by Sara Daniell
I took off toward the exit, forgetting the bathroom. I couldn’t focus on anything because everything was blurred by tears. I found Jane and saw her mom’s car parked in front of the school. I was so thankful they lived close. I needed to get the hell away from here.
I heard Finn calling my name from behind me. Jane got in the front seat, and I got in the back. I slammed the door and looked at him through the window. I could hear him yelling for me to get out, but I asked Jane’s mom to turn up the radio, so I couldn’t hear him. She blared Reba McEntire, and I turned my head to face the front of the car.
Finn Kerr had broken my heart. He had done what he promised he wouldn’t. He was Channing all over again. Is this why he never tried to have sex or go any further with me? Was he getting it from someone else just like Channing had? Am I not good enough? Am I not worth waiting for?
I was surprised I wasn’t crying harder. Instead, I was numb. Tears fell down my cheeks, but I wasn’t completely losing it like I felt that I should be. Am I just so used to being hurt? This was normal for me, I guess. My life had turned into one big let’s-hurt-Ellie fest.
I laughed coldly. Like clockwork, it was a damn Friday night. The one day of the week when everything went to complete and utter shit.
I WOKE UP AND looked over at Jane sleeping in her bed. I had fallen asleep on the floor. She had insisted that I sleep with her, but she’d also wanted to talk, and I didn’t. I didn’t want to tell her what happened. Not last night. I’d just wanted to sleep and forget about it for as long as I could.
I charged my phone and expected a million texts from Finn, but there wasn’t even one. That shocked me. But what would I say if he had texted me? Probably nothing. I would avoid him. He probably figured as much, so that’s probably the reason he hadn’t texted or called.
I went to the bathroom and took a long shower. When I got out, I got dressed in some of Jane’s clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t get all of the eyeliner and mascara off my eyes, but I was in fuck-it mode, so I didn’t care. I felt like a wreck, might as well look like one.
I went into the kitchen and forced a smile at her mom who was getting out every box of cereal they owned.
“What are you doing, Mrs. Beck?”
She laughed. “Didn’t know what kind you girls would like so I thought what the heck? I’ll get them all out.”
“Why do you own ten boxes of unopened cereal?”
She put her hands on her hips and looked at the boxes. “It’s never a good idea to go shopping when you’re hungry.”
Jane’s mom left the kitchen to go for her morning run. I stared at the cereal. I wasn’t hungry. How could I eat after a night like last night? I felt like I might be sick, so instead of trying to make myself eat, I went and laid on the couch in the living room.
I HAD JUST DOZED off again when I heard my name. I looked up and saw Jane walking in. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, and she held her phone in her hand.
I sat up. “What is it?” I asked in a panic.
“Look!” she yelled, tossing the phone to me.
It was a text from Tryston. It was a photo of him and another girl having sex. I turned off her phone, and my hands started shaking. It was obvious he didn’t send it. The girl did because one of her arms was stretched out to take the photo. I set her phone beside me.
“Remember how I didn’t want to talk about last night?”
She was bawling but nodded.
“Finn was all over some other girl on the dance floor. I have a feeling his night probably ended a lot like Tryston’s.”
My heart ached some more but this time for Jane.
Jane cried harder. I didn’t cry, though. This was my life. It was fucked up, and everyone who came into contact with me seemed to screw up. I was a bad luck charm. It was probably only a matter of time before I lost Jane as a friend too.
Jane sat beside me, and I rubbed her back. I was used to this kind of hurt and disappointment. She wasn’t. I was so angry and hurt for the both of us. School on Monday was going to be hard.
I would have to face Finn.
Without punching him in the face.
SIXTH PERIOD WAS NEXT, and I just wanted to skip it. Jane and I both hid out in our cars during lunch, so we didn’t have to see Finn and Tryston. But I had to go to sixth period. There was no way around it, unless, I wanted to be in trouble with the office.
I walked in and sat down in my seat. I got to class early, so I beat all of the other students. I immediately started on homework, even though I couldn’t concentrate. I could smell the familiar scent of Finn’s cologne as he walked past me.
You know what hurts the most about someone you are so close to hurting you? It’s the fact that that person no longer has a place in your life. You were so close to them, you were so involved and used to seeing them all the time, and then just like that, their gone. But you somehow have to learn to still be around them in passing. Thankfully, summer was just around the corner. But there were still a few weeks left of this torture.
I wanted to yell at him, but I was in class and needed to be civil. I turned the page in my math book when I felt his familiar tap on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and took several calming breaths. I shouldn’t have turned around, but out of habit, I did.
I glared evilly at him.
He looked so hurt, and his eyes had dark circles under them.
“I’ve been a fucking wreck since Friday night, Ellie.”
“Good. You deserve to die and rot in hell with Channing and Katie.”
I went to turn back around, but he grabbed my hand. Tears filled his eyes. It was like Channing all over again.
“I never wanted to hurt you. I went out for a few drinks with Tryston, and it—”
“Mr. Kerr and Ms. Johnson, this isn’t the time or place to work out your teenybopper drama. Save it for later,” the teacher stated firmly.
I stared at Finn until he let go of my hand. I turned back around in my seat and stared at my math book. A solitary tear hit the page. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to, but I’d let Finn explain later. Despite myself I wanted to know. I needed to know what happened. After he finished, I’d have my say, and we’d be officially done.
I WAITED FOR FINN by his truck after school. I didn’t tell him I’d be there, though. When I saw him walking over, I straightened up a bit. He was digging in his backpack for his truck keys. Once he found them, he looked up, saw me, and stopped walking. When the shock wore off, he continued toward me and his truck.
He set his backpack in the back and leaned against the old thing. “Are you going to let me explain, or are you here to yell at me?”
“I don’t have the energy to yell. Just explain. I want to know what happened.” My tone was so bitter and cold.
Finn was hurting. He was on the verge of crying, and I was glad. It made me happy to know he was in pain, just like he caused me.
“Whatever I drank that night was laced with something. I won’t put all the blame on that, because I’m at fault. I should’ve never left to go drink with Tryston and the guys. The other guys we were with brought girls from out-of-town. They thought it’d be funny to lace all of our drinks with ecstasy or something, which I found out Saturday. Ellie, I’d never in a million years ever do anything like I did Friday night if I were in my right mind. I’d never hurt you like that. You’re my best friend, and I’m falling in love with you.” Tears fell down his cheeks.
“Don’t you dare say that to me!”
My own tears started to fall. Hearing him say he was falling in love with me crushed me because I was falling in love with him too. I thought I loved Channing, but I knew that it wasn’t the real forever kind because of the way I felt for Finn. I had never felt like that for anyone. And he’d broken my heart. He could blame it on drugs and alcohol all he wanted to, but that didn’t make it okay or hurt any less.
He cupped my face gently in his hands and cried. “Please, Ellie,” his voice broke, and his thumbs m
oved across my cheeks to wipe the tears. “I can’t lose you,” he whispered through his own tears.
I started bawling. I slapped his hands away from me, screamed, and shook my head. I pointed a shaky finger at him. “You know all I’ve been through, Finn! And you ditched me to go drink with your friends! You did this to us! You should’ve just walked away when you saw those other girls there! You should’ve just been with me! It was our night! How dare you ruin it!”
I couldn’t talk anymore. We were causing a scene. I needed to calm down. I needed to get away from him.
I went to my car, despite Finn begging me not to, and drove home. I called into work. I just didn’t have the energy to go in and fake being happy for the customers. I was so thankful that Dad and Nancy weren’t home. I needed the alone time to just think about my life. I needed to figure out what to do next. I wanted so badly to work out things with Finn instead of letting him go. I wanted so badly to forgive him, but I just didn’t know how. All I knew was getting hurt and saying fuck it. I didn’t want to deal with it or make it work out of fear that everything would just blow up in my face all over again. I was burnt out on disappointment.
I LOOKED AT JANE. We both had tubs of ice cream in our laps. I had rocky road, and she had plain ol’ vanilla. As cliché as it was for two heartbroken girls to be drowning their sorrows in ice cream and cute boys on TV, it worked. It made things hurt a little less.
“Are you going to forgive Tryston?” I asked her.
She laughed. “Hell no! I decided that I don’t need a boyfriend right now. I need to go to college and meet new guys. Older ones.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me.
I laughed. “That does sound like fun.”
“You don’t sound convinced.” She shoved another spoonful of ice cream in her mouth.
“I love him, Jane.”
“But you loved Channing too, and you got over him.”
I set my ice cream beside me, leaned back against my pillows, and huffed.
“Yeah, but after falling for Finn, I realized that what Channing and I had wasn’t as real as things are with Finn. I cared for Channing, a lot, but this is completely different. Losing Finn isn’t just losing a boyfriend; I’m also losing a best friend. What I feel for Finn, I feel deep in my bones. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. This is killing me.”
“Then give him a chance to explain without all of the crying and begging. Just have a real conversation with him about it. I know it’s killing him not to talk to you.”
I thought about it and shrugged. “I don’t know. And are you sure you don’t want to work on things with Tryston?”
“Positive! I’m actually excited about meeting new people. Things got so intense and so fast between us that I didn’t really think. I just dove right in. I like the freedom now that I have the room to breathe.”
We didn’t say anything else. We watched The Breakfast Club, and Jane ended up falling asleep before it was over. I thought about texting Finn, but I kept talking myself out of it.
I turned off the TV and cleaned up Jane’s and my mess. I climbed into bed and stared at the ceiling. I wasn’t sure of much right now, or if I’d ever talk to Finn again, but I was more than sure that I refused to let people stomp all over my heart anymore.
PASSING IN THE HALLS and strategically avoiding staring at him—check.
Busying myself so I don’t think about him every second—semi-check.
Waiting to exit the school until I know for sure that he’s left the student parking lot—check.
Not missing him—impossible.
The distance and two weeks of not talking at all were destroying me. I hated how this was affecting me. When Channing betrayed our relationship, I was done. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him anymore. But this time I questioned how I even cared about Finn anymore. He’d hurt me! He was Channing all over again, and yet I played with the idea of forgiving him. I’d even agreed to talk to him tonight after he reached out to me through Jane about an hour ago.
Maybe he was going to officially part ways, and he was going to tell me he’d moved on and that he was okay. What if I meet him tonight with every intention of forgiving him and trying to make it work because during the past two weeks I realized he meant more to me than his one mistake, but now he was over me? The rejection would kill me when it shouldn’t. I should hate him.
I started to get into my car and leave because I just couldn’t handle the possibilities of how this night could end. I was just about to shut my door when I heard his truck pull in behind me. I saw him getting out in my rearview mirror. Even if I wanted to leave now, I couldn’t. Finn had me blocked in. If I went straight, I’d be in the river.
I stared at my steering wheel. My car door opened, and I turned to look at Finn.
“Trying to ditch me?” he teased.
My hands were shaking. I shook my head and sat on my hands, so he wouldn’t notice.
“If you’re not ready to talk, I understand. If you want me to leave, I will.”
I shook my head again. “No. I’m—”
“Nervous?”
I nodded.
He smiled a little. “Me too, Ellie. But we have to talk.” He held out his hand, and I took it. He helped me out of my car, and we climbed onto the hood of his truck.
I needed to cry on Finn’s shoulder. I needed him so badly because I was hurting. Before we were a couple, we were friends. I needed to be able to go back in time and just be his friend again. What do I do when he’s the one who hurt me, but at the same time I need him? Is this what love is?
Putting what he did aside, I scooted close to him and buried my face against his neck. When his arm wrapped protectively around me, I lost it. I cried for what felt like hours.
The past few weeks had been hell. Losing him, my dad and Nancy telling me how worthless I was, my grandpa getting worse, mourning the loss of Dillon, my brother not giving a shit, my mom not giving a damn about anyone but herself, and Channing invading my life—it was all too much.
When I ran out of tears, I stayed snuggled close to Finn. I stared at the water. I didn’t know what to say to him.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said, breaking the silence.
No, you don’t. Make me believe you do. Change my mind.
“Having you in my arms right now, Ellie. Dammit, I feel like I’m the luckiest guy in the entire universe. Even if you’ve made up your mind, and this is it for us, I’ll never want to let go. I know I’ll never be able to. I hate myself for what I did. I wasn’t thinking.”
I hate you for what you did. But I don’t want to hate you. Why do I not want to hate you? I love you. Why do I love you?
“As far as I got with the girl you saw me dancing with was making out. I’m not gonna lie or sugar coat things with you because I refuse to mislead you. I was an idiot. I thought drinking would be fun with the guys, and I planned on coming right back to you. I didn’t know my drink was laced. I acted so unlike myself; I don’t even know who I was that night.”
I closed my eyes. I didn’t know if I wanted to hear anymore. And as angry as I was with him, I never wanted him to let go of me.
“I don’t expect you to ever trust me again. You’ve been through so much, and the one person you trusted not to hurt you did. There’s never anything I could say or do to fix this.”
I cleared my throat. It was so scratchy from all of my crying. I looked at him.
“I don’t know what to do, Finn. I’m so confused.”
He looked so relieved that I’d actually spoken.
“I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can’t. I would hate me too.”
“What do you honest-to-God want?”
“As in what?”
I shrugged. “Us? Life? Anything…”
He moved his arm from around me and held my hand. He rubbed my fingers with his thumb and furrowed his eyebrows while he thought. “No one’s asked me that before.”
“Well, now someone is.”
“I want to pass school and graduate, which I’m not sure will happen. I want to own my own welding shop after I get my certification at a good community college. I want to live life with no regrets. Just live, ya’ know?”
I nodded. “Me too. And do you see me in those plans at all? Honest-to-God, Finn. No lying.”
He looked at me seriously. “In every single one of them, Ellie. Honest-to-God.”
A tear trickled down my cheek, but it was a happy one. A relieved one. An I’m-so-damn-in-love-with-Finn-Kerr-it-ain’t-even-funny one.
My eyes fell to his lips. “I forgive you,” I whispered.
“Does that mean we’re okay?”
“We’ll get back to okay eventually. But right now, I just want right now. I want the broken, the happy, and all of the in-between with you.” I smiled.
“I want that too.” He smiled back.
I leaned over, tilted my head up a little, and kissed him. He smelled like metal and oil, and it was becoming one of my favorite smells in the entire universe. Finn’s kisses never got old. The pressure of his lips against mine and the familiar perfection every time our lips met was way better than rocky road ice cream and watching The Breakfast Club.
LIFE WAS LOOKING BETTER, because Finn was back in it. Summer was just around the corner, and we couldn’t wait. Only two days left. We had plans to have countless bonfires, become beach bums at the lake, and maybe even take a day trip to somewhere. We were excited not to have the stress of assignments from school. This was the summer before our senior year. We were going to make it count, dammit.
Tryston and Jane had decided to be friends and were already seeing other people. Well, Jane was seeing a lot of other people, while Tryston was hot and heavy for some out-of-town chick none of us had met. I thought he was lying just to act like he didn’t miss Jane, but Finn was convinced, since Tryston was rarely around.
