by Scott, Eliot
Alex nods.
Our peace is suddenly interrupted by the familiar song blaring from somewhere in the kitchen. I recognize it instantly, but somehow I have the strength to wear the mask. It’s Emily’s favorite Taylor Swift song, but I act as if I have no idea who could be calling. I pull back slightly and Alex draws his brow in and bunches his lips in a tight smile.
“That’s an interesting ring tone,” he says through a chuckle.
I hold the smile in it’s place, but my heart beats once in a heavy thud that drains the blood from my arms and legs. I stumble as I climb from Alex’s lap and try to steady myself as I rush to the counter. I don’t realize he’s followed me until I find the buzzing, blinking and pop-tune blaring phone at the very bottom of my purse.
“Emily…Emily…” Her name comes out in a panic, afraid I missed her call, and when I look up, Alex is sitting on the wooden stool at the kitchen island only inches away from me.
“Mommy!” She shrieks my name excitedly, like she always does when we haven’t talked for a few days, and all I can think is how I should turn the volume down, how I’m sure Alex heard that word—mommy.
I blink, concentrating on the way my mouth rests, willing it to smile but not too much, reminding me to speak in riddles, to keep my voice adult-like.
To lie.
Only finally, after so very long, Alex and I have started telling the truth. I can’t go back to deception now. This is the test. It was always going to be the test. Only…I’m so not ready.
Deep breath.
“Hey, I’m sorry I’m winded. I had to rush to the phone.” I flinch when I feel Alex’s fingers brush against mine. His brow lowers and his mouth draws in on one side, so I lean forward and kiss his cheek quickly before holding up a finger and stepping away a few paces. As if I could ever walk away enough to make this lie feel right.
“Uncle Jeff needs to talk to you. He got a job offer. In a big city!”
My stomach somehow finds new depth, sinking more. Jeff is my rock, and the only safe place for me to run—for me to keep Emily until it’s time. He can’t move to the city. Especially not this one. And not now.
“Oh, that’s exciting. I’d love to hear more. Can you put Jeff on speaker?” I turn and smile in Alex’s direction in case he’s watching me. I’m relieved that he’s not. He’s moving around the kitchen now, opening a cupboard and pulling out cups for coffee.
“Hey, Jojo.” My best friend has never been good at lying, and I can tell by the hesitation to say anymore, by the way his tone oozes worry and longing and near desperation, that this job offer is something he needs to take.
“Sounds like this is the one, huh?” I’m careful with my words still, even though it’s Jeff I’m speaking to.
His sigh is weighted. “It’s pretty much perfect, Jo. It’s product development and innovation, and I’d be the team lead. I’d basically be in charge of making things that can cure cancer. I can’t…”
“I know,” I interrupt, my voice hoarse because Jeff is right—it’s perfect. I want him doing work like this. The world needs it as much as my mom’s memory deserves it. “You have to.”
“It’s in San Francisco. And the pay is just…”
“Yeah…” I say.
My resolve falls just enough to let my disappointment show, and Alex’s hand is reaching for mine again. I don’t flinch this time, instead focusing on the way his hand holds mine as he lifts it to his mouth and presses his lips against my knuckles.
“When do you start?” I ask, locking eyes with Alex before tearing my gaze away from his because I suddenly feel so guilty for not telling him about Emily yet.
“That’s the thing…uh…” The other end of the line is silent for a few seconds before Emily breaks in.
“He signs papers today!” My little girl’s voice paints the world with her enthusiasm and pride, but it’s more than her being happy for Jeff. She knows that means she and I will be together again soon…today maybe!
“Oh. Today? So then you must be in California?” I scratch at my head, trying to find a way to talk in code and digest the avalanche I can no longer stop. The biggest secret of all can’t be kept from Alex any longer.
“We’re in the driveway. All of us.”
Oh, God!
“Yes. Sorry, Jojo. I know you wanted time, but, we’re in the driveway. So…I hope you’re both dressed.”
My aunt is half her usual dry-sarcasm, half apologetic.
My mind starts spinning with the news: Emily’s here. She’s in the driveway. Oh God, please help me through this. Please…
“What?” I choke and all of the air disappears from my lungs as I bring my other hand to the bridge of my nose and squeeze, trying to stop the panic. I can’t though. It’s rushing in like a flood.
“I’m so sorry, Jojo,” Jeff says. “I’ve got about twenty minutes before I need to hightail it to the airport.”
“We’ve been trying to call.” My aunt pipes in next. “May Sinclair has been at the antique shop all morning. She’s just hovering around the corner in her car. She even came in and pretended to shop. It’s like she knows. I waited until lunch. Flipped the be back in an hour sign on the door and had to shake her following me. Made it just in time to meet Jeff at the highway junction. The only thing I could think to do was come here. Walt’s gone hunting for the next three weeks, and I just don’t like the idea of Emily and me being there—that close to May—alone.”
Like Jeff, my aunt sounds worried, but I can tell she’s also anticipating this—that she’s somehow relieved. She’s never loved the idea of me keeping this secret, even though she understood why I wanted to wait. And now…I’m thinking maybe she did know best. If May’s been at the antique shop, it’s probably because I never turned up back at the shop. Or maybe she knows about Emily? And if that’s the case, having her here, between me and Alex, is the safest place she can be. My heart drops with some heavy layers of fear as I let myself wonder the worst case scenario.
What if Alex doesn’t want her?
“Well, it’s time to rip the BandAid off, I guess.” My gaze shifts to Alex’s who’s approached to set a mug of coffee down next to me. I can’t hide my anxiety about this. He’s trying to read my mind, just like he always did, and I guess still does. His brow wrinkles with concern.
“What?” he mouths while I try to send out the message—the outcome that I’m now praying for that all is okay.
Not a day has passed that I didn’t want Emily to meet her daddy, that I didn’t want to introduce the two most important people in my life to one another.
It’s time; whether I’m ready or not. “People are outside. My aunt and…my roommate Jeff and—” Losing my nerve, I leave off Emily, and simply add, “You need to meet them. I’m sorry that it’s kind of a surprise. Is it okay if we’re invaded?”
“Hell yes,” he says, picking up my hand. “Of course.”
“Come on in,” I say, the words vibrating on a tremor that’s half terror and all excitement on their way out.
I intertwine Alex’s fingers with my own, kneading our hands together nervously, staring at his skin against mine for just a little longer before I test the bonds of trust that we’ve only begun to mend.
The line jostles as Jeff switches from speaker, bringing the phone to his ear.
“Jo. I’m so sorry. If this is not okay—if this is too sudden—I can talk them out of doing this now. I can postpone everything.”
His offer is actually genuine, and I mentally zoom through the dozens of things Jeff has given up since taking me in as a roommate.
His last boyfriend, who wanted the two of them to move in together, I know why it didn’t work out—because of me…and Emily. The last job offer, to teach at UC Davis, wasn’t the right fit because it wouldn’t be good for me and Emily. And the millions of tiny sacrifices that have happened over the years, like the nights I cried over my fucked-up life and Jeff rocked me to sleep even though he had to work at four in the morning.
> “You have to take this. Come in, meet Alex, and then get to the airport.”
I pause and stare into Alex’s eyes.
“We’ll be okay, Jeff. All of us.”
“Heading up the steps then. I need to use the restroom,” my aunt butts in, and I blink as the line goes dead.
“I never expected you to wait for me, Jojo. I always just hoped you would be happy. And I know you said there wasn’t a someone, but that…it kinda sounded like a guy someone, and from the way you spoke to him, I can tell you love him, and…what am I trying to say? I guess just tell me if you’re going to throw yourself at him and kiss him and say something like, ‘Hey, honey, I missed you.’ I’ll prepare myself for it.” His voice cracks. “I need to know so I can prepare my head.”
His mouth settles in a tight line, his nostrils flaring with a quick breath as I mentally catch up to what he’s thinking.
Oh god…
“No. Alex—you’re misunderstanding. It—Jeff—he is someone special but it’s not like that between us. You’ll see.” My throat is scratchy, like sand paper, and every swallow only closes the airway more. I want to shout out that he’s got a daughter, that she’s on the front porch, but I’ve lost my courage—and the ability to speak. My insides sink seeing how sad his face looked just now while asking me if he and I are not going to be anything beyond this amazing few days we’ve shared.
I gather some thoughts and spit them out fast. “I’ve been living with Jeff while I work and go to college,” I start. “But, he…we…oh, God,” is all that falls out of my mouth.
Again Alex takes them all wrong. “Wow, that’s…that’s a long time to be dating someone…okay…okay.” He pulls in a breath.
“No. Alex!” I put my palm flat against his chest and take a deep breath, hoping a little courage will work its way in along with the air. “We’re not together, not at all…ever. Not like that. He helps me out tremendously, and I love him, and he loves me, but it’s about something else—something huge.”
The knocking begins, and I start to lead him toward the doorway. “Just open the door. You’ll see, just please...keep a straight face if you can. Please.”
“Helps you with what?” Alex answers absently as regret flickers across his warm brown eyes. I think he doesn’t believe me about Jeff, but he ratchets on his stoic-faced mask as he adds, “And…I was born keeping a straight face on…”
His eyes flit to the door, now rattling with pounding and echoing with incessant dinging. My aunt. Emily.
“Jeff. He helps with my…my daughter.” I whisper, scooting in front of him, shoving my back against the front door as I hold up my hands, blocking him from opening it. “That’s—she’s the huge thing.”
Alex’s whole face has contorted at my words, and his body has grown rigid. His pupils swell, and I know he no longer sees me. He’s got this fight-or-flight expression on right now, but he’s holding steady because I think his heart knows.
Please, God, let him see into me. Let him see what I’m trying to say.
In case God isn’t listening to my prayers—because he’s got a habit of ignoring me big-time when I’m in Tacoma— for Emily’s sake, I have to add the truth. I have to get it out, and it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. This truth is so big and scary, but it’s so amazing.
I have to believe.
“This isn’t how I wanted any of this to happen. And I’m so sorry that this is how it is—that this is how you’re finding out. But I needed to know; I had to be sure. I needed to feel safe. I had a plan, and this sped everything up. I’ve really messed this up, but Alex…please.” I stutter out, letting myself get pulled into what I think is his wide-open, terrified expression. I rush on before I lose my nerve.
“Whatever happens, whatever or wherever your mind goes with this, please forgive me for not knowing how to tell you. She’s nearly six, but still five until the end of next month. It mean’s she’s really little still, but she’s so smart.”
I breathe, and my lips part before the whisper escapes while my eyes are locked on his.
“Like you.”
My voice cracks as I let my fear, my love for our daughter, and everything that makes me into an over-protective mother show on my face.
“She’s so sweet, and her imagination is magical. And she’s been obsessed with meeting her real father—you—for years. I’ve told her about you since she first asked me about her daddy, so try to be gentle. If you don’t want…us…that’s fine too. Just meet her but spare her, and we will go somewhere and find a way to be happy.”
That last part is a lie, but I felt compelled to give him the out. I blink, pleading and dying a little inside. “Okay?”
His eyes hold steady on mine, and that mask he wears so well shifts into something different—something new.
“Don’t say those words, that you’ll leave, to me ever again, Jo. No matter what; never again.” His eyes slant just a little as tears threaten to form.
“You have to get that idea out of your head—that I won’t want you…or this. Jo…I won’t live another day without you, and, Christ, we have a daughter. We’re a family? I’m a father?” The last words slip out in a shocked-sounding whisper. A tear slips down my cheek as I nod my response.
“Just tell me,” he goes on. “Shit. My legs are shaking so hard right now. And I can’t even think straight.” A nervous laugh slips out, but he chokes on it quickly. His face has gone completely pale, and he’s now running his hands deep into his hair, keeping his thumbs against his temples as though his skull is threatening to blow up.
“Tell you what?” I look up at him, realizing my whole body is shaking as much as his is.
“Just tell me her name.” He grabs me by the shoulders, kisses me quickly on my forehead, and gently pulls me off the door while reaching for the handle. “What’s her name, so I can say it to her.”
“Emily. Her name’s Emily. And you are going to love her. I promise.”
“More than the sun, Jojo. More than the sun.” His voice is sandpaper-rough as he looks back at me, and his beautiful eyes reflect an expression I’ve never seen before. The fear is gone, and all I can read in there is his wonder and this flash of beautiful trust at what’s happening right now.
I swear I also feel something akin to joy seeping into his body, but because he’s Alex, and I know him too well, he also can’t hide the worry that holds him back. For once, I’m like him—I’m worried, too.
I suck in my breath, hold it tight and pray like I’ve never prayed before as the man I love so much it hurts pulls the door open wide and looks down at our daughter for the first time.
9.
Alex, Present Day.
The little girl—Emily—is smaller than what I’d already imagined almost-six might look like. Before I can even focus on her, this voice, clear as a bell, chimes out and sears into my heart. “Mommy! Mommy!” she shouts before hurtling herself into Jojo’s arms and then burying her face and laughter into her mom’s chest.
And just like that, she’s inside my house—part of my soul—and my head is spinning so hard as I try to pinch myself awake in case this is some sort of a dream.
My daughter…my daughter.
At twenty-four, I’m too young to be a father…aren’t I?
I register that Jojo’s Aunt Shelly, and the man named Jeff that Jojo has spoken of so much, have entered into the foyer behind Emily, but it’s all in a fog because I can’t stop staring. I can’t stop the head spinning.
My daughter…my daughter.
Jojo’s kneeling, laughing along with her child—fuck…our child—and she’s placing her hands all over Emily’s face, her arms, her hair, then stroking the little girl’s back and shoulders as though she’s taking stock of every inch of the little girl.
Emily. Her name is Emily. She’s so tiny. So sweet.
Jojo’s daughter… Jojo’s daughter. Our daughter?
Emily.
Jojo had a baby—our bab
y—when she was barely eighteen!
How…how could she have done this all alone?
Why didn’t she tell me right away? Why…?
You know why. Jojo was afraid…probably protecting her child.
Holy…shit!
I’ve tracked the utter relief and happiness on Jojo’s face, and I’ve deleted all of the impossibility arguments that came into my head at first, because Jojo never lies. Never. And she’d never lie about something as huge as this. It feels so unreal, yet here she is in front of me. Emily. Hugging the woman I love. My daughter. Our daughter. A fully formed, yet miniature, whole human being that has lived almost six years.
One whom I didn’t even know about a few moments before.
My breathing catches on these last thoughts as my eyes stick onto her profile.
God, she’s beautiful, and as shining as a sunbeam hitting the lake. Her laughter’s as bright as the moon and sparkles tinkling into the air—and damn—but she’s so tiny she’s all but disappeared again into Jojo’s embrace.
As they stay there rocking together, because it’s obvious they’ve missed each other terribly and that they need this time, I can hardly tell where the little girl’s long brown, waving hair begins and her mother’s beautiful hair ends.
My mind explodes at this realization, that there could be a person with the exact same colors and curls to her hair as Jojo.
They’re one and the same…mother, and daughter…and…and…God help my heart. They’re both really mine.
My chest twists, my heart pounding so loudly it’s like thundering horses. I still can’t tear my eyes off of her, nor do I hear one word tumbling out of anyone’s mouth.
I have a family. I. Am. A. Father.
How the hell am I ever going to protect her?
I focus in on this new kind of father-heartbeat pounding into my chest. It’s bigger than me. It’s fierce and suddenly it’s all consuming, yet oddly it feels like a pounding I’ve known for my entire life. I find that I’m humbled, empowered and in awe all at once as I breathe in then out, embracing this new consciousness, becoming this new kind of person.
