by Regan Black
“Trina. How old did you say your child is?”
Her eyes widened, and she moved her upper body back, away from him. But she didn’t break eye contact. In that moment, he knew.
“I didn’t. He—he’s five.”
“Five. Years. Old.” Rob let the words hang there as he struggled with the denial exploding inside him, the pure angst that he might have missed the most important thing that ever happened to him.
Trina knew he knew. He saw the regret, the sorrow, the truth in her eyes.
“Yes. He’s five, and his name is Jake. Justin ‘Jake’ Berger Lopez. I call him Jake because, because it’s easier.”
Her proclamation was a hand grenade to his gut. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything but stare at Trina. She was his only anchor to the present.
“Rob, I know this is a shock, and trust me, I understand.” She let a nervous laugh bubble out, filling the front seat. “How do you think I felt when I saw you walking out of that storage building? And I had my weapon trained on you. God, I could have blown you away, if I’d thought you were Vasin.”
“He’s mine, your kid.”
“No, he was fathered by one of the next half dozen men I slept with after you died. I only named him after you for the hell of it.” She pulled a face of pure disgust. “Of course he’s yours. He looks just like you. Except he has my gray eyes.” Her face reflected a mother’s satisfaction. “You saw us, saw him, when you found me in Norfolk. And as I said, my brother was there, helping me out. He’d come over for dinner a lot of nights when he wasn’t studying for law school. I was on shore duty, biding my time until I served out my time and could resign. All I wanted was for Jake to be safe and for me to have a normal nine-to-five job so that he’d grow up protected and in a happy environment. It made sense to come back to central Pennsylvania. You had no family, as far as I knew, and since we’d never been officially married, there was no way I could seek financial support from the Navy for your son.” She stopped, and he felt her hand on his arm, her slight squeeze.
He looked at her hand, then up at her. A man could dive into her eyes and never come out. “I’m so, so sorry, Rob. If I’d known…”
“If you’d known what? You’d have taken me back, started up where we left off? I was a broken man, Trina. It took me almost two years to come back from my injuries.” Physically. His mental and emotional healing had yet to be finished, if it ever would. “And you knew that not one, but two fathers had failed me, miserably so. The second one was my foster dad, so that was pure circumstance. But my biological father was a drug addict who never was able to get sober. What kind of example is that? Worse, what if it’s in my DNA to be a lousy parent?”
Trina remained silent, but her eyes shone with compassion and regret. She had regrets?
Elation, joy, anger, anguish. The emotional cocktail hit him without warning, making speech impossible. He wanted to run around shouting that he had a son! He was a father! But he’d missed the boy’s first five years. Five. Years. Did his son wonder about him? Did he know he existed? Pain worse than any broken rib squeezed the air out of his lungs. If his son had suffered at all due to his absence, he wouldn’t be able to live with his decision to not walk across that street three and a half years ago.
He and Trina had just reunited, started to tiptoe around their emotions. And now he had to accept that he’d missed the first five years of his child’s life. He hated being at the mercy of fate, but to realize his own actions may have caused more harm than good was devastating. But he couldn’t change the past, no matter how much it hurt. Today was what mattered.
* * *
Trina hated that Rob hurt so much. If she could play the last five years back and have him know Jake from the time he’d been in her womb, she would. Even as she thought about it, though, she knew that wasn’t entirely true. Rob was right. They’d been very different people back then.
“Rob, this isn’t how I imagined telling you that you have a son. ” And she had imagined it countless times. Hoped for this exact situation, that he’d somehow come back to her, the KIA report a mistake.
“You never pictured it. You thought I was dead.”
“Stop blaming yourself for this. It is what it is. You said yourself that you weren’t over what you’d been through. That you’re still faced with the hell you survived.”
He shook his head, the rest of his body still as he looked out the windshield. She shifted to face forward, giving him at least the illusion of space from her, from her desire for him to let it all go. Nothing in this was simple or black-and-white, and it had all started with the first day they’d worked together in the Navy, on the preparation meeting that led up to the fateful mission that had torn them apart.
“I have a son.” He was saying aloud what his heart wanted to believe but his mind couldn’t yet wrap around. This, Trina understood. She’d had the opposite problem in that her heart had refused to believe Rob, then Justin, was dead, that he’d miraculously appear and be thrilled they’d made a baby during their brief but intense affair. Her mind told her otherwise, as had the headstone in Arlington National Cemetery.
“I still can’t believe that I laid flowers at your grave.”
“You never sought any kind of compensation for our son, you said?”
“How could I? You and I were only—” she waved her hand “—what, lovers? Boyfriend and girlfriend? You know how the military works. If you’re not a dependent, if you’re not marked down on page two of the member’s service record, you don’t exist.”
“You could have searched for my family. My brother.” He’d told her about him, where he lived.
“I’ve already told you why I didn’t.” She watched as a herd of deer appeared to the right of the vehicle. A huge stag with a full rack of antlers stood amid several does, and she spotted a fawn.
“It’s not fair of me to ask you about any of it, Trina. I wasn’t there for you. And not for our son, either.”
“You didn’t know you had a son. And who knows? If you’d shown up as soon as you could have, it might have been a disaster. I was so protective of Jake, and you say you were really messed up. I’m not sure I would have been the partner you needed at that point.”
“You’d have been perfect.”
“Um, no. I swear I called my mom twenty times a day when I didn’t demand she be right there with me.”
“What’s he like?” Rob spoke as if in a trance.
“He’s the most enthusiastic person I’ve ever met. I mean, that boy gets excited about going for a walk in the woods as much as he does about Santa Claus. He’s also very bright, scarily so.” She laughed at a memory. “When he was in preschool, his teacher asked the kids to draw a picture of a triangle. Jake drew what looked like a scribble. I could see a tiny triangle in the middle of it, but the teachers were looking for just a triangle on the page. It was so him. He probably drew the triangle and then improvised until they had to turn it in.”
“I don’t think I knew what a circle was, much less a triangle, when I was in preschool.”
“I know, same here. And I told the teacher as much.” At least Rob was perking up, coming back from the dark place his thoughts must have taken him. That she understood, too. The years of wondering how he’d died, if he’d suffered in the blast or slowly died before help could reach him, if the enemy had captured him. Finally she knew most of it, and all she cared about was that he was alive.
“Rob, this is too soon, too much, for both of us. But you have to know that I’m glad you’re here. And I know Jake is going to be happy to meet you.”
“He can never meet me, Trina. He’ll think it’s his fault I didn’t show up until now. That’s how kids’ minds work. I know he’s not in the same situation I was in as a foster kid, but he’s been without a father. And you said he’s smart—he’ll put two and two together. What have you told him about me?”<
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“I told him his dad was a brave man who gave the ultimate sacrifice for his country.”
“More like a coward who couldn’t walk across the damn street. Let’s face it—I didn’t have a father, so how can I be one?”
She let his words lie. She couldn’t take him through the mental and emotional processes he needed to travel to fully absorb what he’d discovered today. That he was a father.
“That was then, Rob. This is now. We’re both different people. As odd as it felt to call you by a different name, other than your core self, I don’t see you as Justin any longer. You’re still you, I feel that, but…”
“This is the crux of it, Trina. Can you live with who I’ve become? More importantly, will Jake accept me as his father? Hell, I don’t even know if it’s safe to tell him about me. I don’t want to screw him up for life. And my work, it could bring some really bad guys to our doorstep.”
Trina had gone over the same thoughts, the same mental path. She had so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to share with him about Jake, his son.
Had she fully accepted that he was here, alive?
“When I saw you yesterday, standing there with your pistol on me, I couldn’t have defended myself if I’d wanted to. It was like you’d dropped out of the sky.”
She offered a smile. “Maybe we’re overanalyzing this. It’s the twenty-first century and we’re used to instant communications, knowing everything in real time. During past wars, take the Civil War or World War II, family members went for years not knowing anything about what was going on with one another. Lots of cases of sailors or soldiers gone missing occurred, and those folks picked up and kept going. It was a mere blip in their life. They focused on the positive.”
“I get where you’re going with this, Trina, and forgive me but I just can’t handle your positive affirmation baloney right now.”
Like a physical slap, his words stopped her cold. This side of Rob was what she’d written off as the warrior part of his SEAL personality. It was what all military folks understood—the mission had to be the top priority. And it had never reared its head between them like this before. Of course, they’d never gone on an op together as parents to the same child.
Trina retreated inside herself, forcing all the acidic comebacks aside. They’d only spent two days together. After five years apart, what did any of this really mean?
CHAPTER 7
Trina’s insides shook, but this wasn’t the place to tell Rob the thoughts running through her mind. Worse, she couldn’t begin to describe what his harsh words had unleashed—memories of her time with him, knowing she’d seen the best in him while also dealing with his most primitive side. As he had hers. They’d been in battle where all rules boiled down to one: complete the mission.
She shot a quick look at him, and he was as still as a statue, his chest’s exaggerated movement the only indication he wasn’t carved from the limestone that lay under the forest floor. He was in battle mode, all right. As was she.
“You know, I’ve imagined how I’d find you again, let you know I was alive, a thousand times. It was going to be a shock no matter how it went down, but I never wanted you to suffer one minute more, Trina. Now I can see in your eyes, your tears, that you’ve suffered as much as I have. More—you didn’t know I was alive. At least I had the knowledge that you were still walking around, that I could reach out if I chose to. I can’t see a way that you’ll ever be able to forgive me, but I promise I won’t make anything harder for you than it has to be.”
“It’s too much, too fast, Rob. We’re both only human, even though we both seem to still like to participate in extraordinary professions.” She reached over and rubbed his shoulder, as much for his comfort as for her reassurance that he wasn’t a mirage. An apparition her mind had conjured.
He turned to her, and the air in the car went from muggy due to the humidity to sultry as their attraction hit another flash point. Rob’s nostrils flared and his mouth lifted in a lopsided grin. “Chemistry hasn’t left, has it?”
“No.” Her reply was a whisper, adding to the sexy ambience. A giggle erupted. “We’re both maxed out on adrenaline, waiting for the order to come, and oh, by the way, you’ve come back from the dead and found out you have a son. And we’re looking at each other like this.”
“Let’s stop the watching and get to the good stuff, baby cakes.” Heat flared in her center at his use of her nickname, and she leaned in, eager to meet his lips. It wouldn’t be a kiss that sneaked up on them like the one at the hotel, in the cramped bathroom. It would be like the heat they’d enjoyed in the desert together: sizzling and a good place to escape to as a reminder they were both human amid what could become a hellhole in a blink.
“That’s it. Come here, babe.” His lips curved and his breath led her the rest of the way.
A sharp rap rap rap hit the driver’s-side window, and Trina cried out in surprise.
“Son of a—” Rob didn’t finish and his hand went to his weapon as he looked out the glass at the intruder. Trina quickly scanned the area around the SUV.
“All clear around us. I don’t see another vehicle.” She spoke quietly, for Rob’s ears only as he dealt with the uniformed man standing outside.
“Officer.” Rob had rolled down the window, and Trina saw a man in what looked like a police uniform but that wasn’t quite right. She let out a sigh of relief. They’d run into the local constable, for heaven’s sake. And she knew him. He hadn’t recognized her yet, though.
“I’m Constable Weeks. Can I ask you folks what you’re doing in my neck of the woods, parked like you’re hiding from the law?”
Trina wanted to sneer at the man; she’d had her fair share of run-ins with constables. By Pennsylvania law they were community civilian law enforcement positions that were often held by military veterans or former LEA. And they did a good job for the state, helping to keep things in line when the local police departments were stretched thin or in fact nonexistent.
“US Marshal Lopez, Constable Weeks.” She held up her badge and credentials, and the man peered past Rob to her.
“That you, Ms. Trina? Well, why didn’t you say so?” He spat on the ground, the juice of his chewing tobacco dribbling on his chin. Just as she’d remembered.
“Yes, it is, Constable Weeks. This is my colleague Rob. He’s going through some training, and I wanted to familiarize him with the area.”
“No one told me there was going to be any kind of military training up here today.”
Trina gritted her teeth. “It’s ad hoc training, Buddy.” She used his first name and her friendliest tone. She’d had to deal with him when she’d come up to get Vasin yesterday, running into Constable Buddy Weeks at the local diner when she’d stopped to use the restroom.
“Anything I can help with, Ms. Lopez?”
“No, no threat to the peace here, Buddy. We’ll be out of here shortly.”
Buddy wasn’t convinced. “I’ve got my truck up on the highway. We could run through some drills if you’d like.”
Crap, crap, slap-your-momma crap. That was all they needed, a huge honking constables vehicle sitting on the main road in this area. She’d been careful, as had Rob, obviously, to keep them off the main highways, but it wasn’t a guarantee that Vasin’s men and even Ivanov weren’t going to pass through. And she wasn’t convinced that Buddy wasn’t somehow complicit in the activities that went on in “his” forest, as he’d put it.
“Thanks, Buddy, I’ll keep that in mind for our next exercise. If you don’t mind, Rob and I need to get on with it.”
“Okay. Just trying to be helpful.” Buddy slapped the steel frame right next to Rob’s door. She saw the tic in Rob’s temple moving like a dogwood in a rainstorm and stifled a chuckle.
“Thank you, sir.” Rob nodded, playing the eager US Marshal intern to a T.
As soon as the wi
ndows were up, Rob started the engine and put the AC on full blast. “You and Buddy go way back?”
“It’s an odd thing, the constable deal in Pennsylvania, but it’s all part of the civic system here. They’re elected for six years, and for the most part I haven’t had any issues with them. Buddy, however, he’s just a weird dude.”
“That’s comforting. His last name isn’t Russian, is it?”
“Weeks? No. It’s okay, Rob. We can drive up a little farther and hunker down until we get the okay to move in.”
“I do not want to see the likes of that man for the rest of our time on this mountain.”
“He’s out of our hair for now. Buddy needs to feel he’s part of the solution, is all. Even when there isn’t a problem.”
Her phone ringtone cut in, and Corey’s voice echoed around them; the SUV had synced to her phone when she’d rented it, not Rob’s.
“Trina, you were supposed to be back already. I understand from Claudia Michele that you’ve decided to spend some extra time in the Poconos?”
“I’m sorry about that, Corey. Yes. I’m here with Rob, who also works for Claudia, as you know.” Trina shook her head. How the hell was it that she was working with Rob like this but had no idea who he worked for?
“You can’t do this, Trina. Not as a marshal.”
Panic threatened as she envisioned Rob going into the compound on his own. “That’s why I requested leave. I’m off the clock. Corey, you told me yourself, there’s a group of young women, girls, underage, waiting to be shipped down to our area. Most of them are headed for Bill’s Broads out on the Pike.” She referred to the strip joint that had opened in Silver Valley and, much to the chagrin of the locals, raked in the bucks. It had gotten its business license in a sleight of hand that the Silver Valley City Council was ferociously trying to rescind. No one was shocked by a strip club but they didn’t want any kind of bar or club that had rumors of drug dealing or human trafficking. And there had been both with Bill’s Broads but nothing enough to make arrests.
