“I don’t get it.”
Like the seagulls that queued patiently in front of them weren’t getting chips but hung around just in case.
“Are you doing anything tonight?”
She made a face and shook her head.
“Come have dinner with Charlie and the girls and me tonight.”
“Ah.” Another face. “I don’t think so.”
“That’s what you don’t get. I love my family. You like them in small, controlled doses. You loved me, but you wanted me to be different, more ambitious. Louder, more dominant. That’s why we were never going to work.”
“That’s not fair, Reece. I only wanted you to be the best you could.”
“I’m my best me when I’m with Audrey and Mia.”
Sky made a gagging sound.
He lifted his arm to pat her on the back and realised she wasn’t choking, she was mocking him. “Nice.”
“It’s the best I can do. I’m not going to get a second chance with you and I’m pissed off.”
He opened his mouth to answer and his phone rang. Audrey. He showed Sky the screen as he stood, moved away to answer. “Hi.”
“Hi. Can you talk?”
She was brisk. “Sure, everything okay?”
“Barrett’s here. He’s going to stay with us for a couple of weeks.
“Oh, okay.” What did that mean? Barrett would be in the guest room, his room. “How do I handle that with Mia Monday?” There was a long silence and he thought the call had dropped. “Audrey?”
“I don’t want you to come on Monday.”
“What?” He wrapped his free hand around railing on the walkway.
“Listen, Reece. We got too close too fast. I was so sick and you were wonderful, but I didn’t know everything I needed to know about you and what I saw last night changed the way I feel.”
The sun blazed and he felt cold. He held onto the guardrail because it wasn’t moving and everything else in his life was. “You’re breaking up with me?”
“Yes.”
“Because I beat some guys up before they beat me?”
“Say it, Reece. That you saved me again. You did. I’m grateful. But I think I should’ve known about that part of you, and that part of you isn’t compatible with someone I want caring for Mia.”
The scab on his middle knuckle split, but he didn’t le the railing go. There had to be a way to fix this. “So we cool it and take a breather. We can go back to—”
“No.”
“You’re sacking me.”
“I’ll provide severance. I’ll be generous, Reece. I’ll ever forget what we owe you, Mia and me.”
“Fuck, Audrey. Fuck.” No, no, no. This wasn’t how it should be.
“That’s not helping.”
“Last night was an accident. If it hadn’t happened—”
“But it did. If it hadn’t, were you ever going to tell me about that part of your life?”
He took a lungful of breath and tried to hold it, tried to calm down. “I’m not that man anymore. Fuck. Give me a chance to explain. Let me see you.”
“No.”
“Audrey.” He might’ve plucked that railing from its cement footing, like it was made of Lego.
“I’ll bank your severance Monday. I’ll have Les drop a bag of things you left at the house to Polly. She’ll ask Polly for your house keys.”
“That’s it. I don’t get to say good bye to Mia?”
“It’s better this way. It will upset her.”
“Fuck.”
She disconnected.
He pounded the hand holding his phone into the guardrail once, twice, till the phone shattered. He opened the cuts on his knuckles and blood dripped down his hand.
Sky stopped him doing any further damage, freaking out any more people on the promenade. She came to dinner that night. He sat at the head of the table with six women he cared about, who still cared about him.
22: Losing Control
Barrett had a broken heart. That’s why he was back. Nothing to do with hunting for new stock, like he’d told Audrey, and everything to do with avoiding Jeremy, his partner of three years. He was basically hiding out, though he could certainly afford to stay anywhere he wanted, so behind that was his genuine concern about what would be done for Mia if anything terminal did happen to Audrey.
He looked miserable and he meant well. And he noticed she was miserable too. That was the thing with Barrett, he came off like he drifted above ordinary mortals, that he was bored by everyday life, but he didn’t miss a trick while his head was stuck in Antique Trader.
He told her to cry and she did. Again. Enormous ugly-making, snot projecting tears. It had been a year of loss and shock and feeling out of control. She’d cried more this year than in her whole adult life. She wished she’d never met Reece, never invited him into her home, never been stupid enough to sleep with him because he was beautiful and she was shaken and lonely, or fall in love with him because he saved her life and made her feel cared for and cherished.
It was out of character for her to be so wild. She was not right in the head after the meningitis, that’s why it happened. And she should’ve known that and not made any decisions that would muck with her plans. The best she could do now was move on as fast as possible, get back with the program, be better organised for Mia, focus on work and pull her life together.
And Barrett agreed, because that’s what Barrett generally did, until the point where he didn’t.
They spent the first night together with wine and take out, with Mia alternatively shy with Barrett and a rampaging monkey who wanted to hang off him like she did Reece.
Barrett tolerated her sticky fingers and sharp elbows, her loud bellowing and chewed bottom lip with gritted teeth and humour that went over her head, but at the same time registered with her as an insult. She might only be a little kid, but she knew Barrett was being an irritable pompous twit.
They took turns putting Mia back to bed, drank too much wine and cried into their tiger prawns. Jeremy had been covertly unfaithful. Reece had a secret violent streak. Jeremy was an ungrateful deceiver. Reece was a flagrant liar. Jeremy was a bitch. Reece was a bastard. Jeremy was the best lay Barrett ever had, and the most outstanding business partner. Audrey would never find a man who’d give her more physical pleasure or more warmth and consideration than Reece. Barrett would take Jeremy back in a heartbeat, if the devil would grovel. Audrey would go after Reece if she could first buy a time machine and wipe out his vicious past.
It was a good thing they were shot of them.
Barrett said he’d take over as nanny until Audrey could find a new one. Audrey planned to ring around the local kindys and see if she could bribe her way to a place for Mia. She was sure Merrill would take her for the occasional overnights. It was a good plan, it would work.
It worked for one and a half days. Because that’s the other thing about Barrett. He wasn’t good with compromise. Or children. Mia had an epic tantrum when Barrett wouldn’t dance with her on Tuesday and Audrey had to come home from work.
Cameron arrived Wednesday morning to save them all from killing each other.
Reece arrived Friday morning to make Audrey wish they had.
He knocked on the door and Mia got there first. By the time Audrey appeared, dressed for work but shoeless, without having done her hair or make-up, Mia was in Reece’s arms whispering jokes and lies in his ear.
She stood inside the house. He stood in the driveway. “What are you doing here, Reece?”
He jogged Mia on his hip, looked Audrey straight in the eye. “I need to see you.”
He looked perfect, standing there with Mia, watching her as though his happiness depended on the next thing she said. “This is not a good time.”
“It’s a good time, Mum. It is.”
If she was weak, she’d forget about the fact Reece had an extraordinary capacity to be brutally aggressive and he’d kept that information from her. “Reece, put Mia down please.”
He tried, but Mia screamed and clutched tight around his neck. Audrey felt nauseous.
“Audrey, please talk to me,” he said, before Cameron appeared in the doorway and his eyes shifted to her.
Cameron smiled then frowned, her eyes hopping from Reece and Mia to Audrey. “Can I help?”
“Hey, Cameron.” Reece looked confused too. Pleased to see Cameron till the second he figured out why she was there and his shoulders sagged.
Cameron went down the steps into the driveway. She reached for Mia. “Come on, you need to have your breakfast before we go to the park.”
“Nooo.”
“Please, Mia,” Cameron said.
Audrey said, “Mia,” a little sharper than she’d intended, but this had to stop.
“Fuck,” said Mia.
She created the kind of silence that followed a catastrophic event, the precise moment before all hell broke loose. Audrey and Cameron spoke at once. Reece said something she didn’t hear. Barrett appeared in the hall and Mia started wailing. She pushed her face into Reece’s neck and howled as if she was on fire.
He held her, his eyes lowered. He stroked her back and spoke softly to her till she grew quieter. Then he crouched to put her feet to the ground. “What are you having for breakfast?”
She sniffed. “I don’t want it.” The register of her voice was high-pitched wobble.
Cameron put a hand to Mia’s hair. “Egg with toast soldiers.” She and Reece exchanged a sympathetic look.
Reece manoeuvred Mia to a standing position. “I wish that was my breakfast. Do you know what I had for breakfast?”
Mia shook her head. He leaned in and whispered in her ear.
“Did you?” She was red faced, tear streaked and sniffing. She looked slightly horrified, but she was standing by herself without him propping her up. He nodded and she laughed.
“Yuck. You can share my breakfast.”
He stood, his hand on her head. “You go eat first with Cameron.”
Mia tipped her head back to look up at him. “But you’ll come?”
He looked across at Audrey and she saw all the reasons she loved him, his gentleness and thoughtfulness, and then she remembered the blood and the shouts of pain, the crunch of bone, the matter of fact checking of pulses, and the way he could wield viciousness with the same ease he cracked jokes about breakfast.
“Go with Cameron, Mia,” she said.
Mia and Cameron came up the stairs. Barrett coughed, though he already had Reece’s attention. “I’m Barrett. Should I be throwing my weight around?”
“I’m not here to cause trouble. I need five minutes with Audrey,” said Reece.
She held a hand up to Barrett and stepped back into her bedroom for shoes. She was going to be late for work. Mia had been asking about Reece and so far had been easily fobbed off by the excitement of Barrett and Cameron, but that was over.
She heard Barrett say, “I don’t think she wants two minutes with you. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be,” and stepped back into the hallway in her heels.
Reece was watching for her. “I’ll make it as easy as she wants. I’ll swap my severance payment for five minutes with her.”
Barrett was amused by that. Audrey was wrecked. The severance was the least she owed him and in five minutes he could unwind her resolve as easy as the sight of his distress was unravelling her emotions. “You need to go, Reece.”
“Five minutes.”
Barrett intervened. “You trained as a boxer?”
Reece’s chin came up, his glance switched to Barrett. “I trained as a street fighter. Mixed martial arts. No rules, open combat. But that was years ago.”
“And you didn’t think to tell Audrey about it. Didn’t think that was pertinent?”
Reece’s hands came together, his fingers interlocking. His knuckles were scabbed and bruised. This was a street fight too and Audrey wanted it over before anyone got more hurt.
“What’s your role here?” he said to Barrett.
Barrett held his hand out to her and she took it. “I’m Audrey’s friend and Mia’s father, what’s yours?”
The expression on Reece’s face caught her full force in the chest and ripped her open. She had stripped him of his meaning in this. Was she wrong? Was she panicking again, like she’d done recovering from meningitis? Did she really want to be without Reece? He’d lied. He’d told her she knew everything there was to know about him. What other secrets did he have that could hurt Mia?
She took her hand from Barrett. “It’s okay.” She owed Reece this.
She went out the door and down the steps. She stood in front of Reece and viewed the wreckage of him up close. It wasn’t that he looked any different, but he was. She saw him as she’d done that very first day, a hulking, beautiful man, surprising for his softness, out of place and time with his skills and chosen career.
He was inconsistent, he was too young, they wanted different things, were in different places in their lives. And yet, he would bend for her beyond all that was best for him. He was simply unsuitable, and she couldn’t bear for this to hurt him anymore.
“You can’t come here like this.” If he fought her she’d cut him off quickly. But they didn’t need an audience. She gave Barrett a wave. He nodded and moved out of the doorway into the house.
Reece folded his arms and she knew that was to prevent reaching for her. “Let me explain.”
She had to furl her own fists to stop from doing the same to him. “No, it’s done. There is nothing for you to say and this is upsetting for all of us.”
“You’re very pale, baby. No dizziness. No tingles or headaches.”
“Reece. Stop.” Please, please stop, please go, please don’t make this harder.
“Don’t cut me off like this.”
“What do you want me to say that I haven’t already? It was a mistake to get involved. I made a bad decision and you kept your secrets and there’s no going back.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. Tell me you don’t love me.”
It was easier if she looked at his big boat-like shoes than his wonderful face and those eyes gone dark. “It’s not as easy as that.”
“Yeah, it is. I love you and Mia and I want to be with you both.”
She shook her head. She couldn’t be his family. She knew how to do self-reliance, not the muck of needing people you couldn’t control with a salary, with a position. Family in the traditional sense had never worked well for her like it did for others and she couldn’t be the reason Reece didn’t get to have one of his own.
“I need you to leave.”
He didn’t move. He was a fortress. He would protect her and Mia till the day he died and she’d never wanted anyone’s protection till she wanted it to save herself from him. She could feel him watching her, but she wasn’t ready for him to move. He cupped the back of her neck and put his lips to her forehead, so infinitesimally slowly and tenderly she wasn’t ready to catch her sob either.
“Your temperature is up. I need to know you’ll look after yourself,” he said, his breath in her hair.
She wanted to twist her hands in his shirt, hook them into the waistband of his jeans and hold him to her. Her temperature was up because that’s what happens when you break your own heart. “Please go.”
He stepped back and broke her imaginary grip, broke her all over like she was one of Mia’s toys stepped on and busted open.
“You asked what it would take to make me lose control, fall apart.”
His voice wavered and that all by itself, that hesitancy and hurt, almost made her stagger.
“This is how you do it to me, Audrey. It’s not six guys threatening me, menacing you in an alley. It’s not having you learn the worst of me. It’s not even the idea of having to share you with Barrett. It’s this. Knowing you don’t love me like I do you and sending me away.”
She didn’t see him go. She couldn’t see anything, only a dirty, gritty film over the world, like he�
��d taken her sight when he took his leave. She heard his car start. She felt Barrett’s arm around her. She stumbled on the stairs and nearly fell. She has no feeling in her body. But she’d done it. She’d freed Reece. She’d restored her own independence. She was back in control.
It was all mechanical then. Eating the bacon sandwich Cameron pressed on her, doing her hair, putting on lipstick. She drove to work and parked. She bought coffee on the way to her desk. She had back to back meetings on new projects she was keenly interested in. And the memo about her promotion went live, her inbox filling with congratulatory notes.
At 11.30am she thought about how Cameron would be ready to come home from the park to get Mia’s lunch. This was the old Wiggle time. She went to her desktop, she could disable the nanny cam software now. She opened it up and glanced at the file listing, the visual icons showing her a still from what’d been recorded. There was one of Etta, Flip and Mia. She played the file and smiled. Mia was having fun, calling Etta and Flip, sister. There was one of Reece and she hovered over it. Playing it was a stupid idea. She was fragile enough without beating herself up.
She played it. Of course she played it.
Reece stood in front of the hidden camera in the TV, deliberately facing it down. It was the day he’d discovered the nanny cam had been recording him. He was furious. He had the gear he’d ripped out of its housing in the kitchen in his hand. She could almost see steam rising from his shoulders. She half expected him to attack the TV to find that camera too, though she knew he’d done no such thing. What he had done was recognise his anger and try to keep it out of her way.
“You could’ve told me about this,” the Reece on her screen said. “About why you needed it. About not trusting me. You could’ve stopped it.”
Well, she didn’t trust him, and she had stopped it. And that should’ve made her feel safe in the face of his capacity for anger, in the aftermath of letting him go. But all she felt was numb and a rising sense of dread about having to answer Mia’s questions, having to answer her own.
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