I disagree. “I’d rather be miserable and have you next to me then assume we’ll be happy apart.”
This shocks her. I can tell she’s taken back by my assumption. “You can’t say things like this now. It’s too late.”
“It’s never too late. You think I don’t love you enough, but you’re wrong.”
“No. I can’t hear this. You can’t change in a matter of minutes. I know you mean well, and maybe you think you can be someone else, but it’s not that simple. I’d rather love you forever as a friend than lose every part of us.”
“I’m nothing without you,” I manage to get out. My body begins to shake as I break down right in front of her. She’s still letting me hold her hand. I don’t know why it represents hope for me, but it does. I feel like she’d let go if there was nothing left to try for. “Please reconsider.”
This is when she pulls away. Maybe she’s figured out being close to me only hurts worse. “Bran, I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Say you’ll give me another chance. Say you still want us.”
“I don’t. Not anymore. I’ve been hurt too many times. You’ve taken me for granted for too long. I’m broken because of you. Don’t you get that? Being with you makes me weak.”
“We can change together.” I say.
She shakes her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looks exhausted and I know I’m to blame. “I’m sorry, Bran. This is the right decision for me. It hurts like a bitch, but I think if we can manage to get through it in one piece we’ll both come out as stronger individuals.”
“You sound like your shrink.”
“I’m learning how to be independent instead of codependent. We’ve always had each other. We don’t know how to live apart. It’s a huge complication. Promise me you’ll try to see the good in this. I need to know you’re going to be okay.”
“I can’t promise that. Knowing you’re giving up on me is devastating.”
“I know. We have to be strong for Aberdeen. She needs us. We’re her family.”
I finally conjure up what I feel is the best smile possible. “Yeah, we are.”
Shayla reaches her hand over for me take again. “We’ll get through this, Bran. I need to remain friends with you. I care deeply for you. I believe you’re the love of my life. I’ll never hate you, not even when you make stupid mistakes. All I’ve ever wanted was to be your best friend. Maybe in time it will finally happen.”
I can’t take anymore. I get up from the table while recalling the last time she’s brought this topic up. I refused her over and over again, making her feel like a piece of shit. I deserve this outcome, and I know it now more than ever before.
Chapter 20
The pain is never ending. One week turns into a month, and before I know it I’m getting used to this new lifestyle change. I’ve lost a total of thirty six pounds, and still work out each morning before starting my day, the only difference is that I do it from the comfort of my living room. Since I’m not staying at my parents I have to be close to Aberdeen at all times. I feel better about myself, however learning to love every part of me is still a challenge. Something is missing in my life, and though I search for the answer, I can’t seem to come up with any sort of solution.
I’m lonely all the time. I cry more than ever before. I’m scared to open up to people, and rarely go anywhere to socialize.
I don’t want to consider myself single. I can’t imagine dating again. Maybe it’s just too early and with time my opinions will change. I don’t see how it’s possible when my heart still belongs to Brandon.
According to Maryland State law, it’s required to be separated for an entire year before I’m able to file for divorce. Brandon and I have stopped fighting. In fact, ever since I told him our marriage was over he’s been distant. I wouldn’t say he’s purposely shutting me out. It’s more like being around each other only makes us upset, so we avoid it at all costs. It’s getting easier to move forward, but I miss him. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. We spent seven years being married and now he’s not in my life. After more than a month of living apart, we’ve gotten into a good routine where we don’t have to see each other. He drops her off on Saturday and picks her up from school on Wednesday. A few times he got out of his car and waved to me through the window, but that’s as close as we’ve come to being in close proximity. Sometimes I pretend we have a restraining order we have to abide by. It’s silly, but feels better than accepting he can’t stand being near me without regret.
I don’t want hard feelings between us. I’m just as much at fault as he is. Since a bit of time has passed, I often wonder if he was telling me the truth about the girl I caught in our house, though I’ve never once asked about it. The damage was done way before that anyway.
Apart from my normal responsibilities of being a parent, I’ve maintained a friendship with Char. She’s been there for me when I felt like my life was falling apart. I can tell her things I’m not comfortable talking about with my father, and most especially my mom.
When I don’t have Aberdeen it’s hard to sit around the house and remember all the moments I shared with Brandon here. I miss making him dinner, and how he’d always want to shower before we ate. Most of all I miss him being next to me when I go to sleep. It’s funny, when he used to pass out on the couch I didn’t mind it as much, but knowing he’s never going to fill that spot again kills me. It would be easy to take back my life, but more difficult to let go of everything else.
I wonder how people dealt with this back in the day when divorce and separation were frowned upon. Did affairs get swept under the rug? If no one talked about it, did it mean it never happened? I’m not saying an affair ruined my marriage. If Brandon cheated on me I didn’t have enough proof to justify the drastic measure I took to leave him. Sure, I suspected he wasn’t being honest. I even thought he might have a secret life I didn’t know about, but nothing had been proven.
None of that matters anymore. The damage has been done, and now we’re left with an irreparable reality neither of us can deny.
My father, being the man he is, stops by as much as he can without making me feel smothered. He wants me to take some college courses focusing on nutritional fitness management, claiming I could make more money doing something I’ve become so interested in. I’m seriously thinking about it, because sitting at home when Aberdeen isn’t there is downright killing me.
Getting pregnant in high school ruined my plans of going to college. Brandon promised he could provide for us and for a while it worked. Now that I’m on my own I know I can’t rely on a part-time job at Target to pay for groceries and other necessities we may need. When it comes to Aberdeen, Brandon is good about providing for whatever she needs or wants. He spoils her, probably a lot more now than when we were together. Sometimes I think he does it to win her affection. I’m obviously a terrible judge of character, so it’s best I keep my assumptions to myself. He always said I put words in his mouth. The new me is trying my best to avoid such actions.
Another week rolls by before I get a hair up my ass and crave a change. I’m bored and think a new look will liven me up. Char takes me to her favorite salon an hour across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. I splurge and go for something I’ve never been able to afford before.
Three hours and two hundred and twenty bucks later I’m staring into a mirror at a complete stranger. Sure, I’ve lost a ton of weight and started wearing different clothing, but this is the icing on the cake. I’m blonde. Wavy layers are done throughout my length. The beautician has even shown me a better way to apply my makeup. I’m stunning, and for the first time in as long as I can remember I feel absolutely beautiful.
It’s then when Char decides we’re going out to celebrate my new look. I detest nightclubs, but am resolved to do whatever she thinks will show me off. As soon as we walk into the first bar I can feel eyes on me. At first I’m uncomfortable in my own skin, up until a handsome gentleman looking to be in his early twent
ies walks right up to me and asks me to dance.
In all honesty I feel like I’m cheating. As much as I want to enjoy myself, I feel as if I’m breaking vows I promised to keep close to my heart. It’s ridiculous really. I’m sure by this point Brandon has gone on a date, or at the least started chatting with girls online. He craves the attention of the opposite sex, so it would surprise me to discover I’m wrong. Still, I’m not him. I have values, and in this exact moment I feel as if I can’t go against my own morals.
While Char makes her way onto the dance floor, a drink in one hand and her cell in the other, I sneak to an nearby corner to people watch. That’s when I spot Cara, Toby’s fiancée walking in my direction. Her smile lets me know she’s impressed. “Shayla. Holy shit, girl. What the hell have you done to yourself? You look fantastic.”
“Thanks. I guess breaking up with Brandon has it’s perks,” I sarcastically reply.
“I guess so. I wasn’t sure it was you. I just can’t believe the change.”
“I’ve lost a few pounds and been to a stylist. It’s not a big deal.”
“You seriously look as good as you did in your high school photos. Toby is going to shit when he sees you.”
I don’t expect to get invited to the wedding, especially when I know Brandon is the best man. “Have you set a date yet?”
“It’s next month, actually.”
“I’m sure you’ve been busy.”
“I’ve been waiting my whole life for it. Any advice?”
I sip at my mixed drink. “I don’t think you want advice from me.”
“Come on. Surely you can give me something.”
“Never give up on what you love the most. It’ll be the biggest regret of your life if you do.”
My morbid reply gets the point across. She offers a friendly hug and disappears in the crowd. I don’t spot her until a little later on and I’m shocked by the company she keeps. Toby is standing with a glass of dark liquor while Brandon is at his side. They’re laughing about something together. Before they can notice me I hurry to find Char and get out of here.
I look everywhere and finally stop by the bathroom in hopes of locating her. Just as I’m about to walk inside I hear someone talking close to my ear. His voice can’t be mistaken. “Fancy meeting you here.”
I spin around and come face to face with my husband, or ex, or whatever you’d call him at this point. “Bran. I was just looking for my friend so we can get out of here.”
“What’s the rush?” He asks.
“This isn’t really my thing.”
He nods. “I know. I was surprised when Cara said she saw you. To be honest I tried to keep my distance, but then I saw you and I just couldn’t stop myself. It’s been a while. I never would have imagined how much you could change in such little time.”
“I needed a new look.”
“I can’t take my eyes off of you.”
Just like that I can feel warmth forming in all the right places. His hazel eyes are beckoning me, and if I fall, I know he’s going to be the one to catch me. I have to get away from him. “I need to find my friend,” I say while pretending to ignore his comment.
“Dance with me, Shay.” He tries to take my hand and lead me.
I jerk away. “I can’t dance. You of all people should know that.”
He steps forward and breaks the distance between us. His height forces him to look down into my eyes. I can smell a hint of his cologne when he’s this close. He drags the back of his hand over my cheek. I close my eyes and absorb the way it feels to be touched again. “I miss you.”
As much as I want to say it back it’s only adding fuel to the fire. “It was great seeing you, Bran. You seem like you’re doing well. I better get going before my friend leaves without me.”
As fast as a walk can be without turning into a canter, I haul ass out of the bar. I don’t know where Char is and it doesn’t even matter. I have to get away from him. Being that close again made me want things I swore I wouldn’t ever do again.
I can’t change the past. I can’t change him. I have to continue to remind myself of this so I can walk away without regret.
Chapter 21
“She’s still my wife, dude.” I argue with Toby.
“She’s made it clear you’re not together anymore. Come on, this night was supposed to be a new start.”
“I don’t see it that way at all. I see it as a sign that I can’t give up. Did you look at her? How can you expect me to walk away from that? She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
“Your partial to her because she’s your wife.”
“Exactly!” I remind him. “She’s still mine. I don’t care what I have to do. I have to talk to her again.”
He doesn’t think it’s a good idea. I can’t blame him for worrying. He’s seen me go through hell this past month. The pain I’ve endured, the lessons I’m still learning are all leading me to one conclusion. I need my life back. I want my family and most importantly my wife.
Except she’s made it abundantly clear I’m no longer what she wants. It’s painstaking. I don’t know the first thing about romancing a relationship back from the dead. What I do know is that when I look into her eyes I still see our future. I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s a feeling I’m not able to shake. Whatever the case, I refuse to give up.
“Look, I know you’re excited about seeing Shay again. I don’t blame you. She looks amazing, and it’s obvious she’s been working hard to move on. You should be proud of what she’s been able to do in such little time, but that doesn’t mean she wants things to go back to the way they were before. I’m not trying to burst your bubble, I’m just trying to offer some advice. You can’t go down that road again, not without consequences. Shay has obviously closed the door to one part of her life and she’s trying to open another.”
“Why can’t I be a part of the new one?”
“I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m only advising you to do it with the knowledge that you still have to bring something new to the table, or else you’re just the husband she wants to forget about.”
“Sometimes you suck at being a friend.”
“It takes a dick to know one.” He puts his arm around me and jerks my body into a masculine hug. “If you’re determined to win back your wife, I’m afraid you’re going to have to change everything, starting with your attitude.”
I wasn’t sure what that meant, but after seeing Shay again, I know I have to try.
Three days later I’m staring at a dating profile on the computer. Cara and Toby are behind me, both waiting for me to hit the button that will put me out there for all to see. They claim this has to be done before I can be sure I’m ready to commit to my marriage one-hundred percent. I think they’re being ridiculous. Just because I’ve looked in the past doesn’t mean I’ve ever touched. “Are you sure this is the best idea? What if Shay sees it?”
“Seriously? Just do it. You can delete it after one date.”
As stupid as the idea is, I hit the accept button and watch the screen fill with potential women I may be interested in.
I moved to the side and let Toby and Cara sit down to select the best candidate. “Okay, she has to be smoking hot,” Cara states.
“And like kids,” Toby adds.
“We don’t want slutty,” Cara deletes a few she passes.
I roll my eyes as I stand up and leave the room. If they think I’m going to talk to any of these strange women they’re mistaken. This won’t win back my wife.
They kept on the search for my date even after I leave their apartment. While on my way home to my parents’ place, I swing by the house I once shared with Shay and Ab. The light is on in the kitchen so I know she’s still awake. I pull the car over on the shoulder of the road and stare into the window to catch a glimpse.
I don’t know what makes me do it, but I step out and walk up the porch steps. I see her just as I knock two times lightly. Shay comes to the door and cracks
it open. “Bran, is something wrong?”
“Do you think we can talk?” I ask.
“It’s not a good idea. I just put Ab to bed.”
“Come outside then. We can sit here on the porch.”
She contemplates it for a second and then finally gives in. She sits on the step next to me and places her hands on her knees. “What’s up? Is it about the other night at the bar? I just want you to know I never go there. It was a one-time thing. My friend suggested it.”
“It’s not about that, although seeing you made my night.”
“I’m sure there were other women more attractive.”
“I didn’t notice. Once I laid eyes on you the earth stopped spinning.”
It’s quiet for a second. I’ve rendered her speechless.
“Shay, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind since seeing you. I stopped by tonight to ask if you’d want to be my plus one for Toby’s wedding. It’s a month away, so I don’t need an answer now. I just thought I’d throw it out there.”
“It’s probably not a good idea, Bran. Your friends haven’t liked me for a long time.”
“You’re wrong.” She was spot on, but people can change. Shay was strong enough to leave me. She knows what she wants. I can tell she’s not the fragile woman I fought with every single night. Something is very different. “Will you at least think about it? The invite was addressed to both of us.” It really wasn’t, but only because we were already separated. “It’s just a wedding. I’m not asking for your hand in marriage.”
After I say it I sit there with my foot in my mouth. It’s uncomfortable to know I’ve taken the conversation and fucked it to hell that quickly. This is exactly the kind of changes I still need to make. Maybe Toby was right. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong.”
“No. It’s fine.” She sort of laughs to herself. “Remember when you proposed? We were outside of that pawn shop after you finally paid off the ring you bought me.”
Because (Seven Year Itch #4) Page 13
