by Kaira Rouda
I COULDN’T GET A MOMENT OF PEACE AT MY OWN HOUSE. Oh, well.
“Kelly, is that you?” she asked. Her cheerleader’s energy wasn’t back, but she seemed much better than she was last night. “I don’t have my distance glasses on.”
“Hey, it’s me, come on over,” I said, waving her up to the porch.
“I was just checking to make sure you didn’t give me all your hydrangeas,” she said, drifting my way in a gauzy white dress. She looked like a dream feels when you first wake up: cloudy but real.
I met her halfway, on the lawn, and while I was certain Kathryn could see us if she looked out the kitchen window, I hoped Bob was keeping her distracted. “No worries. I got the flowers at the florist store, to remind you that I’m right here,” I said. “Are you doing okay?”
“They made me take something yesterday, a white pill, that sort of makes you feel ethereal. That’s the right word, isn’t it? I hated it.”
“I’d say it’s the perfect word. Stop taking them. And who is they?”
“Bruce, and I guess Beth agrees. They wanted to keep me calm, to get through the funeral service because Jim’s family is being so mean.”
“Well, I trust Beth, and I guess you were rather inconsolable yesterday. Come sit down on the porch. I’ll get you some water.”
“Problem is, I think it’s better to just feel the pain. So I didn’t take the pills they gave me today. I flushed them. I kept wondering, where does the pain go if you don’t feel it? Does it slip away or hang around you, waiting for an opening? Without those pills, I could feel it, remember Jim and the good times we had together. And remember his funeral. So I’m just acting calm to throw them off.
“Guess what I found out?” Charlotte continued. “Jim had just left his girlfriend’s house when he crashed his motorcycle, and he wasn’t wearing a helmet. She’d just broken up with him, and she said he was going to kill himself on that thing. He proved her right.”
“Oh, Charlotte! How do you know all of this?”
“She called me. The woman. She believes it’s her fault that Jim died. And here I was, thinking it was all my fault. Maybe it was all his fault, you know? Or maybe, subconsciously, Jim just wanted to die. After she and I talked, I felt so much better. I think it helped her, too. She’s coming to the funeral, and Jim’s parents don’t even know about her. It’s better that way, I guess. They can go on blaming me, but I’ll know the truth.”
“Wow, Charlotte. I guess it is better for you to have heard the rest of the story. I know it makes you feel better, to have connected with her. In a weird way, I hope you and Kathryn can come together somehow.”
“If she thinks I am the reason their marriage broke up, I can understand her not wanting to be friends, ever,” Charlotte said in her dreamy, ethereal voice. “If she realizes their relationship was gone long ago, like with Jim and me, though, then maybe Kathryn and I have a chance.”
She was right. “Let me go grab some water. I’ll be right back!” I said perkily and headed inside. I grabbed two bottles out of the fridge and was headed back out to the porch when Kathryn stopped me.
“Why is she here?” she asked.
“Who? Well, I . . . Charlotte is just visiting. I’ll take her home soon. They’re burying her husband tonight,” I stuttered, suddenly feeling guilty.
“I know. It’s just that I saw her, outside the window, and I got so jealous and hurt,” Kathryn said, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m trying to let it go. I know it’s not her fault our marriage broke apart. But I just wished she had, they had, the decency to wait until we were divorced before moving in together. But at the ranch, they taught me I have to let it go. If I don’t, the pain and hurt consumes me. And it will. I can feel that negativity when it starts to come out.”
“You’re human, Kathryn. What you’re feeling is natural. But you’re light years ahead of most people because of Montana,” I said. “You seem so confident and calm. I’m sort of stuck in the middle here. I just was taking her some water.”
“I know. And I’m trying to be calm. I just got thrown off. Seeing Charlotte walking across the grass—that jettisoned me into the past. I’ve really been working on this, Kelly, before and during my stay at the ranch: staying in the present, focusing on the future.”
“That seems so brave,” I said. We’d ended up in the living room. I was going to have to redo the whole space soon if people kept using it as a confessional. Perhaps a pew instead of a couch? I wondered what my online Feng Shui tutorial would say about it.
“Well, here’s the thing: Holding onto the past only hurts you. I mean, Bruce has moved on, and I need to. I need to realize that this is my life now. I can’t change the past, but I can change the moment now. And the future for Mel and me,” Kathryn said. “I’m ready.”
“Ready for what?” She sounded like she had just come to a decision.
“To talk with Charlotte. To forgive her. To move on.”
“Ah, I’m not sure this is a good time for that, Kathryn. I mean, her former husband just died … ” and then I realized I’d left Charlotte out on the porch for quite awhile. “Oh what the heck, come on out.”
Charlotte was curled up on the couch. She looked so small. The sun shimmered through the leaves of the trees as it made its way to night.
“She seems peaceful,” Kathryn said. “It would be hard to stay mad at that.”
“Yes, it would,” I agreed, and then Kathryn and I hugged as she sobbed in my arms.
“It really will be okay, right?” she asked.
“Absolutely. It’s always the worst right before it gets to be the best,” I said. “I really believe that.”
“Me too,” Charlotte said. She was still curled up on the couch, eyes closed. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Kathryn. I was selfish and needy. I hope, sometime, we can be friends again.”
“Thank you. Someday we’ll talk, I’m sure,” Kathryn said, and then she turned and walked back inside.
Charlotte and I sat in silence for a few minutes, but then I reminded her she had to go home.
“Thank you for a moment of peace,” Charlotte said. “I love this porch. It’s like an oasis in the midst of suburbia. I hope to create spaces like this in our new home.”
“You will,” I said, standing. I’d decided to walk her back. “You know, there’s a perfect spot, just off the dining room, where you could add French doors and a little garden.” I’d been imagining it during the home staging. It would be, well, exquisite.
“So, tonight at the funeral, you are going to stay strong, right?” I said.
“Right.”
“You are going to hold your head high, right?”
“Right. Even though Jim’s folks think I’m a slut!”
“You’re not, though, Charlotte.”
“Are you sure? I slept with Kathryn’s husband, I broke Jim’s heart.” She stopped and looked at me.
“You were looking out for yourself and your girls. Your heart was in the right place, and so yes, I’m sure, I’m sure,” I said as we crossed the street and walked up to her house. I didn’t leave until I had handed Charlotte over to Bruce, who greeted us at the front door. I was glad he’d noticed she was missing. Probably the twins were looking for her, I thought.
“I’ll take care of her,” he said. “I promise you.”
“You said that before, with Melanie, and then you went out of town,” I said, unable to hide my disappointment.
“I know, I know, Kelly. I don’t know how to convince you of this, but everything has changed for me. My priorities are with Charlotte and Mel and Charlotte’s girls. I’m going to do this right this time. I just named my right-hand man president of the company. He’s taking over day-to-day responsibilities. It took all of this to make me see that I was a selfish bastard,” he shook his head, looking at me intently while still holding Charlotte in his arms. She looked up at him adoringly.
Meanwhile, I was looking at him suspiciously.
“You have been right
about me,” he said. “About not trusting me. But from now on, I’m going to prove you wrong. I am.”
“I hope so,” I said, and waving my arm in the general direction of my house added, “There’s a lot of healing that needs to take place around here.”
“I know. And I can do my part. Beth and I will have some sessions, and she’s going to help Mel and me. All I can do is be here for Charlotte. And I will be.” And with that, the new Bruce Majors nodded his head at me, and he and Charlotte walked back into their new house.
“You’d better,” I said to myself as I walked slowly back home. Remembering T2C #18—don’t be gullible—and immediately adding T2C #22—trust your instincts—I thought, for once, I believed in him.
GAVIN PULLED INTO THE DRIVEWAY AS I WAS WALKING AROUND the house to go in the back door.
“Hey Kelly,” he said, and we gave each other a hug. I couldn’t wait for the boys to meet him.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said, looking down at his tennis shoes.
“What’s up? Are you proposing marriage?”
“No,” he said, turning bright red before he realized I was kidding. “It’s just that Mel’s mom doesn’t like me very much. I mean, before she went away and stuff, she would yell at Mel for staying on the phone with me, and she wouldn’t let us go out or hang out together. I think she blamed me for Mel not eating, and you know, I was the one trying to help her. I mean, it’s true, I would let her chew gum and watch me eat lunch, but I didn’t know what to do. Now I do.”
“Beth and I have both talked to Kathryn about you, and she is in a better place now, too,” I said. “Come on in, Gavin. It’s going to be fine.”
We walked in the door with my arm looped in his. He was blushing, I thought, but I was enjoying a borrowed boy since mine had abandoned me for another week in the woods.
“Gavin,” Melanie shouted as she jumped up from the bar stool and gave him a hug. I thought at that moment about the purity of their love, that first-love devotion and passion.
“Hey buddy,” Patrick said, clearly bonded with the teen. It seems he’d been awaiting another male’s arrival to venture into the kitchen/office. He’d been hiding upstairs since he’d arrived home from work.
“Gavin,” Kathryn said. “It’s wonderful to see you.” When she reached him, she, too, gave Gavin a hug.
He grinned at me over her head. “Hi Mrs. Majors. Wow, you’re tan.”
“I’ve been spending a lot of time outside, in Montana. And one of the things I learned there was to admit when I’m wrong. I’m sorry to have mistrusted you,” Kathryn said. “I was worried about my daughter, and I didn’t know if you could handle everything she was going through. I should’ve given you more credit, young man. Thank you for all that you’ve done for Melanie.”
“That’s okay, Mrs. Majors.” Gavin was now blushing even more deeply.
“Um, hate to break up this love fest—it’s a great scene for a Lifetime movie—but I have a huge party to host tomorrow evening, a business to start, and, well, all of you are a part of it. So let’s focus on me, okay?” They all laughed.
After everybody gave their updates—everyone being Mel and Kathryn—Gavin and Mel took off for dinner and the movies. After they’d left, I suggested to Kathryn that she and I sit on the porch and talk about going into business together.
“Patrick, you can be the attorney who puts our deal together, okay?” I said. “Let’s get outside. It’s perfect porch-sitting time.” I quickly put together an appetizer plate. None of us needed smoked meat tonight, I thought, and instead I made a platter of blueberries, strawberries, and a great artichoke dip and crackers. I poured us each a glass of pinot noir. “I just have to return one more phone call, and your next two weeks are booked,” Kathryn said with a smile as we walked outside. “We are doing this thing, big time. You have a closing rate, overall, of about 16 percent. I’d like to see you get that up a bit.”
“Yes, I’ll work on it. At least I’m getting a lot of practice handling rejections,” I said.
“But you need to work on overcoming objections so you get the sale,” Kathryn said.
“Fine, fine, but right now, I need you to hurry. The sunset waits for no woman, even the Type-A ones,” I said, and placed the appetizers on the table. Patrick had already claimed the rocking chair, so Kathryn and I shared the couch.
“This is wonderful,” I said, and stretched. And it was.
The three of us clinked our wine glasses and quietly sat together, each of us lost in our own thoughts.
I thought about Charlotte, soon to be at Jim’s funeral service. I thought, as always, about my boys in Maine, who, an hour or two earlier, had probably watched the sunset’s vibrant purples and oranges dance across the pristine lake and mountains beyond. On our way to the airport after Drop-Off Day we’d stopped at one of the many antique stores lining the rural roads along our drive. I’d picked up an old tin sign that read: Do one thing every day that scares you. So far this summer, I’d done just that. And I’d grown because of it. I knew, sitting in the dentist’s chair earlier in the summer, that something about my life had to change. What I also had discovered was that I was the only one who could do it. Not having that realization was what had held me back for so long. I was ready to rewrite Things to Change rule Number One: My life is up to me to define. I needed to make my own dreams come true. And I smiled as I thought: you know, I’m doing it.
As I looked around at the blue and periwinkle hydrangeas and the pink sunset, I said aloud, “I am happy!” forgetting, of course, Patrick and Kathryn were on the porch, too.
“What?” Kathryn asked, smiling at me.
Patrick was looking at me with sparkly eyes.
“I’m happy. This is a great time of life. This sunset. Your friendship. A business. Great kids. A mostly perfect husband. I am not trying to brag or anything, I’m just feeling so thankful and blessed. I really love my life, myself, right now. And, even turning forty doesn’t seem so bad anymore,” I said.
“You’re lucky to be in that place, feeling so confident,” Kathryn said, grabbing a cracker and some dip. “I used to feel like that. Like I was doing what I should be doing: married to the right guy, working at a career that I should be pursuing, where I was valued, and of course, raising a daughter who was confident and happy. Now it all seems like someone else’s life.”
“Would you have changed anything, though? I mean, you loved Bruce once; Melanie is a brilliant young woman who will get her feet back under her. And your career? Heck, how many women can say they’ve achieved all you have? You changed an industry. You’re a trailblazer,” I said.
I looked into Kathryn’s deep brown eyes and saw the shiny reflection of tears there. But what were they for? The reality that her life was dramatically different now, or the memory of all of the sacrifices she had made along the way?
“Thanks, Kelly, you’ve always been there for me, even if I haven’t spent enough time cheering you on in return.”
“Uh, you’ve been there whenever I needed you. We all just get so busy taking care of everyone and everything, we forget the care and feeding of friends. That is one of my Things to Change points—number five on the list, to be exact—and look, it’s what we’re doing now.”
Patrick cleared his throat. “Well, given that this is girls’ talk, I think I’ll go inside and make some real food for dinner.”
“Thanks chef.” I said.
“He’s a great guy,” Kathryn said after Patrick skedaddled.
“I’m lucky,” I agreed.
We sat quietly and watched as the sun turned to a magenta pink. Two hummingbirds were busy refueling their tiny bodies at my feeder. It was a beautiful night. I should probably be cleaning or doing something for tomorrow’s party, I thought. Then I stopped. Be in the moment now, I reminded myself.
“At the ranch I had a session with a counselor during which we used a mandala as the metaphor for life and renewal,” Kathryn said. “It made a huge impact on me.”
With her calm, reflective tone, she was starting to remind me of Charlotte. I wondered again if she was on drugs, too. Midlife women and antidepressants seemed eerily tied together.
“Uh, what’s a mandala?” I asked. I got up to grab the porch candles and lit them as she spoke.
“In the Hindu tradition, mandalas represent the essence of self. They are circles with all different designs in them. The counselor asked me to select the twelve different patterns on transparent cards that spoke to me the most. Then I had to pick one I didn’t like. Then I picked colors to place under the transparent cards I liked, and a color that would make the mandala I didn’t like feel better. She placed the cards onto a chart that flowed clockwise, starting at the bottom. Picture six o’clock on a watch; that was the first position, where new creations begin. I was actually already on stage seven—think twelve o’clock on the dial—representing renewal and energy, intuition and identity. It was so cool talking about my rebirth, the notion that I was getting reborn. Full-flowered feminine is what the counselor said. I picked all blues, the yin color, the feminine side. Yang is yellow, masculine.”
“Let me guess; green is perfect harmony, the yin and yang?” I said, proud of my deductive reasoning.
Kathryn ignored me, lost in thought. “I was proud of that. It meant that I was coming into my own. Finally, as a forty-year-old woman, I was starting to be the real me. At the center of the mandala chart was the central spiritual connection. And I felt it was there. I felt connected to nature, to people, and to God. I need to keep that feeling. And as soon as I completed the session, I felt transformed. That’s when I knew I was ready to come home. Ready to settle and forgive and get on with my next chapter.”
“That’s so great, Kathryn. I want to go there sometime.”
“I think you are; you’re in the creation phase.”
“No, I mean Montana, silly,” I said, laughing.
“We will. In fact, let’s make it your birthday present. A week together out there, whenever you’d like! It’s really a blessing, to let go of grudges, to forgive, and to move on. To allow yourself to get rid of what they called emotional hoarding.”
