by Chase Connor
And that made me even more sad and angry and…everything. Here I was, sitting on my ass on a dirty curb, acting like I was a victim. I had brought all of this on myself. Alex had every right to be pissed at me. Sure, he had reacted instead of thinking, like Mr. Weissman had said, but wouldn’t anybody else have done the same thing? If you read a private letter from someone professing their feelings for your boyfriend, you’re not going to keep a level head about it. Especially if you’re worried that you’re not good enough for your boyfriend to begin with. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and just felt gut-wrenching guilt for what I had done to Alex and Cooper. And Mr. Weissman. He didn’t need our stupid ass drama.
“Are you okay, Logan?” I jumped slightly, yanking my hands away from my face at the sound of the voice.
I turned slightly to see who had spoken to me.
Jay—the guy from the MCFA table was standing a few feet behind me, his face a cloud of concern. I nodded at him and looked away, not wanting him to see my red, puffy eyes, my tear-streaked cheeks. I swallowed hard, praying he would just walk away.
“You don’t seem okay.”
“I’m fine. Thanks.” I croaked.
I sensed him move to my side more than I heard it and then he was sitting on the curb beside me.
“Did you have a bad day?” He asked gently.
“Please don’t be nice to me.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t deserve it.” I had to choke back tears.
“I don’t believe that for a second, man.” He chuckled.
“I’m a horrible person.” I mumbled. “I ruin peoples’ lives.”
Was I being dramatic? Sure. Jay just watched me for a moment as I sat there, feeling sorry for myself and overflowing with guilt.
“Anything you want to talk about?” He shrugged. “I’m a good listener, man.”
My eyes darted to him for a second then I looked back down.
“No.” I said. “It’s…embarrassing.”
“This is a really nice school.” He said, apropos nothing. “I went to a public high school out in Costa Mesa.”
“I’m from San Diego.” I sniffled. “Well, not originally, but that’s where I grew up.”
“No shit?” He smiled. “Well, I guess you do look like a California dude, don’t you?”
I laughed lightly.
“I never could pass.” He shrugged. “I wasn’t a beach-type of guy. Something about the dark hair. Total emo in high school, man. I made some truly horrendous fashion choices and had some truly unique hairstyles for four years.”
“I doubt that.”
“I’ve got pictures if you want proof.” He laughed. “Not on me, but I could provide evidence if this case went to court.”
I chuckled.
“But then I came out here to MCFA—and, well, I fit in a little better, I guess.” He shrugged with a smile. “And here I am, rolling up on the end of my freshmen year, at this beautiful campus trying to get people to drink the MCFA Kool-Aid. Things change. Things get better.”
“Sometimes I can’t even force myself to believe that.”
“You don’t have to believe it.” He leaned into me, bumping shoulders with me. “You just have to decide to have the patience to find out if it’s true or not. What else do you have going on, ya’ know?”
I nodded. Because that actually made sense.
“This school is really cool.” He looked around, then leaned close to whisper conspiratorially. “But I bet it’s hard going here. A lot of rich, white assholes, I’d imagine.”
I couldn’t help but genuinely laugh.
“I guess I’m one of those.” I shrugged.
“I’m putting my chips on you not being one of those.” He nudged me again. “At least, not in spirit.”
“Thank you.”
“Let me see your phone.” He held his hand out. “If you’re really a rich, white asshole, you’ll have one.”
I laughed again and nervously pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. Tentatively, I handed it to him after unlocking it. Jay pulled up the camera and changed it to front facing. He leaned into me, held the phone out and took a picture of us. I looked like a total wreck. He was smiling. He held my phone where I could stare at the screen.
“In a month, look at that picture again.” He said. “And you’ll think ‘How was I ever that miserable?’ You’ll wonder if you can even remember what that felt like because you’ll be happy then. You feel so raw today—but you won’t even remember what that feels like in a month. I promise you.”
“I hope so.” I breathed out shakily.
Jay was tapping away at the screen of my phone and held it out for me to look at again.
“I’m in your phone now.” He smiled. “That obviously means we’re new best friends, man. I’m only a text or phone call away if you need someone to talk to—to remind you that you’re not a bad person.”
I looked at the contact Jackson “Jay” Brown in my phone for a moment, then turned to look at him.
“Why are you being so nice to an asshole stranger?”
“One, you’re not an asshole.” He frowned comically at me. “And two, we’re new best friends, remember? So…you’re not a stranger.”
I smiled nervously.
“Don’t worry.” He laughed. “I’m not a weirdo. Well, not too much anyway.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being a little weird.”
“Ya’ know—you’re right. I am a little weird.” He waggled his eyebrows at me.
“Are you gay?” It was out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
I wanted to look away, shocked at my own brazen question, but I forced myself to keep my eyes on his. Jay just watched me for a second before answering, but I refused to avert my eyes.
“I’m not trying to like take advantage of you because you’re sad.” He replied nervously.
“I’m gay, too.” I said and didn’t even lower my voice.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” I looked away.
We sat in silence for a moment.
“Did you break up with your boyfriend or something?” He asked lowly. “Is that why you’re upset?”
“No.”
“Do you…have a boyfriend?”
“No. Never have. Not really.”
“Okay.” He said. “Did someone say something…mean?”
“Not in the way that you think.” I replied. “I just…I don’t want to talk about it right now if that’s okay, Jay.”
“Of course, it’s okay.” He held my phone out to me.
I took it from him slowly, my eyes darting up to his for another second.
“I like Italian food.” He said apropos nothing again.
“What?” I frowned. “I mean, yeah. Pasta’s good.”
“I wouldn’t mind it if someone wanted to get pasta sometime.” He chuckled nervously. “You know, if they wanted someone to have dinner with.”
My heart skipped in my chest. How had I just had one of the worst moments in my life followed by one of the best?
“So…if someone wanted to use the new contact in his phone and ask a guy out for pasta, that might be cool.”
I looked over at him, a genuine smile finally blooming on my face.
“But, just as new best friends of course.” He held his hands up comically. “He wouldn’t have to feel obligated to act like he was interested in the other guy or anything.”
“I wouldn’t feel obligated.” I looked down, embarrassed in a good way.
“Well…then maybe you should know that I’m free this weekend.” He shrugged. “And I hope that when we inevitably go have trough size portions of pasta, you’ll be smiling a lot more.”
“I will be.” I grinned, then looked at him in disbelief, sizing him up. “I don’t believe for a second that you could eat that much pasta.”
“Well, I guess you won’t know for sure unless you ask me out to dinner, will you?” He winked.
I smiled.
; “Thank you for being so nice to me, Jay.” I nodded. “I feel a bit better now.”
“Then I guess you can pay for dinner.” He grinned widely.
“Deal.”
“Can I have your number, too?” He looked away shyly for the briefest of moments. It was adorable. “I kinda want to lock this down, if that’s okay with you?”
I unlocked my phone and shot him off a quick text.
His phone dinged in his pocket.
“There you go.” I grinned.
He just blushed and smiled. That, too, was adorable. He glanced over his shoulder and frowned.
“Look, my cohort over there is giving me the stink eye.” He rolled his eyes, making me laugh. “So, I need to get back over there and help pack things up. But…I’m putting the ball in your court. I expect a text or phone call before this day is over telling me where you’re taking me for dinner. If not, I will be forced to act desperate and text you instead.”
“You won’t be waiting long.” I smiled widely.
“Good.” He grinned back. “I’m really glad I came to Dextrus today, Logan.”
“I’m glad you did, too.”
We just stared at each other for several moments, smiling like a couple of freaking morons.
“Okay, okay.” Jay stood. “I’m going to go be responsible. I will be anxiously awaiting your text.”
“Okay.” I nodded up at him. “And…really…thank you. Again.”
“I should be thanking you.” He winked.
Then he was strolling across the courtyard, back to the table where he had been handing out information about MCFA. And, while I knew it was kind of arrogant of me to think so…he looked like he was strutting. Even if I was imagining it, it made me feel better. So, I was just going to believe that I had made his day better, just as he had made mine a lot better. I watched him discreetly over my shoulder for a moment before convincing myself to get up and go home. I hopped in my car and left the parking lot, feeling quite a bit better about how the school day had ended.
As I pulled out of the parking lot, I thought of Cooper, and my heart sank again. Talking to a hot guy like Jay, realizing that I was really just wanting some guy to be interested in me in a romantic way, made me realize that I wasn’t really, truly in love with Cooper. He was just my freaking amazing best friend and made me realize how much I was yearning to have someone like that in my life—someone I could be proud to love. And—before I could realize that—I messed everything up. I had fucked up on an epic scale. When I got home, I didn’t stop in the kitchen to talk to my mom or go by Katie’s room to talk to her. I went straight to my room and threw myself on my bed. I wasn’t leaving my room for anything until it was time to face the music and go back to school.
Tuesday morning, I walked into the courtyard at Dextrus, my head held high, doing my best to not be worried about what was to come. Cooper was sitting at one of the lunch tables in the middle of the courtyard, looking tired, but otherwise okay. He was yawning when I first spotted him, but then he looked up and our eyes connected. He smiled widely and waved me over, though he looked a little nervous. I shuffled over to the table and slid into the bench across from him, chewing at my lip.
“Alex is sorry.”
“Why isn’t Alex here saying it himself?” I grumbled.
“Because Alex doesn’t fully believe he is sorry yet.” Cooper replied. “But…he will be saying it himself soon. I promise.”
I nodded.
“Are you in love with me?” Cooper asked lowly, making sure no one was nearby.
“No.” I looked up at him.
“That’s good enough for me, Logan.” He shrugged. “And…even if you were…in love with me…well, I know you’re a good enough guy to not do anything, I don’t know, deceitful. You wrote a letter to get over your feelings. Alex happened to pick up the wrong notebook. Shit happens. I don’t care. You’re my best friend and that’s all that matters.”
“I’m really sorry.” I said. “And I hope Alex will let me apologize to him. Sometime.”
Cooper rolled his eyes and waved me off.
“He’ll realize he was wrong, bromo.” He laughed. “He’s just…hard headed I guess.”
“He loves you so much, Cooper.” I smiled. “He was just worried about losing you—not that he had any reason to worry.”
Cooper chewed at his lip, embarrassed.
“I guess…I guess if I had been him, I would have done the same thing.” I shrugged. “I feel really guilty for causing you guys problems and for upsetting Alex…and, I’m just really sorry. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship.”
“You’re pretty dumb for a smart guy.” Cooper teased. “Our friendship isn’t ruined or any different, man. I mean…I’m a little embarrassed, but must be a Tuesday, right?”
I laughed. “Right.”
“I’m sorry if you felt humiliated.” Cooper looked down.
“Your dad talk to you?” I frowned.
Cooper looked up at me, confused.
“No.” He cocked his head to the side. “Well, I mean, he told me I better get Alex’s head out of his ass so that his foot will fit better, but…I mean, no.”
We both laughed.
“Okay.”
The fact that Mr. Weissman hadn’t told Cooper anything I had said made me realize that he was a man of his word—and as good a person as he was a teacher.
“Is there something I need to know?”
“I just…we talked yesterday after you guys left.” I chewed at my lip. “I had told him I felt so embarrassed and humiliated, so I thought that maybe he told you that.”
Cooper grinned. “Ah. I get it. No, Logan. My dad doesn’t tell me anything about anyone. Especially private things students come to him about. And you shouldn’t be embarrassed and humiliated. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I feel like I did.”
“That’s your fucking problem.” Cooper waggled his head with a smile. “Not mine.”
I laughed.
“But,” Cooper sighed, “I think I’ll be forced to sit somewhere else at lunch for at least a little bit until Alex gets over this. And I doubt he’ll be showing up when we study or want to do movie nights for at least a little bit.”
“I understand.” I nodded, feeling my gut sink. “If this is too hard for you…I mean, he’s your boyfriend…we don’t have to study or hang out and stuff. I’d totally understand.”
“Hey.” Cooper squinted at me. “You’re my best friend. I have to support Alex—but he has to trust me, too. If you say there’s nothing to worry about, and he knows I wouldn’t betray him even if there was, he has to support me, too. That’s how relationships work. But, for God’s sake, let’s not hug in the hallways anymore.”
We both laughed nervously.
“So, I still have my chem study partner?”
“Yes. But more importantly, you still have your best friend in the whole world.” Cooper grinned widely.
“You really are the best, man.” I smiled. “Thank you for…being you. For understanding.”
“Eh.” He shrugged. “I do what I can.”
“I guess I’ll see you in chem, then.” I slid out of the table.
“Obviously.”
“And…I’ll sit somewhere else at lunch, man.” I said firmly. “It’s not right for you and Alex to have to sit somewhere different. Besides, Martin, Caden, and A.J. would be lost with you guys.”
“I was kind of looking forward to not having to deal with those idiots.” Cooper teased.
I laughed. “Well, I guess you’ll have to keep on suffering.”
“Okay.” He stood up. “But, as soon as my jealous, jackwagon boyfriend starts to see the light, you’ll be the second person to know.”
“Wouldn’t I be third after you and him?”
“I’ll know before he will.” Cooper snorted. “And his lightbulb won’t come on until after I’ve texted you about it.”
We both laughed and headed to class. But Cooper’s a
rm didn’t go around my shoulders. And that hurt more than anything else had.
Chapter 5
Friday afternoon, right after political science, I headed to lunch. I was feeling giddy and excited and a little nervous. There were very few hours left before I was going to pick up Jay and go have dinner with him. But I was also feeling a sense of dread and disappointment since I was about to sit alone for my fourth lunch in a row. Cooper and Alex still sat under the old Sugar Maple in the northwest corner of the courtyard during lunch with our friends, and I went to the other side of the courtyard and sat behind the short brick dividing wall. I tried to keep myself out of sight so as to make things easier on Cooper. And to give Alex plenty of room and a clear head to process everything. The less he saw of me, the quicker he could start to get over what had happened. At least, that was my theory.
When I got to the courtyard, I went and got Indian food, knowing that none of the guys ever went there at lunch. I got a couple samosas and some biryani and a chai tea and went directly to my spot behind the wall. I had barely sat down and placed my food on the ground before me before someone jumped over the wall and landed beside me. I startled in shock at the sudden appearance of another student, then rolled my eyes with a grin when I realized that it wasn’t just some other random student.
“What are you doing over here, dick lick?” A.J. was holding a box from the taco cart and a cup of soda.
“Avoiding you, ass face.”
“That’s what I suspected.” He squinted at me. “You haven’t eaten with us for four fucking days.”
I shrugged.
“You back here stroking it or what?”
“You’re disgusting.” I rolled my eyes.
“Are you new here?” He teased, coming to rest in the lotus position in front of me. “Everyone knows that.”
I frowned at him as he placed the box of tacos in his lap and popped the top open, setting his drink in the grass beside him.
“What are you doing?”
“It’s a free country, asshole.” He snorted. “I can eat with you if I want.”
I chewed at my lip.
“You don’t want to eat with the guys?”
