by Rayna Stone
Kelly packed her things and transferred to Colorado State. Her back healed, but her wounds went far deeper. Her need to understand how she had become a victim was intense. She spent over three years working with a therapist to analyze the psychology of abuse. Eventually she just had to accept that her inexperience, immaturity, and responsiveness to certain elements of BDSM were like the perfect storm. Emotionally, she was no match for a manipulative and controlling man like Flynn. The central problem Kelly faced was wondering if she would ever be able to trust herself with a man again. She still felt like she should have been able to prevent herself from becoming so dependent on Flynn. From allowing him to actually strike her with his fist one moment and cradle her in his arms the next. She wasn’t raised in a bubble. She never even considered that she would become one of those women who couldn’t see how wrong and unhealthy her relationship was. Would she have tolerated the abuse if she had never been introduced to BDSM? Was she so submissive in nature that any dominant man would have the ability to overtake her mind the way Flynn had? And what was it about the bondage and pain play that she loved so much?
During her senior year, Kelly decided that she needed to learn about the principles behind dominance and submission. There was an entire community of people involved with BDSM on some level. They couldn’t all be in unhealthy and dangerous relationships. Kelly needed to connect with those people. If they found fulfillment through the lifestyle, then maybe there was a valid reason Kelly enjoyed elements of her life with Flynn.
That year Kelly met James and his partner and sub, Ryan. They were able to help her comprehend some of the psychology behind her behavior. They found numerous members of the community to talk with her about how much they loved pleasure pain, how painful stimuli could enhance sensitivity, and the endorphin response that naturally occurred during sex. She found the reasons people enjoyed bondage were limitless. Kelly realized that for her, being restrained made her feel more secure, more sure of Flynn’s love for her. It was similar to the way a lover’s embrace can make you feel that same security and love. She could release all her worries to him. She didn’t have to be perfect, didn’t have to make decisions or try to figure out what was expected of her. It was freeing to let someone else take the reins and make sure you didn’t fail. Unfortunately, Flynn used her emotional response to manipulate her. It wasn’t about love and pleasure for him. It was about control. That was where everything had gone wrong for her. She wasn’t capable of understanding the difference. She was nineteen and blinded by her first intimate relationship. Her complete ignorance of the lifestyle and her place within it made it nearly impossible for her to have protected herself from a man like Flynn.
James suggested she learn how Doms were trained, the way they were taught to honor their submissives. He believed that classes could help her see the many diverse ways people practiced the lifestyle. Then she could decide what she wanted for herself without the influence of a partner. Kelly decided to attend as many lectures and practical classes as she could. She wanted to drink in the psychological and technical practices that were employed.
As time went on, people began assuming that she was a Domme honing her skills and learning how to read a submissive’s needs. She never corrected that assumption because she found that she had become useful to the subs in those classes. She was able to help them figure out where they fit. When they wanted to try something like a flogger, she offered to top them. They could experience pain play without the stress of having a partner. It wasn’t a scene, it was strictly a learning experience.
For Kelly, she found that topping gave her a sense of security. She made all the decisions, and she was able to help others avoid abusive situations like she had experienced. By becoming a trainer, she was also able to avoid intimate relationships. She knew that she was ignoring her own problems, putting off determining exactly what kind of a submissive she was, but she was helping others and giving herself time to heal.
As Kelly pulled herself from the pool and flopped onto the cement, she realized just how many years had gone by. Twelve fucking years. She had been healing in some way or another for twelve goddamn years. She had never even tried to give life and love a chance. She went from just believing she’d be ready someday to giving up on moving on. When had that happened? When had training subs and giving up on a future for herself become acceptable? If she didn’t start trying, she’d never get what she really wanted in life. Flynn would have won. He’d still have her future. She wanted a man, and she wanted to feel again. She wanted Troy Davis.
Troy wouldn’t betray or overwhelm her. She had no idea if he was even interested in her, but maybe he would agree to help her break her mental blocks. Help her keep her fear at bay. Davis said he would never put her in a dangerous situation, and she’d watched him long enough to trust that he could be the top she needed. She would agree to stay away from the Denver clubs. He was right about that. She would only get in the way if he felt he needed to protect her. She knew he was busy with the case, but that might be a good thing. It would give her the time she needed to process any progress they made. Maybe if she let him read her old case file, and explained that she needed a top to give her the chance to reclaim her submissive side, hell, see if she even still had one, he would help. She just couldn’t imagine asking anyone else.
Chapter Three
Troy was finally able to sit back and relax. He’d been at the station talking to every relative and friend again, trying to find out if anyone knew of any contacts they could question in the BDSM community. It was not a pleasant experience. Parents were outraged, friends were shocked, and nobody would admit to knowing the victims were interested in the lifestyle. He would have really liked to have someone on the inside at the local clubs to help them out. Going undercover was always easier when you had a source.
The doorbell rang, and Troy closed his eyes. Damn. He was really not in the mood for visitors. Climbing out of his recliner seemed a little more difficult than it used to. He really hoped it was because the fucking chair was old and not him. Thirty-five was definitely not old enough to need one of those lift-assist chairs. His exhaustion was completely erased at the sight of the raven-haired surprise at his front door. He really wished she weren’t so damn hot. He’d have an easier time getting her out of his system if his dick could just get on board with the plan.
“Kelly, this is a surprise. Do you want to come in?” God, why did she look so scared? If he found out she was going to a club tonight he’d kill her. “Look, my decision about those clubs still stands. I don’t want you near them, do you understand? It isn’t safe, Kelly, this is a seriously dangerous guy.”
Sidestepping Troy and walking into his living room, Kelly placed a folder on his coffee table. She was white as a ghost and looked like she’d either pass out or be sick. What the fuck was going on?
“I’m not going to the clubs, Troy. Do you mind if I call you Troy?” When he shook his head, she continued. “I guess all of this has sort of forced me to look at what I’m doing with my life. It’s a bit of a long story, and I want you to have the facts before I get into it, but I was hoping you would read this file and consider working with this sub. I know you’re really busy, but you would determine the schedule. And she isn’t a slave, so you wouldn’t have to worry about lifestyle training. She’s only interested in scene submission. Exploring impact play and bondage…things like that. She really needs you, Troy. Just please read the file and call me when you’re ready.” With that, she hurried out of the house and to her car.
Again, what the fuck? And what did this have to do with Kelly? He didn’t have time to take on a sub, and he wasn’t looking to train. He wanted a real relationship. Was Kelly upping her game and taking on more difficult cases now? Jesus, the only time the woman of his dreams ever asks him for something and she wants him to train a sub for her. Great. How was he supposed to say no if he really was needed? Especially after all his anger over those victims needing a mentor and running into S
atan himself. Shit. Looked like he was in the mentoring business now. With a sigh, he picked up the folder and got down to the business of getting to know his new sub.
Holy God. Troy didn’t know what to feel. He was outraged that his woman had gone through such hell when she was so young. And she was definitely his woman. She had come to him, and he wasn’t letting her go or letting her down. He still needed information. Why was she a Domme? And what did she expect from him? Because he sure as hell was going to help her, but he wanted more than sex. She may not have realized it, but she’d just found the man who’d been waiting for her.
* * * *
Kelly had called James and Ryan over to Mac’s house. She needed their support to tell her friends about her past. Some people in the lifestyle would think she was a fraud. That she had been playing a Domme and deceiving those in her care. She didn’t believe her friends would be like that, but she was worried they would be upset she’d never confided in them. She was so nervous she was shaking. If Kat didn’t understand, she didn’t know what she’d do. This woman had become her sister. Kelly needed her support. Christ, she really hoped she didn’t make her cry. Anger she could take, tears tore her apart. Hurting Kat would be worse than facing her demons again. Especially since Kat had shared everything with her. She felt like such a shit for not letting her friend into her life in the same way.
James answered the door. “Are you sure about this, baby?”
“Yes. It’s time, James. Thank you so much for accepting my decisions for so long, but I need to do this. I need to heal.” Kelly placed her hand on his arm and watched as all the tension in his face drained away.
“Thank God. I was afraid you were going to close yourself off forever. We’re all going to be here for you, Kelly. Never doubt that.” He pulled her in for a hug and towed her into the living room where everyone was waiting.
Kat attempted to get up from the couch with little progress. She gave Kelly a “what can you do?” look and slumped back down. “What’s going on, Kel? This whole emergency meeting thing is a bit nerve-racking. James and Ryan have been tight lipped over here, so you better spill. Skip the pleasantries,” she demanded.
Right. Just get to it. That was best, anyway. “Okay, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think it’s time I told you guys about my past. I want to move on with my life, but I think I’m going to need your support. And hopefully your understanding.
Kelly proceeded to tell them everything from the way she was brought up right until she decided to open the club and train others in the lifestyle. She stumbled a bit when she recounted the abuse she had endured, and she stiffened her spine in defensiveness when she explained that being a Domme was a way to help others and still be a part of the lifestyle, but she told the whole story and felt a wave of relief when she was done.
“I wanted to tell you guys all of this because I’ve decided to take back my life. I’m hoping Davis will agree to top me. I’m not sure who I am or what I want anymore, but I know I want see if submitting can give me that sense of release again. I want to see if I can feel again. I trust Troy to help me push past my fears, but I need my friends as well. I’m so sorry if you feel I’ve betrayed your trust. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just didn’t know how to tell you. And honestly, it wasn’t until these poor women were killed that I started realizing I’m still alive. I’m alive and still giving my abuser power. I don’t want to do that anymore.” She was having a hard time getting that last bit out. She hadn’t been afraid of rejection since she was nineteen. Hadn’t let anybody close enough to care. These people were her family. A real family that didn’t care about appearances, they cared about each other. She couldn’t lose them.
Kelly chanced a look at Kat. She was still lounging on the couch, but she didn’t look pissed. She was contemplating something. Kelly decided to just wait her out. She’d said enough. “So, you’re a Domme that’s damn good at training, and a sexual submissive, right? There’s no betrayal there, you idiot. You are Mistress Kelly. Whether you continue to be or not doesn’t change the fact that some part of you is that woman. I’m not just kitten, I’m Kat as well. Not wanting to take an ad out in the local paper to explain your abuse or why you chose to become a Domme is not a betrayal. This is some serious shit, honey. You come to your friends with painful experiences like that in your own time. None of us were around back then. You had to deal with this on your own. I wish I could have been able to help you heal years ago, Kel, but I sure as hell don’t judge you for the decisions you made. You survived. None of us can imagine what you went through. If you’re at a place now where you want to explore your submissive side again, we’re here for you.” A little gleam lit Kat’s eyes. “Wait, does this mean we could be subbie buddies?” Kat’s whole face lit up, causing Kelly to snort out a laugh.
“‘Subbie buddies?’ No. Honestly, I have no idea how any of this will work, but if it makes you feel better, I know all the sub tricks in the book. You just let me know when Mac needs a smackdown, and we’ll have him begging for mercy.” Now Kat and Jay were smiling. Mac looked a little uneasy, but when he made eye contact with her, he gave her a wink. They were really going to be there for her. Kelly could not fucking believe she had tears in her eyes, but come on, her own family hadn’t been there for her when she needed them.
“Kelly, don’t you dare cry,” Jay warned. “You let one of those tears fall, and Kat’s going to be blubbering all over again. I mean it. You handle her if that happens. It is definitely not my fault this time. And if you seriously think we would abandon you, you need to look around, honey. We’re fucked up and we’re family. If you want to sub for sex, more power to you. We’re all still going to be a little terrified of you anyway.”
Kelly broke out into a huge smile. Yup, she’d made the right move. She’d be okay with this crew behind her. And they’d understand if she needed to realize her inner Domme at times. Because Kat was right, she had become dominant in some areas of her life. And she liked knowing that a lot. Sub or not, nobody would take over her life again. She was strong enough now to know what lines she wouldn’t cross. God, she hoped Troy accepted her offer. She was ready. And she wanted him.
Chapter Four
When Kelly got home, Troy was sitting on her front porch. Well, apparently her day wasn’t over yet. She was really hoping he was a slow reader. Maybe fell asleep halfway through. God, she did want to face this, but that didn’t mean it was easy. She’d had no idea what her next move would be if he turned her down. She just couldn’t imagine letting anyone else touch her, dominate her. Shit, maybe she’d moved too fast with this. He was going to go ballistic when he found out she couldn’t even let a guy touch her in a sexual manner. It’d be like trying to Dom a wild filly. Maybe he’d brought carrots with him? Shit, she was screwed.
“Hey, Troy. Want to come in?” She couldn’t help but be timid right now. Troy just nodded his head and stepped aside to let her open the door.
“We need to talk, Kelly.” He was making himself comfortable on her couch and patting the next seat for her to sit. She took the chair across from him and he huffed out a laugh. “Kelly, I need some more information than what was in those reports. I know it must have been a really traumatic experience, so I won’t go into the attack yet, but I need some history. I need to know what’s been going on since then.” Well, that made sense. She’d have been concerned about his ability to top her if he didn’t get some more facts about her. She nodded for him to continue.
“I also need to know what you expect from me. But this is going to be a two-way street, Kelly. I won’t begin this unless I get your agreement to some of my terms. We can negotiate scenes and how we want to proceed. I’ll do my best to ensure your needs are met, but I have needs of my own. If you aren’t willing to consider those, then this isn’t going to work.” She knew he’d have expectations. That was how a sexual D/s relationship was supposed to work. She was more than willing to see to his needs, provided she could physically get to th
e touching part.
She didn’t just want him to top her. It was imperative she be able to trust him enough to help her determine how far her submission went. She knew enough to know that anyone could take the control. She wanted to be able to give it. If she couldn’t do that, she had little hope of ever having a real relationship with him. God, she hoped he might want that someday. She was still too nervous to talk to him, so she just nodded again. Jesus, words would be nice, Kel. Get your shit together.
“I don’t want a D/s agreement or contract. This will not begin and end at the club. If you want me to top you, it will be a part of a real relationship between us. I want honesty and commitment from you in and out of the bedroom.” Troy was staring at Kelly’s blank face. This would be where those words could be handy. He wanted all that now? When she still had so much shit to work through and he was hunting down a serial killer?
“Troy, I hadn’t really considered you would want a real relationship from me yet. It’s not that I’m not interested in you. Actually, the idea is really appealing to me. But you need to know that I haven’t let a man touch me since the attack. Well, not in any intimate way, at least. I’m still a virgin, for God’s sake. Flynn never had sex with me. He was waiting. I haven’t been able to even think about a sexual relationship until now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to give you what you need. In fact, I never dated anyone but Flynn. I don’t even know how to do that. What if I’m completely defective when it comes to emotional commitments, too? This could be a disaster.” There. Maybe now he’d understand that this might not be such an easy endeavor. She couldn’t even discuss it without sounding like a five-year-old. In fact, she was pretty sure she hadn’t felt this inadequate since she was five. God, this was embarrassing.
