by t. h. snyder
“Can someone help him with that? He only has one arm…come on, guys.”
Feeling like an ass, standing here with my tongue in my mouth, I take a step forward. Etty turns her body and quickly moves to help Linc.
“I’m good, Etty, relax,” Linc says, trying to pull the box from her.
Dault moves alongside of them, his arm brushing against Etty. A bolt of jealously runs through me as I witness his face lighting up from her mere touch.
I knew it; the fucker has feelings for her.
“I got it,” Dault says, taking the box from Linc and standing next to us.
The four of us stand motionless, speechless, waiting for someone to make a move and do something.
“You know what? I’m really tired and think I’m going to call it a night. Thanks again for getting me out of the house, I really needed it,” Etty says, turning her head to face me.
“I can come in if you want,” I reply, wrapping my arm around her shoulders.
“She said she’s tired, bro, let her have some time alone,” Dault states, the look on his face more stern and full of anger than it was before.
“I think she can make that decision on her own, don’t you?” I bark, removing my arm from Etty and taking a step forward.
“Seriously, guys, this isn’t a pissing contest and I’m ready to call it a night.”
Turning her body to completely face me, she takes my hand in hers and walks us back to my car. I’m livid and can’t let him treat her this way. Doesn’t she know that I was only trying to stand up for her?
“You know I hate the way he treats you, Etty. It’s as though you’re his property and no one else can have you,” I whisper.
She abruptly stops in her tracks, giving me a look of sadness.
“That was uncalled for, Christian. Things are complicated and you know it. Just go home and I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
She’s doing it again—letting her pain take over and pushing me away. When the hell will she realize that I’m here to help her, not hurt her like he does?
“Fine, but make sure you get some rest.”
Leaning down to her, I place a gentle kiss to her forehead.
“Goodnight, Christian, and thank you again for tonight, I did have a lot of fun.”
Shrugging my shoulders, I walk to the driver’s side of the car without another word. With a heavy heart, I let her go and get into my car. Pulling away, I look in the rear view mirror to see her waving goodbye.
The Monster in Me
Journal Entry
Pained…griever…lost…lonely.
Those are the words that come to mind when I think about the emotions I feel day in and day out.
Worthless…bastard…loser…waste.
Those are the words that come to mind when I think about my life and the names people have called me.
Growing up, moving around in one too many foster homes, I was never treated as an equal. Instead, I was pushed around, dismissed, and made to feel as though I was an object rather than a human being.
As a small child, I didn’t realize what was happening to me. I just wanted to fit in and play with the other children. They’d look at me like something was wrong with me; I wasn’t good enough to play with their toys or their friends. I was constantly left alone.
As an adolescent, things turned from bad to worse. The children of the families were older, stronger, and more set in their ways. I had to find some way to get through to them and earn some attention, so I found myself causing trouble and creating fights with the others in the houses and at school. It may not have been a wise choice at the time, but it gave me control over the situations and made the rage inside of me break free.
My poor attitude, self neglect, and constant fights pushed me into reckless situations.
One fight was more intense than the rest—the police found us, pulled me off of the other kid, and took us home to my foster parents. They were livid, embarrassed, and refused to let me back into their home because they feared for their own children.
I was escorted from my so called home for beating the other kid that resided there. Being taken to a group home for behavioral adolescents was my reprimand…but it didn’t faze me. Emotionally, I felt on top of the world. Physically, I was strong enough to hold my own. No one dared come near me in fear that I would destroy them emotionally and physically.
I had become a monster, a bully, and the man I am today. The choices I made altered my future, and thank God no legal charges were laid, as I now have a future to live.
Chapter 10
Waking up this morning, I knew there was only one place I had to go. Trying to sort through my thoughts, I watch the clock ‘til it’s time to leave for my scheduled appointment. Getting in my car, I start down the highway with a torn soul, tattered heart, and mind filled with confusion. To think that this was one of the last places I’d ever want to go, I know now that it’s necessary to help me heal.
As much as I hate to think through my emotions, I spent most of the night writing in my journal. By the time I was on the last page, I found myself filled with a sense of loss and sadness as the tears fell from my face.
She is everything I’ve ever wanted, and I would’ve done anything to make her happy. After I left her last night, my emotions were a scattered mess. I felt as if her goodbye was real, like it was final in some weird way.
Pulling into the parking lot of the tall, brick building, I find a parking spot and get out of my car. Every other time I’ve been here, my anxiety was through the roof, but today, I feel like I could conquer the world. Maybe it’s that I have a purpose for this visit, that I have a lot to get off my chest, or that I need to get the advice of a wise man.
As I walk into the office, the receptionist greets me by name and escorts me back to Dr. Jonestown’s room. Walking through the door, I see that he’s already sitting in his chair, tablet in hand.
“Good afternoon, Christian, and how are you doing today?”
Moving toward him, I take a seat in the chair.
“Fine, could be better, but anxious to be here.”
“Well, that’s a bit more optimism from you than I’ve ever heard.”
Nodding my head, I cross the calf of my leg onto the other.
“Yeah, well I’m here for a reason. I’ve had some time to think about things and I’ve done what you’ve asked with the journal.”
“That’s excellent news; did you bring it with you?” he asks, sitting forward in his chair.
Leaning in the chair, I pull the journal out of my back pocket.
“It’s all in here,” I say, tossing it onto the table.
Dr. Jonestown picks up the journal and pages through from beginning to end.
“I’m quite impressed, Christian, I wasn’t too sure how you would handle this task. You did well.”
“Thanks,” I reply with a smirk.
My phone begins to buzz in my pocket and all attention is drawn to the vibration. Removing it from my pocket, I move to turn it off when I see Etty’s name flash across the screen with a text message.
“I’m sorry; I should have left this in the car. Can you excuse me for one minute?”
Unlocking the screen, I swipe to my messages.
Etty: Hey, can we meet at the diner for lunch?
My heart sinks to my feet; I can only hope she’s come to her senses and regrets pushing me away again. With hope bursting through the seams, I quickly reply back.
Christian: Yeah, I’ll be there in 15 minutes.
My gaze shifts from my phone to Dr. Jonestown, the look on his face is filled with curiosity.
“Is everything okay?”
“Um, I’m not sure, but I have to go,” I say, standing from the chair and moving toward the door.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asks, moving to stand in front of his chair.
Nodding my head, I look him directly in the eyes.
“It may not be the best, but I won’t know ‘til I take t
he chance. I can’t let this slip through my fingers again. I’ll call and reschedule as soon as I can.”
“I’m only a phone call away, Christian, remember that.”
“Yeah, I know, thank you,” I say as I pull open the door and walk out into the hallway.
Rushing my way through the building, I slam open the glass entryway doors and run to my car. Sliding in the driver’s side, I start up the car and pull out of the parking lot. My thoughts seem jumbled in my mind when it comes to Etty.
I haven’t a clue what she’s thinking, what she’s been doing, or what she’s about to say to me when I see her. I just saw her less than twenty-four hours ago, yet I’m full of anxiety to be with her again.
A lump of fear has sat in my stomach ever since she said goodbye to me last night. I don’t want to go down a path of negativity, but I can’t help but feel like something bad is going to happen.
Pulling into the diner, I see her car parked off to the side. Now that I know she’s already here, I make my way in through the front door.
As I look around, I see her sitting in a back booth. She waves her hand, gesturing for me to come back to her. Our eyes stay locked on one another as I walk in her direction.
“Hey, Etty, I was beginning to get worried.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I was a little bit occupied and didn’t check my phone until right before I texted you back.”
Sitting down across from her, I look at her expression. She seems to be upset, stressed, and a bit anxious. I extend my hands to her, but rather than grabbing for them, she slides her own under the table.
My stomach becomes queasy and I know that this visit is not going to go well.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything is fine. I just wanted us to meet here so we could talk. I need to tell you something.”
“Etty, what is it? You’re starting to freak me out. This isn’t like you.”
Releasing a heavy sigh, she sits up straight in the booth.
“You know I’d never want to hurt you, right?”
“Yeah,” I reply, feeling like I’m about to be sick.
“I had a chance to sit and talk some things through with Dault last night and…”
No fucking way, I knew it!
I can’t hear this; she’s not doing this to me. I stop her mid-sentence by raising my hand in the air, motioning for her to stop talking.
“Don’t say another word. I can’t believe this is happening.”
I push myself back against the cushion of the booth and run my fingers through my shaggy brown hair. Shaking my head, I look up at the ceiling, down at the table, and then meet her eyes. I want to scream, cry, and beg her to think twice, but I can’t.
“I should’ve known this would happen. It was just a matter of time before he got to you.”
“Christian, it’s not like that. Dault and I have known one another since I got here; it’s not like he came out of nowhere.”
“No, Etty, he didn’t come out of nowhere. He’s treated you like shit from the start, and now…now that he sees you’re happy with me, he wants you all for himself.”
“That’s not fair,” she cries.
“None of this is fair, Etty. I’ve been by your side since you were brought into the ER that night. I’ve wanted to do whatever I could to make you happy, but it just wasn’t enough.”
A tear falls from her eyes. As much as I want to move to her, embrace her, and change her mind…I can’t.
“I’m sorry, Christian. Things have always been complicated with Dault. I just can’t drag you along while I’m not sure what could be between Dault and me. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
Sliding to the edge of the booth, I lean my head into my hands. What I’m about to say to her is going to rip me apart inside, but I have no choice.
“I get it. Like I said, I knew this was coming, I just didn’t think you’d be stupid enough to fall for his shit again.”
“Christian,” she gasps.
“No, don’t even. I’m not the right guy for you and I won’t sit back and watch him hurt you. It’s been fun while it lasted, Etty, but I’m done. Have a nice life and don’t call me when he breaks your heart. I won’t have the courage to tell you I told you so.”
Her mouth drops wide open, a look of hurt and shock across her face. I can’t and won’t feel for her—she’s already destroyed me. Just when I thought I had found the one, she pushed me away for a man that will never be good enough.
Chapter 11
Storming out of the diner, I don’t know which way to turn. The emotions running through me are unexplainable—I’m so furious that I can’t even catch my breath. She can’t be serious; he’s nothing but a low life piece of trash that will only hurt her more.
As I rush to my car, I kick the side in with my boot. Getting into the driver’s side seat, I slam my fists into the steering wheel. I need to get out of here before I lose my mind.
Pulling out of the lot and onto the highway, I drive…to where, I don’t know. I need a way to vent these frustrations, to scream at the top of my lungs and find a way to forget her.
Taking a moment to plan out my course of action, I turn off onto the next exit. I need a release, a way to fight through the rage coursing through my veins. The only way I know how to do that is to drown my sorrow in a bottle of Jack. Following the road about another half mile, I turn off into Dukes. If nothing else, a few shots should help me numb the pain. If not, I’ll just go home and drink myself unconscious.
I pull the car into the lot, park, and get out, slamming the door shut. Moving into the establishment, I feel like the biggest loser.
Who the fuck goes to a bar in the middle of the day?
Me, that’s who. A man with no sense of worth or a life to call his own.
As I walk to the bar, I see a few other patrons sitting around eating lunch. Yeah, food would be a good idea right about now. I haven’t eaten anything substantial since dinner last night with Etty.
Her name alone, crossing my mind, brings pain to my chest.
Taking a seat on an available stool, I wait for the bartender to recognize my presence. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that he’s walking in my direction.
“Hey, man, what can I get for you?”
Looking up at him, I decide what will be the quickest way to numb my pain and heartache.
“I’ll take a double Jack, straight up, and a bottle of Miller Lite.”
“Sure thing, pal, do you want a menu to go along with that liquid lunch?”
I stare back at him, a look of disgust drawing across my face.
“Nah, man, I’m good,” I spit back at him.
As he walks away, I begin to scan the bar. A couple is sitting to the left and a single man to my right. As the bartender comes back with my poison, I can feel a presence come from behind me and take a seat on the stool next to me.
Tipping back the glass of amber liquor, I swallow hard and look to my right.
“Hi,” she says in a somber tone.
Shaking my head and rolling my eyes, I face forward and reach for the bottle of beer.
“Looks like you’ve had just as bad of a day as I have.”
Ignoring her chatter, I lift my now empty glass, signaling for the bartender to give me another double. I watch as he walks my way and takes the glass from the bar.
“Hey, Jenn, haven’t see you in here for a while. How are things?” he asks in the female’s direction.
“Ugh, don’t ask,” she replies in an uncomfortable tone.
“Alright then,” he remarks. “What can I get you?”
She pauses for a moment, turning her body toward mine. Resting her hand on my shoulder, she says, “I’ll have whatever he’s having. It looks like we could both use the company of something strong.”
“Yeah, okay, Jenn,” the bartender says with a laugh.
Removing her hand from my shoulder, she turns to face forward. We sit in silence for the next few seconds, minutes…
hell, maybe even hours, both drowning in our sorrows for different reasons. Feeling as if I shouldn’t have a care in the world, I’ve lost track of how much I’ve had to drink.
“Well, it was nice chatting with you, but I really should get out of here before I can’t walk,” she slurs.
Looking toward her, I see green eyes that I didn’t notice before. They’re captivating, and for a quick moment, I feel myself drawn into her gaze.
What the hell is it with me and these green-eyed women?
Extending my hand to her, I introduce myself.
“Hey, I’m Christian.”
A smile pulls from her lips as she reaches for my hand.
“Hi, Christian, I’m Jenn. Glad to hear that you actually have a voice.”
Letting out a subtle laugh, I reach for my beer and take down a long swig.
“Well, it was nice to finally meet you, but I need to get out of here.”
Finishing the remainder of my bottle, I slide it across the bar.
“Yeah, I should pitch out, too. I’m not in any shape to drive home….and home is a ways off. I better start walking now.”
“My place is only a block down. You’re more than welcome to come and crash ‘til your buzz wears off,” she says with a giggle, hopping down off the bar stool.
My eyes light up with her invitation. What else do I have to lose right now?
“Sounds good, let me clear up our tab and I’ll be right out.”
She rests her hand on my shoulder and flashes me a wink.
“Perfect, thank you, Christian.”
Pulling out my wallet, I toss some cash onto the bar before stepping off the stool and walk out of the bar.
As I push through the doors onto the sidewalk, Jenn is standing on the corner waiting for me. I step in closer to her as she wraps her arm through mine.
“It’s your job to keep me safe, so I’m staying close,” she whispers, looking up at me through her long lashes.
A smile pulls from my lips and I follow her lead to her place.
In this moment, I’m living in the here and now. It’s totally out of character for me, but fuck it. There’s been far too much emotional shit bringing me down with Etty and I need to find a way to forget.
