by Sarah Forbes
“GIVE ME MY RECIPE!” Miss Crabb hollered again.
Just as Elspeth was about to give up and tell her where the recipe was, Gladys Goulash hissed, “Oi! Someone’s coming!”
In one swift movement Miss Crabb dragged Elspeth back over the railing and plonked her down on the deck.
“Gah! Get over there,” Miss Crabb said, shoving Elspeth and Rory behind a huge lifeboat.
Elspeth gasped for breath, taking in big lungfuls of air. Rory flung an arm around her and they cowered behind the lifeboat.
The door to the deck burst open and Cassie and Captain Steel rushed out, followed by Poppy and Pippy, Cassie’s mum and dad, Lord and Lady Spewitt, a confused Tinkiewinks, Petunia and Albert Galoshes-Gallop, Baron Van Der Blink, Jimmy McScoff and a whole load of other passengers.
“There they are!” Cassie shouted, pointing at Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash.
Miss Crabb grabbed Gladys Goulash and tried to hide behind her. But it didn’t work, because Miss Crabb was so much taller than Gladys Goulash.
“We can see you,” Captain Steel said firmly. “Come out from behind your friend.”
Elspeth and Rory slipped further back into the shadow of the lifeboat as more passengers pushed their way up on deck.
“Come out RIGHT NOW!” Captain Steel shouted.
“What? Why? I ain’t done nothing!” shrieked Miss Crabb.
The captain gestured to Jimmy McScoff, who stepped forward and yanked Miss Crabb out from behind Gladys Goulash.
“Well,” said Captain Steel. “These ladies certainly look rather like the escaped criminals on the front page of the newspaper … although they do have different hair.”
There was a dreadful pause.
Elspeth peeked out from behind the lifeboat and caught Cassie’s eye in the crowd. She pointed to her own hair, then pulled a piece of it upwards, hoping Cassie would get the message.
Pull off their wigs! she thought, wishing she could send the idea right into Cassie’s head.
It worked. Cassie’s eyes widened as she realized what Elspeth was suggesting, and she pushed her way to the front of the crowd.
“Do you recognize them NOW?” asked Cassie. She jumped up, pulling off Miss Crabb’s wig with one hand and Gladys Goulash’s wig with the other.
Miss Crabb screeched and tried to bite Cassie and Gladys gave a nervous burp.
“Yes! The very same ladies from the newspaper!” Lord Spewitt cried. “Gosh, without those wigs it’s quite obvious.” He took a step backwards. “The … smell … is also quite unpleasant. I believe that was mentioned in the article, too.”
“I’ll radio to shore immediately,” said Captain Steel. “Jimmy McScoff, would you kindly keep these ladies captive in the bin store. Once all the passengers have disembarked, we can hand them over to the authorities.”
“Aye, aye, Cap’n,” said Jimmy McScoff. “I never was very happy with that hairstyle they gave me.”
Elspeth and Rory looked at each other in delight as Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash were hauled away, kicking and spitting and struggling and shouting.
When the stream of curious passengers had left the deck, Elspeth and Rory fled back to their cabin. They were safe once more – and, even better, they had the recipe.
“Elspeth, you did it!” Rory jumped up and down on his bed with glee. Lazlo jumped on the pillow, making smaller bounces. “Oh, I thought it was the end of you when she dangled you over the edge! But we’re safe from Crabb and Goulash again and you’ve got your recipe back!”
Elspeth took a run across the room and jumped up on to the bed with him, and they held hands and bounced together. She was so relieved that she didn’t know what to say.
They heard Cassie’s special knock at the door.
“Oh my goodness!” Cassie cried, dancing in and hugging first Elspeth, then Rory. “That was so exciting! And you should see what they’ve done to Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash. That bin room smells almost as bad as they do!”
Elspeth started laughing. “You were brilliant! Thanks, Cassie,” she said. “We couldn’t have done it without you.”
“No, you’re the one who came up with all the clever ideas!” said Cassie. “But what now? How are you going to get back to England?”
“I’m going to have to confess to Tunnock that I’m here,” Rory said, feeding Lazlo their very last bit of chocolate. “Then he can come and collect me.”
“Won’t your parents come and get you?” Cassie asked.
“Oh no. Hopefully they won’t even know I’ve been gone,” Rory said. “Tunners won’t tell them. He’ll be worried about getting into trouble. But I doubt he’ll let me out of his sight ever again! He’ll go absolutely bonkers when I tell him where I am.”
Rory picked up the cabin phone, punched in a number and waited.
Elspeth could hear a high-pitched shriek on the other end of the phone when Rory explained where he was, then a lot of questions. Rory had been right – Mr Tunnock had gone absolutely bonkers.
Elspeth listened as Rory tried to convince Tunnock he was about to arrive in New York, then tried to convince Tunnock to stop weeping, then tried to convince Tunnock to fly the private jet over to meet them. Eventually he put the phone down.
“Well,” he said. “Tunners is pretty upset with me, but he’s on his way. He’s contacting the head butler at the International Grand Hotel, who will meet us when the ship docks. He’ll look after us until Tunners arrives.”
“Thank goodness!” Elspeth squeezed his arm. “Good work, Rory. I didn’t fancy having to stow away on another ship to get back home.”
“But you would have done it if you had to,” Rory said. “And you would have managed, Elspeth, because you’re brave like that.”
Then he looked embarrassed and went a bit pink. “Anyway it’s time to pack our things,” he said, picking up his satchel.
Down in the stinky bin room, Miss Crabb was stomping around in a rage, kicking over stacks of empty cardboard boxes. Gladys Goulash had settled herself down next to a tub full of old vegetable peelings and was munching on some carrot skins.
“Mmm, not bad, these,” she said, picking a piece of carrot out of her teeth. “Quite tasty.”
“Gah!” Miss Crabb shuddered with rage and marched towards Gladys, but she slipped on an old banana skin and landed on her back with her feet in the air. As you can imagine, dear reader, this did not improve her mood.
“Stupid banana skin … idiot child … my plan’s been RUINED!” Miss Crabb cried as she hauled herself upright. She started kicking the door in a fit of rage.
Jimmy McScoff gave the door a thump from the outside and Miss Crabb jumped backwards.
“Put a sock in it, woman!” he yelled. “I’ve got a fish slice out here and I’m not afraid to use it!”
Miss Crabb grumbled to herself, but she sat down next to Gladys and stared at the door through narrowed eyes.
“You haven’t seen the last of me, Elspeth Hart,” she muttered.
On the final morning of the HMS Unsinkable’s voyage, Elspeth woke up early and lay for a long time, thinking about her mum and dad as the ship ploughed on through the waves.
Are you really in Australia? she wondered. She thought about how worried they must be. I’m going to find you, Mum and Dad, she thought. She concentrated as hard as she could, trying to make her thoughts zip across the world to wherever her parents were. The recipe is safe at last and I’m going to find you.
Just then, a loud voice came over the tannoy. “Lords, ladies and gentlemen! We hope you have had a wonderful time on the HMS Unsinkable. Please be advised that we dock in New York in fifteen minutes.”
“This is it, Elspeth,” Rory said, jumping out of bed. “We’re almost there! Can you see any land yet?”
They both peered out of the porthole and spotted a long, hazy line of coast in the distance. Then they heard Cassie’s special knock at the door.
“I can’t stop,” Cassie said, rushing in. “I just wanted to give you this.
It’s my mum’s old golfing umbrella. It’s huge. You can put it up when you’re leaving and slip through the crowd. The weather forecast says rain, so everyone will have umbrellas, and they won’t notice another…” Cassie gave a little hiccup and swiped at her eyes.
“Cassie, are you crying?” Rory asked.
“No!” said Cassie indignantly. “I never cry! Crying’s for babies!” But she dashed across the room and hugged first Rory, then Elspeth. Then she patted Lazlo on the head and for once he didn’t try to bite or wriggle away.
“I’ll write to you both,” Cassie said. Then she sniffed and wiped at her eyes again. “Can’t stay,” she added, and hurried out.
Elspeth and Rory smiled at each other.
“Looks like Cassie’s not very good at goodbyes,” said Rory.
“Maybe she’s not as tough as she makes out,” Elspeth said. “I hope we meet her again one day.”
Elspeth felt as though she was in a dream as they followed the stream of passengers getting off the ship. Nobody paid any attention to them, because they were all too busy talking about what an exciting voyage it had been.
“I can’t imagine I shall EVER be able to eat another meal after all that drama!” Petunia was saying loudly as she moved down the gangway with Albert.
“Yes, dear,” said Albert.
“I quite agree,” said Lady Spewitt. She was holding Tinkiewinks, who was dressed in a sailor costume.
“I’m thinking of writing a book about it,” said Lady Spewitt. “It will be called Our Terror on the Seas, and Tinkiewinks will help me write it!”
Tinkiewinks howled and tried to scratch her, but Lady Spewitt gave a dainty laugh and pretended she hadn’t noticed.
The rain was hammering on Elspeth and Rory’s umbrella, and they had to make their way carefully down the slippery gangway. Elspeth could just make out some people on the docks. One of them was a man in a smart uniform holding a sign that read Guests of Mr Tunnock.
“Master Rory! I have been expecting you and your friend!” The butler swept towards them, taking their bags and drawing them towards a taxi.
He was nothing like Mr Tunnock. He was short and plump and smiley.
“I shall settle you comfortably in my hotel until your Mr Tunnock collects you. He has instructed me not to let you out of my sight!”
“I told you it’d all be fine,” Rory said to Elspeth as they clambered into the taxi. “I was never really that worried about any of it.”
Elspeth knew that wasn’t quite true, but she smiled and didn’t say anything. She didn’t dare to think how things would have turned out without Rory to help her.
As they drove off, Elspeth gazed back at the HMS Unsinkable, enjoying the sound of the rain drumming on the roof of the taxi. She touched the top of her trainer and felt the folded-up recipe there. She’d done it. The recipe was safe once more.
And then something caught her eye.
At the side of the HMS Unsinkable, she spotted a small splash as a little boat hit the water. It looked as though someone was rowing away in one of the lifeboats.
Elspeth strained her eyes to see better. Yes, someone was rowing away in one of the lifeboats. In fact, there were two people. It looked as though one very tall person and one short dumpy person were rowing away as fast as they possibly could.
Elspeth gulped.
It couldn’t be … could it?
It was three o’clock on a Tuesday, and Miss Crabb was picking her nose. She was digging her long, pointy finger right inside her nostril and pulling out the most awful strings of green snot.
Elspeth Hart was staring at her in horror. She didn’t want to watch, but she couldn’t help it.
“Gah! What are you staring at, you little ratbag?” shouted Miss Crabb, when she realized Elspeth was watching. “Can’t a body pick her own nostrils in peace? Gerroff down to the cellars and sweep up the mouse droppings! I might need them as an ingredient in the stew I’m making. Get to it!”
Elspeth hurried off. She had only lived with Miss Crabb for a year, but she already knew not to cross her. Miss Crabb was Elspeth’s aunt. She had a nasty temper and a never-ending list of disgusting chores she could make Elspeth do.
Elspeth and Miss Crabb didn’t live in a house like most people. They lived in a boarding school. Miss Crabb was the Chief Cook at the school and she lived in a very small attic right at the top of the building. So when Elspeth moved in, there wasn’t much space for her. She had to sleep in a wardrobe.
Yes, dear reader – a wardrobe! It doesn’t seem very fair to me, either. That was bad enough, but the school itself was even worse. It was a drama school called the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs and it was a dreadful place. You could only study there if you were really, really good at showing off, or your parents were very rich. Hundreds and hundreds of film stars, TV stars, people in adverts – they had all been to the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs, once upon a time. And some of the students were nastier than a mouthful of mouldy cabbage.
The Pandora Pants School for Show-offs was not a place you would want to visit. Ever. Unless you, dear reader, are a show-off. Are you?
I thought not. And nor was Elspeth Hart.
Elspeth Hart was a bit shorter than you are, and a bit shyer than you are. She had green eyes and fuzzy dark hair that was hard to control. She had lived a normal life until she was ten, when her parents disappeared in a flood and were never seen again. That was when she had come to live with Miss Crabb.
“More mouse droppings,” Elspeth muttered, as she stepped into the dark cellar. “I can’t believe she gets away with putting them in the food. Evil old woman.”
She moved sideways in the dark, feeling around for the light switch, and bashed her knee hard against the wall. Tears came to her eyes, but Elspeth blinked them away.
She switched on the light, looked around the stinky, dripping cellar and started sweeping very slowly. Elspeth could hear Miss Crabb upstairs, crashing and banging around the kitchen in a rage, and she was in no hurry to go back.
“STUPID LITTLE VARMINTS!” Miss Crabb was shouting. “I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO COOK FOR THESE STUPID LITTLE VARMINTS!”
There was the sound of smashing glass.
Miss Crabb hated the children at the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs. She hated Elspeth, too. And if Miss Crabb met you, dear reader, I am afraid that she would hate you, no matter how friendly you are. Children were Miss Crabb’s sworn enemies, and she did everything she could to make poor Elspeth’s life a misery.
When Elspeth came to live with her, Miss Crabb instantly put her to work in the filthiest, stickiest, darkest corner of the kitchen and gave her all sorts of other horrible jobs around the school. Elspeth never complained. As you know, she was quite a bit shyer than you are, and besides, she had been brought up to be very polite. So poor Elspeth had to scrub pots and shoo away cockroaches and watch Miss Crabb make the most disgusting school dinners in the world.
If you’ve ever tried to keep your head down in a horrible situation, dear reader, you can imagine how poor Elspeth felt. But what Elspeth didn’t know, as she swept up hundreds of mouse droppings in a creepy dark cellar, was that things were about to change.
Copyright
STRIPES PUBLISHING
An imprint of Little Tiger Press
1 The Coda Centre, 189 Munster Road,
London SW6 6AW
Text copyright © Sarah Forbes, 2015
Illustrations copyright © James Brown, 2015
Background images courtesy of www.shutterstock.com
First published as an ebook by Stripes Publishing in 2015
eISBN: 978-1-84715-705-8
The right of Sarah Forbes and James Brown to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work respectively has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
All rights reserved.
Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored,
or transmitted, in any forms, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of the publishers or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
www.littletiger.co.uk
