by Tracey Ward
"Do you mind if I steal Jenna away for a second?" I interrupted, taking Jenna’s arm at the elbow.
He nodded politely. "Sure, of course. It was good to see you. Jenna, great to meet you."
She smiled at him. "You too."
I pulled her gently to the edge of the room where I’d stood watching her with him like a stalker. I felt like a territorial little dog pulling his toy from the mouth of another animal and bringing it back to his lair to protect it. I was losing it. I was doing everything wrong and I had no idea how to make any of it right. Every time I tried to fix something I only made it worse. I was spiraling, dropping down and spinning out, and the only thing that kept me sane in that moment was the feel of Jenna’s skin under my hand.
"That guy is a douchebag," I muttered as I reluctantly let her go.
She shrugged. "I liked him."
I shook my head, unable to find words that didn’t sound like I was the jealous caveman that I was.
“You’re drunk,” she said suddenly. She eyed the wineglass in my hand, her eyes troubled. “Is that vodka?”
I stared at her in disbelief. “What are you? A witch? How could you know that?”
“Because I know you. Why are you drinking like this tonight? Are you okay?”
“I am what I am and that’s all that I am,” I answered dryly.
She frowned. “What is that?”
“The words of a brilliant man.”
“I am what I am…” she muttered quietly to herself. “I’m Popeye, the Sailor Man?”
“Nailed it.” I leaned in closer to her. Too close. Never close enough. “You know everything."
"That's simply not true."
"I could say anything to you and you’d get it, wouldn’t you?”
She studied my face, her own turning sad. “Not everything, no. Some things you say stump me.”
I straightened up, feeling my head begin to pound. “I don’t understand it any more than you do. I don’t like it any more either.”
“But you are who you are and that’s all that you are,” she sang softly.
“I’m the Tin Man, Dorothy,” I agreed, pounding on my empty chest so she could hear the echo resonate through its hollow chamber. “I’m running on empty.”
“We’re mixing a lot of genres here.”
I nodded in glum agreement, taking a long drink. “Life is messy like that.”
“Can I have some?”
“You’re only seventeen,” I teased, knowing it was bad taste but I did it anyway because I was out of my damn mind.
She ripped the glass from my hand, casting me a hot glare. I preferred it to the sorrow. I’d rather she hated me than felt sad over me. “Too soon to be funny,” she spat before taking a quick sip of my drink. She grimaced slightly as it slid down her throat.
I’d never seen her drink anything before.
“Are you okay?” I asked, taking my glass back.
“I’m great,” she wheezed. “What time is it?”
Too late, I thought morosely.
I needed to stop drinking.
I lifted my arm to look for the time, but I couldn’t get my watch to come out. Jenna grabbed my arm and turned it to face her, her body momentarily stepping into my space and pushing my resolve. I fought the urge to wrap my arms around her, bury my face in her neck, tell her all my sins, and beg her to tell me how to be all the things I wanted to be. How to be the man in the painting with the power and the control and the life and the energy, because lately I felt like the absolute opposite. I was lost. Rudderless. I was wandering the empty sea and the night was pulling away. Dawn was coming and my star was fading, and where the fuck would I end up without her there to guide me home?
I had no idea, but the thought chilled me down into my marrow.
"Pumpkin time," she said victoriously, stepping away and unbuttoning her wrap.
"Are you stripping?" I asked, watching with interest.
She rolled her eyes. "What is it with guys tonight? Porn star? Stripper? I gotta work on my vibe."
"Who called you a porn star?” I asked hotly, my temper flaring. “Douchebag back there?"
She waved me off. "Don't worry about it. I'm off the clock. Mom gave me the okay to leave after eight which means I can get clear of this crowd, ditch the death black clothes and salvage this Saturday night." She refused to meet my eyes and as she went to leave, she gave me a small, sterile salute. "Good luck. Lay off the vodka, you're one drink away from sloppy."
I grabbed her arm. “Wait.”
“What?” she asked, her eyes going tight at the corners.
“There’s something I need to tell you before you go.”
She frowned, put on alert by my grip and tone. “What’s wrong?”
“Kellen!” Laney called. She waved from across the room where she stood next to Dan and Karen.
It was time.
“Shit,” I groaned.
Jenna’s arm went rigid in my hand. “What’s happening?”
“I wanted to tell you before it happened. I wanted to be the one.”
Her eyes went wide as she looked rapidly between my face and her family waiting for me at the head of the room. She was a smart girl. She knew.
“No,” she breathed.
“Jenna.”
“Oh, Kel, no,” she moaned sadly. Her eyes found mine and they were full of pity and confusion.
I took hold of her shoulders, my drink sloshing over the rim and coating her in alcohol. “Wait, just wait,” I pleaded, as though she could somehow make it all stop for me.
“Kellen!” Laney repeated.
“Just wait!” I snapped desperately, my eyes locked on Jenna’s.
She looked around nervously and I knew people were watching. “Kellen, you need to get up there.”
“You need to listen to me first.”
“Then talk fast. People are staring.”
“Fuck people.”
“What do you need to tell me?” she whispered fervently. “That you put a ring on it? I see that.”
“No. I need you to promise me.”
“Promise what?”
“Kellen!”
Dammit! Damn all of this, especially me!
I gripped Jenna’s shoulders harder, holding her in place until she was all I could see. All that mattered. All that would be left when the world was done with me. When they all realized that their golden pauper prince was an idiot asshole and they turned their backs on me. She’d have more reason than any of them, but still I pleaded with her because if there was anything redeemable left inside me someday, she would find it, so I begged her the way she had once begged me. I asked her to never walk away. I needed her to promise—
“That you’ll never quit on me.”
Tears filled her eyes, but she didn’t look away. “Kel,” she whispered unhappily.
“Other people already have,” I whispered hurriedly. “More will. But not you. Never you. Promise me.”
She searched my eyes, took a sharp shuddering breath, and nodded her head. “I promise you.”
I pulled her toward me and kissed her forehead. I wanted to do more but I’d already burned that bridge. So instead of taking her down with me, I owned my mistakes, accepted my fate, and I kissed her softly goodbye. I exhaled shakily against her skin; my last breath, and with it I left everything behind with her. Every last piece of myself that had ever been worth anything to anyone, the part of me that loved her beyond reason and restraint, because I couldn’t take it with me where I was going. If I left it with her – if it stayed in her skin, in her eyes, in her mind – maybe I wouldn’t disappear entirely.
Maybe someday she’d remember me, recall me to life, and pull me from under the weight of the darkness.
As I walked away from her, eyes all around the room drilling into me until I was cut down to nearly nothing, I slipped down inside myself. I went numb as I stood beside Laney and held up my glass. As her mom made the announcement. As Laney held up her hand to show off the ring
I’d given her – the one she’d chosen for me to give her – and the room erupted in cheers and calls of congratulations. I scanned the room but I didn’t see anything. Even when I knew I was looking at Jenna, I didn’t see her. I couldn’t. I’d fallen too far inside.
So far I didn’t know if I could find my way out again.
Chapter Twenty
Eight Months Later
“Congratulations,” I told her, handing her a slim, black jewelry box.
She took it from me hesitantly, the wind whipping her graduation gown and long hair behind her. “Thank you.”
“It’s your birthday present too. I’m sorry we missed it.”
She opened the box, a strained smile on her lips. “It’s shiny.”
“Laney picked it out.”
“I can tell.”
“I wanted to get you a handgun.”
She laughed, surprising both of us. “It’s on my supply list.”
“That’s what your mom told me. Right before the crack pipe.”
“But under the meth addiction.”
“Has your mom ever even been to L.A.?”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure she has, but she’d never admit it. At least I don’t have to worry about her popping in at my apartment randomly.”
“You’ll send me pictures of projects you’re working on, right?”
Her smile faltered. “Yeah. Of course.”
A strand of hair was pinned across her neck by the wind. My hand itched to pull it away. To set it free.
I chuckled weakly. “You know, you’re moving closer but for some reason it feels like you’ll be farther aw—“
“Jenna,” Karen called from across the lawn. “Alexander is here!”
“Coming!” she called back. She turned her eyes to mine for the first time that day. “What were you going to say?”
“Nothing.” I took a step back. “Congratulations, Jenna. I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Ten Months Later
“We have to set a date, Kellen,” Laney told me impatiently, slapping a bridal magazine down on my desk. “I can’t pick a venue or plan for any of this until we have a date.”
I pushed the magazine aside until it balanced precariously over the edge. “I told you. I don’t want to do it until I’m graduated from law school. I need to focus on this, not a wedding.”
“I’ll take care of everything! You won’t be bothered with any of it.”
“You mean the way I’m not bothered by it right now while I’m trying to study?”
“Oh my God,” she groaned, letting her head fall back. “You’re always studying.”
“You get three guesses as to why.”
“To annoy me.”
“No.”
“To avoid me.”
Sometimes.
“No,” I lied.
“To get a good job, make lots of money, and buy me pretty things?”
“Sure,” I said, surreptitiously rubbing my throbbing temple. “Yes.”
“Do you know what Jenna is doing right now?”
“No.”
Because we barely speak anymore.
“She’s out with Alexander at some art installation downtown, probably having the time of her life, and do you know why?”
“Because she loves art?”
“Because that’s what couples do! They go out and have fun together.”
“Not if they want to graduate early, they don’t.”
“Fine. Study then.” She grabbed her coat off the back of the door, needlessly adjusting her hair in the mirror. “I’m going out to have fun. Alone.”
I didn’t turn to watch her leave. I lifted my hand and waved goodbye silently.
She slammed the door behind her.
I turned off my phone, then slid it to the end of the desk, slowly pushing the bridal magazine aside until it flopped to the floor. It landed just shy of the waste basket.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Thirteen Months Later
“Happy Easter!” Karen cried, hugging both Laney and I together in one swift, firm motion. She released us to step back and beam. “She brought him.”
“She brought Alexander to a family function? Seriously?” Laney asked incredulously.
“Finally! It’s getting serious, Lane, I can feel it. And they look so adorable together,” Karen gushed. “He has a bow tie on! It’s precious. I already took a picture, but I wish I could have gotten Jenna to throw on a sweater. Those tattoos get bigger every time I see them, I swear.”
“She has new ones?” I asked, feeling uneasy that I hadn’t heard.
I took Laney’s coat to hang up with my own and pulled a roll of antacids out of the pocket, slipping it into the pocket of my slacks.
“Oh, no, but the old ones are plenty. I just want to cover them up. Her skin was so beautiful.”
“They’re permanent, mom. You have to get used to them,” Laney told her.
“But they’re—“
“Something she likes. Let it go. It’s not a big deal.”
“You don’t have any, do you?”
“No.”
Karen threaded her arm through Laney’s, pulling her in tightly to her side. “Good girl. Have you two found Kellen a new apartment yet?”
Laney snorted. “He’s not even looking.”
“You’re still planning to move back down here when you graduate, aren’t you?” Karen asked me, her face etched in concern.
“Yes,” I assured her. “I’ll have it taken care of.”
Her face cleared. “Good. Alright, you two. Let’s eat. Oh, but first I want a family photo!”
I followed them into the hallway, watching as they receded from me – identical in height, hair, and dress, like the twins from the Shining.
My throat constricted, hot and acidic.
I reached my hand into my pocket, searching.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Three Months Later
“What do you say, son?” Dan asked, grinning like an excited kid.
Like he already knew what my answer would be.
No, I thought, the word resonating through my head, bouncing off the walls, clattering to the bare floor with a deafening discord.
“Yes,” I croaked. I coughed once, hard. “I say yes.”
Dan offered me his hand, then pulled me into a firm hug. “I thought you might say that.” He released me before stepping to the door and opening it wide. “Marylyn, the cart, please. Thank you.”
I stood motionless in the center of the room. My feet were cemented to the floor.
“Gentleman, ladies, come on in!”
I heard wheels on the rug. Feet shuffling, bodies moving. The room began to spin.
“Press in, everyone. Make room.”
The space began to fill with faces, all of them watching me. Sweat trickled down the back of my neck.
Dan took two champagne glasses off a golden cart Marylyn had brought in. Everyone in the room had taken one as they entered. It occurred to me how often I’d seen the stuff lately. How often they celebrated. Reconciliations, engagements, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Wednesdays. Everything fueled from one bubbling golden moment to the anticipation of the next. Always rolling forward. Pressing on. Relentless.
My stomach rolled violently.
“Today, we welcome a new member to the Monroe, Falcon, Bryson, and Associates family. A bright young man who I am going to be lucky enough to welcome into my personal family very soon as well. Please raise your glass.” Dan handed me a cold, shimmering flute as arms audibly raised in a wave around me. Surrounding me. “To Kellen Coulter. Welcome!”
“Welcome!” the crowd called as one.
My mouth watered. My vision blurred.
“Kellen,” Dan said, his voice distorted. “Are you alright? You look pale.”
I shook my head, forcing a smile, slipping deeper into the dark. “I’m fine. Overwhelmed. Thank you. Thank you, eve
ryone!” I raised my glass to salute them all, then took a quick sip.
I almost spat it back out.
The room began to mingle. People swarmed around me, congratulating me.
I excused myself to use the restroom.
I closed the door silently behind me, throwing the latch.
Taking three deep breaths, I knelt down and vomited into the toilet.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Fourteen Months Later
“Ugh,” Laney groaned, sitting on the edge of the hotel bed and scrolling through her phone. “Mom is sending me more links to dresses she wants me to try on. I don’t have time for all of these.”
“Then only try on the ones you want to.”
“She’ll be annoyed if I don’t try on at least some of her suggestions,” Laney muttered irritably. “This whole trip to New York was her idea and now I’m stuck wedding dress shopping with you and Jenna, the people who care the least about it in the world.”
“That’s not true,” I told her, staring at the muted TV. “Your dad cares a lot less than any of us.”
She rolled her eyes. “He told me to go to JC Penny. Can you believe that?”
“He was joking.”
“See, I don’t think he was.”
“He was. He just doesn’t want you going overboard and you and your mom love to go overboard.”
“We do not!” she cried indignantly.
I raised a skeptical eyebrow her way. “You’re really going to sit there and say that to me? After what happened last weekend?”
“This again? It’s a wedding cake, Kellen. It should be beautiful.”
“It’s going to be four feet tall with a waterfall down one side.”
“And it’ll be gorgeous!”
“And it’s why I’m here,” I told her, turning back to the TV. “To protect your dad’s bank account.”
“You guys are overreacting. He can afford a nice dress.”
“A dress you’re going to wear for one day shouldn’t cost a man a small fortune.”
