by Beth Bolden
“Helen would kill me,” Colin said, even though the thought of pissing Helen off wasn’t exactly a negative possibility right now.
Nick’s shrug said, So?
“What I really wanted,” Colin said, “was to just post a picture. Nothing too ridiculous. Nothing too suggestive. Just something that showed how much I care about you.”
“Okay, let’s do it.”
Colin couldn’t help it; he just gaped.
“Everyone already knows,” Nick retorted to Colin’s silent protest.
“Won’t Duncan be pissed?”
“You’re kidding right? Duncan is fucking thrilled. The hits on my profile have reached an all-time high. He’s worried about our servers being able to handle all the extra traffic. Now that everyone knows we’re involved, they want to know exactly what I said about you.”
“What do you want?”
That was the only thing Colin had said in the last five minutes that had even given Nick pause or had broken his furious typing rhythm for a moment. He glanced up at Colin, gray eyes contemplative. “You know what I want.”
“I know but I need you to say it out loud. I couldn’t stand misunderstanding you now.”
Nick hesitated for a split second, then pushed the laptop away, and cleared the electronics between them with a single sweep of his hand. He scooted closer to Colin, curling up next to him like he never wanted to be anywhere else. Resting a hand on Colin’s chest, right over his heart, Nick’s smile was bittersweet. “You. Now. Today. Tomorrow. As long as you let me stick around.”
Colin reached up and let his fingers twist through Nick’s sleep-matted hair, doing his best to smooth it down. “Then you’ve got me,” he said as he worked, his voice not quite steady.
“There’s no going back from this.” Nick’s voice wasn’t steady either.
Colin looked down and saw the quiver of Nick’s upper lip. He rarely gave away his nerves, but he could see them now, lurking in the depths of his eyes. “I don’t want to. I wouldn’t change this, even if I could.” Suddenly it felt very stupid that they’d spent the last three weeks talking in code. Even though he knew how Nick felt about him, it still felt terrifying to take that last step off the cliff. “You know, I love you.”
The corners of Nick’s lips tilted into a wide, bright smile. Suddenly, he was luminous. “You know, I love you, too.”
“Then let’s do this,” Colin said, grabbing his phone and leaning back a little, capturing the remnants of that smile, and the crazy hair that would fool nobody. He stared at the picture for a split second, suddenly regretting that he had to share this version of Nick with the world. But it was just one moment, he realized, he’d get dozens and hundreds and thousands more.
He’d make sure of it.
Typing out the caption before he could lose his nerve, he quickly uploaded the picture to his social media. It was the first post he’d ever made without Helen’s consent, and as it finished posting, Colin felt the last chain holding him back fall away.
Woke @NickWheeler up to tell him the cat’s out of the bag. He doesn’t look too disappointed.
“It was incredibly irresponsible,” Helen said sternly.
“In Colin’s defense —” Nick began, but Helen cut him right off.
“Mr. Wheeler, we all know you’re willing to defend him to the ends of earth, but that isn’t the point here.”
“In my defense,” Colin said, perfectly ready to defend himself if Nick wasn’t allowed to, “the chances of someone catching a photo of us at some hole-in-the-wall taco stand was extremely slim.”
“The photographer who took the picture was tracking you,” Helen said. “Which is a possibility I know I warned you about.”
“You also said that almost every paparazzi is paid to take photos with full permission of the person they’re photographing. I assumed, because of what you said, that someone going rogue with almost no guarantee of a payoff, wasn’t worth worrying about.”
Helen sighed. “It wouldn’t have been...except you spent all those weeks teasing everyone with the idea you were dating someone. The paparazzi had a very good idea what a photo confirmation would be worth.”
Then when Deadspin bought the pictures, they were smart enough to comb through pictures of you from when Nick would have been in Miami,” she continued. “And they hit pay dirt.”
Colin leaned back in his chair. He hated the way this felt; like he’d been caught doing something wrong and he’d been brought to the principal’s office for punishment to be doled out. “I thought the point of me coming out was so I could date a man.”
“We just don’t want to turn what’s been a surprisingly positive experience into something else,” Helen said. “I know it doesn’t sound like it sometimes, but we’re on your side.”
“Then don’t call me in here, and start lecturing me,” Colin snapped. “From what you say, it was a thousand to one chance someone might find out I was dating Nick, but it happened.”
“We’re trying to figure out what to do about it,” Helen said, and the minute trace of apology in her tone placated but didn’t really calm his temper.
“What to do about it?” Colin questioned. “There’s nothing to do about it. We’re dating. We’ll continue to date.”
“We thought maybe some official paparazzi photos, you know, you and Nick out shopping in Malibu or maybe even back in Miami, holding hands, looking cute and marketable. That gives us control back of the media cycle and means that everyone stops circulating those blurry pics that Deadspin owns.”
Colin leaned forward, giving Helen the same look he often gave his receivers when he was challenging them to catch more balls. “Then let me bring Nick to the fundraiser.”
“No,” Helen and Nick chimed in simultaneously.
Colin threw his hands in the air. “Why the hell not? It’s the perfect opportunity. We’d look just as cute there as we’d look holding hands pretending to shop, and at least it would be for a good cause.”
Nick reached over and brushed one of Colin’s hands with his own. “Then the event becomes about us and not about the kids,” he said, and at least he sounded more apologetic than Helen.
Switching his attention to his boyfriend, Colin asked him softly, “What do you think about these other pictures?” He’d promised himself – and Nick – that they’d get equal say in whatever Helen was going to ask them to do, going forward. Colin had insisted on not being the deciding factor, even though he was the one with the PR consultant. Nick had merely looked at him like he was crazy, and told Colin that he could take perfectly good care of himself when it came to the media. Which was undoubtedly true because Nick was the media.
One of the things Colin was rapidly learning about relationships was that even when you had the other person’s best interests at heart, that wasn’t always how it was interpreted by them.
“It’s not a bad idea,” Nick said and Colin groaned out loud.
“Faking a shopping trip? Ugh, I hate those staged photos.”
“We could go frolic on the beach,” Nick said, a glimmer of a smile ghosting around his lips.
“Absolutely not,” Colin retorted.
“You could even go shirtless. The photos would be a wild success.”
Colin shot his boyfriend a glare. Helen cleared her throat. “Why don’t we discuss possible photo opportunities later and agree now that the idea in general is a good one?”
“Probably because I don’t think it’s a good idea in general,” Colin said in what he knew was an uncharacteristically grumpy voice.
Helen threw her hands up and shot Nick a look, which probably meant something along the lines of, talk to him because I give up trying.
“We’ll talk about it and get back to you,” Nick said diplomatically.
Ultimately, the problem with what Colin had tried to promise Nick was that the opposite wasn’t really true at all. The moment Nick expressed his opinion about something, Colin couldn’t even help it – he wanted to say yes,
to give him exactly what he wanted. Which was how he knew when they ended up having the conversation, Nick would tell him (again) that it was a good idea, and Colin would say, okay, let’s take these stupid pictures.
Another part of being in a relationship, Colin had discovered, was learning when to gracefully compromise.
“We’ll do the pictures,” Colin said. “But at the taco stand.”
Helen looked pleased but puzzled. “The taco stand?”
“The same one we were discovered at,” Colin said. “I want to do something we’d actually do, so we’ll do something that we’ve already done.”
He could tell Helen wasn’t a huge fan of the idea, but she’d also gotten what she wanted with very little coaxing on her end. He watched her internal struggle and knew he’d get his way.
Which was how, the next day, Colin and Nick and Gabe and Jemma all took the day off to recreate a double date at their favorite taco stand.
“Do you think they’re getting my good angle?” Gabe asked, between bites of al pastor.
“I really hate you,” Colin grimaced, his annoyance by no means eradicated by the way Nick was giggling next to him.
“Don’t look that way,” Jemma said, “they’re going to think you’re already having a fight with Nick.”
“Yeah, that’s all we need,” Nick said. “Trouble in Paradise Already? headlines.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Colin said, trying not to frown, “what am I supposed to do? Smile constantly? This is supposed to seem natural.”
“I hate to break it to you,” Gabe said. “But none of this is very natural.”
“You don’t say,” Colin retorted sarcastically.
“Just try not to look so angry,” Jemma soothed. “You’re supposed to be having a nice day with friends, with your boyfriend, who you’re crazy about.”
Colin morosely poked at his uneaten tacos. He was too afraid to get a picture taken with a mouthful of half-eaten food. It turned out that it was a lot easier to do this when you didn’t know there was a photographer hiding in the bushes by the salsa bar.
“O’Connor,” Nick said quietly, and Colin glanced up, everything in him magnetically drawn to the man next to him. Nick reached up and put a hand on his shoulder, scooting a half-inch closer. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he said, “and then the guy can leave and we can all enjoy our lunch.”
“Better make it a good one,” Colin said.
Nick’s eyes lit up, and Colin thought he liked the look of that long, slow smile with the diabolical edge.
He wasn’t wrong. It was a smile that promised, and delivered, fantastic things.
The pictures of Colin and Nick kissing at the taco stand came out on a Tuesday, and the fundraiser was that Friday. The pictures even made the cover of People magazine, which meant that when Nick ran to the store to grab milk and bread and some other necessities, they taunted him from the rack next to the checkout.
From the way the checker eyed him up and then down again, Nick was pretty sure she’d recognized him, but the lady didn’t say a word. He wasn’t sure if he was grateful or not. He’d meant to keep the kissing rather tame, but then Colin had struggled so much with the whole experience, and it had been hard for Nick to control himself when he’d discovered such a great way to distract him.
Nick steeled his resolve and offered a smile in exchange for her suspicious glances. So much of this was an unpleasant reminder of what coming out the first time had been like, but he knew it was so much more fraught for Colin than for himself, so he kept quiet. And, he kept telling himself, it would calm down. Right now, Colin was the biggest story in the sports world. That wouldn’t last. They just had to make it through the next few weeks and something else would crop up and the scrutiny on their every move would end.
Nick had already decided that he would go for a long run while Colin was at the fundraiser. It would keep him from moping around the house, wishing that things were different and that he’d been able to come along.
The problem was that if Nick even showed a fraction of how much he wanted to go, Colin would never let it go. So Nick had taken a hard line of it’s impossible, which was further bolstered by Helen’s certainty it was a bad idea. Still, he was looking forward to the day when he could be a little selfish and let Colin drag him to all these events.
Plus, Nick had heard some...contradictory things about this particular NFL player’s personal beliefs, and he wasn’t sure Colin receiving the invitation after coming out was a good or a bad thing. Nick was hoping the rumors were lies, and it wouldn’t be an issue. After all, if this player was indeed a homophobic bag of dicks, it didn’t make any sense for him to invite Colin after he came out of the closet.
He’d just heard wrong, Nick decided as he climbed the stairs to the loft, grocery bags in hand. Nothing else made sense.
“Hi there, handsome,” Nick said as he walked into the loft and found Colin primping in his tuxedo.
Colin’s face lit up as he caught sight of him. Nick didn’t think that was ever going to get old, and it helped take some of the sting out of his grocery store run.
“You look great,” Nick said, because he could see Colin gearing up for yet another round of you should really be coming with me. The problem was if Colin kept asking, Nick was going to eventually say yes. The trick was to make sure they never got there.
“It’s James Bond theme,” Colin said proudly. “Sounds really fun for the kids. I think I’m going to do themed fundraiser events every year.”
“A wonderful idea,” Nick said, reaching up and smoothing down Colin’s already smooth lapels.
“What are you going to do while I’m gone?”
“Go for a little beach run, probably. I like it when it’s dark.”
Colin’s face scrunched up adorably. “You’re so weird. Only person I know who enjoys running at night.”
“Better than running at the ass crack of dawn,” Nick retorted with a grin.
“Yeah, who’s the weirdo who likes to do that?”
Nick kissed him in lieu of actually answering. So enthusiastically, in fact, that when they finally broke apart, Colin was breathing a little heavy and his erection was poking a hole in Nick’s leg. “What was that for?” he asked.
Ignoring the clammy tendril of fear, Nick reached up and grasped his cheeks between his palms. “Because I love you.”
Nick told himself, after Colin left in the hired car, that he’d made the right choice to send Colin off with love and not with some shady gossip that would only worry him.
He still ran hard and long, pushing his body and his brain, trying to shut up that little voice at the back of his head that kept telling him that he’d made a mistake by not telling Colin about his fears – or that he’d made a mistake by not going with him.
By the time he got back to his building, he was dripping sweat and shaky on his legs. He unlocked the door and found all the lights still off, which made sense. He didn’t anticipate seeing Colin until much later. Nick decided he’d take a shower and order a pizza for dinner, maybe catch the Lakers game on TV. He stopped by the fridge to grab some water, chugging it as he moved from the kitchen to the bedroom. He flipped the light on, and nearly dropped the bottle.
Colin was sitting on the edge of the bed, the bowtie of his tuxedo hastily undone, his head in his hands. He looked up slowly now that Nick had turned the lights on.
“What are you doing here?” Nick said, that horrible hateful fear that he’d been trying to push away all night billowing exponentially inside of him.
“It was a mistake,” Colin said dully.
“What happened?” Nick said, forgetting about his sweat, sitting right down next to Colin, pulling him tight against him. Colin was usually a huge cuddler, loving any and every touch that Nick could give him, but he went so easily tonight, like a puppet with its strings cut.
“As soon as I got there, the lady checking us in said they wanted to see me personally. You know, the organizer and his buddi
es. I assumed it was to thank me personally for coming on such short notice.” Colin laughed bitterly and Nick felt a chill run up his spine.
“What did they say?” he asked quietly, though he had a good idea already. Maybe that gossip hadn’t been shady. Maybe he’d known all along, and he’d sent Colin out there, unprepared and naïve, expecting everyone to be accepting and loving of who he was when Nick already knew the truth.
“Oh, he did thank me for coming,” Colin said. “And said when they’d read about me a few weeks ago, they’d been disappointed, but hoped that I’d not make a huge mistake and make a spectacle of such an embarrassing secret.”
Nick soothed as best he could, a shaky hand stroking Colin’s broad back. He could feel a shudder run through him, and had never wanted to kill anyone the way he wanted to tonight.
“They used a bunch of other, much worse words. I won’t repeat them,” Colin said dully. “But you get the idea.”
“That’s what they’d invited you for? You weren’t even there for the kids?” Nick had worried, but he’d never expected that this would turn out so badly.
“No.” Colin’s voice cracked. “To quote him, can’t have some fucking queer influencing the kids.”
Rage was a white-hot living thing boiling inside Nick. “What an asshole.”
Colin laughed again, the sound so bitter Nick could taste it as he swallowed. “He only invited me to the fundraiser because he didn’t think I’d meet him if he just asked. Said something about you knowing what he thought and that you’d warn me off.”
“God, I...I am so fucking sorry. I did hear that he was like this. I thought…I mean...I wanted to be wrong. And I wasn’t sure. It was all rumors. I didn’t know for sure. If I’d known, I would have told you. I wouldn’t have let you walk into his trap.”
“I believe you,” Colin said, and the forgiveness in his voice nearly broke Nick’s control over the tears threatening. And he’d been upset over the way the checker at the grocery store had looked at him! “I told him that he didn’t intimidate me on a football field, and he didn’t intimidate me in his street clothes, either.”
