Or me, Mitchell thought as he shoveled a spoonful of beans into his mouth. But he couldn’t help worrying about what he’d tell Carlyn about her dog when he saw her next if he couldn’t find Asher once the sun came up. And he did intend to see her again whether he found the dog or not.
21
Carlyn pushed open her eyes when she heard the bell. She jerked up, fearful the sound signaled another fire. It couldn’t be morning already, but daylight crept through the windows to prove it was. The bell demanded she get out of bed, but all she wanted to do was lie back, pull the cover over her head, and block out the day.
The night before, she’d lain awake for too many hours with thoughts and wonderings bombarding her. Who was responsible for the fire? If the Ministry had known about the argument between Brother Henry and Curt, would Brother Henry still be alive? Why hadn’t Sister Edna reported it to them? Who was the other man? The one regretting his deal with Curt.
If she had taken the other path, the proper path back to the garden, she would have heard nothing. Then the fire very well might still have been set. Brother Henry might very well have perished with his horses, but there wouldn’t be the unsavory cloud of suspicions settling down over the village like the lingering smoke from the fire. No one would have known about the argument. And she would not have seen Curt.
That didn’t mean she wouldn’t still be tormented by the thought of Brother Henry trapped in the fire with those poor horses. If she lived to be a hundred she would never forget that sound. But Curt Whitlow would have never entered her mind. She would have had no reason to worry about her own safety there in the village.
Sheriff Brodie said she still did not, but Sheriff Brodie wasn’t at the Shaker village. He was miles away in the town. With Asher. Oh, how nice it would be to have Asher here by the bed, nudging her with his nose. How nice to never have had a war to tear Ambrose away from her. How nice to know what to believe.
Believe in the Lord. That was what her mother would tell her. She’d remind Carlyn that the Lord was the beginning and the end. If she wanted answers, that was where to go. But what if he won’t answer? She was a little child again at her mother’s knee.
“He always answers,” her mother had told her. “But sometimes we must wait for the answer and sometimes we refuse to hear the answer because it’s not the answer we want.”
“But doesn’t he want to give us good answers?”
“Assuredly. God is love. But he sees the whole woven fabric of our lives and not simply the few threads we are trying to twine together at the moment. Good and bad weave into the pattern of our lives. Together they make us strong and able to endure whatever must be endured.”
Carlyn didn’t remember now what childish problem she might have had then, but she did remember her mother’s hand soft on her head as she told her to pray about whatever it was. If she were with her on this day, she’d tell her the same. That was her mother’s answer to any need. Pray until an answer comes. Continually pull the rope on the bell that prayer rings in the Lord’s ear.
So when she heeded the Shaker bell to rise as she must, she knelt by her bed for the morning’s prayer. Many mornings she knelt without purpose other than to satisfy the Shaker rules, but this morning a prayer rose from her heart.
Lord, if there be answers I need, supply them and open my ears to hear them.
She stayed perfectly still for a moment as though she expected the answers to whisper through her thoughts immediately. No answer came. Instead it was as if she were with Sister Edna demanding that she not whisper words just for the sake of making noise, but to pull from within her what she wanted most to know.
The other sisters in the room had finished their morning prayers and were getting dressed, but Carlyn continued to kneel by her bed as she opened her heart to the Lord. She’d prayed that way before, entreating the Lord on behalf of Ambrose. But then she’d never been able to surrender the answer to the Lord. She didn’t want to listen to any answer other than the one she begged for, even demanded from the Lord. Perhaps he would have already sent her an answer if she had stopped making demands and simply listened.
“Forgive me, Lord. I will listen. Guide me to the answers I need.” She whispered the words under her breath and got to her feet.
She stripped off her nightgown and jerked on her dress, sure that at any second Sister Edna would be haranguing her for being so slow with her prayers. Patience was not one of Sister Edna’s gifts. She wanted things done promptly and on schedule. Prayers were to be said in the time allotted. Food eaten without dawdling. Work done well, but with efficiency. Any lapses were to be confessed with alacrity.
Carlyn’s fingers fumbled with the tie of her apron. She took a deep breath to steady her hands. If she got an earful from Sister Edna, then she would simply endure it. She managed the proper bow with her apron strings and stuffed her barely combed hair up under her cap as she shoved her feet into her shoes. It wasn’t until she turned to line up with the other sisters to begin their morning chores before the morning meal that she noted the odd silence in the room.
While Sister Edna continually cautioned them against idle chatter, they rarely stayed completely silent as they readied themselves for the coming day. But now they were not only quiet, but appeared discomfited as well.
Sister Berdine stepped to the side and pointed toward Sister Edna. The sister was still in her nightgown as she knelt beside her bed. Carlyn couldn’t see her face, but there was no doubt she was in an attitude of prayer. And even less doubt that seeing her thus while those in her charge were dressed and ready for her to hurry them out the door to begin their chores had left those charges speechless.
Sister Alice recovered her voice first, but she kept it low. “Sisters, let us be about our chores before the morning meal and not disturb our sister in her prayers.”
Sister Edna spoke then, but kept her eyes on the wall beside her bed. “Yea, do as Sister Alice instructs. I will join you in due time.” Her voice carried a tone of irritation with their dawdling, the same as any other morning.
With a quick glance at Sister Edna, the two youngest sisters who had kitchen duty scooted out the door. The other sisters followed behind them to clean rooms on the brethren’s side of the house. With a little shrug of her shoulders, Sister Berdine shot Carlyn a sympathetic look before she left.
Carlyn’s morning duty was sweeping their own sleeping room, so she was stuck in the room with Sister Edna. Carlyn had no idea what Sister Edna’s duty was. Perhaps to climb to the top of the stairs and keep watch for wrong actions. Carlyn had seen her at the top of the steep stairs to the upper storage rooms more than once. The attic windows gave a good view of the village paths. It appeared there was no place to hide in the Shaker village.
But then nobody had seen whoever set the fire in the night. Darkness had hidden that evil.
Carlyn straightened her bedcovers and gathered the dirty clothing to carry to the laundry room, but first she needed to sweep every inch of the sleeping room. Sister Edna was continually telling them that good spirits couldn’t live where there was even an iota of dirt. Carlyn took down the broom from one of the wall pegs. She tried to keep her eyes from Sister Edna’s bed, but it was impossible not to be aware of the woman kneeling there.
Carlyn began sweeping at the back of the room, shifting aside each bed equipped with rollers to make the job easier. The broom straws against the wooden floor, a natural sound she normally would not have even noticed, sounded loud this morning. Everything felt strange without Sister Edna pointing out each speck of dirt she missed.
The woman had to be sick or perhaps unable to rise from her knees after kneeling so long. Hadn’t Carlyn’s knees felt numb earlier? The woman’s pride might keep her from asking for help. Carlyn shifted aside another bed, swept under it, and pushed it back into place. The rollers rumbled against the floor. But that didn’t keep her from hearing Sister Edna’s sorrowful sigh.
Carlyn smoothed the covers on Sister Berdine’s b
ed. She never got all the wrinkles out of her top cover. Another sigh that was almost a groan. Perhaps the Holy Spirit was praying for Sister Edna with unuttered words. But then, what if she was in pain and simply too prideful to ask Carlyn’s help?
The room was only half swept, but Carlyn hung the broom on a peg. She could hardly get in any worse graces with Sister Edna. So if the older sister chased Carlyn away with pointed words, naught would be different in their relationship.
Even so, Carlyn stopped a few paces from Sister Edna and wished the broom back in her hands. What could she say to her? But the woman still wore her nightgown and the bell signaling the morning meal would sound at any moment. With her shoulders hunched over the bed, Sister Edna looked a different woman. Not so formidable. Even so, Carlyn couldn’t imagine her desiring help from one so newly from the world. At times, Sister Edna had acted as though merely being close to Carlyn was reason to ask forgiveness for worldliness.
Carlyn pulled in a deep breath for courage and forced out the words. “Sister Edna, it is almost time for the morning meal.” She practically tiptoed the rest of the way to the end of the woman’s bed and peered at her.
A tear rolled down one of Sister Edna’s cheeks and fell off her chin to make a damp spot on her gown. She didn’t turn her head to look at Carlyn. “Prayers take precedence over food.”
“Yea.” Carlyn didn’t know what else to say as she fingered her apron. Sister Edna looked older and more fragile without the armor of her Shaker dress. Her gray hair, always covered with a bonnet, was wispy and barely covered her scalp, and the skin on her neck was creased with age.
“Prayer takes precedence over chores as well, but as you don’t appear to be praying, you’d best be about finishing your morning work.” Irritation was plain in Sister Edna’s voice.
That put Carlyn more at ease. This Sister Edna she knew. So she stayed where she was. “I’m almost finished. Except for under your bed.” When the woman didn’t say anything, Carlyn went on. “Do you need help getting up? My knees sometimes go numb when I kneel too long.”
“Then you should pray more to toughen them up.” Sister Edna did look at Carlyn then. “My knees have prayer calluses. I could kneel this way all day.”
“Yea, well . . .” Carlyn started to turn away, but hesitated. She didn’t know why, but she couldn’t simply finish her chores and go out of the room. Not and leave the woman alone. Something was wrong with her whether she would admit it or not. “But you know Sister Marie. She’s bound to need some help finishing her chores. And I might miss a rumple in one of the beds. Your eyes are better at seeing the proper way of things.”
Carlyn couldn’t believe she was actually asking for Sister Edna’s criticisms, but instead of her words encouraging the sister to be up and about her duties, Sister Edna dropped her head back down.
“I have seen too much.” Her voice was low and sad.
Carlyn didn’t know what to say. “Should I go get Eldress Lilith?”
“Nay.” Sister Edna repeated the word with vehemence. “Nay. I can’t talk to her or the Ministry until I am sure.”
“If you think that best,” Carlyn murmured even as she remembered wondering if Brother Henry would have died in the fire if Sister Edna had reported the argument Carlyn had witnessed to those leaders. She stepped between the beds and touched Sister Edna’s shoulder, and even though Sister Edna was not being her normal self, it surprised Carlyn when she jumped. But then, Carlyn didn’t know that she’d ever touched the woman. Sister Edna always seemed to stand apart, coming near only to jerk a collar straighter or point out a wisp of hair escaping a cap.
It was Carlyn’s turn to be startled when Sister Edna reached up and grabbed her hand. Carlyn managed not to jerk her hand free.
“Perhaps I do need help,” Sister Edna said as she moved to stand.
Carlyn pulled her up. When the woman wobbled as though her legs were giving way, Carlyn put an arm around her and helped her turn to sit on the bed. The woman was very thin, something else her Shaker dress concealed.
“I did not think to get so old so quickly.” Sister Edna let out a sigh as she stared straight in front of her.
“You’re just feeling bad this morning. You’ll feel better soon.”
Sister Edna turned her eyes on Carlyn. “Empty words that mean nothing. You cannot know what troubles me and so you offer words as useless as a velvet hammer.”
“You are right, Sister Edna. I am useless. Let me go find Eldress Lilith.” Carlyn started to turn away from the bed, but Sister Edna grabbed her hand again.
“Nay. There are things I am not sure of as yet.” She dropped Carlyn’s hand and gripped her own hands in her lap. “I have ever been sure of things. Of the best way. But now I cannot know. I need to know.”
The bell began to ring signaling the morning meal. Carlyn made no move toward the door, but Sister Edna must have sensed her urge to follow the demand of the bell. “Go. Eat.”
“Nay, I am not hungry.” Carlyn stayed beside the bed in spite of her stomach growling.
Sister Edna almost smiled. “You do have a loose attachment to the truth, Sister Carlyn.”
“I have often skipped meals,” Carlyn said.
“Yea, that is why you came to us, is it not? For sustenance and security. It is plain to see that you have little interest in the Shaker way.”
“I listen.”
“Or pretend to, but you do not want to believe.”
Sister Edna didn’t sound irritated as she usually did when pointing out Carlyn’s lackings as a Shaker novitiate. Instead she sounded as though whether or not Carlyn accepted the Shaker beliefs no longer mattered to her. Still, Carlyn tried to explain. “Your worship is much different from what I always knew at church.”
“Work is worship.” Sister Edna nearly lapsed into one of her Shaker sermons, but then seemed to catch herself. “That you may learn someday, but now, if you are not going to eat, stop towering over me. Sit down.”
Carlyn gingerly sat down on the bed beside Sister Edna. She knew nothing to say, but Sister Edna didn’t need Carlyn’s words.
“I can barely remember the time before I came to the village and became a Believer,” Sister Edna said.
“But you said you had a family. A husband.”
“It is true. I did have the sin of matrimony to overcome.”
“Why do you think of marriage as sin?” Carlyn wasn’t sure she should ask that, but it was the part of the Shaker life she least understood. It didn’t bother her that the Shakers danced and spun with the fire of the spirit. It didn’t bother her that they shared all in common. That seemed to work well in their village. But she couldn’t understand why they couldn’t have families as Carlyn thought the Bible ordered. Go and be fruitful. Cleave unto your wife. Wasn’t that what the Lord ordered? “I always thought it a blessing to find a person to share life with.”
“Did you find it such? With your husband in the world?” Sister Edna stared at Carlyn.
“I did. We were going to grow old together.”
“And now you have many sisters and brothers to share life with.”
“It’s not the same,” Carlyn said. “Did you not love your husband?”
“I found marriage tedious.”
“Even in the beginning days of your union together?” Carlyn asked.
“That was so long ago, I cannot remember.”
“Had you no children?”
“Yea, that I do remember. With sadness. Three. One gone at birth, two buried before they were six. Fevers. God’s way of turning me to the Shaker way, the same as with Mother Ann. She lost four babies in England. That’s when the Lord directed her to separate from the world and lead us to love all only as brethren and sisters. Such it is in heaven, and our villages are sweet spots of heaven on earth.” Her voice trailed off.
Then after a weary sigh, she began talking again. “At least that is what I always thought. If everyone followed the rules and stayed united in spirit and purpose, all would
be well. Over the years, I took on the duty of seeing, of watching to be sure the Shaker way stayed pure. Those who transgress have no place in our Society. Or so I thought . . .”
“Everybody makes mistakes,” Carlyn said.
“Yea, and those sins are to be confessed. Forgiveness is possible. Correction is necessary. Perfection is possible when one follows the rules.”
“I don’t think I could ever be perfect.”
“But a true Shaker can be. It is my duty to show sisters like you the Shaker path and then watch to be sure you do not slip back into the sinful ways of the world.” Sister Edna grasped Carlyn’s arm as though holding her away from sin even as they sat on the bed together. “And now those of the world have come among us, poisoning us with the vipers of sin.”
“You mean those who set the fire?”
“That and all that followed. And went before. The argument you heard. The lawman coming with his questions. He is insistent on finding answers whether we want them found or not.”
“Why wouldn’t you want the answers found?”
“Some answers are hard for one’s ears to hear. You found that true in the world before you came into the village, did you not?”
“Yea. But I think I’d rather know the answers than to forever wonder.”
“You speak of your husband who went to war and didn’t return.” Sister Edna breathed out a sigh. “The sheriff would like for you to know that answer as well. Your good looks have tempted him.”
“Nay,” Carlyn said quickly, but she knew it was true. Sheriff Brodie did look at her with favor. “He is merely a friend.”
“Again you skirt the truth, Sister Carlyn. Not only is he tempted by you, but I fear you are tempted by him.”
“Nay,” Carlyn said again.
“Time will tell if you will withstand the temptation and pick up your cross and become a proper Believer. Now fetch me my dress. Enough of shirking our duties of the day. We must put our hands to work.” As Sister Edna stood up, she squared her shoulders as though preparing for combat. Perhaps to battle against sin. “The truth will out. Whatever the result, the truth will out.”
The Innocent Page 18
