Chapter 2
When I awakened I was disoriented. Where in the world am I? At first I didn’t recognize anything until it all came crashing down on me. I couldn’t breathe and my heart started hammering in my chest. My throat felt like it was closing up on me. I struggled for air but the room seemed devoid of any. I stumbled out of bed, banging into things and somehow made it to the hallway before Seth intercepted me.
“What is it January?”
“Can’t breathe…” I strained to get the words out.
He took a long look at me and said, “You’re having an anxiety attack. Come.”
He grabbed my arm and tugged me into the kitchen. He quickly opened a drawer and pulled out a paper bag. In the meantime, I felt my vision darkening and pins and needles were piercing my skin everywhere. He pushed me into a chair and held the bag over my mouth. I looked up at him and he said, “Slowly take some deep breaths. You’re hyperventilating and this will calm you down.”
I began to breathe in slowly and at first it didn’t work. I started to panic again as I felt myself suffocating.
“January, I promise you’re going to be fine. Just keep taking long slow breaths.”
Seth continued to encourage and coach me and eventually, I began to feel the panic subside. My breathing eased and I was finally feeling some relief. I continued to hold the paper bag and lifted my eyes to his. He nodded and took the bag away.
“Better?” he asked.
I nodded, afraid to even speak yet. I sat there and then I took another deep breath and asked, “What was that?” I started to shake and I could feel my cheeks burn with embarrassment.
“You just had an acute anxiety attack. Don’t be alarmed though, you’re totally fine.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what was happening,” I said.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner, with what you’ve been through and all.”
“I’m so embarrassed. I feel terrible for putting you and Lynn out like I have. I think I need to be going.” I struggled to stand but felt the room start to sway.
The next thing I knew, I was laying on the couch with a cold cloth on my head.
“Are you back with us?” Lynn asked.
I nodded.
“January, when was the last time you ate anything?”
I couldn’t remember.
“Did you eat anything yesterday?”
I thought for a moment and realized I hadn’t. I had been so busy during the day and I was expecting to eat after the graduation ceremony. A pained expression must have come over me because Lynn quickly said, “Honey don’t you worry about it. I’m just going to whip us up a big Saturday morning breakfast.”
What seemed like moments later, I found myself devouring a stack of pancakes with warm maple syrup, some scrambled eggs and bacon with a glass of milk and a cup of coffee. Wow, I must have been hungry because I normally didn’t eat that much.
I lifted my eyes to see both Seth and Lynn grinning at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s nothing. We just like to see someone with a hearty appetite enjoy their food!” Lynn said.
“Er, yeah, I normally don’t eat like this. But it was so delicious, I couldn’t help myself.”
“That’s just Lynn’s cooking. Why do you think I have such an awesome six-pack?” Seth laughed as he grabbed his belly.
“Honey, you know it’s not a six-pack. You have a pony keg!” Lynn said as we all chuckled.
An awkward silence descended on us and I stared at my fidgeting hands. I suddenly remembered that I needed to shower and get ready for work.
“Oh my gosh, I have to go to work today. What time is it?” I screeched as I leaped out of my chair.
“It’s 9:15,” Seth replied.
“Shower…may I take a shower?”
“Why yes,” Lynn said as she lead the way to the bathroom. She showed me where everything was. I dashed to my car and grabbed the bag my clothes were in, frantically searching for my work uniform. I worked at George’s Meat and Produce, a local market, and I was supposed to be to work at 9:30. I was in a panic trying to get ready.
I took my usual two-minute shower, stuck my hair in a ponytail, threw on my uniform and made it to work by 9:40, apologizing profusely for being late.
Mr. George was fine with it. I was never late so I guess he knew I must have a good reason for running behind. We were so busy that 7 p.m. arrived in a flash.
I went to my car and then it hit me. Where should I go? I knew I needed to go back to Seth and Lynn’s, if only to thank them for letting me crash with them. I refused to ask them to let me stay another night. I was still reeling with humiliation over everything that had happened. I was agonizing over my dilemma when I heard the tap at my window. I looked up to see Seth’s face.
“January, Lynn and I want you to stay with us…”
“I can’t do that Seth.” I said as I chewed on my lower lip.
“Please hear me out. We want you to stay with us until you can find somewhere to go. You leave for school soon, right?”
At my nod, he continued, “You can stay in our spare room until then or until you find somewhere else to stay. Okay? And if you decide to stay with us, there will be rules to follow, like there would be in any family situation. So, what do you think?”
I couldn’t help feel suspicious. My head was swimming with all sorts of unpleasantries. Not about them; they had been nothing but kind to me. I just never experienced kindness such as that and it made me extremely suspicious and confused.
“I’m not sure,” I answered him.
I noticed his expression fall as his eyes drooped a bit.
“Look, I know you’re probably overwhelmed with everything that’s happened, but you’ll be safe with us and you’ll have a roof over your head. We really don’t want you out and about on your own. It’s simply not safe January.”
I nodded. He did have a point. I was honestly scared out of my wits. The idea of being thrown into the world unexpectedly was still a shock to me. And it did feel wonderful to sleep in a soft comfy bed and eat that tasty breakfast. I was definitely warming to the idea.
I looked at Seth and nodded. “Okay, but only if you let me help with the cooking and chores and allow me to pay room and board,” I added with a smile.
Chapter 3
It was decided that I would stay with the Campbell’s for the summer before I headed to college. Initially, the whole prospect of moving in with them was a bit daunting. I wasn’t sure if it would work out. My timid personality had me constantly damp with sweat. I worried about saying or doing the wrong thing and I felt so out of place…like that proverbial third wheel.
The Campbell’s didn’t have children and their house was large enough for three, but somehow I felt like a spoon in the fork drawer. Out of place and awkward, the summer couldn’t pass by quickly enough for me.
Several times over the next weeks, I drove by my old house hoping to catch a glimpse of Tommy and Sarah. I was finally rewarded for my efforts one day and I swung in the driveway as I saw them playing in the front yard. As soon as they saw me, they barreled through the grass and reached my car by the time I could pull it to a stop and throw it in park. I jumped out and—oh my gosh—it was so great to see them. I pulled them both into my arms and nearly squeezed them to death. I didn’t want them to see my tears but I didn’t have a choice as they squirmed out of my arms.
Tommy was pogo sticking up and down in excitement and Sarah was grabbing my hand and swinging my arm back and forth.
“January, Mommy said you moved to college,” Tommy accused.
“Not quite sport. I’ll be going in August.” How interesting that they lied to the little ones about me.
Tommy asked me in his own sweet way, “But where’re you staying?”
“Well, honey, I moved a few blocks away from here. So what have you and my favorite little squirt been up to?” I asked as I grabbed little Sa
rah, picked her up and swung her in the air. She giggled and Tommy launched into a play-by-play description of what they had been doing all summer. I was thankful I was able to change the subject and get their attention off of me.
When he finally finished his chronicles of their days spent at the neighborhood pool, I gathered them both in my arms.
“Listen you two, you know how much I love you, right?” When they nodded, I continued, “I’m going to be moving to North Carolina soon but I wanted you to know that I think about you every single day. I’m going to miss you so much I can hardly stand it. Now Tommy, you’re the big guy here and while I’m away, I want you to take care and watch out for Sarah, okay?”
He looked at me with his big brown eyes and dirt-smeared cheek and nodded his head vigorously up and down.
“It’s a very important job to look out for your little sister.”
“I’m not widdle! I’m a big gewrl!” Sarah insisted.
“Right you are Miss and you have an important job too! You need to look out for your big brother!” She nodded her head but Tommy interrupted.
“I’m all grown up and I don’t need her to look out for me,” he said petulantly.
“Oh Tommy, I only wish that were true. Everyone, including me, needs someone to look out for them. It’s important that you do that for each other. You got it?”
“But January, who’ll look out for you?” Tommy asked.
Oh crap…I cannot cry now. No way!
I swallowed the ginormous lump in my throat and tried for a few seconds to speak as I fought to stop my lower lip from trembling. I was finally able to push back the surge of tears and I squeaked, “Well, I’m hoping my new roommates will. And I’ll look out for them in return.”
My beautiful, precious siblings looked at me with their guileless eyes and it nearly split my heart in two. The thought of leaving them forever was the knife that was shredding my heart into pieces. I took a deep shuddering breath to calm myself. I just couldn’t let myself break down in their presence but I was having great difficulty keeping it at bay.
“So, I want you two to behave and mind Mom and Dad. But most importantly, look out for each other. I love you two and I promise to write you as often as I can.”
I heard a creak and looked up to see my mother storming out of the front door with daggers in her eyes. Her thoughts assaulted me in rapid succession…Freaky thing…what is she doing here…I wish she would just disappear. They went on and on to the point I had to close my mind to them. They were making me ill.
“What are you doing here?” her voice dripping with hatred.
“I stopped by to say hello to Tommy and Sarah,” I mumbled. I was numb from her vile thoughts and the iciness of her tone. I couldn’t believe she was treating me like this in front of the kids.
“Tommy, Sarah, in the house…now!”
“That won’t be necessary. I was just leaving.”
I darted a look at the kids and they were so confused I reached out my arms to hug them one last time and tell them everything was fine.
“Don’t you dare touch them! Just…get out of here and don’t ever come back.”
I staggered backwards from the vehemence of her hatred. She had always been a passive woman, not saying much of anything. I was told she abhorred me, but I hadn’t let myself believe it. I knew it was the truth now. Her tone and actions conveyed it all to me. She despised me...bottom line.
“I love you two…more than I can ever tell you.” I blew them a kiss and smiled.
“Tommy, Sarah, in the house I said. Now!” she yelled at them.
They scurried to the porch and disappeared inside.
“That wasn’t really necessary, was it?” I whispered.
“Yes. It was. You are an abomination and I want you gone from here. Now!”
“Why didn’t you abort me when you were pregnant?” The words tumbled out before I could stop them.
She cocked her head and was silent for a second. Her eyes seared me as she said, “That was the biggest mistake of my life and every day I regret my decision to not end that pregnancy.” She spun and went inside, leaving me standing in the driveway, mouth agape. The brutality of her words made everything I had previously felt pale in comparison.
My body felt as though it had been physically abused. I dragged my battered and beaten self into my car and drove until my tears blinded me, forcing me to pull over. I stopped at a wooded park and sat in the parking lot for I’m not quite sure how long. I lost track of time.
When the bone-crushing pain of her words began to recede, I drove back to the Campbell’s. They immediately knew something was wrong.
“I’d rather not talk about it. Please excuse me. I think I’ll go to bed now,” I mumbled, my face etched with pain.
I stumbled into bed and cried myself to sleep, telling myself things would be better the next day. I was wrong. Eventually the stark pain of my mother’s words began to dissipate, and I ultimately came to terms with the fact that I had been raised by two people that hated me. It was a horrific feeling, but at least I knew the truth.
Chapter 4
At nine o’clock on a sultry August morning, after hugging and thanking Seth and Lynn, I backed my Toyota out of the Campbell’s driveway and began my journey to Cullowhee, North Carolina. I was moving to Western North Carolina University to begin stage two of my life. Stage one hadn’t been so hot so I was tentative in my hopes for this one.
Seth and Lynn offered to accompany me, and although they had been nothing but kind to me and I don’t know how I would have made it without them, I wanted to escape everything that was Spartanburg, South Carolina. One of my roommates was also from here, but she wasn’t heading up until the week after next. I was going early to search for employment. I’d been granted an excellent academic scholarship, but since I had no financial means, I’d have to work and earn as much money as possible. Medical school was my ultimate goal, and the debt accompanying that would be mountainous.
I don’t think excited could aptly describe my frame of mind. Anxious was more like it. I was ready to start phase two and was looking forward to meeting new people who were disconnected from my past. I wanted to give the former part of my life a speedy burial and be reincarnated into a new January. Now was that time.
My forever sweaty palms latched onto the steering wheel and navigated my Toyota up the mountains to college town. I normally enjoyed this drive as I was surrounded by the beauty and mystery of the mountains. However, since graduation night, I had existed in a perennial state of anxiety and my thoughts were clouded with worry that day. My jumbled and twisted nerves made it impossible for me to eat much as my stomach was on a continuous carnival ride of loop-t-loops, and as a result, I had lost weight. My clothing resembled sacks more than anything but unfortunately, they would have to do since buying new ones wasn’t in my budget. I was hoping that my nonexistent appetite would reappear and claim my body once again.
It only took about two and a half hours to get to my destination. I’d rented a room for two weeks in one of those efficiency-type motels, as I couldn’t move into my dorm yet. It was reasonably priced and Seth had checked it out through his police network to ensure I’d be safe. It was bare bones but it was clean and conveniently located. I missed my room at the Campbell’s and all their warm chatter, but it wouldn’t do for me to dwell on it.
I carted in my clothes and toiletries and then the job hunt began. Luckily, I landed two jobs by the second day. One was a waitress position at the Purple Onion, a restaurant in Waynesville, which was about a 35-minute drive from Cullowhee. My second job was at the university bookstore. This was a real coup, as I’d be getting a twenty percent discount on all my textbooks. So far so good!
I loaded up on my work hours to get as much in beforehand as possible. I knew when classes started I’d be forced to cut back. Besides, I didn’t know anyone so I didn’t have anything else to do. The ever present clenching of my stomach eased a bit, due to the jobs and the fact
that I would be earning some money.
The restaurant owner was awesome. His name was Lou and he was so accommodating with my schedule. He was a large, balding, grey haired man in his early fifties and he sort of treated me like a daughter...or at least what I thought a daughter would be treated like. I got along famously with all my coworkers and the chef kept telling me he was going to fatten me up. The food was scrumptious. The menu was higher end with a variety of seafood, chicken, beef and vegetarian dishes.
My favorite was the seared tuna. It was mouth-watering sashimi grade tuna seared with sesame seeds on the outside. I balked at trying it at first. I’d never eaten tuna other than from a can. Everyone laughed at me when I said that. It was true, however. I didn’t know tuna fish actually came fresh like that. The first time I placed that tiny morsel in my mouth, I felt it melt and I couldn’t seem to get enough after that!
My job at the bookstore, on the other hand, wasn’t so great. It was exhausting work hoisting and unpacking the heavy boxes and stocking the shelves. The manager, Karl, was okay I guess, but he wasn’t Lou. I suffered through it though because I was jonesing for that textbook discount along with the extra cash.
“January, you’re going to have to hustle a bit more. Tomorrow things are going to pick up and everyday will get busier and busier,” Karl said.
“I’m working as hard as I can Karl. I can’t lift the heavy boxes as easy as the guys can,” I retorted. He expected me to have super strength. I was half the size as some of the others. “Maybe I could do a different job.”
“No, I need you here, doing this. Textbooks are heavy. You knew this when you accepted the job.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll do my best,” I mumbled.
“See that you do.”
Determinant, a YA Paranormal Romance (Book 3 of The Guardians of Vesturon) Page 3
