next day, when I went to the lab, my heart sunk when there were no daisies waiting for me. I felt like crying.
But I knew I had to be professional. This internship was too important to my future career. And obviously I wasn’t as important to Sawyer as I thought I was.
Or I was more important and he just couldn’t deal with it.
Reese approached with two coffees and set one down on the lab table in front of me.
“Hazelnut Macchiato,” he said. “Maggs? Is everything okay?”
I don’t know why it bothered me so much. I knew he was just calling me Maggs because he heard Sawyer say it. But that was the point. Only Sawyer called me Maggs. When Reese said it, it sounded like sand paper rubbing against a chalk board.
“Don’t call me that,” I snapped.
He looked like I’d just slapped his face. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.
“No one calls me that,” I said. Except Sawyer, but I wasn’t even sure that was true anymore. I tried to soften my tone. “Please call me Maggie.”
“Is everything okay, Maggie?” He made a point to emphasize my name.
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