Leavesly

by Reni Huang

  “If only people were that easy to figure out.”

  “Yeah,” he agreed. “But don’t confuse God with people. God is constant, unchanging. You can count on Him always.”

  “But how do you know that?”

  “Are you questioning your faith in God?”

  Julia shrugged, “I just don’t know if believing in God merely based on a childlike faith is enough for me anymore. I wish there was proof, you know?”

  Wynn sat back considering that. “The Bible does praise a child’s faith because of the willing eagerness to believe and accept,” he began thoughtfully. “But I don’t think we’re meant to stay at the stage forever.”

  “Oh, like when the Bible talks about Christians needing to move from milk to solid food?” Julia said, remembering she heard a sermon about that once.

  “Yeah, exactly, meaning that childlike faith needs to mature into a deeper understanding of who God is.”

  “’Mature’ as in discover how hard life can be?” Julia laughed hollowly.

  Wynn shrugged, “Well, most of the time a person’s faith grows stronger only after going through a difficult period. I think it’s because only after coming out of it do you see how trustworthy God is. So that childlike faith is able become a stronger tested-faith.”

  “So I guess I won’t know until after I come out the other end of the dark tunnel?”

  “But it’ll be worth it.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I’ve been there.”

  “You’ve struggled?”

  “Present tense.”

  “But if you’re struggling now, how can you be so confident?”

  “I’ve struggled with who God is for a long time. I’ve always wondered, if I hadn’t been born into a family where my dad was a pastor, and I hadn’t grown up in the church, would I still be a Christian?”

  “And?”

  “And the answer is yes. Sometimes I get so frustrated with Christians, and church, and religion. There seems to be so many hypocrites. People and situations can be so disappointing.”

  “So what changed?”

  “I realized people are imperfect. This world we live in is imperfect.”

  “But not God?”

  “No, not God. I think it’s hard for us to see that, to understand that sometimes because He’s so misrepresented by us, Christians, the church. The world looks at us and expects to see God. But instead of seeing Him, they see all our faults, our weaknesses, our sin. And they think God is this way too. Full of flaw.”

  “But He’s not?”

  “Look at this world He created for us. The intricate details invisible to the human eye, before microscopes we didn’t even know they existed. Imagine all the things we have yet to discover. And on the flip side, the grandeur of creation, of the depths of the ocean, or the unreachable expanse of the universe, places and galaxies our astronauts have yet to explore or even phantom. Who are we to even think we can compare ourselves to God? Or to judge Him, our Creator?”

  “But how can I trust Him when I doubt?”

  “He is faithful, Julia. With every breath He gives you, with every day that the sun rises and the universe holds together, He is proving to us that He is constant. We don’t deserve any of the goodness He gives us. But He still does, faithfully.”

  “But I’m hurting so badly. My parents, they’re separated. I haven’t even told Lexi or Ellie yet because it’s just so … sad. I mean, they were never the best parents, or had the ideal marriage, but they’re my parents. Where’s God’s faithfulness in this?”

  “Julia, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “But you have to know God didn’t cause your parents to separate. We are all given a free will. He gave us the freedom to make decisions for our own lives. He’s not going to betray that and all of a sudden turn us into robots and “make” us do anything against our will.”

  “But He can change hearts.”

  “Yes, He can. But He works that change through us when we’re willing participants. Ask God to give you wisdom when you talk to your parents. Try to shed light to them on how their marriage is a covenant and worth fighting for. Pray God will soften their hearts so that they can understand and accept what you’re saying. We’re His tools, right? He works through us to make changes. But He would be a hypocrite if He just stepped in and snapped His fingers and took away your parents’ ability to make decisions for themselves.”

  “I see what you’re saying.”

  “You know what is sad?”

  “What?”

  “How people make bad decisions for their own lives. Then when things fall apart, they blame God.”

  “Do you think I did something wrong to have this happen?”

  “No, I’m not talking about you. I mean, all our decisions affect not only ourselves but the people around us. That’s why our world is in so much chaos. People hurting themselves, hurting each other. Our past mistakes influencing our present decisions, it can be a really bad cycle. And in all of this God is here, just waiting for us to turn to Him. He can guide us out of these hurts, these bad situations. But too many times, instead of turning to Him, we blame Him.”

  “That is sad.”

  “But the good news is, God is more powerful than our sin. When we do submit ourselves to Him, He can make incredible, impossible changes in our lives.”

  “We can make the bad cycle stop.”

  “With God’s help, yes.”

  Leaning back, he took a drink of his coffee and joked nonchalantly, “you must be filling up stacks of journals writing down all these deep thoughts.”

  “Actually, no,” she laughed. “You kind of killed it for me.”

  “Me?” Wynn sat up and feigned a shocked expression, “How?”

  “I can’t write in my journal anymore. It feels unsafe. Letting all those dark private thoughts lie around defensive to probing eyes on the prowl?” she teased him. “I wouldn’t dare.”

  “You have to continue writing in your journals.”

  “Why?”

  His grin turned mischievous. “How else will I know how the story ends?”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “Hi, Willow,” Julia greeted her classmate as she slide in the empty seat next to her. She had arrived a little early for her Journalism class and was not too surprised to find it already half full. Most of the students in her writing classes tended to be the same ones from the previous quarter. She was beginning to notice that they were all there because they were serious about the craft. From the peer-critique groups, Julia was also quickly learning that her classmates were also very talented, and she tried not to let that intimidate her.

  Promptly at nine, Professor Green strode to the front of the room and began lecturing. “The sole purpose of a journalist is to share the events happening around them to the rest of the world. You have to interact with your surroundings, to be curious and intuitive of what others want to know more about.”

  Theoretically, Julia would’ve thought her personality would be perfect for journalism. After all, she has always been more of an observer, preferring to sit on the sidelines and make commentaries on everyday happenings rather than being the one to create history.

  But she’d been wrong.

  “Your next assignment,” her professor continued, “Is to go out and uncover an original story. I challenge you to find and interview someone with a unique and compelling experience.”

  Next to her Willow was already hard at work, comprising a long list of questions to ask her interview subject. Glancing around, it seemed like most of her classmates knew how they were going to approach this assignment by the way they busily jotted down ideas.

  Julia stared out the window and sighed.

  * * *

  Staten Lighthouse seemed to be the appropriate place to run to. Leaning her bike against the fence, she walked up to the top of the lighthouse and looked out into the panoramic view before her. She knew wi
thout a doubt that God existed. Just looking at all of creation was proof enough. And her soul longed for Him. It cried out, dried up, parched, for His healing life-giving blood to wash over her pain, her grieving, her brokenness like a balm.

  “I’m sorry I doubted. I’m sorry I ran away,” she whispered into the wind that blew fiercely from the tall height of the open balcony. She brushed back her long black hair as it whipped about her face.

  God, I need You.

  Everything is falling apart.

  I can’t go on, not on my own.

  * * *

  Back at her dorm room, Julia flipped open her laptop and stared at the blank screen, uninspired. Who was she supposed to interview? Unenthusiastically, she made a list of possible candidates to interview but lacked the motivation to think up any interesting questions to ask.

  Frustrated, Julia flopped on her bed and stared up at the ceiling.

  God, please help me.

  I don’t know what to do about my interview assignment.

  She lay there feeling sorry for herself when her cell phone rang.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Lia, it’s Chloe!”

  Julia sat up and brightened instantly. “Chloe, how are you?”

  “Okay, I guess. Sorry to be bugging you like this, but I miss you. Church isn’t the same with you.”

  “I’ve missed you too,” she said and it wasn’t until she said those words out loud that she realized how true that was.

  “So I know this is super last minute, but our youth group is going to visit the Homeless Shelter again this weekend. And I was wondering if you’d come with us?”

  A smile spread across her face. “Of course I will.”

  * * *

  Before today, if someone had told her God still spoke to people in a very clear personal way, she would’ve been tempted to be skeptical. But it was undeniable. She had asked for a favor and He led her right to the solution as clearly as if He had spoken out loud and said, “Here you go, Julia. You asked, and you shall receive.”

  The Homeless Shelter looked the same as she remembered, but the youth group kids were different. They seemed more comfortable interacting with the people there. Julia was standing next to Chloe scooping mashed potatoes and green beans on plates, keeping an eye out for a girl with her shoes, when Barb Johns came to pour a second round of food into their serving trays.

  “Barb, have you seen Julie around lately,” she asked her, unable to keep her mind off the girl who shared her name.

  The crestfallen expression on Barb’s face the moment the girl’s name was mentioned was all the answer Julia needed. A sorrow so deep and unexpected filled her soul. Did she die alone? Where is her soul now? The thoughts plagued her mind. Should she have said something the last time she had seen her at the park? She had hoped giving Julie her shoes would be enough of a sign that God loved her.

  Instead regret filled Julia. She had hoped that actions would speak louder than words. But she wasn’t so sure it was true this time. Sometimes the words needed to be said. Her efforts in showing God’s love through a kind gesture hadn’t been enough. She didn’t explain that God is more than just a nice guy. He also saves.

  After the last plate was served and the tables cleaned, Barb approached Julia, and she knew instantly who she wanted to interview. After explaining her assignment to the lady who founded this shelter with her husband, Barb agreed to help her out by answering some questions.

  “How long have you and Kent been serving at this Homeless Shelter?” Julia asked Barb once they settled down at one of the tables in the nearly empty room. She had pulled out a notebook from her knapsack, but wished she had brought along a recorder.

  “Hm,” Barb said, leaning back in her chair. “I think we’re coming up on the eighteenth year.”

  “Wow, almost two decades, how did God first bring you to this ministry?”

  “Kent and I were graduate students at AVU, and we were attending Aosta Verde Church and went with them on their outreach mission to a Homeless Shelter. The first time we volunteered, it wasn’t at this location. It was in a different section of downtown San Diego, on the other side of Balboa Park. And it was being run by a local church there.”

  “Is that shelter still operating?”

  “No, they had several hard hits of vandalism, which I’ve never understood. Why would someone want to harm an organization that was there to help people? Unfortunately, one morning a church member who was opening the shelter found a sleeping bag left outside the building. Inside was a dead body. The police came by. After running some investigation, they found out the incident was gang-related and had nothing to do with the shelter. But it was just too much for the volunteers. Soon after that the shelter closed down.”

  “That’s pretty intense.”

  “Yeah, but by that time Kent and I had become friends with some of the regulars who came by the shelter. We knew it was going to be a tough road. But after a couple months of prayer and discussion, we agreed to open up a shelter to continue the ministry.”

  “Have you faced similar difficulties as the previous shelter?”

  “Not as bad. Kent thinks the previous shelter might have been within the borders of one of the gang’s turf. That was one of the reasons why we chose a different location. But this definitely is not one of those ministries where you get to see the fruits of your labor. The people that come by here are jaded. Most of them have given up hope, or are so entrenched in different addictions, that they rarely make it back on their own feet.”

  “How do you keep going, morale-wise?”

  “We had to consciously remind ourselves that we’re doing this for God, and for no other reason. There is no glory for all the sacrifices we’ve had to make with this ministry. If anything, the cost has out-weighed any worthwhile reason to go on. But we know this is bigger than what we have to offer. It’s our way of being obedient to God, to be His hands and feet to these people that everyone else has given up on.”

  “Do you ever wish God had called you to do something else?”

  Barb laughed. “Sometimes,” she confessed. “Without God, the burden would be unbearably heavy. But how can we turn away? When God asked ‘whom shall I send?’ The answer is: ‘Send me.’ Although sometimes I wish I could say ‘um, not this time, maybe later’ or ‘send someone else.’ But I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  She looked thoughtfully at Julia then said, “He has completely ransomed me, bought me at a high price, when I was worth nothing. I owe Him everything. I have nowhere to go except to run after Christ, to follow where He leads me.”

  Julia frowned. “It doesn’t sound like you have much of a choice.”

  “I do have a choice. We all have the choice. But I choose Jesus. It’s not that I’m forced into a life that I don’t want, but rather He’s given me a higher calling. It’s hard, and it’s terrifying at times. I can choose to follow it, or I can choose to ignore it. But honestly, my life wouldn’t be worth living unless I was doing the will God set out for me. Does that make sense?”

  She considered this. “I guess if you were completely sold out for Christ, it makes complete sense.”

  “Exactly,” Barb smiled.

  “So,” Julia continued, trying to organize her thoughts. “Can you tell me some high points that you’ve experienced over the years?”

  “We’ve definitely felt God’s protection and provision over the years. One example is this lady from our church helped us start up our own garden so that we can grow our own fruits and vegetables. This really helped us cut down our costs. And she was definitely a God-send because neither Kent nor I have a green thumb! Our garden has grown over the years. We’ve even taught some of our regulars how to help us tend it, which is just really great. I think they need a sense of responsibility and self-worth, and it’s pretty amazing how something as simple as a garden can offer that.”

  “That’s really neat. So, what would you like to see happen through your ministry
?”

  “Kent and I have been concerned that in recent years we’ve noticed more and more young people on the streets. Some of them are running away from abusive homes, some are orphans who are tired by being mistreated through in the Foster Home program.”

  “Mistreated by the families they are placed with?”

  “Yes, sometimes. As statistics go, most couples serious in adopting a child to love and raise are looking for infants. Unfortunately this means that older orphans get stuck in this system where they are sometimes used as a way for people to get child support money, but that money rarely is used to provide for their needs.”

  “That’s so sad.”

  “It is. We’re not sure how we fit in with God’s plan, what kind of role we’re supposed to play. But we definitely feel called to do something.”

  “Do you ever feel like your efforts are just not enough?”

  Barb looked at her intently. “All the time,” she admitted somberly. “In and of ourselves, we just can’t save everyone. The lives that they’re running from, the harm that they’ve inflicted on others, the pain that has been afflicted on them, it all runs so deep. Our shelter feeds them, and we try to help in small ways here and there. But most days, it just doesn’t seem like enough.”

  “So how do you handle it?”

  “We faithfully do our part, as small as it is. Then we just have to entrust the rest to God. We can’t carry this load on our own. We can’t reach into people’s hearts and minds and make decisions for them. We can’t transform them. But God can.”

  “So do you regularly talk to them about God and salvation?”

  “We did a lot at first. At one point, Kent and I wanted to make Bible reading and prayer time a requirement for receiving food. But then we realized that belief and faith can’t be forced on someone. We’re all given a free will to make decisions on our own. And as much as it pains us to see people continually make wrong choices, it’s not our place or responsibility to correct them. They don’t want our help in that way. So it just becomes counterproductive, and a very heavy and unnecessary burden for us to bear.”

  “I just wish there was something we could do, you know, to change their circumstance.”