by Aileen Erin
She’d just disappeared as if she never existed.
But she did. She was alive somewhere. She had to be.
I had to find her, but instead, Michael left me here all night, alone, to watch over Axel in the infirmary. It felt like the least important thing to do. Everyone else was doing something better, but my control couldn’t be trusted.
They’d gone on patrol without me.
I wanted—needed—to get out of the infirmary. I told Michael I couldn’t just sit here watching Axel sleep all night. I needed to let my wolf out for just a second, but that couldn’t happen.
No one trusted my wolf anymore.
Turned out they didn’t need me anyway. Last night had been quiet. Michael thought that was a coincidence, but being with Tessa taught me that true coincidences were few and far between.
I wanted to be figuring out why last night was quiet because I knew—I knew—it had something to do with Tessa. We couldn’t go from seven months of nightly fights to nothing for three nights in a row.
But I was still stuck here while Claudia and Lucas checked out a few leads.
Michael left to talk to the FBI and told me to keep my mouth shut. To stay put. To wait for Axel to wake up. So, I was pushed out of that, too.
There was nothing for me to do. No distraction from the dread and fear and pain of Tessa being gone.
Nothing except watching over Axel all night long.
He’d spent the night shifting between wolf and human, screaming as he fought the change, but he’d finally stopped writhing in his sleep twenty minutes ago.
Now I was sitting here listening to him breathe, waiting for him to wake up. Just like I’d promised Tessa. At least I was doing that much, but it wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t doing enough.
I pressed my back into the chair to remind myself that I was supposed to stay here next to Axel’s bed. That I wasn’t supposed to leave until he was awake.
The night seemed to go on forever, but it didn’t. The sun was rising. Its red-orange rays peeked through the blinds of the tiny window in the infirmary room.
When Axel woke up, he’d be a werewolf. He was going to live. But now that I knew he was going to make it, I wanted to blame him for whatever was happening to Tessa.
I wanted to rip his throat open.
But I wasn’t going to do that. Not after how hard I’d fought to keep him alive—giving him strength and coaching him through shifting all night.
When he woke up, he had to have some answers for me. He’d been trying to find a way to access magic all summer, and I had a feeling he’d trusted the wrong person. I didn’t know that, but how else did someone end up shot in an abandoned warehouse at three in the morning?
I needed him to wake up.
I needed him to answer my questions. Why was he at the warehouse? How did he get there? Who was he meeting?
I needed him to tell me who had taken his sister, my wife, my mate.
My knuckles popped. Merde. I took a moment to calm myself, wrangling the wolf back into its spot deep inside.
“It’s not his fault.”
I looked up at Michael, who was standing in the doorway.
I wasn’t sure how long Michael had been there, but he was naturally stealthy. He looked like he was in his early thirties, which would only make him less than a decade older than me, but he’d always looked this age to me. He didn’t look a day older than when he’d taken me in after my parents were murdered. His hair still had the same few stray grays in it. I wasn’t sure how old he was exactly, but those few grays meant that he was old. He was possibly the oldest wolf alive.
Michael didn’t usually show his age, but today, standing in that doorway, every year was a weight on his back.
He’d been with us for the last seven months of exhausting nightly battles before Tessa was taken. And then he’d had to hunt me. And after that, he’d had to deal with Tessa’s parents, the cops, the media, and now the FBI.
I’d been locked up—sedated—for the first day. Which meant I slept. Michael hadn’t. He’d been searching for Tessa. Hoping to save me by doing what I hadn’t been able to—find her.
I wanted to thank him for searching for my mate, but I also wanted to scream at him for not finding a single clue that could possibly lead me to her either.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. And I sure as shit wasn’t proud of it. But that’s what I was feeling.
I was angry. Beyond angry. I was furious. It filled my soul until I was fighting the inner battle with my wolf again. My arms grew fur and smoothed back to skin. Fur and back again. Wolf and then human.
“Dastien.” There was a sharp warning and a threat of power in Michael’s voice.
I used it to gain control and then looked at Axel again. His face was pale. His cheeks were sunken in. He’d burned so many calories changing forms that it’d take a few days of solid eating to gain an ounce of it back.
I could still smell his blood faintly on his skin, and I remembered my brief glimpse of him outside the warehouse, limp in Lucas’s arms, blood soaked his clothes from the bullet hole in his stomach and dripped from the fresh bite on arm. And I remembered Axel’s last words to Tessa on the phone before the line went dead. He’d told her not to come.
He didn’t want anything happening to his sister. I knew that. And I knew that whatever happened, I shouldn’t blame him, but I was having a tough time following through on that.
“This wasn’t anyone’s fault. Not yours. Not his.”
Michael was right, but I was blaming Axel completely. My friends partially. Because they’d helped Michael lock me up.
I knew they had no choice. They couldn’t leave me feral out there. But I needed someone to blame.
“Dastien.”
I had to tell him what he wanted to hear, or he’d never leave me alone. “I know this wasn’t anyone’s fault.”
“Don’t lie. Not to me.” His voice was patient and understanding, and it grated against my anger.
“I wasn’t lying.” I was definitely lying.
“You were growling while you watched him just now. Like you wanted to rip out his throat.” Michael sat on the foot of Axel’s bed and stared at me. His eyes were glowing olive green. Ready for a fight. “Don’t make me lock you up again. I’ll do it, but you’d do her no good in there.”
I stared at the floor, unable to meet his gaze. Not because he was more alpha than me—because I wasn’t sure if that was true anymore—but because he was right and I was ashamed.
I ran my hands through my hair, trying to think, but how the fuck was I supposed to think rationally when I couldn’t breathe?
How was I supposed to think when half of my soul was gone, and all that filled the empty spot was panic and fear and anger?
“I need her back.” I met Michael’s glowing green gaze. “I—I can’t do this without her.”
“You’ve been through tough times before. You can do this.”
I looked out the window. “I can’t.”
“Can’t do what exactly?”
I leaned back in the chair, closing my eyes, searching for the bond again. “Live. Fight. Any of it.”
“It’s only been three days. We just need more time.”
More time wouldn’t fix this. “The longer it takes, the less likely we are to find her.” Everyone knew that.
“That’s true for humans, but not for supernaturals. Especially her. She said they wanted her alive, which means they must want her magic or power for something. If she’s not dead yet, then it’s possible that they don’t want her dead at all.”
“Unless they’re still working on stealing her magic, and will kill her when they’re done.”
He was quiet for a moment, and I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see the disappointment on his face again.
I knew Michael wanted more—expected better—from me, but I didn’t have more. I didn’t have any better to give him.
“We’re still checking with the fey.
The FBI agents are searching. She’s on every news station in every city and country on this planet. Everyone knows her face. Everyone is looking. Everyone. We’ll find her.”
“And if we don’t?” My voice was deep and gravelly, and I wasn’t sure who was asking—me or my wolf.
“We’ll find her.” Michael sighed. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you. If—”
“I don’t know that it would’ve changed anything. She’d seen it. She showed me. I knew why she got out of the car, I just—it’s magic. Someone took my mate. Stole my bond.” I looked up at Michael then. “What do I do now? How do I find her? I have to have a plan, or I’ll go crazy.”
“Okay. That’s something I can help with. As soon as Axel wakes up, we’re going to start our search. We’ve got everyone on the planet looking for her, but there’s one place they can’t search. The fey courts. Cosette is aware and is trying to find out what she can from the Sanctuary, but she can’t go back to court, or there will be war. If you can hold it together, Van’s arranging for us to meet with her mother. She can’t lie, but she—”
“And if the fey don’t know anything?” I was pretty sure they wouldn’t tell us anything. They’d been assholes for months. They were still holding us accountable for the strife in their courts, and Helen blamed us for the instability within the Lunar fey.
We tried talking, negotiating, being diplomatic. But as the months passed, it seemed like war among the fey was going to break out, and if we weren’t careful—we’d get drawn into it as well.
“If Helen doesn’t know anything or refuses to tell us anything, then we’ll keep looking. It might take some time, but Tessa’s strong. She’ll hang in there. The important thing to remember is that the bond you two have can’t be broken by anything other than death, and I know that hasn’t happened.”
“How?” How did he know she was still alive? I didn’t even know that. I couldn’t sense where she was. I couldn’t feel what she was feeling. I couldn’t hear her thoughts. She could be—
“Because you’re not dead.”
I held my breath as his words sank in.
How had I forgotten?
Tessa was my True Mate.
It was different for us than it was for other mates. Once bound, our souls were one. If she died, my soul would follow hers.
Michael reached out, gripping my knee. “You’re alive and breathing, and so is she. I don’t know where she is or if she’s okay, but she’s alive.”
“She is.” A tear slipped free, but it wasn’t grief. Not yet. Not now. It was one tiny drop of hope. “You’re right. Of course. She’s my True Mate. She’s there. Somewhere. She’s okay.”
“She is. You need to hold on to that. Keep telling yourself that if you’re breathing, so is she.” He was quiet for a while.
Long enough that I knew he was about to say something I didn’t want to hear.
He did that whenever he had bad news. He was quiet and waited. I wasn’t sure if he knew that I needed time to prepare myself for the bad or if it was a technique he used for everyone.
“Just tell me.” I was sure I’d regret knowing. I had this newfound sliver of hope that seemed fragile. But I had to know what he was thinking. “It’s bad.”
“I…I can’t lie to you.” He braced his elbows on his knees as he looked into my eyes. His face was grim but determined.
I knew he wouldn’t lie to me. He wouldn’t pad the truth with niceties. That wasn’t what Michael did. That made it easier in some ways, but not when I was afraid of the truth.
“I don’t know anything except that she’s alive.” His hazel-green eyes studied me as he said his truths. “I wish I could leave it there, but I think that would do you a disservice. I’m quiet now because I’m not sure if I should tell you what I really think. I’m not sure you can handle it, and I really don’t want to lock you up again.”
I couldn’t promise him that whatever he told me wouldn’t affect me. “I’m scared for her. So scared that I’m going out of my mind. But keeping things from me now?” I met his gaze then. I met it with the force of power that was in me.
“Good.” His eyes flashed to his wolf’s green, and he straightened. “You need that power. You’re going to need every ounce of control I taught you. We trained for years because I knew you’d be bound for great things. Powerful things. There’s a power in you that I haven’t seen in anyone in a long time.”
“I…I’m not sure what you want me to say.” I was strong. Very alpha. I knew that. It’d been something that I struggled with until I met Tessa. She balanced me when I didn’t even know I needed balancing. And now that she was gone, I was lost. “I’m trying to keep a grip, but my control…” It was shit right now.
Michael glanced down for a moment. When he looked at me again, I knew that he was about to rip the floor out from under me.
“You need to prepare for what might come, Dastien. I can’t promise you that Tessa’s okay. She could be hurt. She could be tortured. Any number of horrors could be done to her from the second she was taken until the second that we find her, but we will find her. I will promise you that. It’s only a matter of time. As long as she’s breathing, we have a shot. But once we find her, you have be sure you’ll love her the same no matter what she’s been through. Even if she’s not the same.”
The air was suddenly gone from the room. I pressed my fist to my chest, certain that there would be a hole where my heart should’ve been. The pain…
A hot tear rolled down my face, and this time it wasn’t hope. “You think they’re hurting her.” My voice sounded distant.
He was quiet for a long time as he watched me. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath while I waited for him to say something else until my lungs were burning.
My breath was shaky and shallow. “Please. Just say it.”
It was as if the weight of what he was going to tell me pained him. The look on his face—I hadn’t seen that look since he told me that my parents had been murdered.
Another hot tear slipped free, and I wiped it away. “Just say it.”
Michael wiped a hand down his face, and when he looked at me, I could see the lines on his face had deepened from one moment to the next. He didn’t want to tell me, but being an Alpha came with a lot of hard jobs.
Today was hard for him.
Today would be harder for me. “Say it.”
“Okay.” He gave me a slow nod before sitting tall again and meeting my gaze. “I have to assume that something is keeping her from getting away. She’s so strong, Dastien. So strong. Not just her wolf side or her pack magic or the magic that would’ve allowed her to rule the most powerful coven in the world.” He let out a breath. “I don’t know what’s keeping her from getting away, but whatever it is, it can’t be good. I’m worried that—”
Oh God. I was going to throw up. I couldn’t hear it anymore.
I had to move, or I was going to be sick.
I ran into the hallway. My vision was blurry, and I didn’t care.
“Don’t make me tranq you again.” Michael’s power was back—pushing my wolf to submit—and I didn’t give a flying shit about that.
I jumped at him, but Michael pivoted, pushing me into another room.
My back hit a wall, but I couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t feel anything.
I grabbed the closest thing I could and started smashing everything in the room.
The window.
The cabinets.
The walls.
I grabbed a chair, slamming it into the floor over and over and over until there was not enough chair left for me to hold onto.
And then I kept going.
Until I couldn’t breathe.
Until my hands were bloody.
Until I hit the ground and finally saw the shattered remains of the room.
This infirmary room was toast.
The bed was shredded. Pieces of fluff floated in the air, looking like cotton snowflakes as they fell to the floor. The chair had
shattered into splinters. The cabinets would crash the rest of the way to the floor if someone breathed on them.
I didn’t need to see Michael to feel him watching me from the doorway. His power was softly urging me to calm down, and for a second, I listened to it, to him.
I pulled my knees in, rested my forehead on them, and I knew I was failing her.
I was failing. My control was failing.
She was hurt, and I…
I was failing her.
“If she’s hurting, I should be able to feel it. I should be able to know where she is. I should be able to find her and save her.” My voice was half-growl, and my wolf was fighting me again. Breaking free. And I wasn’t sure I should fight him anymore.
“They’ve done something to your bond to hide it from you, but I promise it’s there.”
I felt Michael’s hands on my shoulders, and I lifted my head enough to see him squatting in front of me. His eyes were still wolf-green, but I didn’t see even a hint of judgment over what I’d just done.
“I’ve been your guardian since you were eight. I know you. I know you’ve felt alone since you lost your parents, and that Tessa was the answer to everything you ever wanted. She was the gift you thought you never deserved.”
His fingers dug into my shoulders. “I watched you train together. Dance together. Laugh and play like I’ve never seen from you. Not ever. Not even when you were little.” His hand touched my cheek before dropping away. “But you do deserve her. You deserve everything. Teresa McCaide Laurent is your True Mate. But don’t you dare start thinking that we’ve lost her when we haven’t. She’s out there fighting. Be ready for her to come home. Be ready to fight for her. Because she’s going to need you.”
“Did you see this? Did you know that something would happen?” He had visions of Tessa. He’d told me to stay at St. Ailbe’s when I’d been ready to leave. I was about to join one of the packs of Cazadores, but he told me if I stayed, I’d find my true happiness.
