“You said last night that by the time I came back, you’d already found out what kind of man Anthony was. Why didn’t you tell me then?”
“Because by then Anthony had made me strike a bargain with him. He made me promise I would never tell anyone the baby wasn’t his. He said medical tests could be faked and doctors could be paid to say anything that he wanted them to say. He said if I made trouble for him, he would prove in court that the baby was his, and that I was an unfit mother. He would take Kyle away from me, and I would never see him again. And I believed him,” she said, wiping her moist cheek with the back of her hand. “I knew what he was capable of.”
“So you said nothing,” Spence said, unmoved by her tears. “And all these years, I’ve lived without my son.”
“I’m sorry,” Natalie whispered. “But back then, I’d gotten myself into such a mess with Anthony, I didn’t see any other way out. All I could think about was protecting Kyle.”
“What about after Anthony was dead?” Spence demanded. “What about last night, before we made love? Didn’t you think I had a right to know then?”
“Yes. I wanted to tell you. I tried to tell you, but…so much has happened lately, to both of us. Anthony’s murder, my arrest. And then your mother, threatening to take Kyle away from me. I…just didn’t think the time was right.”
“Would the time ever have been right?”
She turned away from his accusing eyes. “I…don’t know.”
“You didn’t trust me, did you?”
“We didn’t trust each other, and just like you once told me, I had to consider every possibility.” Natalie wasn’t looking at him, but she could feel his eyes on her, boring into her, drilling her with accusation. She turned to him, her gaze pleading for understanding. “Don’t you see? Kyle means everything to me. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing him. Without him—”
“Don’t,” Spence interrupted harshly. “Don’t tell me how empty your life would be without him. Because I already know, Natalie. I already know how empty a life can be.”
She had never seen eyes more bleak than Spence’s at that moment. She had hurt him, more deeply than she had ever dreamed possible, and Natalie was very much afraid he would never be able to forgive her.
“Please try to see it from my point of view,” she begged.
He shook his head. “I’m trying to, but all I seem to be able to think about is the last six years I’ve spent alone. It didn’t have to be that way.”
His features looked ravaged in the pale light of dawn, and Natalie could only imagine what this night had done to him.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered again. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too,” he said, his eyes as hard as steel. “I’m sorry it ever had to come to this.”
* * *
TWO DAYS LATER, on Christmas Eve, a cold front moved into the area, and the temperature dropped fifty degrees overnight. Suddenly the riverside tables along the Riverwalk were deserted, save for the blackbirds and pigeons who braved the cold weather to peck at a few stray bread crumbs.
Natalie stood at the front window of her shop, enjoying a lull in what had been an impossibly busy morning—thank goodness—as she stared down at the wind-tossed tree limbs overhanging the river. The last two days had been a whirlwind of activity. The charges against her had been dropped, and every newspaper and news station in the state seemed to be clamoring for a statement or an interview with her.
A picture of her and Kyle, beaming at each other, had made the front page yesterday. Right next to it, a photograph of a somber Spence leaving the courthouse after Anthea’s arraignment had brought home to Natalie, once again, the differences in their circumstances. Her life was on the fast track back to normal, but Spence’s life would never be the same. His brother had been killed and his sister was the murderer. How did one get over something like that? Natalie wondered, staring at the river. She had everything to be thankful for, and Spence…
Spence had nothing.
He has a son, she reminded herself. He has me.
But he doesn’t want you.
And who could blame him? Spence’s wounded voice echoed in Natalie’s mind. “What about last night, before we made love? Didn’t you think I had a right to know then?”
She closed her eyes. Yes, he’d had a right to know. She should have told him—almost had told him—but it wasn’t something you could just blurt out. The time had to be right. Feelings had to be considered. Consequences had to be weighed.
At least, that was what she’d told herself.
“You didn’t trust me, did you?”
She hadn’t trusted him, Natalie realized. Not seven years ago, and not now. What did that say about her? she wondered. Why did she always allow herself to believe the very worst about Spence? About the man she loved?
Her heart thumped against her chest as the revelation hit her.
The man she loved.
She was in love with Spencer Bishop. Again. Still. She’d never stopped loving him. So why hadn’t she told him? Why hadn’t she told him everything when they were being so open with each other the night they’d made love?
Because she hadn’t wanted to get hurt again, Natalie realized. Trusting someone completely was too risky. It meant putting yourself out there, giving as good as you got, and she’d never been quite willing to do that.
For the most part, Natalie had lived a charmed life. Her parents had loved her and protected her, but when things had gone wrong, she’d given up on Spence without so much as a question. She’d found it easier to believe Anthony’s lies than to fight for the man she loved—because if she’d fought for him and lost, there would have been nothing left for her.
And what did she have now? Natalie asked herself with brutal honesty. She had Kyle and she had her parents, but she didn’t have Spence; and for the first time in seven years, she let herself feel the devastation of that loss.
It was Christmas Eve and she was a free woman, but Natalie had never felt more miserable. Or more lonely.
* * *
SPENCE STOOD AT THE WALL of windows in the airport and watched the 747 ascend into the clouds. Irene was on her way to London for an extended visit with friends. She’d escaped from San Antonio and the flurry of publicity Anthea’s and Melinda’s arrests had stirred, leaving Spence behind to clean up the mess.
As far as he knew, Irene had not spoken to Natalie to apologize for her unjust accusations, nor had she alleviated Natalie’s fears regarding her threat to take Kyle away. But Spence knew that was over. Once Irene had learned the truth about Kyle—that he was not Anthony’s son, but Spence’s—her interest in the boy had vanished, along with any pretense of concern for his welfare.
She was gone, possibly for good, and Spence wished he could find it in himself to care. But Irene had never been a mother to him, and it was too late to pretend they were anything more than strangers to each other.
He couldn’t help comparing her to Natalie. Natalie adored Kyle, and she showed him in a thousand ways every single day just how much she loved him. Kyle would grow up secure in that love. He wouldn’t have to look back on his childhood with the same bitter emptiness that Spence had always felt about his.
Whatever Natalie had done, whatever secrets she had kept, Spence knew, deep in his heart, that she had done so to protect their son. Everything had been for Kyle. If the situation had been reversed, Spence couldn’t say for sure he wouldn’t have done the same thing.
The question now was, where did that leave them? With all the lies and the secrets and the years that had gone by, was there anything left for them?
To be honest, Spence didn’t know. But what he did know was that the thought of returning to Washington—to that bleak, empty apartment, to that cold, meaningless life—brought a stab of pain to his heart. He already felt lonesome for Natalie and Kyle and for what they might have built together.
But it was better for a man like him not to have ties, he reminded himself
grimly. A family made you care too much, made you lose your edge. And that was a dangerous thing.
Better that he should go back to Washington and let Kyle and Natalie get on with their lives without him.
Better that he should go back to his own life and forget about what might have been.
* * *
“WHEN’S SANTA COMING?” Kyle asked, as he and Natalie finished wrapping the last of the presents. Natalie had closed the shop early that evening, and she and Kyle had been busy ever since they’d gotten home, trying to get everything ready for the next day.
The house had been cleaned up, the broken glass swept away, books returned to shelves, and new slipcovers were in place to hide the slashed cushions on the sofa and chairs. New furniture would have to wait until the legal bills were all paid and Silver Bells had bounced back. This season had been costly in more ways than one, and Natalie knew that it would probably take years to recoup her losses.
But tonight was not the time to dwell on all that. She reached over and ruffled Kyle’s hair. “The sooner you get into bed and go to sleep, the sooner he’ll come.”
“But I wanna see him!”
Natalie shook her head. “It doesn’t work that way. Now scoot on off to bed. I’ll be there in a minute to tuck you in.”
He gave her a quick hug, then tore off toward his bedroom, his excitement an almost-tangible thing. Natalie wanted to savor this moment. Kyle was six years old. By next year, he might not even believe in Santa anymore, and once that happened, once the magic was gone, Christmas would never be the same.
She sighed, thinking about Spence. Where was he tonight? How was he spending Christmas Eve? Alone in the Bishop mansion? Alone in some hotel room?
Or had he already gone back to Washington? Had he already put Natalie out of his mind?
And Kyle? Would Spence forget him, too? Pretend that he had never learned the truth?
Or would he want to be a part of Kyle’s life? Would he want to claim his son? Would he want to take Kyle away from her?
Natalie didn’t think he would. He wasn’t that kind of man. But the fact remained that she had had Kyle for six years and Spence hadn’t. If she were in his place, what would she do?
It wasn’t an easy question to answer, and when the doorbell rang, Natalie was glad for the interruption. Thinking it must be her parents, she swung the door wide, then froze.
Spence stood on her porch, one hand propped against the door frame. The black leather jacket, the dark hair, the shadow of a beard all combined to make him look a bit on the sinister side.
Natalie’s heart thudded as they stood staring at each other for a moment. Then, without a word, she stepped back for him to enter. He brushed past her, bringing a cold draft into the room. Natalie shivered as she closed the door and turned to face him.
“I suppose you’re wondering what I’m doing here,” he said, looking grim.
“I…thought you probably came to see Kyle.”
“I would like to see him.”
“He’s already in bed,” she said, wondering if that was the real reason he’d come. The only reason.
As if reading her mind, Spence said, “I’ve made some decisions, and I thought you should hear them.”
He looked so determined. So resolute. Natalie’s heart dropped.
Before either of them could say another word, Kyle appeared in the doorway. “Mom! I thought you were going to tuck me in—” Then he saw Spence, and his eyes lit. He dashed across the room and launched himself at Spence, catching both Natalie and Spence by surprise.
For a moment, Spence seemed at a loss, then he caught Kyle in his arms and hugged him tightly. His eyes met Natalie’s, and try as she might, she couldn’t tear her gaze away. The sight of father and son embracing in front of the Christmas tree, just the way she had pictured it so many times, brought hot tears to her eyes.
Spence’s eyes looked suspiciously bright, too. He buried his face in Kyle’s hair, as if drinking in the very essence of his son. Then Kyle wiggled out of his arms and got down on all fours, gazing intently under the tree.
Natalie cleared her throat. “What are you looking for, sweetie?”
“I thought maybe Santa might have come while I wasn’t looking,” Kyle said.
“I told you he won’t come until you fall asleep.” Natalie tried to sound strict, but couldn’t quite manage the stern expression to go with it. “Back to bed, young man.”
“Can Uncle Spence tuck me in?”
Spence’s gaze met hers again. Hurt flashed in his eyes, and Natalie felt his pain all the way to her soul.
“Can he?” Kyle demanded.
“If he wants to,” Natalie said softly.
“I’d be honored,” Spence said. The two of them disappeared down the hallway, and it was a long time before Spence returned alone.
Natalie had brought in a bottle of wine and two glasses and placed them on the coffee table. She motioned now for him to sit beside her on the sofa. “Would you like a drink?”
One dark eyebrow rose. “Are you trying to mellow me?”
Natalie’s fingers shook slightly as she poured the wine. “Do I need to?”
“I guess that depends on how you feel about what I have to say.” He took the wine from her, but set his glass aside without drinking.
Natalie left her own glass untouched as she turned to face him, her heart hammering in her throat. “You want to tell Kyle the truth,” she said.
“He has a right to know.”
She nodded, knowing what the truth might do to her son. To the way he felt about her. “When?”
“When the time is right,” Spence said, using her own words. “I’d like to spend some time with him, get to know him better and let him get to know me. I don’t want to hurt him, Natalie. That’s the last thing I want. But you and I know better than anyone how badly lies can hurt. And in the end, the truth always comes out.”
“So what are you suggesting?” she asked carefully. “That I allow him to visit you in Washington?” He shook his head and Natalie’s heart sank. “You wouldn’t—”
“Fight you for custody?” he asked.
“Please don’t—”
“I wouldn’t do that. I would never do anything to hurt Kyle. You’re his mother, and he loves you. I can see that. You two have a very special relationship. I don’t want to take that away from you, Natalie. Not for his sake and not for yours.”
“Then what do you want?” Natalie asked, afraid to know and afraid not to.
Spence shrugged. “To be a part of that relationship. Maybe in a small way at first, but later, when Kyle gets to know me and you come to trust me, maybe then…” His words trailed away as Natalie gave a little gasp of surprise.
She put her fingertips to her lips. “Are you saying that…you want to be a part of my life, too?”
“I’ve never stopped loving you,” he said with devastating simplicity.
Natalie closed her eyes as a wave of emotion swept over her. He loved her! After all the lies and secrets and heartache, he still loved her. It was a miracle, too much to hope for….
She felt his touch against her hair and opened her eyes to find herself gazing deeply into his.
“I’ve put in for a transfer to San Antonio,” he said. “I don’t want to rush you, Natalie. I want us both to have plenty of time.” He smiled—a bittersweet, poignant smile. “After all, when you think about it, we hardly even know each other. You may not even like me.”
“But I’ll always love you,” she said.
Something changed in his expression—a softening that took her breath away. “Well, that’s something, isn’t it? After all we’ve been through.”
“It’s everything,” Natalie said softly.
He picked up the wineglasses and handed one to her.
“Merry Christmas,” Natalie whispered.
“Happy Birthday,” he said.
The crystal chimed gently as they touched glasses. Their lips met, but only briefly, as if the
y both were afraid the wonderful spell that had been cast upon them could be too easily broken.
“There’s something I’ve been wondering about,” Natalie said hesitantly. “But I don’t know if this is the right time to ask you.”
“What is it?”
“The night my house was ransacked…you told me your father had cut you out of his will.”
A cloud passed over Spence’s features, and Natalie reached out to take his hand, to offer him the love and support she’d had to keep hidden for so long.
“What I’ve been wondering,” she continued softly, “is how you managed to post my bail. A quarter of a million dollars is a lot of money.”
“Especially for a lowly FBI agent,” he said wryly, but his eyes glinted with amusement. “Years ago I bought some land on the outskirts of San Antonio with the last of the money my grandparents left me. The property wasn’t worth much then, and Anthony laughed at my investment. I guess he didn’t figure on the city spreading so fast. Or that I might have a little more sense than he gave me credit for. Anyway, that same property is now a pretty valuable piece of real estate. I used it as collateral to secure a bank loan.”
Natalie gazed at him in wonder. “You did that for me? What if I’d skipped town? You would have lost everything.”
He looked back at her, his gaze deep and intense. “If you’d left town, the money would have been the least of my losses.”
“Oh, Spence.” She squeezed his hand, her eyes brimming with tears.
“Look,” he said and pointed to the window behind her. Outside, in the glow of the porch light, something white drifted downward.
They both got up and went to the window. Snowflakes danced in the moonlight, twirling toward the still-warm ground, where they melted almost instantly.
Two days ago, it had been eighty degrees. And now it was snowing!
“I can’t believe it,” Natalie said, laughing with delight. “When do you suppose was the last time it snowed on Christmas Eve in San Antonio?”
“I don’t know,” Spence replied. “Maybe never. But it’s only a few flurries. It’ll never stick.”
“I don’t care,” Natalie said softly. “I still think it’s a miracle.”
A Man of Secrets Page 20
