This time has to be different. I can’t give in to temptation. I have to break free.
My mother isn’t home when I pull into the driveway. I’m still crying. It doesn’t help that I had to drive by the dealership to get to her house. I’m a wreck while carrying my things in the house. My old room is filled with sewing equipment my mom uses for her side job. I move a couple things off my bed and plop down on it. Not much has changed in the ten by twelve space. She’s removed my posters, but the same bedding and curtains remain. I check out every corner to get an idea of where I can put some of Aberdeen’s things. She’s going to want to stay with me on some nights if not all of them. I don’t want this transition to be harder than it needs to be. If she requests to see her father I won’t keep her from him. If we’re good at anything it’s loving her.
I want to believe he’ll be heartbroken when he discovers we’re gone. I have hope that he’ll call me and beg me to come home, but I’m determined I won’t give in. I can’t if I want to have the possibility of a future with him. There’s a good chance this won’t work. I’ll lose my marriage, and he’ll find someone else who can be the person he needs. Right now it’s not me. We’re wrong for each other. If we were two people looking for a relationship at this very moment we wouldn’t be a match. Everyone can see it.
I spend the next hour contemplating going home and forgetting about this stupid plan. It’s easier to deny the truth than to face it. It isn’t until my mother arrives that things get worse.
She doesn’t make a sound until she’s standing in the doorway to my room. Her arms are folded in the front while her eyes focus on my bags I’ve brought inside. “So, this is how it’s going to be?”
“Mom, I just need some time to figure out what I’m doing.”
“A wife belongs at home with her husband if you ask me.”
Her old fashioned opinions are expected. I roll my eyes and pretend it doesn’t bother me. “Yeah, I get that. Just let me stay here for a few days until I can work things out with Bran.”
“Does he know you’re here, or did you do all this behind his back?” She knows me too well. I’m a coward. I can’t look in his eyes and tell him I’m leaving. I snuck away in a sense, to avoid the inevitable. To avoid the look on my husband’s face when I tell him I’m walking out the door and I don’t know if I’ll be returning.
“Yes,” I lie. It’s better than admitting I’m at fault.
“And he agrees with this move?” She giving me that look where she doesn’t believe me. I know it’s only a matter of time before she’s on the phone with his mom trying to come up with a way to bring us back together. Our meddling mothers are so similar they could be the same person. They’ve been close since before we were married, and I’m sure it’s part of the reason Brandon asked for my hand in the first place.
“We’re going to work it out. It’s best if we put some distance between us. Mom, I know you care, but I don’t need the third degree. I could use your support right now. This isn’t easy for me.” I start to feel a burning in my throat while my eyes gloss over. I can barely continue the conversation. “I don’t know what else to do anymore.”
She steps in the room and pulls me into her arms. This makes me more emotional. As much as I need this, I can’t stand that it’s happening. I back away and clear the tears from my eyes. “I won’t be in your way. Aberdeen and I have busy schedules. You’ll hardly know we’re here.”
“I’m not worried about that, honey. I just want to know you’re not making your problems worse.”
“I’m not. I want to be happy. I’m doing this for me. I hope you can respect that.”
She smiles; one of her ways of pretending she is okay with my decisions. I’ve seen it a hundred times before so I know it’s important to let it go. My mom will always be on my side, but she adores Brandon, so it makes it difficult to convince her he’s done something wrong. I don’t want to mention a female answered his phone, because it would imply he cheated. Though I think it’s a possibility, I’m not ready to admit it to anyone else. She’ll just misconstrue it as me not giving my husband what he needs. I know this because my father cheated on my mother when they were first married. I don’t know how she was able to forgive him and learn to trust again, but somehow they say it made them stronger. I’m not built like my mom. I’m not strong, and I certainly don’t know the first thing about forgiveness, especially when the crime was still fresh on my mind, if there is a crime at all. I pray my imagination is playing tricks on me.
After my mother leaves the room, I crawl into the bed and take a nap. I need to rest my mind and my heart. Since it’s important to get Aberdeen from school instead of letting her ride the bus to our house, I’m aware of having to leave early.
The school secretary doesn’t question me when I ask to check her out of school twenty minutes before the final class ends. Aberdeen follows me to the car, but waits until I pull away to ask what is going on.
“Do you have a doctor’s appointment, Mom?”
“No. You and I are going to be staying at Grandma Kay’s for a little while.”
“What about Daddy?”
“He’ll be home taking care of the house. It’s going to be fun,” I add quickly in order to get her excited. “It’s like a trip. You like going to visit Grandma and Grandpa, right?”
“Why are we staying there?” She’s quiet for a second. “Are you and Daddy breaking up?”
My seven year old is once again proving how smart she is. “No. We’re just taking a break.”
“Because you don’t love him anymore?” She asks.
“I love your father very much. It’s not that at all.”
She begins to sniffle, and I feel obligated to pull the car over and comfort her. I wrap my arms around her as soon as I’m able to. “Sweetie, it’s going to be okay.”
“I don’t want to go to Grandma’s house. I want to go home.”
It hurts me to hear she doesn’t want to be with me, but I understand. Brandon isn’t the one who abandoned me. I left him. Her heart is with her father and I can’t argue about it. She’s fragile, and I respect her innocence. I run my hands over her cheeks and look into her eyes. “As soon as I talk to Daddy we’ll see if you can go home with him tonight. Okay?”
She nods, but still sobs quietly as she turns and peers out the window. I broke her heart and I hate myself. It’s another reason why I feel as if this decision will be the biggest mistake of my life.
“Will you come too?”
This is gut-wrenching for me. I hate having to hurt my child, but I knew to expect this from her. It’s going to get worse before it can get better. “I’m sorry, sweetie, but I’m not going to be able to do that. Are you still wanting to spend the night with just Dad?”
She takes a couple seconds to respond. “Yes. I want to go home.”
I can hear her sniffling in the seat next to me, but I don’t dare look in her direction. I know if I do, I’ll lose my shit immediately.
At any minute I’m going to get the call I’ve been waiting all day for. Brandon will arrive home and read my letter. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, or how he’ll take it. All I can hope is that Aberdeen wanting to go home will calm him enough for me be able to continue on with the disastrous plan of mine.
I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m determined I’m not going to fail. What’s meant to be will find a way. That’s the saying. I hope it’s right, or else everything I’m doing will ensure a failed marriage.
Chapter 9
I’m confident that after what happened between us last night Shay has calmed down. I’d hate to come home after a long day and deal with more bullshit, but I’m always prepared for anything when it comes to my wife.
I know she’s not home when I pull into the driveway and find her car gone. It’s not unusual for her to run out to the store because she forgot some ingredient for what she’s making for dinner. I turn off the ignition and climb out of the car at the same time my
neighbor is walking into my yard.
Miss Patsy is famous for asking me for favors, because she’s too old to do the things herself. She’s been a widow for the past five years, and Shay and I feel sorry for her. Her kids live out of state, so they’re no help to her. I offer her a smile when she gets close enough. “Hi, Miss Patsy. How are you today?”
“I’m good, Brandon. I’m doing real good, all except for my hip. It gives me hell every time it rains.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Is there something I can do for you?” I’m still in my work Khakis and a polo shirt, so if it’s a dirty job I’ll have to go inside and change. I hope it’s something small like changing a light bulb.
“I was just wondering how long Shayla will be gone.”
I shrug. “I’m not real sure. She didn’t say she had to be anywhere.”
She gives me an inquisitive gaze. “From the amount of luggage she was loading into the car I assumed she was going on a trip.”
I don’t hesitate. I leave the old lady standing in my driveway while I bolt for my back door. Once inside I see the white folded piece of paper on the kitchen table. It isn’t addressed, but it’s obvious it was meant for me. I sit down and stare at it for a second before opening it.
Brandon,
This has been a long time coming. You and I both know it. I can’t keep going like this. As much as our family means to me, I have to leave. We can’t be in the same room together unless we’re fighting or fucking. That’s no way to live.
The truth is, I’m not happy. Neither are you. We’re making each other miserable. I love you, but it’s not enough. I think we both know that much.
I’ll be staying at my parent’s house until I can figure out what to do next. Give me some time and we’ll get a schedule in order for Aberdeen. I’d like to keep this amicable for her benefit. She’s going to be devastated, so it’s important we still work together to show her we can still love her the same from separate homes.
For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for my part in this. You’ve been good to me, but it’s never been enough. I’ve settled for too long. I hope you won’t fight me. Maybe one day you’ll appreciate that I made this decision for the both of us. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Shayla
I swallow the lump in my throat and read it again. Is she serious? She thinks she can leave me without discussing it like normal adults?
I pick the phone from my pocket and call her. It rings two times before she answers.
“I guess you’re home.”
“What the hell are you doing, Shay?”
“I’m not getting into this with you. Our daughter wants to stay with you tonight. Where do you want to meet?”
“Meet? Why can’t you bring her to me?”
“Because that’s not how it’s going to work,” she argues.
My stomach hurts. I’m shaking, and if someone walks in front of me at this very moment I’ll rip their throat out. I’ve never been vulnerable, but this is torture. “Babe, don’t do this. Come home. We’ll figure it out together.”
I can tell she’s fighting her own emotions. “Bran, please. Just meet me somewhere.”
I hate this. I only found out she was gone minutes ago and I’m barely able to keep it together. This sucks. “Where?” I ask. I want to get Aberdeen home, but not just because it’s where she belongs. I hope her mother will follow.
“Meet me in the grocery store parking lot in thirty minutes. I promised Ab I’d get her a burger. We’re on the way there now.”
I imagine them having a special meal without me. She’s obviously taken our daughter out to butter her up. She wants Aberdeen on her side of this, and I’m not ready to let that happen. I won’t be the bad guy. “I’ll see you in half hour,” I say before hanging up.
I’ve had a change of plans after getting out of my work clothes. I throw on some jeans and a clean T-shirt and head in the direction of my child’s favorite fast food franchise. When I spot my wife’s car I know I’m in the right place. She’s asked me to meet her somewhere else, but I don’t follow directions well when I’m being forced to do something. If she thinks she can leave me without a fight I’m going to show her how difficult I can be.
I waste no time. I saunter in the place like I own it, scoping the tables to locate them. They don’t see me as I approach, but when my wife does catch a glimpse I can tell she’s pissed. I scoot in next to her and steal a fry from Aberdeen. It takes everything in me not to make a big deal out of it. “Look who we have here,” I tease.
“Daddy’s here,” Ab says as she smiles with two front teeth missing.
“Sorry I’m late.”
I watch Shay roll her eyes. She’s pissed. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she’s also amused. Unbeknownst to me, I’ve gone out of my way for her attention. It’s exactly what she’s been asking me to do for years. She shakes her head. “I told you to meet me in the parking lot, Bran.”
“That wasn’t going to work for me.”
She leans over to speak directly to our daughter. “Why don’t you take the rest of your fries and go play in the funhouse while Daddy and I talk?”
She seems excited. Usually we make her finish eating first. We both watch her leave the area before I’m given the stink eye. Shay shoves me. “You’re an asshole.”
I laugh. “Just stop being stupid and come home where you belong.”
“Why? Why would I want to be there? All we do is fight. It’s redundant.”
Even if I don’t know for sure, I feel like this is a test to see how I’ll react to her leaving. I’m not sure if I should be mad, or do what it takes to please her so she’ll stop being ridiculous and come home with me. “Shay, I can give you plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t leave.”
“Are any of them unselfish? Doing your laundry, packing your lunches, and making sure you’re taken care of isn’t what I’m talking about. Give me another reason. I’m not asking for a lot. Just start with one.”
I shrug. “Because I don’t want you to leave. Isn’t that enough?” I wait for her response, though I already know it’s not what I want to hear.
“No. Not anymore. I’m sorry,” she says as she stands and puts her purse over her shoulder. She waves for Aberdeen to come back to the table. It’s obvious she’s not happy she has to stop playing in the germ infested tubes.
“How long do you think this will last?”
“Bran, I don’t know, and I’m done talking about it. I need time.”
“How much time?”
Her apprehension scares me. She shrugs but won’t answer.
“So you’re leaving me? That’s how it’s going to be? We’re done? All the years of bickering and you pick today to leave? What triggered it? What did I do that was the last straw? How am I supposed to fix this?”
“You can’t. This should have happened a long time ago, but I kept telling myself it would get better. It’s not getting better. I’m tired of holding out hope that you’ll change. I’m sick of hating the way I feel about myself. You want reasons, there you go. There’s two good reasons why I’m not giving in. We’re done discussing this tonight, Bran. The damage is done. Our daughter is coming back, so put on a happy face like we’re okay.”
I’m clenching my jaw to keep my thoughts at bay. She still hasn’t told me what triggered this. Not even twenty four hours before we were in bed together, and now she’s about to walk out of my life like she doesn’t give a damn about me. If she’s trying to hurt me it’s working.
Shayla fixes Aberdeen’s hair when she gets back to the table. She leans down and kisses our daughter before looking back at me. I hate how she’s acting like everything is okay, as if we’ve agreed to this separation. She wants me to put on a brave face and pretend I’m content. I don’t know if I can look into my daughter’s eyes and lie to her. It’s not right.
Shayla keeps her cool as she speaks again, but I can tell she’s about to fall apart. I’ve seen that look before. She’s
fighting tears, and it’s only a matter of time before she loses it. “I’m going to go since you’re here. Do you need me to come by to put her on the bus in the morning or do you think you can manage it on your own?”
My brow furrows. I’m pissed she thinks I can’t take care of our daughter without her help. “You don’t have to come by. I can handle it.” I want to prove to her that I’m capable. She thinks I’m worthless, so it’s important I show her I’m not.
“Good. I’ll pick her up like I did today and we’ll figure out where she wants to stay tomorrow night and so on. I’m sure after a few weeks we’ll be able to come up with a schedule that works for us both without having to get the courts involved.”
Wait a minute. She’s talking like she knows she’s not coming back. Weeks? Is she seriously going along with this idea of hers? Is my wife leaving me for good? I’m not happy about this, and it’s probably flashing across my face like a neon sign. “If that’s what you think is best.”
She nods. “It is.” Shayla manages to give me another fake smile. I can see that she’s about to break down. It’s killing me not to be able to take her in my arms and make the pain go away, even when I know I’m the reason.
“I love you.” It comes out sudden, but exactly at the right time. “You know where to find us.”
She walks out of the restaurant abruptly. I grit my teeth and avoid eye contact with Aberdeen for a few seconds to control my emotions. This is like a kick to the balls. How am I supposed to act like nothing is wrong around my child when I have no idea what the hell is going to happen? If my wife doesn’t change her mind, what am I supposed to do? Does she expect to move on? Is there someone already in her life?
I’m hurt. It’s sudden and unexpected. I’m going to need time to figure out what I want to do to save my family. Right now I’ll give her the space she requires, but I can’t hold out forever. I refuse to. I’m a man with needs, and after seven years of sticking around, I feel like she owes me more than a quick goodbye.
Because (Seven Year Itch #4) Page 6
