As my mind started to break, Decker appeared before me and started stuffing my various limbs where they needed to go, zipping my suit up to my chin. He was talking to me, but I couldn't hear his words. My mind was too far gone to process them.
“I have to get my dad,” I mumbled, starting to walk away from him.
“No, you're going to stay right here—with me. They know what they're doing, Aesa. Your father is the best skipper in the fleet. He would never jeopardize his life or those of his crew. He'll know when to come up.”
Before I could argue, another punishing wave crashed over us, nearly taking Andy off the stack with it. Decker looked torn momentarily, wanting to help his crewmate.
“Go!” I yelled to him. “They need you!”
His expression was pained, but he knew I was right. I was relatively safe, tucked away from the brunt of the storm. If the boat started sinking, I would be able to get clear of it and into the water, hopefully able to ultimately reach the life raft.
I watched the muscles in his jaw work frantically until he grabbed me by my arms and pulled my face close to his.
“You stay here. Right here,” he yelled. “Right here. I'll be back.”
He grabbed the massive rope they had rigged to the starboard rail and climbed his way up the deck. I watched as he struggled his way over to the stack, all the while clinging to the rail that was nearly parallel to the water below. If he slipped, he would fall to the heaving seas below, hitting all sorts of unforgiving equipment along the way. One mistake and it was certain death.
Huddled against the wall, I watched the men work feverishly to release the load that burdened the boat further, praying that my father and Robbie were making progress with the engines that had failed. I felt helpless, an unwelcome sensation I'd long ago tried to escape. Preparation and knowledge had served to keep me from feeling that way for many years, but in that moment I was little more than an incidental, a possible casualty of a war I was ill-prepared to fight. I felt bile rise at the thought.
A ruckus to my right alerted me to the fact that Robbie was on his way out to the deck, my father not far behind him.
“Christ, Aesa, I told Decker to keep you safe!” Robbie shouted at me as he pulled his survival suit on in a matter of seconds.
“He had to help the others; I told him to go.”
“Aesa,” my father called, pausing to look at me while he pulled his suit up. “We will be okay. Do not be afraid.”
“The Coast Guard is on their way. They were already at sea, looking for any potential survivors from another vessel. It went down not long before our engines failed. We don't know if any survived.” Robbie gave me a nervous wink to comfort me before he continued. “But we will.” He then pulled himself out onto the deck, following the path that Decker had taken only moments earlier.
“Dad,” I started, wanting to say so many things and finding myself completely unable to.
“Aesa,” he said, picking up where I had left off. “You are my princess. You've always been, even if I did not know how to show you. You blame me for your mother's death—I know that. But you could never punish me more than I punish myself for that. My life is not the same without her, and it won't be the same without you. This boat will likely sink tonight, but you, Aesa, will not go down with it. I will not lose my queen and my princess both. The sea will not be that greedy.”
I said nothing, allowing the tears to flow down my face and pool in the mask of my survival suit that he leaned forward to zip over my face, allowing only my eyes to remain exposed.
“I'm going back down to the engine room. You will do as the boys tell you, understood? You will not come looking for me. You will do whatever you need to. There is one more thing I need to try before I give up.” He started to disappear back into the boat, and I felt my heart seize.
“Dad—” I called after him, stopping him just before he was out of sight. “Jeg elsker deg.”
He smiled.
“I love you too, Aesa.”
11
The sound of a distant helicopter snapped me from my growing hysteria. I wanted to go down and tell my father to come back up, that we were about to be saved, but a hand on my arm dragged me out to the deck instead.
“Aesa,” Decker shouted over the massive noise surrounding us. “You need to climb to the rail. They won't be able to get to you from in here. You have to come out. I want you to go first and I'll be right behind you. I won't let you fall.”
I looked deep into his eyes and knew he was right. Though every fiber of my being wanted to stay in the sheltered cove by the door, I couldn't. He was taking a calculated risk with both of our lives, but it needed to be taken. The way the ship was continuing to list, we didn't have long. A few more rogue waves and the Queen would fall from grace with Decker and I in tow. I couldn't let that happen.
Pulling myself together, I did as he said, nodding once in understanding. I eyed the dubious rope, doing my best to get to it gracefully, but inevitably crashing into everything around me as the boat suddenly lurched to the starboard side, a welcome change from our near-capsized status. It was only a few degrees, but it was a step in the right direction. If my father could get the engines going, and the waves continued to work in our favor, we might possibly live to see another day.
I took the rope in my covered hand, but the suit made it beyond difficult to hold onto. Luckily for me, adrenaline was working in my favor. I managed to hoist myself up toward the skyward rail, walking along the deck for added support. I felt the rope tug when Decker grabbed hold of it, trailing behind me as he said he would. I wished he had gone to alert my father, but knowing how stubborn my father could be, he wouldn't have come up until he was certain that no more could be done for the ship. It would have been a waste of Decker’s time.
Time that we didn't have.
The others were precariously entangled in the metal railing before me, doing their best to hold on as waves continued to crash over them. The force of the water nearly washed me off the rope I desperately clung to. Shaking the water out of my eyes, I pressed on, nearing the arms that were reaching out for me. Robbie snagged me by the scruff of my suit, trying to help pull me up onto the railing, but I lost my footing at the last second, barely catching myself on the edge of it. Voices shouted all around me as the crew fought to grab hold of me before another wave beat me from my position.
They didn't make it in time.
The heavy fall of water was more than I could withstand, and I slid down the weathered wooden deck toward the water below with increasing speed, until something halted my descent. I looked up to see Decker with one arm held by the crew and his other extending to me, his right hand all that kept me from the hell that called to me from below.
“Hold on, Aesa!” he screamed, the strain in his eyes visible even through the storm.
I wanted to obey him. I truly did, but I could feel his grip slipping, and I had no grasp on him at all, unable to pull myself up to him or the rope that dangled alongside his body. I watched the terror bleed into his eyes while he frantically searched for a way to keep me from going where I feared most. But there was none, and I knew it.
With the spotlight of the chopper illuminating my path, I felt my covered fingers slip through his just before I slid to the salty sea below, crashing into the sorting table along the way. It knocked me around, causing me to fall face first into the water that greedily awaited me. Barely conscious, I landed in the frozen sea, causing me to gasp in reflexive response. I inhaled the evil liquid, unable to right myself as the waves raged around me. As I lay face down, staring into the abyss below, I wondered if my mother had seen that same view as she drowned her sorrows in the blackened depths. Was she calm? I felt far calmer than I would have imagined. It was as if I was being lulled into a trance by the surging waves that threatened to engulf me. I felt my eyes get heavy, lack of oxygen setting in, and I wondered if she would be waiting for me on the other side or if the darkness was all there was.
> Either way, I knew I would soon find out.
12
Decker
The resignation on her face was impossible to bear. I could see her fear fade into acceptance as my hold on her failed. Fucking survival suits, I thought as my final contact with her fell away. I screamed her name as I watched her crash into the heavy metal sorting table below her and then to the water. The way her head hit, I was almost certain she was dead before she ever made it to the sea. Feeling utterly helpless, I watched as the helicopter circled above, its spotlight highlighting her limp body floating face down in the raging water.
I couldn't take it. Without thinking, I launched myself into the water below, pushing off the deck to get clear of anything that I could get caught on in my fall. The sting of the cold water on my exposed face shot through me when I came up for air. The force of the chopper's blades whipped the water into a frenzy around me, making it nearly impossible to see, but I found her despite it. Flipping her over immediately, I put my ear to her face, trying to hear her breath or feel it on my face. All I felt was cold.
“Aesa!” I screamed while I tried to plug her nose and breathe into her mouth in a weak attempt to inflate her lungs. “AESA! Come back . . . come on, girl. You can fight this. Don't let it take you. It can't have you,” I yelled at her, shaking her while a basket was lowered down to the water beside me. I struggled against the waves, trying to secure her to the wire mesh. The task took every ounce of strength I had left, but I couldn't let her die there. Not like that. Not like she feared she would. As I clicked the final safety strap in place, I tugged the cord and waved above, signaling them to take her away. My stomach clenched as she dangled in the air, blowing wildly in the winds. Had I done all I could to keep her safe? I shouldn't have let her go so far ahead of me, I scolded myself. It's my fault . . .
Before I knew it, the basket lay bobbing in the water, beckoning me to hop into it and fly away to safety. As I climbed in, I looked up to the boat, which I had ignored since Aesa's fall, my sole focus on her. It was steadily righting itself, the ever-changing winds driving it back to its natural position. Just as they pulled me aboard the helicopter, the floodlights on the Norwegian Queen sprang to life. The engines had been restored, or at least one of them. The other crewmen scurried about the deck, trying to secure things and prepare to limp their way to safer grounds and eventually home.
The medics checked me over, but my attention was fully on Aesa. She was breathing, but not fully conscious, and her head was bleeding. They had stripped her of her survival suit and wrapped her in thermal blankets. She was so thin, so frail-looking. Surely she had the start of hypothermia, regardless of her suit. I resented the attention I was receiving. I didn't need it, and I soon found myself face-to-face with one of the Coast Guard officers, his collar fisted in my hand as I screamed at him to help her, not me.
I moved out of the way, allowing them to administer whatever care she needed. It was painful to sit by and watch, every fiber of my being telling me to do something—to help her. But I was out of my element. I was useless. All I could do was sit by and hope that I'd gotten to her in time. What had seemed like minutes, watching her bob up and down at the whim of the sea from the railing high above, had only been seconds in reality. But were they a few seconds too many?
“She's conscious,” I heard one of them call out. Before I knew it, I was at her side, cradling her head in my lap. One of the crewmembers handed me a headset so I could better hear them as they assessed her. It was clear to them that I was unwilling to be left in the dark about her status. “Vitals are getting stronger. BP is stable. Pulse is still racing and shallow, but slowing. Pupils are reactive. She's looking better.”
I let out a sigh of relief.
As I looked down at her, her green eyes wandered my direction, taking me in slowly as if she wasn't quite sure who I was.
“Decker—.” Her word was a whisper, but I could read my name on her lips. Everything about it was beautiful to see.
“Can we get her a headset?” I asked, looking at the officer closest to me. He nodded and reached around behind him, producing what I'd asked for. I placed it gingerly over her head, trying to leave it loose enough so as not to aggravate the brewing headache she was sure to have. She was awake, but she had a concussion for sure. She wasn't fully out of the woods yet. While they cleaned and closed her head wound, she stared at me, the fear returning to her eyes. I preferred it to what I had last seen possess them.
“Decker,” she said weakly into the mic. “My dad?”
“He's okay, Aesa. The boat had nearly righted itself when you were brought aboard. And your father must have fixed one of the engines because the lights were on when I was being brought up.”
“The ship has power,” the officer to my left confirmed. “The boat is headed back to St. Matthews now for repair. The captain assured us that he had both engines going and that the vessel was sound. He was more concerned about getting you back to shore so you could go to the hospital. We won't be able to do that right away. We're low on fuel and need to return to the base first. If you're stable, we'll stay there and wait out the storm. If not, we'll go inland.”
“I'm fine,” she said while straining to sit up. I gently held her down while the others informed her about what had happened. She couldn't seem to remember anything other than falling.
“You need to rest,” I told her, sweeping a stray hair off of her face. “You nearly drowned. I thought you had.”
“Did you fall too?” she asked softly, catching me off guard.
“No . . . ”
“They didn't pull you from the water?” she asked, sounding confused. “I thought I heard someone say there was another . . . ”
“I didn't fall, Aesa. I jumped in after you.” Her eyes narrowed at my words.
“You did what? Why? Why would you do that?”
I squirmed under her scrutiny, not wanting to say what I knew to be true.
“I couldn't leave you like that.”
“You really are a crazy son of a bitch,” she replied, her eyes closing drowsily as her initial anger gave way to exhaustion. “I told you I came with a warning label.”
One of the men nearest me grabbed a penlight and opened her eyes again, calling to her as he did, urging her to wake up.
“Her temperature is still too low,” the one said to the other with a sense of urgency. “We need to warm her.”
“Here,” I barked out, stripping off my damp shirt and grabbing another blanket. “This will help.” I lifted the thermal wrapping she was encased in and slipped under it with her, ignoring the freezing cold of the floor below me. To the touch, her body felt nearly as cold as the floor. I arranged myself and the covers around us and pulled her into me, surrounding her with whatever warmth I had to offer while the others did what they could to revive her. Ignoring them as they fussed with her unconscious body, I whispered in her ear, asking her to come back. It wasn't time for her to go yet—I didn't want her to go. She only flinched in response.
Over the years, I hadn't found cause to pray much, but that night I did. I prayed that she would live at any cost. Whatever price needed to be paid, I would. Gladly.
13
Aesa
I awoke to darkness, but there was no water. I was lying in a bed, shivering, the memories of what had happened that night assaulting me all at once. I screamed my father's name, remembering him disappearing into the galley to try and save his boat—what I had long thought to be his prized possession. But he didn't come.
Decker did.
Barreling into my room, he was at my side in seconds, sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to comfort me.
“He's okay, Aesa. They're all fine. They're headed home. You'll see him soon.” My brain felt sluggish as it tried to process his words. Then a pounding headache took over, forcing me to clasp my skull in protest, willing the throbbing to stop. “They said you'd have one hell of a headache. I was on my way in to check on you when you started yelling
”
“A concussion?” I asked, trying to think of why I had one.
“Yes. You hit your head after you fell. You don't remember?”
I shook my head in negation.
“That's all right. They said that might take a while to come back. Don't worry about it.”
“I am a doctor, Decker,” I said with a weak smile.
“Right . . . ”
“But I'm impressed that you were able to pay attention to what they said. Most people don't have the wherewithal to handle that in a crisis. Instructions and facts go in one ear and out the other.”
It was his turn to force a smile.
“How do you feel? Dizzy? Nauseous?”
“My head is pounding, but beyond that I seem fine. I could use a Tylenol or ten if you have any.”
“I'll go get you some. Lay back. I'll only be a minute.”
He walked toward the door that I could finally see, my eyes having adapted to the darkness around me. I didn't like watching him go. I felt instantly uneasy. With calming breaths, I did as he ordered and rested back against the cot-like bed. I felt my exhaustion start to set in almost immediately, but before I could drift off, Decker reappeared.
“Take these,” he ordered as though he were the physician.
“Thanks,” I replied softly, taking the glass of water and pills he handed me. He looked on as I swallowed them, seeming satisfied once that was done. “So, where are we?”
“We're at the Coast Guard base. There wasn't enough fuel to take you back to the hospital. At first they thought they were going to have to fill up and head out again for Anchorage, but once you warmed up, they upgraded your condition. They decided it was best to monitor you here while the storm passed. It's still raging pretty fiercely. They didn't want to brave it unless absolutely necessary.”
“Decker, why were you coming to check on me? Shouldn't one of the medical officers do that?”
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