Like he even cared about that at all. I heard something crash to the floor.
“That’s the lamp. And if you don’t show your face, I’m going to start tossing things you really like.”
I did a mental inventory of the things that I had in the living room that I was willing to sacrifice. The lamps were fine. But my secondhand handheld game device was a favorite. And I knew when the Pokemon game wasn’t saved properly to the cloud, there was no way to get your progress back. And I had some shiny silver monsters on there.
I was playing a game with myself, like he wouldn’t find me. He would. The more he waited, the bigger his fury got. I inched out of my hiding spot and made my way to the hallway, hand still on my doorframe, like I had choices still.
When he spotted me, his eyes were so angry it was like they were vibrating. His neck veins pulsed like he was being electrocuted.
“Havin’ fun playing hide-and-seek, son?”
Maybe something at Tapps had happened that had started him off. I’d never know anything but how it ended when either my father’s rage or his buzz had worn thin. It was taking longer and longer for that to happen.
And tonight, he slipped off his belt. “When I call, you come. That’s the rules. And if telling you won’t work…” I knew the answer to that sentence. “Beating it into you will.”
He’d never done the belt before. It was always hands. There was no empathy in his face—just a focus on the leather and the buckle that glistened. He stepped on the broken glass of the lamp to move toward me.
The belt and the glass were in my immediate future. My primal brain reacted before I could make a plan. I was scared. I didn’t want to know what the belt he now snapped felt like on my skin. I sprinted back to my room and shut the door. It had a flimsy bedroom lock, but I turned it anyway. He was behind the door like a villain, chuckling when he got to the knob and tried to twist it. I had one impulse, escape. And my brain flipped back to when I saved Fat Asshole. It had been a disaster, but it was the only option I saw now. Dad was scrambling for the key that was above my doorfame in the hallway.
I put my hands on the windowsill and pulled my legs through one at a time. I tested the strength of the metal ramp. It would work. I huffed across the ramp, not looking down. I was standing in Pixie’s room, lights on full. I heard my father’s howl of rage when he got into my room. I slapped Pixie’s light off and peeked across the way as he ripped open my closet door.
My name echoed in the alley below and was whispered from Pixie’s bed at the same time.
I put my finger to my lips, but kept watching Dad. He went to the window. The only obvious place I could’ve gone.
I watched his rage detonate in his eyes. He wasn’t getting the release he wanted—hitting me.
I stepped a bit closer. The space between us made me bold. He couldn’t hit me from where he was. He acted as if he was briefly considering trying the ramp but then looked up and shook his head. That motion took him off balance.
I heard the bed behind me creak as Pixie got up. Next, she was winding her fingers in mine. I took a peek at her face.
She was so much older in her eyes than anyone else I knew. Even our parents. She tipped her chin up and glared at my father. In that moment I knew that she’d do anything for me. I glanced back, watching my father read the situation. Her presence in our altercation was tipping the balance of power. He took a deep, heaving breath before plastering a fake grin on his face. He gave us a partial finger wave, like this was the drop-off at school and it was totally normal for a seventh grade boy to teeter across a ramp five stories up. And not having just whipped me into a panic at the sight of him taking off his belt.
When he dipped out of our line of vision, Pixie pulled on my hand and led me to her bed. She didn’t let go as I sat.
Quietly, she murmured, “Are you hurt again? Do you need ice?”
I shook my head once and peered at her floor. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. To know this happened to me, but Pixie made it feel okay that she knew.
“Okay. My door’s locked. You can stay here tonight. Then we’ll face tomorrow together.” She let go of my hand and dug around in her closet for an extra blanket. She handed me a teddy bear that was just about pillow size. She got under her sheets and covers, and then I lay next to her on top of her bedspread. Then I spread my blanket over me.
I faced her and she faced me, and in the space between us in bed, she held out her hand. I took it in mine. Like the ramp, but closer. And connected at the heart. I went to sleep soon after instead of worrying about the ramifications. The safety was a sedative.
Chapter 18
Pixie
GAZE DROPPED OFF like a baby, his hand relaxed and his face looked way younger when he had his guard down.
His father was a crazy person. I mean, on the very rare occasions he wasn’t drinking, he seemed okay, but the terror he was in Gaze’s room was horrible. That was Gaze’s home. His safe spot was far less safe than it should be.
I knew if I confided in my mom that she would understand why Gaze had to be here. He was not getting hit tonight, with a belt from the looks of it. I felt my rage light up inside me. Nothing made me more furious than watching an innocent person be bullied by their parents, by the kids in the neighborhood. Gaze wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. He even saved Fat Asshole. He was a good guy. He was as close to a family besides Mom than I’d ever had. Gaze didn’t deserve the way his father treated him.
I reviewed my schedule in my head again. My book bag was packed, and I’d made my sandwich before I came to bed. Bic had been out, so I’d been able to sit and watch a reality show with Mom in peace. Of course, as always, Bic came bursting in just as I tried talking to her about my concerns about him. That weird feeling in my gut every time he was in the room with me. But I dropped it when he walked in, and I found something else to do until bed because I didn’t want to be around him.
The next thing I knew a person was in my room. I’d had it locked, but my immediate fright dissipated when I saw it was Gaze just before he turned out my light.
My sleepy brain took a few extra beats to understand that he’d come across the ramp.
The last time we’d had him do that we both almost died.
When I heard his father screaming, I put it together. He was afraid. I stood up to see what he saw. To understand what would make him scurry across five stories to get to me.
Gaze’s dad was a crazy person. His wild eyes were bloodshot and his slurring voice was confusing. He was like a monster in a horror film. The hate he had in his eyes for Gaze. His belt snapping in his hands.
And that’s when I’d grabbed his hand. Because he was going to have to look at that, I was going to do it with him.
I was up with my alarm at 6:30 a.m., the sun already starting to make its daily trip to the top of the sky. I woke up Gaze who was still out cold. Eventually, he opened his eyes and his eyebrows knitted together while he placed why he was in my room with me. Then the wince betrayed when his memory took him back to the night before.
“It’s okay. Do you need to go get your clothes?” I scootched around him so I could put my feet on the floor.
Gaze lifted up his blanket and shrugged. “I’m still wearing my stuff from yesterday. I don’t have my shoes, though.”
He swung his feet to the floor and wiggled his toes.
“I’ve got black flip-flops. They might work, if you don’t want to go back home yet.” I pushed off the bed and dug under the bed. I liked my pink flip-flops better, but there had been a buy-one-get-one-free sale at the Dollar Tree, so I grabbed these in my size. I pulled them apart from the plastic tag that held them together.
I unlocked my bedroom door and tiptoed out. Gaze did the same behind me. We made it to the bathroom and shared a hairbrush. He put toothpaste on his finger and did his best to brush his teeth while I went through my routine. I left him in the bathroom and went to make us both waffles in the toaster. Mom was still asleep, which was n
ormal. I was getting out just a few minutes before her morning started.
Gaze slipped into the kitchen just as I set down the waffle onto a paper towel. I sprinkled a little powdered sugar on it, not asking his preference. This was how I did my meal, carrying it on the walk over.
Bic burped twice and farted once on his way down the hallway. He had his loud morning pee with the bathroom door left ajar. Luckily, we couldn’t see that room from where we were.
Gaze made a face that made me want to laugh, because I normally endured this alone.
“Who the hell is this?”
As if his words were a starting pistol, Gaze and I grabbed our waffles and made for the door in a rush.
“Wait! Slow down. Both of ya.”
Gaze slowed his steps, and I had to do the same. I wasn’t leaving him alone with Bic. We were past the doorframe, so technically we were in public.
“He here all night, Mixie Pixie?” He started picking things out of his teeth with his pinkie fingernail. He tried his hand at another nickname for me. I hated it.
“That’s my business.” I detested the feeling that Bic’s personal space made in mine. Like a spreading virus I couldn’t see, but it was strangling me.
“Ya old enough to take boys to your bed?” I felt the blush up the back of my neck, hating everything he was insinuating, even if I didn’t fully understand it.
“Pixie is a friend. My best friend. Talk to her with respect.” Gaze stood as tall as he could next to me.
Bic gave a deep throated laugh.
“You shooting out of your league, son.” Bic scratched his armpit.
“Let’s go.” I put my arm through Gaze’s elbow. Bic’s mean laughter and fading words bounced off our backs.
We ate our waffles on the walk to school. Other kids filed out of their buildings to join us. After Gaze collected my paper towel, he tossed it into the trash can. First day of school. There seemed to be more excitement than usual. People called out to me and said, “Hi.” Everyone was wearing something new, like a backpack or a hairbow. Nothing crazy.
“Hey.” Gaze pulled on my pinkie with his, stopping me on the stairs of the school.
“Yeah?” At first I thought he was trying to skip the first day of school. Which would make sense considering how much interest he’d shown in school prep.
“Don’t be alone with Bic.” Gaze then bit his lips shut.
“I try not to be. Why do you say that?” Kids streamed around us. I was catching bits of conversations, about video games and movies.
“It’s just a feeling. I don’t trust him around you. Okay?” Gaze seemed embarrassed to be mentioning it. His ears were turning red.
“Okay. Thanks. I’ll try.” It was hot today, but I had a chill down my spine. The kid that got beaten by his dad was afraid for me. Gaze was picking up on that same weird feeling I was. “Let’s get inside.”
Chapter 19
GAZE
I DIDN’T GET to stay with Pixie all day. We had some of the same classes, but mostly, she was in different ones. I saw frigging Alfie, who had almost all of the same classes as me. I couldn’t catch a break. I was able to sit with Pixie at lunch, and that was good. She was the center of the damn school, it seemed. I mean, I couldn’t blame people. She was just someone you wanted to be with. I had a moment of panic as I got close to her because there were people on either side of her at the lunch bench. But I didn’t have to worry. Pixie used both hands to actually push a row of about three kids far enough away from her side so that I could sit next by her.
And I squeezed right in. She joked with everyone and told them some of our summer stories. I was torn between being grateful that I had her circle around me and jealous that she was sharing the things that were just ours. The first day of school was weird. I learned I had to share my Pixie, and I wasn’t sure if I was okay with it.
In my last class of the day, I had a math teacher that was cool as hell. Once we were done with the problems, we could just relax. He played classical music and it was super nice. I let my mind wander about my dad. He was getting worse. Getting to be the worst, maybe. I didn’t think he was working anymore. And he was hitting the bottle. I wasn’t sure what would be next for us.
Seeing Pixie waiting for me on the stairs sent happiness shooting through me. I was still her favorite. I realized now that she had so many people around her how important the label of best friend was. I was her something special.
She smiled at the person she was talking to after she saw me and held up her finger to interrupt them. “How was your first day?”
“Fine.” I came up to her and her group. She told them all goodbye and I did the same. She looped her arm in mine and we headed in the direction of home.
“Did you get homework?” She adjusted her backpack strap.
“Yeah, but I did it in class. Math is going to have homework every night. But it’s easy.” I pushed her gently so we could navigate around the lightpost.
“So says you. Math hates me almost as much as I hate it.” We reached the crosswalk and waited for the signal to change from the red hand to the little white man.
“Nah. You did plenty of math when you did the bills for your mom.”
“Yeah, I guess. You ready to face your dad today?”
I wasn’t, but there weren’t a lot of choices. “He might be gone. Sometimes he does that for a while after he gets mad like that.” Truth. She knew it all, so I could talk to her like I was talking to myself.
“Do you know why he was so mad?” We stepped into the crosswalk and had to unlock arms to pass some slow moving elderly people.
When we were back together, I saw she was waiting for a response. “I’m thinking it was about money, in general. Having enough and all. Drinking costs money. Getting high isn’t free.”
“Yeah. That makes sense. Does he do the bills?”
“Sometimes.” I looked at the sky. Things felt unstable, uncertain.
“Can you get the bills? We can look at them and see what you guys are up against, if you don’t mind. Like you said, I have experience. Not that I’m using it now because Bic is taking care of us.” She rolled her eyes.
“He usually drops the mail off by the door. I could get it there.” I wasn’t sure what two twelve year olds could do about our bills, but she seemed confident.
“Has he been to the mailbox? Do you have the key to that? Sometimes people avoid checking the mail when things get rough.” We went across the last street before our buildings.
“I could look for it. It should be on his keychain.” We stood outside of her building.
“You ready to face Bic?” I motioned up to the fifth floor of her building with my thumb.
“How many choices do I have?” She shrugged her shoulders.
“Let’s go to the park.” I hitched my thumb in the direction of the swings.
“Okay. I’m down.”
I was thrilled when her eyebrows went from puzzled to relaxed.
When we got to the park, it was pretty much empty. It was far too hot for the kids on the playgrounds out in the full sun. Pixie put her backpack on the table and I stuffed my few things inside. I had syllabi from various classes and a pencil I’d borrowed from Pix.
The empty, motionless swings were inviting. I took one and Pixie took the other. Instinctively, we both pushed back and started pumping our legs. The scent of the hot asphalt and the sound of ambulances in the distance were starting to be home more than the country ever was before. I felt a pit in my stomach thinking of Dad’s inability to hold jobs. I wanted to stay here.
With Pixie.
Chapter 20
Pixie Rae
I WASN’T SURE how much trouble I’d be in for having Gaze sleep over last night. In the past, when it was just Mom, I could have explained it to her and she would have understood. But Bic had a way to make everything about him and his opinions. I gritted my teeth together and moved my legs harder. I looked over my shoulder at Gaze. He was back and I was forth. We cro
ssed in the middle and he stuck his tongue out at me. I was thankful for him because I was feeling alone even when Mom was home, but with Gaze, I always had someone.
After we were done swinging, we walked past Tapps and saw his father inside.
“We can go to my place for a little bit. He looks pretty sober, so he will be there a while.” Gaze pulled his keys out of his pocket.
When we got upstairs, Gaze immediately started cleaning up empty bottles. I stood near the table by the front door and saw a stack of mail. “You want me to go through this?”
Gaze ran his hand through his hair. “Yeah. I guess it makes sense. I’ll see if I can check the mail downstairs.”
He helped me with the math of it all and I showed him the due dates and the amounts. It was a lot when we were done. He had a total and due dates listed on another page.
“You better get home, because it’s been long enough.”
Left unsaid was that Gaze was waiting for a time bomb. I gave him a pile of concerns on top of the one that had to be at the forefront of his mind.
“Yeah.” I gave him a spontaneous hug. “I’ll be right there across the way.”
I dawdled on my way home. Kicked a few cans. Watched Fat Asshole and his buddies plucking at the trash in the alley. The soaring feeling of Mom being home had a dimmer switch now. Different. Unwelcome.
I went home anyway.
_______________
Mom had told me of her and Bic’s plans to go to Vegas. I was seriously doubting any of it was a good idea, but I wasn’t going to volunteer to be left alone with Bic. I met Gaze outside for school and visually checked him for new injuries. He had nothing that I could see, so I was hoping the quiet outside my room’s window meant that he had an easy night.
We started our walk and he cleared his throat twice before speaking. “I looked at the sheet we made a few times. And I think I have a plan.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure what he was going to suggest, but I was super interested in keeping him in his apartment, so I’d help if I could.
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