Upside Down Inside Out

by Monica McInerney

  Now?

  Right now. Look at you, this is ridiculous. You fly across the world to see your friend, then you throw a tantrum and book yourself into a hotel five minutes from her house. Don’t you think that’s a bit silly?

  Yes, but—

  You go down to reception right now, check out again. Then you go around that corner and see Lainey and talk to her. Now.

  But—

  Eva, you are a smart, capable human being. You have many friends. You have people who love you. You have something new and exciting waiting for you in Dublin. You’ve started something with a lovely man that might get even nicer if you dare to tell him the truth too. But you have to start somewhere, and Lainey’s the closest to hand.

  Eva got off the bed and went into the bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror for a long moment. Her hair was down again. She’d been wearing it like that most of the time she’d been in Melbourne, since Lainey had told her it suited her like that. Eva realized something then. She didn’t like wearing her hair down. If she had done, she would have been wearing it down for years. But it got in her eyes, that’s why she preferred to wear it in the plait. And she thought it suited her better like that, anyway.

  So wear it in a plait. Since when was Lainey the Hair Police?

  Eva quickly plaited her hair.

  Good. Step one, hair fixed. Now step two, Lainey.

  Eva stopped her train of thought right there. Step two was going to be a bit harder to fix. And she didn’t want to even think about step three.

  CHAPTER 33

  Eva quietly opened the front door to Lainey’s apartment and jumped as a shadow moved in front of her. It was Rex.

  “No, Rexie,” she whispered. This was no time for an escape bid. She closed the door and waited. She heard Lainey’s voice and stiffened. Was Joe in here with her? Oh God, she couldn’t handle that. She had turned back to the door when the voice inside her spoke again.

  Go in there. Sort this out.

  Lainey was on the phone. “I know it’s only been two hours, but she’s just an innocent. God knows what might have happened to her, can’t you just drive around? Or put out an alert or something?”

  Eva put down her bag with enough noise to make Lainey spin around. Her expression changed rapidly. “It’s all right, sergeant, she’s here.” She hung up and stood up. “Oh, thank God, you’re okay. Bloody hell, Eva, you’ve had me worried sick. I’ve been onto the police, the hospitals—where the hell were you? Joe and I were both worried about you.”

  Joe and I? It was Joe and I? Eva’s good intentions disappeared in a flash. The reasoned conversation she’d planned disappeared. She was instantly as angry as she’d been before. “You noticed I was gone? I’m surprised you could see through all the fluttering eyelashes.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t be coy, Lainey. We’re adults now, remember. Responsible for our own actions. You were flirting with him.”

  “With Joe? I was not.”

  “You were, Lainey. Are you pleased with yourself? Doing your best to ruin another relationship for me?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Have you been drinking? Taking something?”

  “It’s all right for you, isn’t it? Miss Confident. Miss Successful. Miss Gorgeous. You were flirting with him. You think I didn’t notice? Why? Just to see if you could wreck my happiness again?”

  Lainey blinked. “What the hell is this about? I expected to come home to Melbourne, have a laugh and a drink with my old friend Eva, not be attacked like this.”

  “You don’t remember, do you?”

  “Remember what?”

  Eva went into the kitchen, rage giving her speed, and grabbed the framed photo from the side cupboard. The one of the three of them, her and Lainey and Martin. She thrust it at Lainey. “His name was Martin Conroy, Lainey.”

  Lainey glanced at the photo. “Oh, that’s right, so it was.” She was wary, puzzled. “Do you want me to write his name somewhere. Is that it?”

  “Stop it, Lainey.”

  “You just wanted me to remember him, is that it? Well, yes, I do now. Martin, that fellow you went out with for a little while.”

  “I didn’t just go out with him for a little while, I was in love with him. I had slept with him. For the first time. My first time. Maybe that wasn’t a big deal for you, but it was for me. And I thought he liked me back. Loved me, even. And he did. Until you came along and turned his head. Turned him off me.”

  “Me? Eva, I didn’t do that. I was just being friendly.”

  “You weren’t just being friendly. You flirted with him. It was so easy for you. Talking, laughing, bewitching him.”

  “Stop it! If I was talking to him, being friendly to him, it was because he was your friend. And I do remember now, I remember it all. He was talking about leaving Ireland the whole time I was there. He was always going to leave, he said. He’d tried to talk to you about it as well, he told me.”

  Eva stood like a statue. Unbidden, she remembered Martin raising the subject with her too. Several times. But she’d ignored it each time, or changed the subject.

  Lainey continued. “He was trying to decide whether to go to England or try Australia. He asked me to keep it secret. His parents would go mad, he said. And he didn’t know how to tell you either. He wanted me to do it for him. He even asked me if I would, but I said that it wasn’t up to me to tell you.”

  Eva remembered lots of things from that time. Walking in on the two of them talking and seeing them spring apart, looking guilty. “That’s what you were talking about? All those times I came in and the two of you seemed guilty about something?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t have felt guilty. I had done nothing to be guilty about.”

  “You didn’t try and break us up? You didn’t fancy him yourself?”

  Lainey stared at her. “Of course I didn’t. I’m your friend. He was your boyfriend. Have you gone mad? Why would I have done that?”

  Eva’s temper flared again. “The same reason you put on that display in the restaurant tonight, I suppose. With Joe. Is that what a friend would do?”

  A shadow crossed over Lainey’s face. “Evie, I was cross with you, I’m sorry, I admit it. You came to Melbourne to see me and first thing I know you’re off gallivanting with this fellow. I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to like him. I was testing him a bit, I guess.”

  “Testing him?”

  “To see if he’d flirt back. I guess I wanted to make sure he was good enough for you.”

  “Good enough?”

  “You know what I mean. It’s always been like that with us. I look out for you, you need it. You know that yourself, look how easily Dermot took you in. I just didn’t want it to happen to you again.”

  “This is how you think of me? As some mindless waif? Then let’s just call this friendship off here and now, shall we? Because clearly you think I haven’t a brain in my head.”

  “Of course I know you have a brain. You know I think you’re great. But come on, you’re always the first person to say you don’t know what to do or which way to go. I suppose I just got used to giving you advice.”

  “It may come as a surprise to you, Lainey, but not all of us ordinary mortals have your endless well of self-confidence to draw from. Some of us out here in the real world find life a bit difficult sometimes. We don’t all breeze through it like you seem to.”

  “That’s rubbish, it’s not like that for me. I’ve worked bloody hard for what I’ve got, you know that better than anyone. And anyway, you’re a fine one to talk. You’re not exactly on the scrap heap yourself, you know. You’ve got a great life. Parents who dote on you, who don’t parade you around like a prize poodle like mine do. You’ve just been offered a whole business to run. You can sing, even though you don’t. You’ve got artistic talent.”

  “No, Lainey. I haven’t.”

  Lainey dismissed her. “Yes, you have. I know, I know, you haven’t finished your degree but you will one day
.”

  Eva’s face was a mixture of defiance and misery. “No, I won’t.”

  “What are you talking about? You went to art school for three years, remember? Until Ambrose’s wife died. Remember?”

  “Of course I remember. But I’d made my decision before Sheila died, I just hadn’t told anyone.”

  “What decision?”

  “To leave art school. Before I was kicked out.”

  “What are you talking about, being kicked out? I thought you just postponed your study.”

  “I know that’s what you thought.”

  “But you were going to be kicked out? Why?”

  “Do I really need to spell it out?”

  Lainey stared at her blankly.

  “I wasn’t good enough, Lainey. I wasn’t going to pass. I was just average at art, nothing special.”

  Lainey was taken aback. “But I thought you’d put your studies on hold because you wanted to help Ambrose.”

  “That’s what everyone thought. And I was feeling so ashamed and embarrassed about being a failure as an artist, I didn’t tell anyone the truth.”

  “I don’t get it. You are great at art. I remember those paintings you did of the Hill of Tara that time. They were brilliant.”

  Eva managed to laugh. “Lainey, that was more than fifteen years ago. I was good technically. But I don’t have that extra something. The spark. Whatever it is that separates the ordinary from the excellent. That’s exactly what the head lecturer told me.”

  “That’s just one person. Couldn’t you have got a second opinion?”

  “I got five second opinions. I took my work around to some galleries and each of them backed up what the lecturer had said. I was just average. Nothing special.”

  Eva remembered the week she’d done that, traipsing from gallery to gallery. The last one had been the hardest. That’s when she’d known for sure. After the gallery owner had delivered his verdict, blunt and charmless, she had gone outside and burst into tears. The man’s secretary had followed her out and found her crying. She’d been kind, kinder than anyone else. She’d taken her for a coffee, listened as Eva had poured out her heart. Eva had got the feeling she wasn’t the first failed artist the woman had consoled.

  She took a breath. “I was about to tell my parents and Ambrose and Sheila what I’d decided. That I was leaving art school, was going to rethink my life. And then Sheila died, and poor Ambrose needed help so badly. And because I wasn’t going back to study I could help him. I was really happy to help him, but then it backfired. I got all this credit for something I didn’t deserve.”

  Lainey was trying to take it all in. “Is that why they had that party for you? That one you told me about? At your ma and da’s house?”

  Eva remembered every second of that party. Her parents had held it in their house in Dunshaughlin, a year after Sheila had died. A surprise party. They’d found all of Eva’s paintings and hung them up on the walls. Invited all the family friends. Her sister Cathy had sent a video message. Her father had made a lovely speech. Ambrose had spoken too, saying how grateful he was that Eva had come to work for him full-time, that she had left art school to come and help him out. “One day she will have her own exhibition. Until then, I now declare the Eva Kennedy exhibition open.”

  Eva looked at Lainey now. “What could I say? Thanks, everyone, but in fact all the paintings on these walls are rubbish and I never will have a real exhibition. I just didn’t say anything. I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell the whole truth. And I’ve paid for it ever since. And now this, Ambrose wanting to give me the shop in gratitude for something that I didn’t ever really do. I don’t deserve the shop.”

  “Evie, you do deserve it. You didn’t have to go full-time four years ago. You could have done something else. Anyway, whether you were there wholly and solely because you felt sorry for Ambrose or because you were glad to have something else to do while you licked your wounds about art school, the outcome is the same. You worked in the shop, didn’t you? Side by side with Ambrose. I bet that’s exactly why he’s offering you the shop, because he knows you’d be good at it.”

  There was a long pause as Eva’s revelations settled around them. Then Lainey spoke again. “So what about your singing? With that band? Was that real?”

  “No, that was all dubbed.” Eva managed a wry smile.

  “Yes, of course it was real. I loved the singing. But I couldn’t take time off to sing with the band, not when everyone was praising me so much for helping Ambrose. I felt guilty enough as it was.”

  “Oh Evie, I just wish I’d known all this before now, that you’d told me all of this. Not just about the art school, but about Martin, all of it. I hate the idea that you’ve been angry about all this for years, bottling it all up. What am I going to do with you?”

  Eva’s temper gave one final flash. “Lainey, please, you don’t have to do anything with me. I’m thirty-one. You’re not responsible for me anymore.”

  Lainey gave a sheepish grin. “All right, I won’t boss you. I’m sorry, I know I do it. It’s part of my charm, don’t you think? But I can advise you now and then, can’t I? Push you gently in the right direction? Like good friends do?”

  Eva tried not to smile. “Yes, you can make a suggestion. But you’re not allowed to give me a time limit for when I take it up, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Go on then. What is this suggestion?”

  “I really think you have to tell Joe the truth. If this is serious between you, if you do really like him.”

  “I know. Of course I know. I’ve wanted to tell him the truth since I first met him. I’ve just been waiting for the right moment. But each time something keeps stopping me.”

  “What thing?”

  “Can’t you see? Everything he likes about me is a lie. If I tell him the truth, there’s nothing left of me to like.”

  “Oh, for God’s sake. You and Joe don’t talk about sculpting and your singing the whole time, do you?”

  “No, of course not. Hardly at all any more.” She thought about it. They didn’t. There seemed to be too many other things to talk about.

  “And you weren’t paying him to kiss you today, were you?”

  “No.”

  “And have you…?”

  “Have I what?”

  “You know.”

  “Lainey! It’s none of your business.”

  “Then you haven’t. But you want to, don’t you? And he does too. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

  “Lainey, please! What do you want, tickets to the event?”

  Lainey laughed. “Seriously, Evie. You have to tell him the truth. When does he go back home?”

  “Soon.” She hated the word.

  “And have you talked about what might happen then? When you’re both back home?”

  “No. But I know I want to see him again. I really want to see him again.”

  Lainey gave her a long look. “This isn’t just a holiday romance for you, Evie, is it?”

  Eva shook her head. “No, Lainey, I don’t think it is.”

  The phone rang, making them both jump. Lainey answered. “Yes, she is. No, don’t worry, we were still up. Yes, she’s fine. Hold on.”

  She held out the phone. “Niamh, it’s Joe.”

  CHAPTER 34

  The next day Joseph parked the hire car outside the Richmond apartment. The backseat was covered with everything he’d gathered to bring on their trip to the Great Ocean Road. He had spent an hour that morning in the food hall of a large department store. After loading up the car, he’d returned to his hotel room. He’d glanced at his mobile, lying on the desk, its battery flat. It had gone from being a high-technology communication tool to a useless bit of plastic.

  He still hadn’t rung Kate. He would. Tonight, or tomorrow perhaps. He was still letting all Lewis had told him sift through his mind, letting everything settle into place. He knew Lewis was going to phone her, tell her that the meeting had gone well. Better than
well.

  In the meantime there were other important things he needed to do. Like spend the day with Niamh. And tell her the truth about himself. He still hadn’t managed to do it. He wanted to talk about some other things too, about the way he was feeling about her. And about what might happen when they both went home.

  He got out of the car and looked up at the sky. It was still heavy and gray. He spoke into the entry phone. “It’s Joe.”

  The door buzzed and he went upstairs.

  Up in the flat, Eva turned to her friend. “Lainey, you’re sure you don’t mind me going like this?”

  “I don’t mind at all,” Lainey said, almost truthfully. They were still stepping a little gingerly around each other.

  “Really?”

  “Evie, I know how important this is to you. You don’t have to ask my permission. Remember our new rule?”

  “I know that. But you flew down to see me specially. I’m here to see you.”

  “Evie, honestly. I’m exhausted, I’m probably going to sleep all day anyway. And I get to see you tonight, don’t I?”

  “I’ll be back for dinner, I promise.”

  “Excellent. Listen, could you quickly pass me that phone book there, before Joe gets up here?”

  Eva passed it over. “What are you looking for?”

  Lainey flicked through the pages. “I want to see if I can hire any drug-sniffer dogs. To check Joe out when he brings you home tonight.”

  Eva threw a cushion at her just as they both heard a knock at the door.

  Lainey gave a mischievous smile. “He awaits. Go, my child. Go to this man who calls you.”

  The rain was pelting down by the time Joseph and Eva got to the car. A sharp wind gusted around them. They climbed in and turned to each other. “Joe, we need to talk.”

  “Niamh, I think we need to talk.”

  Eva swallowed. “Could we drive on a bit, do you think?”

  “Of course.” He pulled over just a few minutes away, in a parking area overlooking the River Yarra. The rain was heavy on the roof. He gave her a searching look.

  “Niamh, what happened last night?”