“It’s lovely,” I said.
“I thought you shouldn’t have to wait on anyone anymore,” he said. “Now get to school before you’re both late.” He didn’t like being mushy, but it was obvious I had grown on him over the last months.
“Mund, do you need a ride?” I smiled. A real smile. It felt good even if it was only for a moment.
He laughed. “No thanks, Ash. I’ll follow you there.” He pointed out the window to a new stone-white Jeep. Of course he had to buy himself a flashy vehicle too. I rolled my eyes and walked out to my new car. The leather-covered steering wheel felt good in my hands. I looked around—no sign of Grey. Not that I expected him to come pick me up, but a little bit of me had hoped.
Despite the new car, I couldn’t remember the drive to school. Autopilot took over. I’m not sure what roads I took to get there, but I knew Mund walked into the school with me. My friends saw us and rushed over with the usual list of questions. It seemed no one knew Grey and I had broken up . . . if that was even what had happened.
“Good morning, Ashling,” Ryan said, moving in next to me. I didn’t like his close proximity, but there was a comfort in his presence. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you, but you were gorgeous at the dance.”
My eyebrow involuntarily went up, and I gave him a quizzical look.
“I mean, you’re always beautiful. And you are today too, actually,” he said. “Crap . . .”
“Thank you,” I said, freeing him from his social suicide. “Do you mind walking me to class?”
“Yes. Definitely. Should we wait for Grey?”
“Nope,” I replied.
Ryan didn’t need any other explanation to walk alone with me to class. He fell in step next to me. I knew it was cruel to get his hopes up even the slightest, but I needed his company. And his silly flirtations kept my mind off Grey temporarily. It was a nice escape. Too bad I wasn’t attracted to him.
We stood in the center of the hallway talking, trying to avoid going into our classes as a group of girls walked by and giggled. Ryan was the captain of the football team, which meant girls swooned for him, but Ryan hardly noticed them. He kept his eyes on mine, chatting about this and that . . . I wasn’t really paying any attention. Suddenly he stopped talking and froze midsentence. I turned around to see what had scared him and saw Grey walking down the hall toward us.
He looked so good but so jealous. He was dressed in a pair of ripped black jeans and a faded black T-shirt. His black biker-boots clunked as he walked toward us with a slight chime of the buckle, it almost gave him a Wild West look. I almost expected tumbleweed to blow by. The very sight of him made my pulse quicken. I wanted to run into his arms and smother him in kisses, but instead I focused on keeping my face straight, appearing to be unfazed by his presence. I turned my attention back to Ryan, giving him a radiant smile. It worked; Ryan smiled back.
“See you at lunch, Ryan,” I said loud enough for Grey to hear me as I cut in front of him to walk into class, where we shared a desk. The next hour would be horrible, but at least I knew I was having an effect on him. I took my seat and kept my attention at the front of the room. Ignoring him as he sat down.
“Hi,” he said.
I chose not to reply. Instead I flipped open my book to the page written on the chalkboard. I wanted so much to talk to him, to hear his voice, to touch his hand. Ignore him, I attacked myself. You can’t give in. He broke your heart, remember?
“It’s nice to see you,” he said.
“Oh,” I replied as I pretended to read.
I could feel his pain at my rejection. He pointed his body forward, but his eyes didn’t leave my face. I had just hurt him. And why? Because I could? That was petty, but it felt good too. I wanted him to see how he had hurt me. I wanted to scream at him and shake him and say, Why didn’t you love me like you said you would? I wanted to slap him across the face until he admitted he still loved me back.
But most of all, I wanted him to be happy.
I gave him a weak smile, and a single tear rippled down my face. I quickly wiped it off and went back to pretending I were reading. I didn’t want to hurt him. I just missed him. He returned the half smile, but his heart wasn’t in it. All through class he watched me. I felt as if he were trying to memorize every detail and burn my image in his mind. The bell rang, and I wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but he was already out the door.
School was a numbing blur filled with snippets of Ryan’s presence. Every time Ryan sat by me or walked with me, Grey looked as though he might rip Ryan’s head right off his body for daring to talk to me. It was strange to see Grey so jealous. He was almost a completely different person now. He looked more dangerous than I had remembered him, and yet when he looked at me, the anger melted away, For that brief moment before he forced himself to look away, we were one again. He was myGrey again.
School was finally over, and I found myself sitting in my Mustang with the engine running. Mund had taken off a few minutes ahead of me, expecting me to immediately follow, but I just couldn’t get myself to put it in gear. It was sleeting icy, crappy rain. Just how I felt—cold, painful shards of ice streaming into my life. I could hardly see the school’s outline from where I sat, but I knew everyone had already evacuated the parking lot in a hurry to get home. Mine was the only car left in the empty lot.
I laid my head on the cold steering wheel; I just had to clear my head before I drove home. Just a few minutes to myself. I felt nauseous and I couldn’t think about anything but Grey. I’d successfully pretended I was okay in front of everyone at school, but now I had to go home and put on an even better show for the others. They knew me better; they would see right through me.
My car door swung open, and I jumped halfway into the passenger’s seat. Through the sleet, I could see Grey, soaked to the bone. Icicles had started forming on his wet hair and eyelashes, and dark circles were under his eyes. He looked sick. How long had he been standing outside?
“What are you doing, Ashling? Go home.”
“What am I doing? You’re the one soaking wet. What were you doing? Spying on me?” I demanded.
“Just go home.”
A hand came out of nowhere and yanked Grey away from the door into the icy rain. I couldn’t make out either of them anymore, but they were fighting. I leapt out of the car toward them; every drop of ice felt like a tiny knife on my delicate skin, but I didn’t care. I reached the fight to see Mund and Grey staring at each other.
“Stay away from her—you’re nothing,” Mund yelled.
“Maybe you should do a better job of watching out for her,” Grey said. Mund’s eyes narrowed, and suddenly he swung and punched Grey right in the jaw.
I swung around and dropped to the ground, screaming in pain. My jaw felt broken. I lay on the ground, holding my face as the rain soaked through my clothes. The pain in my jaw was excruciating and debilitating.
They rushed over, but I didn’t care. They could just finish their fight and kill me. I no longer wanted to be a part of this world and all this stupid fighting. I closed my eyes, hoping for the end. Welcoming it.
But it didn’t come.
“You’re killing her,” Mund said.
“How can she feel that?” Grey asked, rubbing his own jaw.
“Stay away from her.”
“How can she feel that?” Grey said again.
But Mund didn’t respond. He scooped me up and carried me away, and Grey did nothing to stop him. Neither did I. Mund laid me in the passenger seat of my car, and I watched Grey disappear into the rain as Mund drove me home. My jaw ached and burned from the pain.
“Once we get home, you’ll need to shift to heal your jaw,” Mund said. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I forgot. I was just so angry.” He kept repeating he was sorry until long after we had gotten home. I knew he was sorry, but it hurt too much to move my jaw to say so.
The whole house was in an uproar about the incident. Asking what I was doing. Was Grey hurting me? Had he stopped
me from coming home? Baran was furious with Mund for leaving me at school and for hitting Grey.
Tegan wrapped her arm around my shoulders while everyone was yelling. Even Gwyn was part of the fight. “What were you thinking?” she said to Mund. “You should never have hit that boy.”
“He’s not a human, he doesn’t deserve our protection,” Mund said.
“All humans need our protection,” Gwyn said.
“You need to heal,” Tegan whispered in my ear.
I didn’t want to heal. The pain almost felt good; it reminded me I could feel. But I didn’t want to see the sad look on Tegan’s face. “Please,” she said. Her hands were shaking, and I could feel her sorrow.
I patted her hand, went up to my room, and shifted into my fury form. The shift tingled through my body as it began repairing. I had to admit, it was good to be back in my true body. It centered my thoughts back to Old Mother.
I wasn’t mad at Mund. I wasn’t even mad at Grey. But I was furious with his father.
I may be a wild animal, but he was a killer.
15
Reasons
Tegan stayed up all night with me. She was still worried. And though I didn’t fully understand why it had hurt in the first place, my face didn’t hurt anymore. She sat on my bed, telling me stories, and I sat in the window, watching my shadow stalker. It was there again—despite the icy rain, it sat, watching me. I wasn’t listening to her. The voice in my head drowned out her voice.
I could feel the depths of Grey’s sorrow, and it weighed down my mind. Making everything around me seem murky. Why couldn’t he see the only way we could heal was together? He had his reasons for not being with me, and I had mine for not telling him the truth about his mother. At least I think I had reasons. As much as I kept telling myself I wasn’t mad, I knew I was. But lying to everyone else worked, so I figured I might as well lie to myself. Unfortunately, it wasn’t working.
I was left here calling out his name, yearning for his love. Missing the soft feeling of his lips on mine. The agony of losing him crushed my heart. Each breath I took felt as though I were drowning in sadness, desperately clawing for the surface, only to suffocate from the poison of fear. I was trapped in anguish. I wanted to close my eyes and give in to the pain. I wished I could let him go, but I didn’t believe I had lost Grey for good. No matter how hard this lie pulled us apart, I was destined for him. He was my love.
“Ashie!” Tegan said. She looked angry; she must have asked me something. I wasn’t being a good friend to her, but I just couldn’t keep my mind straight.
“Sorry,” I said.
“It’s morning.”
I looked out the window at the sunrise. “So it is.”
I sorted through my clothes and put on jeans and a black sweater. I pulled my hair up into a high ponytail, smoothing it to the tail, where it exploded in a puff of red hair. I just wanted to survive the day and not have to think about Grey, but his face was burned into my memory. Without a word, I walked out to my Mustang and drove to school. I knew Mund was surely following me, but I didn’t look. I didn’t need to. He would never make that mistake again.
I didn’t bother walking to my locker, since I knew Ryan would be there. I was in no mood to smile and play nice. I wanted to break something and yell and scream and punch Grey right in his perfect jaw, but that would only hurt me. It was a cruel irony.
I continued down the hall. I felt like a hollow carcass with no will to survive. I walked into my first class of the day. The room was still dark and empty, but I didn’t bother turning on the lights; I welcomed the darkness. I sat in the back of the room, alone. Tegan was wrong, I wouldn’t survive this. Not really. It wouldn’t be me who made it out the other side. I would be someone else, going through the motions of the living.
I was meant to fulfill a prophecy and nothing more. I wasn’t meant to have Grey. I stole him. I knew in the beginning it could never be, but I lied to myself and fell in love. I deserved this pain. In the aftermath of his passion, I was nothing more than ash. I had given all of myself to Grey, and there was no way for him to return it to me.
“Ashling, you’re crying. . . .” Grey said.
I looked up into his big green eyes. Still, even now, I couldn’t hear him coming, I didn’t have any sort of defenses against him. His big, warm hands wiped away my tears, and I melted at his touch. I was helpless to him. An addict. I would do anything just to have him touch me again, love me again.
His face was healed. His jaw should have been broken, but here he was, good as new. It didn’t make sense, but it didn’t matter now. He didn’t want me, and seeing him only ripped my heart open again.
“Don’t cry, love,” he said. “I’m not worth your tears.”
“You don’t know what you’re worth to me,” I said.
He sat down next to me but said nothing. Was this what it was going to be, just him staring at me for the rest of the semester? It was unbearable. Being apart didn’t make any sense. It didn’t have anything to do with us. It was all a lie. I felt crazy inside. I wanted to burst through my skin and disappear into the air, but my earthly body remained. What did he want from me? I had nothing more to give.
What was he doing yesterday in the rain, watching me? It wasn’t like I didn’t know the way home, but he had obviously been watching me. He studied my face now too. He was staring at my lips.
“I’m sorry for everything,” he said.
“I’m not. I love you,” I said.
I bit my lower lip, and his pulse quickened. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. The realization stunned me and warmed my body. I ached for his touch. Impulsively, I captured his lips with mine, and he let me kiss him. His tongue pushed into my mouth as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I was overwhelmed by the emotions running through my veins, but I refused to pull away from the kiss. It was my only chance to get through to him. Our love couldn’t be contained by any mortal power.
“Grey and Ashling sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” someone sang.
But we didn’t stop. We just continued to devour each other. Trying to get a lifetime of passion from one kiss. A lifetime of love in one moment. I could hear whispers and giggles, but I didn’t care. He loved me and his lips were on mine. It felt heavenly.
The lights flickered on. “Mr. Donavan . . . Ms. Boru,” our teacher said, “go to the principal’s office immediately.”
I started to pull away from Grey, but he grabbed the back of my head, pulling me back into the kiss. He refused to let go. He dug his fingernails in my scalp as he grasped to hold on.
“Now,” Mrs. Erickson said. Grey released his grip on me, and his eyes were wild with passion. I could feel his warm breath on my face, and I felt flush.
My breath came out in bursts as I panted to calm down. Every part of me tingled from his touch, and I had lost all ability to think. Grey’s lips were red from the roughness of our kiss. They looked delicious, and I want them back on mine. I had to force myself to look away before my overwhelming need to have him took over my ability to make decisions. I walked quickly out of the classroom with Grey right behind me. I was embarrassed and yet not remotely ashamed.
Once we were safely down the hall, I abruptly stopped, turning toward Grey, who stopped only inches from my face. Our short breaths mingled together as we lost ourselves in each other’s eyes, drowning in our love and sorrows. Our lips were only inches apart. A slight breeze could push us together. Any excuse to touch each other. I could kiss him right now, and I knew he would kiss me back, but I had to know.
“Do you want to be with me?” I asked.
“You know I do.”
“Then be with me,” I said.
“I can’t.”
“Why?” I said.
He sighed. “Because of my mother.”
“She was a wolf,” I said, anger dripping from my voice. I couldn’t stop the words.
He didn’t move for a second; he just stared. But then I felt anger rippling through his body
, and he took a step closer to me. “She was killed by them.”
“She wasn’t killed by one, she was one.”
I didn’t know her story yet, but I felt the truth when the words left my mouth. It was the secret Baran kept hidden. It was the lie Robert told. I could feel the truth in my bones. I had no way to prove it, but it didn’t make it any less true. I shouldn’t have blurted it out at Grey—he deserved better than that—but I wanted to hurt him. And the truth always hurt the most. I wanted it to cut him and make him realize he had trusted a lie. He left me for a lie from a Bloodsucker. He didn’t want to face the truth, but that wasn’t good enough for me.
Even if he never forgave me for it, he deserved to know.
“What do you know about it?”
“A lot more than you,” I said. “Ask your precious father for the truth.”
Grey’s anger consumed his body, and he shook uncontrollably. His hands balled into fists and straightened again. My lower lip quivered as his eyes burned into mine. He grabbed my shoulders, pushing me back into the wall, slamming my body into the tiles. I heard the tile crack from the impact, but it didn’t hurt. He placed one hand against the wall on each side of my head, creating a human cage around me. His breath was ragged and almost animal-like. I was torn between passion and anger. I wanted to kiss his lips that were just about touching mine—and I wanted to slap sense into him.
“How dare you disgrace her memory,” he said.
I shook my head. “No, Grey, you do. When you listen to a lie instead of your heart. You’ve always known the truth, haven’t you?”
He leaned in, eyes narrowed as he closed in around me. I didn’t resist his trap. I wasn’t afraid of him. I lightly caressed the side of his face. “Grey . . .” I whispered. He seized my lips in a passionate kiss. I wanted to be with him, but at what cost? I needed him to face the truth. I turned my face away, breaking our kiss. “I have to go,” I said, and I shoved him away from me.
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