by Claire Kent
“I certainly have told you that.”
“No. You haven’t. Maybe you think you have, but I’m telling you that you haven’t. Not once. It was always just implied. So you have no grounds to complain that I haven’t told you anything.”
“Surely you don’t expect me to keep pouring out how I feel, when you’ve told me over and over that my feelings aren’t returned.” When she started to object, he added, “At least not at the same level.” He shook one pillow out of its case and started putting the clean pillowcase on in its place.
“Of course not,” Erin groaned, picking up a pillow of her own. “I’m not asking you to write sonnets on your love for me or even say you love me, if you don’t want. But I’ve told you from the beginning exactly how I feel about you—no matter how confused or irrational it might have been. And that’s not something you’ve been willing to do for me.”
Seth tossed the pillow onto the head of the bed. “You know how I feel for you. I show you all the time. You know how I feel, and I’d certainly let you know if anything has changed.”
Erin threw her pillow—with a clean case—onto the bed as well. “And that’s supposed to be good enough? You’ve told me that from the very beginning. You said you’d tell me if anything changed about your feelings on our arrangement. Well, you didn't tell me. And the next thing I knew you wanted to ride off into the sunset with me, as soon as our daughter was born. How the hell was I supposed to know that?”
“We’ve already been over this. I had misunderstood your feelings for me.”
“I know that,” Erin exclaimed, glaring at him with her hands fisted at her sides. “I’m not blaming you for having those feelings, and I know I screwed things up too. But it’s not all my fault. If you’d been willing to open up your mouth a little sooner and give me a few hints about how you felt, then I wouldn’t have been so astonished when you finally got around to telling me.”
Seth’s hands weren’t fisted. They were relaxed and hanging loosely beside his hips. But she knew he was tense. She could see a muscle in his jaw spasming occasionally. “Why are you rehearsing all of this now? It’s over. We’ve already worked through it.”
“But you still never tell me how you feel or what you’re thinking,” she insisted. “You’re still always holding back.”
“Surely my behavior is clear enough for you to know that my feelings haven’t changed. Surely you can read between the lines.”
She let out a little squeak. “I can’t believe you... You were just whining to me about my not saying things to you. You know I love you. I’ve told you, and I keep telling you—more than you’ve ever told me. I’m sorry I haven’t made a lifetime commitment to you or something like that. But I’m scared. I’m still scared. After Marcus, it’s just not that easy for me to give up the things that make me feel safe. You said before that you understood. But, regardless, right now it sounds like you expect some sort of a double standard. You expect me to understand why you’re holding back. Well, why can’t the same thing apply to you?”
Seth’s eyebrows had lowered, and he was frowning in her direction.
Feeling like she wanted to claw that cool, disdainful look from his face, she snapped, “If I’m supposed to read your behavior, then why can’t you read mine? Surely you can see that I love you every bit as much as you love me, that it’s just fear holding me back, exactly as it is for you.”
She stood panting and glaring at him—feeling like she’d made an exceptionally strong point and had left him without a good way to counter it.
But Seth’s reaction was not what she expected.
He didn’t look angry or exasperated or defeated. He stared at her blankly, and it looked like his entire body had clenched up.
Erin, feeling rather taken aback by his dramatic reaction to her rhetorical comeback, prompted, “Seth? What's wrong? Is this astonishment at the brilliance of my argumentative skill? I did have two years of law school.”
“Erin,” he said hoarsely, something unbearably tense in his gaze. “Erin, think about what you just said. And then tell me if the implications are what they sound like they are.”
Drawing her brows together, Erin thought back over her words.
Gasped as she realized what she’d just said. And what it implied.
Her mind had been in a chaotic whirl just the moment before, but now all of her thoughts and feelings slowed down to an aching crawl.
The universe shifted into slow motion.
“Erin?” Seth said again, his voice almost rough in his husky timbre. It felt like he was miles away from her. “Erin, tell me. Did you mean...”
It wasn’t chaotic or confusing anymore. With that same slow, inexorable momentum, all of the pieces finally came together.
She loved him. She loved him completely—even as she’d kept trying to hold parts of herself back, trying to resist the final commitments that would have made her vulnerable, that meant she’d give up the control she clung to.
It was never about Marcus, although it was convenient to blame it on him.
She was just scared.
It was fear holding her back, exactly as it was for Seth.
In so many ways, they’d always been the same.
And, because they were the same, she didn’t have to be afraid anymore.
“Yeah,” she breathed, turning back to gaze at Seth’s stiff figure, in which was leashed suppressed energy and angst. Something was leashed inside Erin too. Something she was about to set free. “Yeah. I did.”
Seth sat down abruptly on the foot of the bed. “You did what? You meant—”
In a giddy flood of relief, Erin actually laughed out loud. She sounded a little hysterical, but she didn't even care. “I meant what I said. My actions should have showed you that I do love you exactly the way you love me. All the way. With everything. Forever.” It felt like a huge burden had finally been lifted. Like something imprisoned had at last been released. Like she could finally take a full breath. “Because I do.”
Seth simply stared, looking so stunned and uncomprehending and adorable that Erin couldn’t help it. She did something she hadn’t done in years—since maybe as far back as middle school. Something she’d never dreamed of doing to Seth.
She took three running steps toward the bed and tackled him.
He grunted when the force of her body hit him. Her momentum pushed him onto his back on the bed, his legs still dangling over the side, and Erin ended up in a tangled heap on top of him. “I love you,” she said again, looking down on his winded face and beaming like an idiot.
Seth’s arms had come up around her—as if he couldn’t help himself—and his hands slid up and down the satin of her pajamas, along the curves of her hips, ass, and thighs. But his face was still serious when he murmured, “Erin, are you sure? Because if you change your mind next week—”
“Did you not understand what I was saying just now? It means I’m not going to change my mind.” She kissed his mouth. His chin. His left cheek. His mouth again. Wanted to swallow him whole. “I love you, Seth, and I want everything with you. No holding back anymore. What do you have to say about that?”
Something deep and powerful and breathtaking kindled in his eyes. Transformed his entire self—the entire part of his self he tried to keep hidden.
But his mouth quirked up in that irrepressible half-smile. “All I can say is that I love you too.”
***
Seth didn’t say much after that. He didn’t have to.
One of his hands started straying significantly and was now curving around the back of her thigh to slip in between her legs.
Erin covered his mouth with another kiss, this one much deeper than the ones she’d given him before. Her tongue stroked the line of his lips until it dipped inside his mouth, caressing the length of his tongue with slow, sensual purpose.
Seth’s hand moved almost imperceptibly, until he was cupping her groin. Her satin pajama bottoms were thin and cool, and Erin was pretty sure that h
e could feel the heat of her growing arousal through the fabric.
The ache of pressure at her center was starting to become an issue, and Erin found herself unconsciously grinding her pelvis into Seth’s hand—trying to get some stimulation where she needed it. Having succeeded in unbuttoning his shirt, she said, “Now that we’re on the same page, let’s save further heart-to-hearts until later.”
Seth seemed quite amenable to this suggestion, and he shifted his hands until he was holding on to her hips. Before she could object to the loss of stimulation, he had flipped them over until she was on her back, with Seth poised—big and hot and intense—over her.
He pushed his pelvis down into hers, and she could feel the hard bulge of his arousal through his pants.
The pressure against her groin made her groan in pleasure, and she groaned even more when he did it again. She was even more aroused than usual—finally freed of so much that had always held her back—and she could feel that she was already wet, a kind of pulsing developing between her legs every time Seth pushed into her, every time she looked up at the blinding intensity of his eyes and the fire of his expression.
He was gazing down at her. Not speaking. Not kissing her. Just gazing as if he could devour her with the raw power of his stare.
She moved her legs restlessly, sliding her feet against Seth’s trousers and rubbing her thighs against his. Her arousal kept building just from this minor friction. So much so that—when Seth pushed his pelvis into her again—she arched her back dramatically and clawed at the loose fabric of his shirt.
“Seth,” she gasped, practically writhing beneath him now. “Seth, isn’t this our great climactic lovemaking resolution?” She was particularly proud of having come up with such a lucid, ironic question, even in the midst of her heavy lust. “Are you actually going to just stare at me instead?”
After just a beat, Seth smiled. Made a husky noise in his throat. “Oh, no,” he promised—his voice a caress. “I’m not going to just stare.”
Squirming helplessly in response to the pulsing of her desire, Erin started to push his shirt off his shoulders. “Could have fooled me,” she grumbled.
With a hoarse chuckle, Seth pulled back slightly so he could take off his shirt completely. After tossing it on the floor, he moved over her again. Grabbed the bottom of her tank top and yanked it up until he’d pulled it over her head.
Erin sucked in a breath as the cool air hit her bare breasts, but almost immediately Seth’s hands had covered them. He fondled her nipples—neither of them noticing when they leaked a little—and Erin gasped as the tingling sensations from his touch shot all the way down to her pussy.
When the intensifying pleasure became too overwhelming, Erin grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands away from her breasts. Then, releasing his wrists, she twined her hands around his neck and pulled him down into a kiss.
They shared a deep, hungry, open-mouthed kiss—Seth’s tongue thrusting into her mouth in the primitive motion she longed for from the rest of him—and Erin managed to wrap one of her legs around his, getting herself in an effective position to rub her arousal against the top of his hard thigh.
The rocking of her body matched the rhythm of their mouths working together, and Erin rubbed her breasts against Seth’s bare chest, seeking all of the contact and stimulation she could.
It wasn’t long before she could feel an orgasm developing from the friction of her groin against his thigh, and she groaned into his mouth in response to the rising feelings.
Her whole body was flushed, and she could feel the intensifying heat of his tense body.
Her motion became more erratic as she rubbed herself against him, her climax close enough now to reach.
Then Seth tore his mouth away from hers. “Erin?” he rasped, raising his face just enough to gaze down at her.
Freed of his mouth, her head began to toss back and forth on the pillow. “Fuck,” she breathed, clinging to his bare shoulders as she kept grinding her arousal against his thigh. The satin fabric of her pajamas was sticking to her hot skin, but it only added to the intensity of the sensations. She started to shake beneath him, rubbing against him as urgently as she could.
“Are you going to—” Seth began, his eyes crawling over her red, twisted face, her jiggling breasts, her swollen, parted lips.
“Yeah,” she gasped, one of her arms flailing out to clutch at the sheets, the fingers of her other hand digging into his shoulder. “Yeah,” she huffed again, bucking her pelvis wantonly in tiny, rapid pumps against his thigh to intensify the stimulation on her clit. “Gonna come,” she grunted, feeling the swelling pressure begin to break. “Gonna come. Just...from this.”
Seth swallowed a groan—of pleasure, of need, of primal dominance, of something—and he adjusted his position to give her better access to his thigh. In the process, his erection moved out of contact with her gyrations, a move Erin assumed was intentional, so she wouldn't accidentally take him with her when she came.
“Fuck,” she choked, tossing her head so wildly she got a piece of hair in her mouth. Couldn’t get rid of it. Couldn’t do anything but claw blindly for some sort of purchase and let the sensations take her over the edge. “Coming. Seth!”
Erin knew that he was watching her when the tension broke inside her. She shuddered beneath him, against his thigh, gasping and making silly mewling sounds as the pleasure rippled through her.
She could feel how tense the muscles in Seth’s thigh were as she rubbed against it a few last times. The rest of his body was just as tense. He sucked in harsh breaths, his nostrils almost flaring.
“God,” Erin moaned, sinking back limply onto the mattress. “That was good.”
Seth was damp with sweat—on his face, his forehead, his chest, and she could tell how close to the edge he was.
So, feeling unexpectedly playful, she stretched out and arched up her back. “I’m exhausted now. That’s enough for me tonight.”
Seth probably knew she was teasing, but he couldn’t help but make a choked noise in his throat in instinctive response.
Chuckling in fond satisfaction, Erin relented, “Well, maybe I can stand a little more.”
Seth, obviously recovered, gave her a predatory smile. “A little?”
Erin started working on the fastenings of his pants. “At least as much as you’ve got.”
After ridding themselves of their remaining clothes, Seth situated himself between her legs. He supported himself with one arm and used the other hand to guide his hard cock into position.
Erin looked up at him happily—already feeling full, satisfied, and overflowing with tender emotions. “I love you,” she told him.
Seth’s eyes blazed into unbearable heat, and he thrust into her with one sudden stroke.
Erin moaned and stretched as his hard substance pushed its way into her pussy, which was already tight from her orgasm. She parted her legs more and shifted beneath him until she was comfortable again.
Moving his second hand until it was braced on the mattress beside her shoulder, Seth grunted as she squirmed beneath him. “Good?” he gritted out between clenched teeth.
Relaxing, Erin stroked his warm face. “Yeah. Ready to go.” She felt like a sap, a fool, an absolute idiot, but she couldn’t seem to stop smiling up at him, her heart swelling at each little detail about him—all adding up to the man she’d grown to love.
Seth’s face softened as he looked down on her, the primitive smolder in his gaze fading briefly into a matching tenderness that made Erin squeeze her inner muscles around him instinctively, since that was the easiest part of him to squeeze.
Seth grunted at the pressure on his cock, his fingers tightening in the mattress on either side of her. Then he pulled his pelvis back. Angled his hips, a look of focused concentration on his face.
She loved him. All of him. The arrogant lawyer. The clever, articulate strategist. The father. The tender lover. The hot, primal animal.
And the dedicated, ambitious pa
rt of him that was always so determined to accomplish every task as well as he possibly could.
Including pleasing her.
His obvious resolve to give her as much pleasure as he could—despite the driving urgency of his own need—caused Erin to breathe out unconsciously, “I love you.”
Just as he thrust into her with tight precision.
She gasped in pleasure at the friction. Then wrapped her legs around him, hooking her ankles after only two tries.
He hissed as he sunk into her deeper. Then levered back and met her eyes.
“I love you,” she gasped again as he thrust into her once more.
Erin couldn’t hold back a lingering moan as the sensations started to build up from his cock sliding slickly inside her.
Seth’s face was hot and tense, but his eyes were the most overwhelming thing she had ever seen in her life. He grunted as he drove into her. Grunted again as he pulled back.
“I love you,” Erin gasped again, as she started rocking up her hips to meet each of his thrusts.
Another stroke of Seth’s cock, less controlled, less precise.
Speaking the repeated words was almost as intoxicating as feeling Seth moving inside her. She could feel another orgasm spiraling up. Feel the pressure building at her center from the intensifying friction and from what she’d realized about herself, about her world.
Eventually, Seth started to lose control too. Each time she gasped out, “I love you,” he seemed to slip a little more from his steady, powerful rhythm. He started panting loudly, and his head tossed occasionally as he tried to manage his own rising pleasure.
His grunts were thick, and his eyes were hot and consuming. He was wild. And not just from the sex.
Erin began to writhe as the pressure, the friction, the intimate stimulation, and the overload of emotion became more and more torturous. She’d been trying recently not to claw Seth up quite so much when they made love, but tonight she couldn’t hold herself back. Her fingernails dug into the back of his neck in an instinctive need to claim him as hers.
