Pride and anger mixed.
“Don’t you dare doubt yourself. I’m the luckiest person in the world right now.”
And he remained still, despite holding me close. He was just there for me to explore. I touched his jaw and traced his lip.
“Do you remember when that bird landed on your leg when we were at the river as kids?” I asked him while I put my hands on his chest.
He gave me a single nod.
“That’s what you look like now.” I kissed his exposed shoulder, then the base of his neck.
That got a little chuckle out of him. It was strained, but he gave me a response, “I figured Fat Asshole had sent him out to get me.”
After holding his face in my hands, I tested another kiss. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
He shifted, sitting all the way onto the floor, keeping his arms locked around me. “I just don’t want to get this wrong for you. It’s so important.”
“I know that. I need you to know that, too.” I smiled at him. “If you love me, kiss me. And make it my first kiss.”
And then all the rock hardness of his muscles moved. First, he looked from my mouth to my eyes and back. I nodded to encourage him.
Gaze put one hand behind my neck, his fingers in my hair. I almost closed my eyes the whole way, but I kinda wanted to see, too. And then he came in for the kiss. It was him, and I was used to him, but in a totally different way. A new way. Changing everything and realizing that nothing really had to change. He was already mine. His kiss was just ours. So different than the accidental kiss when we were kids. His lips tasted good. Slow and gentle, but my heart was racing fast. He stopped and checked my eyes. I nodded slightly. I was good. This was good.
He was making my mouth mine, letting me be the one that decided to be kissed. And then I wasn’t thinking anymore. I was just a girl kissing a boy and free-falling into the beauty of permission.
Chapter 59
Gaze
I FELT WILDLY underqualified to kiss Pixie. I knew how to kiss—there had been girls—but this was the most important kiss of my life. I loved her. And there was more. She was taking a chance with me. That I would be hers. And that the monster next door had done things to her that I could never erase. But I wanted to make things hers. Let her choose. And she did. She wanted to kiss me. Wanted me to kiss her. I don’t think I ever thought this much in my life. Careful where my hands were. Careful where Pixie and I touched. I wanted her to be able to get away. One foot out of the door if she needed to breathe, for whatever reason.
To hold her this close was amazing, but also what I think my soul was expecting. Love. From every age I’d been. From every future I would have. Now I knew why I missed her so much. My soul was bleeding freely without her.
And as much as I wanted to do things with her, I had to stay as still as she needed. That gave me the opportunity to see how tentative she was, and getting to see how thrilled she was when I made a noise of pleasure. And this was just touching. Just the skin I had available to her from my tank top, my face, and my neck.
I gently let go of her and put my arms behind me. She stayed straddling me. First inquisitive, then she leaned forward to kiss me more. I remembered the taste of her lips on mine from when we were kids. Cotton candy and watermelon. My arms became steel cords because I was not going to put expectations on her. I knew she felt me. There was no hiding that. The front door opened and Austin announced himself by singing his way in. I smiled as he made a racket coming into the apartment.
He knew something was going to go down, but now he had to come back. He was very careful to make sure all the “adult” requirements that Officer Sam and Mrs. Josephine gave us were met. I appreciated it and his detailed following of the rules, but I would’ve much rather seen how far Pixie wanted to take this.
She rushed off my lap and hopped up onto the bed. She tossed me a pillow for my situation, but Austin didn’t come looking for us.
Pixie covered her lips with her fingertips and spoke around them like they were a tiny fence. “Was that okay? I mean, you’re okay with this?”
I wish I could etch this in my head. This exact second like a laser engraving. Her flushed face, her excitement. That she had done this with me. That she loved me.
“Yes. Whatever you need, you can take it from me.” I touched my chest.
She whispered, “I might be fucked up. Like what if I’m…” She stopped. I had read her notes from the coffee can. I didn’t need her to delve into it for me—unless she wanted to.
I went to my knees and held out my hand for hers. She put hers in mine. “What if I can never be a dad because I might be like mine?”
She grabbed my hand with her other one, making a cage for my worries. “You’re the best person I’ve ever met.”
“Nah. That’s you.” I kissed her knuckles and then moved to the bed next to her. The mattress sagged under us. She cuddled up next to me, head on my shoulder like she liked to do. “How’d prom prep go?”
“Fun. I don’t want to go to the actual dance, but that’s part of the routine, right?” She smiled at me.
I hummed by way of an answer. I had a tournament to get through. When that was done, I’d focus on prom with Pixie and try to make it something she wanted to remember forever.
Chapter 60
Pixie
THAT NIGHT WAS a snuggle fest. We had some kisses, but Gaze was safe with me. It was like he was in my head with me, knowing that touch was also a mindfield. In the morning, he had to be up early for a morning practice before school.
He was up and showered and all I had gotten around to was brushing my teeth. On his way out the front door, he stopped in front of me, towering. “Are we goodbye and hello kissers?”
I went on my tiptoes and he bent down. We gave each other a sweet kiss. And then he was out the door with a huge grin.
I leaned against the door after it was closed. Austin mimicked my voice from his doorway. “My boyfriend is so fantastic.”
After pushing away from the door, I started to laugh. “We never said the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Just kisses.”
He stepped to meet me in the middle of the living room. “Kitten, he’s already married to you in his head.”
“We’re seventeen.” I walked into the kitchen and started the process of eating a Pop Tart.
“Love is love is love, sweetheart. He’s going to just die when he sees you prom night.”
“I am excited about that. Only a few more days. I wish we didn’t have to go to the actual dance, though. I bet Ashlin will be excited to bust my balls.” I shuffled into the living room and sat down to eat.
Austin started a kettle of water. He loved tea in the morning. “I’ve dealt with every version of the Ashlin type person there is. The angry version, the snarky version, the terrifyingly smart version, and, of course, the giant hulking with balls option. They’re always out there. But I’ll tell you what, it one hundred percent comes from insecurity in themselves and jealousy. I always found it to be a little less intimidating when I remembered that I was burning up space in their head.”
He bopped a tea bag in the hot water.
“I guess. High school has been a freaking marathon of stupidity. I never imagined I’d have Gaze back to help me deal with this. And you.” I polished off the last of my Pop Tart and tossed it into the trash. “Speaking of which, I gotta get my butt in motion. What are you planning on doing today?”
Austin added honey to his tea. “Well, I’m going to FaceTime my parents soon to say good morning and then I’m going to work on your dress. Just making sure everything is on nice and tight and is on there good even when you’re dancing.”
“Aww, I feel bad about that. You shouldn’t have to spend a whole day on my stuff.” I bit my bottom lip. I could try to help him after classes.
“No, I’m going to be creating Instagram content and stuff for my channel. It’s part of my job to be inspired.” He blew on the hot tea and then took a sip, groaning lightly as it
passed his lips.
“Okay. Thank you. I feel guilty, but I’m not going to say anything because that dress is magic.” I walked over to his bedroom and noticed he had the dress hanging on the closet. I sighed out loud.
Soon Austin was next to me. “I know, right?” And then he sighed with me.
Chapter 61
Gaze
THE FAMILIAR SQUEAK of basketball sneakers and the smell of sweat set me in the zone. We’d walked past the tournament trophies set up on a folding table on our way in. The scouts were here, off to the right and almost to the top of the bleachers. Coach said he would introduce us after the game—if they stayed. We were at another local high school for the tournament games.
I needed to influence these scouts that I was a safe bet, despite the fact that I was in an altercation right after I changed schools. The Burathons told me they had started a college fund for me. I’d overheard Mike say he was going to get a second job on the weekends to try to help build it up if I didn’t get a full ride. So, I was doing this not only for me but for them, too.
I thought about Pixie and the fact that she had to come with me wherever I went. We’d cross that bridge when we got to it. I had my lucky socks on. I just had to find my center and hope my team would not be assholes.
Mark was in my ear like he could hear my concerns. “How was Pixie last night? She hit you with some of the hillbilly lovin’?”
“Oh, I’m gonna hand you your absolute whole ass.”
I knew it was going down. I was going to get in a fight and then everything would be over.
The only person who could ever stop me was…
“Hey, Mark, maybe shut up and mind your own goddamn business. Laying pipe to Ashlin is begging for your dick to be covered in STDs. Her junk has the entire alphabet stuffed up in it.” Pixie threaded her arm through mine before going to her toes to give me a kiss on the cheek. And then she smiled at Mark. “You know what I was just thinking about? When you were trying to hurt the dog at the grocers when we were in the ninth grade and I came after you with a bat. And then you peed your pants. So my suggestion is play ball like your life depends on it and leave the lady drama in your purse.”
Mark looked around the crowded gymnasium, hands in the air like he’d just suffered a horrible injustice.
Coach came up behind us and Pixie slid away. “Let’s get ready.”
Most guys were dependable. And if I just planned on Mark fucking up, I could arrange the next play in my head. Hopefully, Coach would pull him from the game if he was being a dick. He was playing guard, but the ball seemed to avoid him. Maybe my other teammates were on to him.
I hit two three-pointers, four baskets, and had three assists for a very physical game. I was able to play clean, and by the end of the first half, I was feeling pretty damn good despite the score being really close. The tourney games were shorter but more fast-paced.
I was able to see Pixie rooting for me, and Austin was there, too. I could see he had his phone held up and I was guessing Mike, Ronna, Milt, and Teddi were on the other end of a video call. I gave him and them a wave.
Out of the corner of my eye, just before tip-off, I saw Bic walk in wearing a low ball cap. I missed the jump entirely, and the ball went to my defense.
I hadn’t counted on needing to physically defend Pixie during the game. I thought verbal sparring would be where it stayed.
Chapter 62
Pixie
I WATCHED AS Gaze tensed up and missed the tip-off completely. I followed his line of sight and found out what had affected his reaction. Bic.
Goddamn Bic was here to start shit. Back in the day, I’d accuse him of maybe using the game to have a gambling ring going on where he would lose big, as usual. He’d have bet on two snails on a sidewalk back then.
But he wasn’t a basketball fan either. I watched him scan the crowd until he got to me. His frown hardened and determination set his shoulders. He’d gone out of his way to locate the tournament and now find me.
I leaned over to Austin. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
“What, Kitten?” He tipped his phone’s screen enough that I could see his whole family watching the game. I would hate to ruin it for them. And even more, I would hate for Gaze to be thrown off his game.
I thought for a few minutes and then pulled out my phone. Hey, I’m rolling out. Play wonderful. I’m fine!
“I sent Gaze a text. Enjoy the game! I’ll see you at home.” I watched as Austin’s eyebrows pulled together. He was onto me. I leaned over and gave him an air kiss on the cheek. “Sit here and be the best looking one in the crowd. Distract them all.”
He blushed and made a kissy face at me, and I had to take that as understanding. I always hated bleachers, something about the endlessness of the steps got to me. I usually took them carefully, but not tonight. I flew down the stairs and set my sights on the exit doors. I needed to just get out of here. I was thinking about holing up in the girls’ locker room, if I could find it .
As I picked a hallway, I comforted myself with the fact that most schools had similar layouts and Bic never showed up even for the parent-teacher conferences he was supposed to attend so he might get even more lost than I would.
My mind’s eye pictured him making the motion of slitting his throat in my bedroom.
And then I had a hand clamped around my shoulder. I knew before he spun me it was him. In the shadowy spot in the hall, he had me in his grip.
I froze as he used my shoulders to point my face at his.
“Pixie. Why you runnin’? You don’t want to watch your little boyfriend in his golden hour?” He took steps toward me and pushed me off balance over and over. I should’ve yelled for help. I should’ve yelled fire, but I was shocked and flustered. My body longed to escape him. He was a walking nightmare. Everything about him brought the things he did back. His smell, his tone of voice, that silver chain around his neck. “Just wanted to have a little conversation, but getting you alone for a few fucking seconds is tougher than a dollar store steak.”
“Go away,” was all I could muster. I wished it was meaner. Hell, the tone I’d just laid on Mark would’ve been welcome. Instead, I sounded young in my own ears.
“Sure enough, I’ll be outta your hair in a minute. Just wanted to have a quick conversation about your living conditions. Turns out, if you don’t live with me? A lot of your mom’s checks can’t come to our address anymore. And we need to make sure your college fund stays intact, you know. She really wanted that for you. Told me how smart you were and everything. We were going to update the will, but never did get the chance. I want you to have that college fund. And now you see why I was trying to get to you so bad. I’m just looking out for you.” Bic put his other hand on my other shoulder, trapping me. Holding me where I was. His thumb started a circular movement on my shoulder.
I could feel the veil of disconnection seeping in front of my eyes. How I survived in the past. It was like Pavlov’s dogs. His voice and touch and this reaction. But I wasn’t in my room. I was in a school. In a packed school.
“She never said anything.” My lungs were getting smaller, the screams inside them swirling all the oxygen together in a tornado. I would choke here on my own breath. My heart was beating so fast, I needed air. Needed out.
“Yeah, well, I’ve been taking care of you all this time, with that social security money and the insurance payments. All of them are going to stop the minute they find out you’re not living with Aunt Dreama and me.”
She wasn’t my aunt.
Out. I need out. Sweet God, I wanted to die and kill him at once. Spontaneously combust and let the inferno swallow him.
“Kitten?” Austin. Austin’s voice. Austin, who was somehow rocking the hell out of a lacy tank top, jeans with a skirt over them, and combat boots. And always the scarf. “Let go of her.”
His voice went down a few octaves.
“You can kindly back the fuck up. This is family business.” Bic removed one hand so he cou
ld point with the other.
“Mmm. I think that’s a bunch of bullshit, old man.” Austin held out his hand like he was going to help me cross a street. I reached out for him and Bic snatched my wrist.
I pushed down hard at the gap between his forefinger and thumb, releasing my arm.
“Get away from me!” I yelled it this time. The oxygen ganged up with my rage to turn on him. Make him hear me.
Austin pulled me as if we were doing a dance move and I ran into his arms. Bic scrambled to get me. Austin was so swift-footed, he shuffled me behind him.
“Leave now. Last warning.” That deeper voice again. The promise of the fact that he wasn’t just a pretty face.
“You remember that, Pixie. Your college and all your future rests on you moving back home. None of these boys you’re living with will take care of you the way I did.”
My vocal cords weaved themselves together. The only noise I could make was a squeaky rasp.
Austin shouted after Bic, “Go do something else, asshole!”
He turned to me when the exit doors swung closed behind Bic. “Come here.” Austin opened his arms and I took the hug. “You’re shaking like a leaf. Let’s get you home.”
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave Gaze without his whole foster family watching his game. And I know he saw Bic, so he’d be worried. It took everything, more than I thought I had, to shake my head. “No. We go back in for Gaze. This is his next step. I can’t be the reason he tanks it.”
I wasn’t sure my legs would carry me. Freezing was their go-to response when Bic was involved, but I was able to move them like cement blocks across the tile.
“Let’s go then. I won’t leave your side.” Austin kept his arm around me. I hated that he was seeing this side of me. The side of me that ate my dreams and confidence and gave way to panic.
I took a deep breath, and then another, and then another. I focused on each of my limbs, making sure I could feel them separately, and then together. And then I pictured my mom. And then Gaze. My heart rate was getting quieter in my ears as Austin and I returned to our seats on the bleachers. Gaze was waiting for me to look at him, and I gave him a thumbs-up and a semi genuine smile. It was all he needed to hit the next three-pointers.
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