“Not much to eat I know,” Rosanna announced. “But we were busy.”
“It’s more than enough,” Mamm spoke up. “And we want to thank all of you for coming today. This means so much to us, especially on such short notice.”
“We’re glad to help,” Bishop Miller said. “Now let’s pray before someone faints from hunger.”
They all bowed their heads with smiles playing on their faces. Bishop Miller was gut like that, putting everyone at ease.
“We give thanks today for what You have given us, dear Hah,” Bishop Miller prayed. “Bless all the willing hands who have come to help today. Bless also this food which has been prepared. It is far above anything we deserve, even in this world of plenty that we find ourselves in today. We pray for those in other parts of the world where many are still persecuted for their faith. Help them and comfort them, dear Hah. Leave them not without the presence of Your Holy Spirit. Amen.”
“Okay, fall to!” Rosanna waved her arms about. “Don’t be wasting any time now.”
The men laughed and got in line at once. Katie moved to the back of the line behind the men, Mamm right behind her. When they got to the front of the line, Katie took a sandwich and glass of chocolate milk and went out on the front lawn to sit on the grass. The living room already looked full, and so did the front porch.
Lavina followed her. “I hope I’m not disturbing you, Katie.”
Katie hid her astonishment. “Nee, not in the least. Please sit down.”
“Yah,” Lavina said, as she sat on the ground, her legs tucked under her like a schoolgirl.
Lavina looked younger out here with the sun on her face and the breeze blowing through her hair. She’d often appeared so weary the past few months. Of course, she’d had plenty of reason, with Ben’s shenanigans weighing on her heart.
“How are things going for you?” Katie asked.
“Okay, I guess.” Lavina took a bite of her sandwich. “I’m sorry for the trouble you got into for coming to the hospital that night. But at the same time I can never thank you enough for coming. I think your presence really helped Ben.”
“I’d do it again,” Katie replied without hesitation. It had been the right thing to do, and she had no regrets.
Lavina dug into her dress pocket and pulled out an envelope. She hesitated only for a moment. “I have something for you. Ben said to give this to you when things had died down a bit. So here it is.”
“What is it?” Katie didn’t move as she stared at the white envelope.
“It’s Ben’s thanks, he said. I don’t think he means any harm by this.”
Katie hesitated. She really shouldn’t take it. Ben was in her past, and she didn’t want it stirred up again. Still her arm reached out, almost as if acting on its own, and took the envelope, slipping it quickly into her dress pocket.
Chapter Twenty-One
The next afternoon Katie paced her upstairs bedroom with Ben’s letter clutched in her hand. She’d already read it last night after the supper dishes and the evening prayers were over. She’d excused herself early, and no one had paid her much mind. The day had been full of hard work at Bishop Miller’s place, and Jesse always encouraged an early bedtime on Saturday night so everyone would be fresh for the Sunday morning church services. Only she hadn’t gone to bed early. Instead, she’d sat up and read and reread Ben’s short note. Emotions she thought had been conquered had risen again, even worse than they’d been that night at the hospital. It was past midnight before she dropped off to sleep.
Then today, especially during church—through the singing and the sermons—she’d thought about Ben and what he’d written. Now the words swam in front of her eyes again. Katie held the page away from her. No tears must splatter on the page and mar the words. Ben was trying to release her from her affections, she was sure. Only it wasn’t having that effect at all.
He’d written his thanks for her sacrifice of time and reputation by coming to the hospital that night. Only she knew it really hadn’t been a sacrifice. She’d gone because it was her Christian duty, yah, but the words she’d spoken to Ben had flowed from her heart. They had been tender words, and she’d meant every one of them. She’d said them even while she was planning to wed Norman. It seemed that her heart had known even then what she was unwilling to admit aloud. She still loved Ben—and apparently she always would.
Yah, Ben was willing to set her free. He had, in fact, set her free with this letter. Only it had the opposite effect. Now her heart was flying back to him, seeking what she’d lost against her better judgment. She knew the situation her heart wanted could not have a gut ending. The past was gone. What Ben had done could be forgiven, yah. Had not worse sins been washed away from the lives of her people? There must have been, although she’d never heard much about that type of thing. Rumspringa wasn’t exactly a holy time in many Amish people’s lives. They were supposed to try out the things of the world. And, yah, Ben had gone way too far into the world. But what had really shattered her heart? Ben’s sin? Or was it that he wasn’t quite as perfect as she’d wanted him to be? That he had feet of clay?
Yet what was she supposed to do now? Ben was living somewhere in town. And she was a church member, which meant she needed to be circumspect in everything she did. She was scheduled to be a bridesmaid with Mahlon Bontrager as her escort at Mabel’s wedding. Bishop Miller even thought Mahlon would be a good match for her. Life was becoming normal again, at least on the outside. If she simply left things alone, Ben would never know how she’d longed for him, and neither would anyone else. Mamm didn’t even know she had this letter from Ben, and Katie was sure Lavina would never mention it.
Could she risk the loss of what she’d gained so far? Any contact with Ben would certainly lead in that direction. She’d arrived where she once thought everyone had walked. Accepted, loved, part of the community. But now she knew there was more to it. Norman had shattered the vision of what “normal” might be. He’d shown her the inside of the life she’d dreamed of for so long. It was no more beautiful or virtuous than the one she’d come from. Norman, and likely his family too, was capable of spreading rumors about her that were untrue. And Mabel too. And all because Katie had done something that at first look appeared suspect but had been perfectly reasonable and virtuous. And she was certain that Ben being asked to leave home could be laid at Enos’s door too.
Bishop Miller and his frau, Laura, had hearts of gold. They intended only the best for her and everyone else. But what if the bishop and other men in the ministry hierarchy were wrong? What if Ben was redeemable, and they couldn’t see it? What if Ben was ready to believe, and no one was ready to trust him or give him the opportunity? What if…The questions wouldn’t stop, and Katie finally flopped on the bed. She was going to drive herself mad obsessing about what could never be.
And that was how it had been in the beginning with Ben. Oh, how her heart had throbbed with the longing to ride in his buggy with him, to be with him, to be noticed by him. She’d longed for just one friendly glance from him. And when it happened, she’d lived with passion, with feeling, with desire, with love.
How different that was from how she was today. Drifting along. Not caring what happened. Accepting what crumbs were thrown her way. She didn’t even stand up to Mabel when the teen had clearly been in the wrong. She was even willing to humiliate herself by being Mabel’s bridesmaid after all Mabel and Norman had done against her.
What was she to do, Katie wondered. Would she have to accept Mahlon, should he ask her, and try to be the best frau she could be while she loved another? Mamm would say she’d done this to herself—got herself into the mess. She’d say Da Hah would give her a love for her husband…eventually. After all, Da Hah had done that for Mamm…first for Katie’s daett and then for Jesse. And Mamm hadn’t been looking for love after being so rejected by the man she’d been infatuated with.
Katie got up to pace the floor again. But this was different. Mamm never had the opportunity to be
with David Kauffman. To be loved by him. He’d never even asked to take her home or invited her to ride in his buggy. Daniel hadn’t kissed Mamm, and Mamm had never snuggled up to him under a buggy blanket. Daniel had never written Mamm a note saying he was so very sorry for any wrong done and wishing her well in her life. Nor had Daniel ever been sent away even though his heart was still with the Amish. And that was exactly what had happened to Ben, Katie decided. And Ben loved her. She now knew that for sure.
Katie would go to him. She’d tell him thank you for the note. She’d ride into town, they would talk, and all would be well again. She would fly into his arms and kiss him, and they could be as they once were—two people in love and living in a world that was right for them.
Only it wouldn’t be right, even if they both wished it so. Even if they both overlooked the wrong done by the other. And what would it accomplish to go to him? Without the community’s acceptance, the world she knew would fly apart. Then what would she have left? But if she did nothing, what did she really have? And would Ben move away and begin a new life without knowing she still loved him?
Katie clenched her jaw. She would go see Ben this very afternoon. If she didn’t go, she’d always wonder if she should have. Yah, she must do the hard thing and show Mamm the note and tell her she had to go to Ben to thank him and talk to him. Mamm would object, but Katie would be strong and deal with it. Besides, Ben wasn’t in the bann. There was no rule against seeing him.
If she was late for the hymn singing tonight, that couldn’t be helped. This was her moment, her hour of decision. If she let it slip away, the opportunity and courage might never return.
Katie slipped the letter into her dress pocket and walked downstairs. Jesse was sitting in the living room eating popcorn and reading The Budget. He looked up with a smile, but then went back to his reading. Katie continued to the kitchen. Mamm was pouring glasses of apple cider.
Mamm glanced up with a pleased expression. “You’re just in time, Katie. I had thought you were stuck up in your room all afternoon. Shall I get you a glass too?”
“Nee, I have to do something this afternoon…make a trip into town. If I’m not back in time for the hymn singing, don’t worry.”
“Katie?” Mamm’s mouth tightened into a straight line. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to see Ben.”
Mamm gasped and the glass of apple cider that had been in her hand crashed to the floor.
“Mamm, please.” Katie reached for Ben’s letter. “I’ll clean up the mess. Read this and you’ll understand.”
Taking the note, Mamm’s eyes moved over the page as a trickle of apple cider on the kitchen floor ran toward the stove. Mamm lifted her eyes from the page. “I still don’t understand why you need to see him. He’s not planning on coming back, Katie. You can tell by this letter that Ben knows it’s best if you cut off all ties. At least he’s an honorable man in that regard.”
Tears swam in Katie’s eyes. She grabbed a rag from the closet and bent down to sop up the cider. “That’s why I must see him, Mamm. You might as well know. I’ve never stopped loving him.”
“Oh, Katie.” Mamm found another rag and joined Katie on the floor. “You were doing so well. I can’t bear to see you hurt again—not by Ben and not by anyone else either.”
Katie met Mamm’s eyes. “Is one really doing well when her heart aches all night?”
“Healing takes time,” Mamm insisted. “I know.”
“Yah, but your love was never given the opportunity to grow or be restored. I’m being given that chance. I can’t walk away without giving Ben and me a chance. You just said that Ben has done an honorable thing. Don’t you see what that says about his heart? That he’s changed and grown?”
“What’s going on?” Jesse asked from the kitchen opening. Mamm and Katie took last swipes at the cider and leaped to their feet.
“The cider…I dropped the glass and spilled cider all over,” Mamm explained.
“I can see that. Is something else wrong?” Jesse obviously wasn’t satisfied with such a simple explanation.
“Katie is going in to see Ben this afternoon,” Mamm said. She picked up the letter on the table and handed it to Jesse.
He read it before looking up. “Come, I think we need to talk.”
Katie glanced at Mamm as Jesse disappeared into the living room. Then she looked down at the shattered glass still on the floor.
Mamm shook her head. “I’ll take care of that later, Katie. This is much more important.”
Katie followed Mamm into the living room and seated herself on the couch. Mamm sat down next to her. Jesse was sitting in his chair looking over the letter again. “When did you get this, Katie?”
Katie looked down at the floor before answering. “Lavina gave it to me yesterday at Bishop Miller’s.”
“And you want to see Ben?” Jesse’s hand fell to his side, the letter hanging above the floor.
“Yah,” Katie said. “I must speak with him.”
“You know where this action will lead?” Jesse asked, looking directly at Katie.
Katie shrugged. “Yah, but I guess I don’t care about that right now. I need to talk to Ben. I still love him, Jesse.”
“Every time you’re with this young man you get in trouble.” Jesse shifted on his rocker. “Don’t you think you should let him go? Nothing gut seems to come out of it. The last time he broke your heart. Then his mamm and daett asked you to help out during his illness, and your actions cost you a boyfriend and, in a way, your job. What could happen next, Katie?”
“I don’t know. I only know I must follow my heart on this. I need to give Ben a chance. I need to know. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, but at least I’ll know for sure.”
Mamm stepped in. “One should not be so sure of oneself, Katie. Please reconsider.”
Jesse smiled. “Sometimes life is the best teacher, Emma. I don’t like this any more than you do, but I believe we must not stand in the way. Katie is old enough to make her own choices and to live with the consequences. We will trust Da Hah to teach her and guide her and be with her through whatever happens.”
“Katie, do you know where Ben lives?” Mamm asked.
Katie shrugged.
Jesse spoke up. “Nee, she probably doesn’t, but Leroy or Willis might know.”
Katie jumped up and raced for the stair door. Taking the steps two at a time, she got to the top and ran down the hall toward the boys’ bedroom. Jesse was a wunderbah daett! She’d known that, but she knew it in a deeper way now.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Willis drove Sparky through the outskirts of Dover toward the address that was supposed to be Ben’s. Katie’s heart was pounding at the thought that she would be seeing Ben in just a few minutes—if he was home, that is. But why shouldn’t he be home on a Sunday afternoon?
When Katie had asked Willis and Leroy if they knew Ben’s address, Willis had glanced at Leroy and then said, “Yah, I know.” He’d agreed to tell her the address only if he could go along.
So protective, Katie thought. Just what a brother should be. Katie had planned to go alone, but when Willis insisted, she had no choice but to accept his offer.
Willis was being a very good brother, and it was probably just as well he’d come along. She’d realized this when they’d driven past Bishop Miller’s place. Laura and the bishop had been on the front porch swing eating their Sunday afternoon popcorn.
Willis made a point of waving harder than she did, clearly sending the message that they were out on an innocent jaunt. Perhaps going to a friend’s house for a few hours before the hymn singing that evening. The smiles on Bishop Miller and Laura’s faces brought an ache of sorrow to Katie’s heart. She’d be disappointing so many people when they found she’d gone to see Ben. But she wasn’t turning back now. She must speak with him!
“His place is right over there.” Willis pulled onto a side street and stopped across from a nice, two-story house. �
��I’ll watch from here.”
Katie gave a nervous laugh. “I’m not in any danger, Willis.”
He didn’t join in the laughter. “Just saying, that’s all. Don’t do anything stupid now.”
“I won’t,” Katie said as she climbed out of the buggy.
Katie knocked on the front door and waited. She soon heard footsteps and the door cracked open. Ben’s face was troubled when he looked first at her and then at the buggy across the street. “Katie?”
“Yah. May I come in?”
He hesitated. “You shouldn’t be here. I’m not even to speak with you. Didn’t you get my note?”
Katie nodded. “That’s why I’m here. I want to thank you for the kind things you said.”
“Okay, but you shouldn’t come in. Who is with you in the buggy?”
“Willis. I want to come in, Ben.”
“You shouldn’t,” he repeated, but he opened the door and stepped back.
Katie stepped in and took in the living room with a quick look. He didn’t have much furniture, just a couch and a chair. The kitchen was equally sparse, with only a small table and two chairs. Ben wasn’t living high on the hog, that was for sure.
“Do you want to sit?” Ben motioned toward the couch.
Katie sat down, and Ben pulled a chair close and sat down too.
Katie cleared her throat. Now that the moment had arrived, the words were sticking in her throat. “I came…I came to tell you, Ben…that…that I really appreciated your note.”
Ben nodded but didn’t say anything.
Katie took a deep breath. “I caught a glimpse of your gut heart in that note. I’m not here to simply thank you, Ben. Perhaps…well, I want to ask…could we be friends again?”
Ben was silent for a moment. “Bishop Miller…does he know of this visit?”
“Nee.”
“You’re under his authority as a church member, Katie. They told me I’m here partly because of my relationship with you.”
Katie sat up straighter. “I know…well, I figured that. But, oh, I don’t know what to do, Ben! I’m so confused. Why did you write that note to me?”
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