by Brenda Ford
“I will be in touch,” I promise through the weeping. “This isn’t the last time you will see me.”
But as Brad clings to my hand, almost as if he can’t bear to let me go, it does feel oddly like it might be. I suppose in a way, it could be because if I do decide that this is all too much more me, I will have to leave my job and work somewhere where I don’t have to face him anymore… but I don’t want to think too deeply in to that right now. I don’t want to plan out my future until I know which way it will go.
I lean down and kiss Brad once more. He holds my cheeks and keeps me there for a few moments, my mouth on his, reminding me of all the crazy wonderful things that we have been through. The sexual chemistry when Angelo pushed us together. Our first kiss, the first time we slept together, our first date…
I don’t want to walk away from all of that. It’s damn near impossible, but it’s the wisest thing right now. I’m pretty sure that it will be good for both of us. We need this.
“I love you,” he says sadly while slowly releasing me. “I’m sorry that all of this happened.”
“Me too.” I hold his hand, the electricity zipping through me as I do. “Me too.”
Then it’s time for me to take a step back and walk away from him. I feel a part of myself tear away as I do. It’s like I’m literally being shredded in half. I wonder if I will ever be able to put myself back together again.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Brad
I pace up and down the house, unable to sit still even though each step is a little uncomfortable. I wouldn’t say painful as much, more just not like it normally is. The scars left behind on my body from Maria remain even if they are only on the inside. That bitch has done what she needs to, so she won’t be forgotten.
“Will you just sit down,” Nelson groans. “I’m trying to watch the game and you keep walking in front of the TV. It’s driving me mad. Now I don’t even know what team is winning.”
“Since when do you give a shit about basketball?” I growl, taking my anger out on him.
“What do you care?” He rolls his eyes. “I just want to watch the game, alright?”
I groan, but don’t say anything more. I don’t really want to get in to an argument with Nelson. Or any of my brothers really. They have all rallied around me, remaining by my side even though I’m not in the hospital anymore, trying to support me through this difficult time, but that doesn’t make me any less of a mess.
I don’t know where Tami is, I have no idea what she is thinking, whether she wants to be with me or not, and it’s destroying me. I know that she needs time and space, but every second without her is killer. My body is falling apart. I don’t know how the hell I am supposed to survive without her any longer. And what if she decides that being apart is better? What will I do then? There isn’t even a scrap of hope for me.
“Shall I go in to the office then?” I wonder aloud, needing to escape. “Then I won’t be in anyone’s way.”
“You aren’t allowed to work,” Angelo calls from the other room. “You have to rest still.”
“I’m not resting though, am I? I’m restless. I can’t sit still. I might as well be productive.”
“No way. Don’t be stupid. You need to be at home. You need to be with us.” He comes in to the room and hands me a glass of juice. “We are all here for you. Don’t worry about anything else.”
I want to scream with frustration. I can’t just be here with nothing to do, my brain ticking over. I am driving myself mad. Angelo knows me best; he must know that this is killing me. I glare at him, pouring all of my hate in to him for the time being. He doesn’t react in any way at all. He simply turns away and sits next to Nelson.
“We need to do something,” Alex jumps in, looking to Oliver for reassurance. Wesley too. “Something to celebrate. Brad has been through a shitty time recently. We should do something to lift his spirits.”
“I don’t want anyone to do anything. I just want to go back to work,” I shoot back. “My spirits are fine.”
“We could have like a barbeque or something,” Alex carries on as if he can’t hear me. “Remember when our parents used to do that? I mean, I can’t really remember because I was too young. But I have seen them at lots of pictures at barbeques with their friends. In that back yard there. It could be… a good way to honor them.”
I want to roll my eyes again in frustration, but a thick ball of emotion lodges in the back of my throat. I am old enough to remember those barbeques and even though I was a sulky teenager at a lot of them, wishing that I could have been with my friends rather than stuck with my family, now I look back on them fondly. The days were always sunny, the atmosphere a good one. I don’t often take the time to miss my parents because it hurts too much but now, I can’t help it. I really damn well wish that they were still around.
“It could be fun,” Oliver offers. “All of us getting together. Good food, some drinks, relax…”
“Yes!” Alex loves this. He is about to run away with this idea so much that I can’t do anything but let it happen. Just because there is a barbeque, doesn’t mean that I have to be a part of it. “Yes, then we can invite all of our friends and just have a good time. I think that we all need to have a relaxing time.”
“I don’t need to relax,” I cry out angrily, just needing someone to hear me. “I just need to get back to my life.”
I grab my cell phone and stare at the screen, moaning as there is still nothing there. I keep waiting and wishing that I would just hear from Tami already, so I don’t have to feel so lost anymore, but I guess that won’t happen.
“Brad, you need time. You need a space in between what’s happened and moving on.”
“I’m not getting anywhere with you right now. I’m done. I don’t want any of this.”
“Brad, you will enjoy it.” Again, Alex just refuses to hear what I’m saying. Even though I knew this was going to happen, hearing it is so much harder. “You will enjoy yourself once the party starts. I know that you don’t like the idea now, but you’ll thank me once it’s happening. You will, trust me.”
I snort with derision but give up the arguing any longer. Let him plan his stupid barbeque. Let him carry on doing whatever he wants. If it makes him feel better and more useful then so be it.
I stare at my phone some more, willing every fucking God there is out there to get her to just send a message. Even if Tami were to just tell me that she is still thinking, then I would take it. It would be a thin thread, gossamer thin, but still… to go on. Something to know that I am still in her mind.
I scroll down to her name, almost as an automatic reaction, and stare at it for a while. My brothers continue to discuss the barbeque that I don’t want around me, so I tune it out and just look at her name. The love that I feel for her pours through me, it’s so full, so intense, that I can’t push it away.
I can’t let her walk away, I suddenly decide fiercely. I need her too much for that.
Without even realizing what I’m doing, I push the phone to my ear and listen to the ringing sound. It’s such a thrilling little noise that my whole body races and throbs like crazy. I can almost hear her voice in my ear already and it thrills me. It’s the only sound in the world that will make me feel better.
“What are you doing?” Wesley yells while knocking the phone out of my hand. “Are you calling her?”
“I was just…” My phone screen flickers black as Wesley’s actions have turned my phone off. “I just want to speak to her, that’s all. I want to know what’s going on with her right now.”
“She has asked for space. She has asked for time. You need to give her that.”
“I know, but… but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to talk to her.”
I know how pathetic I sound, I can hear it, but I can’t stop myself either. She’s my personal drug, I need to hit, it’s absolutely killing me. This withdrawal is ridiculous, I can barely handle it.
“Brad, this is nuts. You have to
stop this,” Wesley says quietly. “I understand how fucked up this is for you, but that doesn’t make it right to not respect her wishes. She needs this time and space. You do too.”
“But what am I supposed to do? How should I get through this time?”
“We are all here for you. That’s what you need to remember. You are not alone. We will never let you be alone. So, whatever shit you are going through, we are all in it.”
I smile thinly, really appreciating what he is saying to me. I know that I am not alone, I know that I have my family, but I feel all lost and misunderstood. Like I’m the only one who has been through this.
“Thank you everyone.” I smile at them all. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“You won’t ever have to worry about that. We are always going to be here. Just like you have always been for us. You have finally decided to let us help you and we won’t let you down.”
I soak that in, counting my blessings. I can’t forget that however shitty things are, it could always be worse.
“So,” Wesley continues. “Are you going to help us plan this damn barbeque or not? Because you know that Alex won’t let it go until we go through with it. You can’t beat him so you might as well join him.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I laugh a mirthless sound. “Let’s do it then. Let’s plan this damn barbeque.”
The ceiling in my bedroom isn’t too different to the ceiling at the hospital. Aside from the strip lights and the noise surrounding me as I stare at it. But my thoughts are very similar here as they were there. It’s all about Tami. She is the only person that I really care about. I want her back here with me, I need her. I’m not myself without her. There is a big bit of me missing. She has it with her, and she hasn’t given it back yet. If we don’t end up back together, I guess that is a part of me that she will always have to keep. I won’t ever get it back.
I wish that she was in my arms, kissing me, loving me, holding me and reassuring me that she loves me. I wish that she could be here planning a future with me. Talking about how we’re going to move passed this horrible event, how we will move in together, either here or in an apartment of our own, how we will get married and have kids… I want a family of my own, someone else to take care of, a baby to pour my love in to. That’s something I only want with Tami as well. I couldn’t even begin to picture that with anyone else. I don’t want to either. I don’t know if that is anything I will ever want as well. Only her, only us.
I’m going to have to buck up a little though. Just enough for this barbeque. Alex is so damn excited about it, the more the planning went on the more he grew thrilled about it. I don’t think I can just pretend that it isn’t happening because he wants me there, he wants to do this for me. Our parents as well. He is so keen to honor their memory. I won’t be able to enjoy it because Tami won’t be there, but I will have to try. For my family.
“You can do this,” I tell myself quietly. “You can get through this. It’ll be fine.”
But I don’t know if that’s the truth. I don’t know if I can hold it together for everyone else. I guess I just have to hope that Tami contacts me before then and I at least know what is going on with us. This limbo is much worse than anything else. Even the bad news will be something to work with. More than nothing.
“Just wait. Just keep going. Just remain strong. She will be in touch eventually. She will.”
She promised, and I can’t imagine Tami being someone to ever break a promise. Especially to someone she loves. And she does love me, she has proven it. It’s just a case that love might not be enough.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Tami
“I think that might be enough wine for you,” Ruby insists as I try to get my vision together enough to tip the bottle in to my glass. “I don’t really want to spend the night holding your hair back as you puke.”
“You shouldn’t…” I hiccup loudly. “You shouldn’t stay here with me tonight. You need to get back to your fiancé. He must hate me for taking up so much of your time. It isn’t right. I am fine, you know.”
“Look, you are just fine, you don’t need to be worried about that. I’m concerned for you.”
“I was too scared to stay here alone when I was sober, but I’m drunk now. I will crash out…” More hiccupping. “Oh, and Maria is locked away, isn’t she? She can’t get to me anymore. I’m good.”
Ruby gives me a strange look as I laugh. I suppose it isn’t really funny, but with so much wine floating through my system, it’s hard to judge. I haven’t really got a clue what’s going on anymore. But the laughter is better than the soul crushing sadness that I am usually experiencing. Being without Brad is killing me.
“You aren’t good though, are you?” Ruby checks in on me. “Not really.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t really know how I feel anymore. I’m just fucked up.”
“Because of Brad and this separation that you have insisted on. The one that I think is madness.”
“I know you do, Ruby.” I try to sip my wine, but there isn’t anything left. “But it’s the smart thing to do, isn’t it? We need to have some time apart. To work out how to be together. If we’re going to be together.”
“Are you?” Ruby asks with shock in her voice. “I thought that you were done.”
“I don’t know, I don’t want to be. It’s just too much, isn’t it? With the exes and stuff.”
“No, just one ex,” Ruby reminds me. “I’m sure they can’t all be crazy.”
“He said they might be though. I mean, what is he even doing to make them so crazy?” I wave my glass around, using my arms to do a lot of the communicating for me. “Will that end up being me?”
“I don’t think so. He didn’t love them, did he? But he loves you. He has told you enough times.”
“He loves me,” I echo. “He loves me, and I love him. I haven’t ever loved anyone like this.”
“Exactly, so why don’t you just stop all of this silliness and be with him already? I know that you are scared, but that doesn’t mean you should walk away. People face fear all the time and get great things from it. Facing fears can lead to some seriously great things. You should give it a try, Tami.”
I narrow my eyes at her, the alcohol in my system giving me a strange sense of paranoia. “Why do you want me to be with him so bad, huh?” I demand. “Because you want to go back home? Because like I already told you, Ruby, I’m good. I don’t need to be baby sat. I’m all good by myself.”
“Oh, for goodness sake. Right, let’s get you to sleep, you drunken idiot.”
I’m just about to protest when me and Ruby are both shocked by the sound of my cell phone ringing. She gives me a horrified look, but I jump across the room and grab it, surprisingly fast, considering.
“Hello?” I yell into the receiver the moment I answer. “Hello? Who is it?”
At first, I get nothing. It reminds me of a little while earlier when it rang but only a couple of times, so I decided to ignore it. Mostly because I was still a little drunk at the time and I couldn’t be bothered to get up. I just assumed that it was a cold marketing call anyway and ii couldn’t be bothered with that…
But now, I’m not so sure. Now, I worry that it might be another ex-girlfriend. More torment. More fear. More threats on my life to deal with. I really don’t want anything else to come my way.
“Oh, hello?” Relief flows through me as I hear Alex’s voice. “Tami, it’s Alex.”
With my next words, I try to sound much more sober. “Hi, Alex. How are you?”
“Good, good. I would ask you the same question, but…” He trails off and I leave it hanging in the air awkwardly. “But anyway, I’m calling because we are having a family barbeque next weekend, on Saturday actually. I wanted to extend an invitation to you. I know that things are a little awkward at the moment, but I’m sure that Brad would love to see you. If you don’t want to come, I get it. I know you are having space, but I didn’t want yo
u to not know about it. It would be… you know, nice to have you around.”
“Oh right.” I can barely handle this; the idea is too much to handle. “Yeah, maybe I will…”
“Oh, right good. And, not that I want to put any pressure on you or anything, but if you do decide to get back with Brad then that would be an awesome time to do it. A real happy ever after. Of course, we can’t expect you to do something that you don’t want to do, but we all love you.”
Those words are lovely. I have always been made to feel like a part of the family. It’s a wonderful thing what the Smith’s have done, but I’m still not sure. I still feel all crazed and unsure. Especially since I’m not exactly sober right now. It’s hard to be rational and smart when I have far too much wine circling through me.
“Thank you for the invite, Alex,” I rasp. “I really appreciate it. I might see you there.”
“Of course. That would be great. Good to talk to you. Goodbye, Tami.”
The phone falls from my fingers and slides to the ground with a thump, making a real racket as it does. It’s only when Ruby bends down to pick it up that I snap out of my moment of madness.
“What was that about?” Ruby asks. “A barbeque or a party or something?”
“Er, yeah, something like that. Alex wants me to go. He said that Brad will want to see me.”
“I’m sure he will. That man loves you… are you planning on going?”
I shrug helplessly, and as my shoulders fall back down a weariness over comes me. The tiredness that I was about to fight only a short while before, hits hard and all I want to do is sleep.
“I don’t know, Ruby. I don’t think that I should make the choice when I’m so shattered.”
