by Tracey Ward
I was going to kill him. I was going to snap his fingers off and cram them down his throat until he choked on them.
“What the fuck?” I growled at him.
He stared back at me with large, panicked eyes.
“What’s happening?” Laney asked, perplexed.
“What’s happening is that this little shit has had his about to be broken fingers all up inside Jenna.”
“Seriously?” Laney smiled at Jenna proudly. “About time.”
“I asked her if it was okay,” Devon tried to explain. “I didn’t do anything she didn’t want me to. I swear.”
“Oh really?” I asked doubtfully. “She wanted you to put your greedy little hand down her pants? That was all her idea?”
“He’s telling the truth, let him go!” Jenna shouted at me, her angry tone surprising me. She took a breath before adding softly, “I liked it. I wanted it.”
I stared at her, dumbfounded. Jenna and I didn’t get mad at each other. We’d never fought, never raised our voices. There was no reason to – we’d never done each other wrong. The heated look she gave me right then evaporated the rage inside of me so quickly that I felt lightheaded. I released Devon’s hand.
He promptly hurried through the door and out into the driveway.
“Jen,” I started, not sure what to say.
Her face crumpled. “I’m sorry,” she whispered shakily.
Then she ran from me. Not from the threat I had thought I was protecting her from, but from me.
“Real nice,” Laney muttered, stomping toward the stairs after Jenna. “You humiliated her.”
A door slammed shut upstairs. The sound jolted through my veins.
“What was I supposed to do? High five him?”
She spun on the bottom step to glare at me. “No! You were supposed to stay out of it.”
“So should you. She won’t want to talk to you. Don’t go up there.”
“Don’t tell me what to do around my own sister!”
My eyes shot to the upstairs landing. I was worried Jenna could hear us arguing about her and it’d only make it worse. I cast Laney a pointed look and headed for the kitchen.
“Why wouldn’t she want to talk to me? I’m the one who’s proud of her,” Laney insisted.
“Yeah, and she’s embarrassed right now. You going on and on about it won’t help her.”
“So you admit you humiliated her!”
I braced my hands against the island, leaning forward and shaking my head decidedly. “I admit I should have handled it better, but he’s preying on a kid. I couldn’t let that slide.”
Laney laughed in my face. “A kid? Are you serious? Jenna is fifteen, Kellen. Almost sixteen. She hasn’t been a kid for a long time.”
“No, she’s still—“
“She’s a woman,” Laney insisted. “She’s the same age I was when we first started dating and do you remember what we were doing back then?”
“That’s different,” I muttered. “Jenna isn’t like you.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“You know what I mean,” I groaned wearily.
“What? That I was a slut and she’s not?”
“Why do you always have to make everything about you?”
“Because you insulted me.”
“No, I didn’t. I was only saying she’s not as casual about this stuff as you and I are.”
“Whatever!” she shrieked. “You literally called me a whore.”
My shoulders slumped. I felt tired. Deflated from everything. I felt myself slipping down and out, into the darkness. “No, if I literally called you a whore, I would have said, ‘Laney, you’re a whore’,” I enunciated carefully. “But right now I just think you’re being a narcissistic bitch.”
She quivered with anger. “Get out.”
I turned to leave. “I’m already going.”
“You are such a coward!”
“How am I a coward?” I asked indignantly.
“Forget it. Just run away!” she shouted, shoving past me and heading down the hall. “People are having feelings! It’s time for you to go!”
She disappeared out into the backyard and I bolted from that house faster than Devon had.
I made it as far as the door. I was on my way out, heading for the sunlight and my motorcycle and the open road, when I felt a tug in my gut that I couldn’t ignore. One I could feel as I detached myself and tried to hide. It pulled me up. Up and out of the dark. Out of myself and onto the stairs. Up to the second floor.
I knocked lightly on her door.
“Go away, Laney,” Jenna shouted. “I don’t want to swap dirty details.”
“It’s not Laney,” I told her gently as I pushed the door open. I closed it quickly behind me before Laney saw me and knew I was still there. “I told her not to come in here.”
“Why are you here?” she asked, sitting up and brushing tears from her cheeks.
That shit hurt. Knowing I’d made her cry was pure pain for me and I felt ashamed in ways I didn’t know possible.
“’Cause I’m an asshole and I need to apologize,” I explained. “I wasn’t going to do it through the door. You deserve better than that.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Yeah, I did. I was way out of line, Jenna. What happened with that guy…” I paused, telling myself to calm down. I wasn’t there to get mad again or preach to her. I had to make it right, not worse. “Whatever went on with him, that’s your business, not mine. I had no right to do what I did. As long as he didn’t hurt you or pressure you in any way, I should have stayed out of it.”
Her eyes filled with tears again as she bit her lip and nodded shakily.
The sight of it cut me wide open.
Things were changing. We were changing and I had been ignoring it. I had been trying to pretend that everything was the same as it always had been, but the honest truth was that Jenna and I weren’t what we used to be. We were still friends, she was still one of the only people on this earth that I loved with everything I had, but we had been drifting apart for the last year. With Laney and I dating, me leaving for college, and her world shifting gears into high school with new faces and new experiences, we couldn’t be as close as we used to be. I hadn’t even known she knew Devon – that’s how out of tune I was with her life. And standing there in her room, I saw what else I’d been missing. What I’d been ignoring.
She was growing up. She was a woman, not a child. Not a thirteen year old kid full of piss and moxy the way I always pictured her. She was taller, her body was fuller, her face was thinner, and there was an incredible grace to the way she moved that hadn’t been there in her awkward early teen years. She was growing into herself, getting comfortable, and today was just another example of that. It was something I had to get used to.
I took a step farther into the room, bracing myself. I wasn’t good at talking about things, definitely not anything that mattered. Usually the sight of a crying girl sent me into my hiding place until things blew over, but I didn’t want to do that with her. I honestly tried the best I could to never run from Jenna. I wanted to be able to give to her what she gave to me – honesty.
Even if it killed me.
“Can I tell you why I did it?” I asked, my voice low.
“Sure.”
“I lost it on him because I keep thinking you’re thirteen. Because I look at you and I see you growing up right in front of me and I know it’s happening, but I keep telling myself you’re a kid.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re so damn beautiful,” I told her frankly. “You’re getting more beautiful by the day and there will be more guys like Devon, lots of them, so I have to get it through my head that that’s okay. That a guy can touch you and I don’t have the right to break his face over it anymore.”
She chuckled, her eyes drying by degrees. “When did you ever have that right?”
I smiled. “I gave it to myself the day I met you. Wh
en I realized you were too much piss for the boys your age.”
“I’m older now.”
“They’re still not ready for you.”
“I think it’s more like they aren’t ready for you.”
“That’s why I’m going to back my nosey ass out of your life and let you be.”
Her eyes went wide with worry. “Don’t you dare,” she commanded me. “Don’t ever do that, Kellen. Promise me.”
“Jenna, I—“
I nearly took a step back when she leapt up and knelt at the edge of her bed. She was so close. Too close. Her body was only an inch or two from mine, her head tilted back, her chest rising and falling heavily with anxious breaths that burst against my skin and sent chills down my spine. I’d seen her at least once a week for the last two years but lately I hadn’t really seen her. Now she was so close, she was all I could see. Her dark, shining hair fell carelessly around her oval face, landing sleek and soft on her shoulders. Over her breasts. It contrasted against her light skin that was perfectly clear. Fresh and free of makeup. No pretense. No pretending. No lies. Just Jenna.
“Please, Kellen,” she begged me softly. “You’re my best friend. You’re almost my only friend. Please promise me.”
I had a semi. A goddam half-hard on from the sight of her. Everything about her hit me like a truck and sent my world reeling, making me sick, dizzy, and nauseous. I knew I’d never be able to look at her the same. She’d changed in an instant when we’d slipped into some alternate universe where she was a woman and I was a man and wanting to touch her skin didn’t make me a pervert. It made sense.
I took two deep breaths. I wanted to go under, to hide, but she held me prisoner with the color of her eyes and the weight of her breath.
“Promise you what?” I whispered jaggedly.
She licked her lips unconsciously. “Promise me you’ll never quit on me.”
I closed my eyes against everything. My body responded to her voice, her words, her face. I ached to touch her but I’d hate myself if I did.
I also couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t say no.
I opened my eyes. I nodded. “I promise.”
Chapter Thirteen
Laney and I broke up again after that day at the house and the mess with Devon and Jenna.
Number eight, and counting.
I focused on school and prepping for finals. I didn’t date anyone. I didn’t even fool around. Thanks to Laney I was too drained to give even the faintest of fucks to any girl. Every time I thought about hooking up with someone, my stomach turned to acid that rose in the back of my throat and burned like fire.
I figured I was better off being alone for a while, because if you can’t stand to be by yourself, you have no business being with anyone else.
Turns out I loved it. I lapped it up like a thirsty dog crossing the desert.
I spent more time at the gym, which felt really good. I hadn’t been going as often as I used to because any time that wasn’t devoted to school was spent driving down to see Laney, talking to her on the phone, or taking her out when she came up to visit me. Free time for me didn’t exist unless we were broken up.
The gym I went to near campus wasn’t exactly like Tim’s. It was brightly lit, the equipment was newer, but the feel was right. It was privately owned and even though I didn’t take on a new coach, I was surrounded by other guys serious about the sport. No one wandering around looking to socialize or impress anybody. Everyone kept their head down and minded their own business. It was my kind of place.
I walked into the building with my phone on my ear and Callum talking it off, wishing I could just hang up and get down to business. Or leave him on the line and put him in my locker to talk to himself.
“You gotta come down, man,” he insisted for the tenth time.
“I can’t. Listen, I’ll tell you the same thing I told Laney; I have to study. It’s important to finishing my core courses early and getting into Law School.”
“Tell me again why you want to be lawyer?” he asked disdainfully.
“Seriously? Because I can help people the way Dan helped me.”
“Yeah, that sounds right. Lawyers are known for being kind people. Spot on. Why else?”
“Because Dan is a lawyer and he loves it. Your dad is a lawyer and he loves it.”
“My dad hates it.”
I stumbled over the rug leading into the locker room. “What? No, he doesn’t.”
“Yes, he does,” Callum answered seriously. “He hates it. He was helping me look through majors so I could decide what I want to do and he lost his shit. Midlife crisis kicked him right in the balls. He decided he doesn’t want to be a lawyer anymore.”
“What is he going to do instead?”
“Raise a heard of My Little Ponies in the backyard? I don’t know. Neither does he. My mom is going crazy. She’s scared he’ll want to be a drummer in a garage band or something else that makes negative money. They might get a divorce.”
“Shit, Cal, I’m sorry. That sucks.”
“Yeah, it’s ugly right now. I need some fun to take my mind off it which is why I need you to go to this party with me.”
“Nice try,” I commended him. “I’ll come down and do just about anything else in the world with you for one night this weekend, but I’m not going to any high school parties. We graduated years ago. It’s sad.”
“It’s not sad, dumbass, it’s brilliant. Think of all the drunk, excited ass to grab.”
“One man’s brilliant is another man’s pathetic.”
“Are you calling me pathetic?”
“Are you going to that party?”
He paused and I worried for one microsecond that I’d hurt his feelings. I didn’t have a lot of friends, I never had, and I should have been more careful with the ones that were still with me. It wasn’t until Laney and I broke up this time around that I realized that all of ‘our’ friends were really ‘her’ friends. I hadn’t bothered making many of my own up here at Cal and with Callum down at USC and Jenna still going to school in Orange County, I was pretty isolated.
“Is this about me being an idiot,” Callum asked seriously, “or about Laney being at the party with some other guy?”
I laughed. “It’s not about Laney, I promise. She can date whoever she wants. We’re on a break.”
“Broken up or on a break?”
“I don’t think I know the difference,” I admitted grudgingly.
“You’ll be back together next month when she turns eighteen.”
“I wouldn’t bet against you.”
“Do you want her back?”
“Not right now.”
“Wow,” he deadpanned. “That’s a touching response. Very moving.”
I laughed, unzipping my bag and smiling down at my gear. “Go talk to Zack Effron if you want emotional. I’m not that guy.”
“No, you’re the guy who dates a girl for years because the sex is good.”
“No. I stick around because the sex is great,” I joked.
Truth was, that wasn’t all that kept me coming back to Laney. The real reason was that she was solid. I knew what I was going to get with her, even if what I got pissed me off most of the time. And, yeah, if I really dug deep – something I rarely ever did – I could admit that part of me tried to make it work because she was Dan’s daughter and I thought I owed it to him to try as hard as I could for her, even if I knew it was useless.
“Are you sure the sex is great?” Callum challenged. “Can you even remember?”
“There are days where I wonder, yeah. It’s been years. I might have glorified it in my mind.”
“I’m gonna be honest, bro, even a glorified version doesn’t seem worth it to me to put up with everything that girl puts you through.”
“She’s not that bad. It’s a lot of drama. Eventually you go numb to it and it’s pretty tolerable.”
“Oh God,” he said, disgusted.
“What?”
“Stay up at Cal.
Don’t come down to hang out. I’d rather listen to my parents scream and yell at each other than hear any more of this.”
“You’re joking.”
“I’m not,” he replied seriously. “You’re bummin’ me out, you damn cyborg.”
“Stop.”
“Find a girl who you actually like!”
“I like Laney,” I said, not even sounding convincing to my own ears.
“No, you don’t. You said you tolerate her. And you tolerate her for sex. What happens when that’s over? You just sit around and stare at each other, basking in the glow of how good looking you both are? That’s depressing as shit! And I’ll tell you what else – she doesn’t like you either. No girl that gives a rat’s ass about you would be sleeping through the senior class whenever she got the chance, then bragging to all the girls that she was dating you again the next week.”
“Where is this coming from?” I demanded. “Since when do you have so many opinions on my love life?”
“Ever since it started bringing me down to talk to you. And it’s not a love life. It’s a damn catastrophe.”
“Ouch.”
“Think about it. All I ever hear from you is that you’re pushing yourself too hard at school, you and Laney are fighting, or you’re at the gym. You ever go see the doctor about the stomach shit you had going on?”
I sighed heavily. “No.”
“It still happening?”
I didn’t answer him, though my stomach twisted and knotted in silent response.
“Yeah. See?” he asked irritably. “I’m worried about you, bro.”
“Yeah,” I answered quietly.
“I don’t know if it’s Laney or school, but whatever it is that’s doing this to you, you need to fix it. I got enough to worry about. Sort it out.”
“Okay,” I agreed seriously. “I will.”
***
One month later, Laney showed up at my apartment. I let her in to talk. She knelt between my legs and gave me head that made my toes go numb.
