by Bailey West
“I don’t know.”
“What are you going to do when you need to study for a test?”
“I don’t know.”
“What’s going to happen if…”
“I DON’T KNOW! OKAY? I DON’T KNOW!” I yelled.
I started crying again.
“Sissy, I’m not trying to upset you or make you cry. I’m showing you that you need me there.”
“I do need you here, but I have to do this on my own. If something changes I will call you but for now, please let me do this on my own.”
“This is the dumbest conversation we have ever had! Why wouldn’t you want me there with you? Why would you want to go through this all on your own?”
“I have a son that will be looking to me when things get rough. I can’t fold and call you every time life throws adversity my way. I promise if I can’t figure this out, you will be the very first person that I call.”
“I hear you, and I understand. Don’t get mad if I call you twenty-four times a day. Once every hour.”
We laughed.
I felt confident when I told Zanetta I could do this on my own, but a couple hours later, I wished she was here with me.
I stood over BJ’s crib and watched him sleep. I watched the rise and fall of his little belly. I listened to his little snores like he’d had a hard day of work. I ran my fingers through his little mess of curls on the top of his head. Just when I thought that maybe I wasn’t being punished for my decisions, this happens. Just when I thought I could breathe again, I’m once again holding my breath. I really didn’t have any answers. I had no idea who would watch BJ while I attended class. I was clueless as to how I would study and care for him at the same time.
That night I had a dream. I was in a white room with all white furniture. There was a window where the sun’s beams were shining through, illuminating the entire room. Red roses in a white vase added a pop of color. Standing in the middle of the room was a beautiful woman dressed in a long, white floor length sun dress. It flowed and moved like the fabric was being blown by the wind. She had long straight black hair that was pulled back away from her face and rested on her back. Her brown sugar colored skin was clear with a radiant glow. Her big, beautiful dimpled smile was enhanced by her full lips. She had blue eyes just like me. Big, clear, expressive blue eyes.
This was not the first time that I have dreamt about her. When I was a little girl, and I felt alone or scared, I would dream about her. She would let me lay my head on her lap while she stroked my hair and sang to me.
Hush a bye
Don’t you cry
Go to sleep, my little baby
When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little horses…
I didn’t know that what she sang was an actual lullaby until we learned it in choir class one year.
When I got pregnant with BJ, I dreamt of her again. This time I laid my head on her shoulder while she sang and rubbed my stomach.
She said, “We should name him Braeden James.”
That’s where BJ’s name came from.
This time in my dream she said, “Don’t give up. You and Braeden are going to be fine. You were born to succeed.”
Then she rested my head on her shoulder and hummed a song. That dream gave me so much peace and strength. I knew that everything was going to be fine.
I didn’t see Bahir again. A month after his disappearance, I received a letter in the mail with no return address. I almost threw it in the trash figuring it was some type of promotional material. I opened the letter and read:
Zora,
I guess by now you know that I am gone. I left without telling you because I didn’t want to see the hurt in your eyes when I told you that I had to leave. I didn’t have a choice. It would have never worked out between us. We are too different. Our lives are headed in two different directions. I’m not coming back. I wish you all of the success in the world.
Bahir
There were five checks included with the letter. Each certified check was for two thousand dollars. What I noticed was that he didn’t mention anything about BJ in the letter. He didn’t say I hope he is okay or I hope he dies. Nothing. Anything would have been better than nothing! I was so angry! This bitch ass muthafucka begged his way into my life. He BEGGED! I said no for months but he kept begging! He stayed long enough to knock me up and then left? What the hell! This is on me, though. I knew better. I had a plan, and I let someone come in and interrupt it. That’s never going to happen again. The only good thing that came out of this was my baby.
Reading that letter was like reading his obituary because he was dead to me. Rest in Peace Bahir.
Ezekiel
“I will take one vanilla/chocolate double cone and one large chocolate dip cone with cherry dip on top.”
I turned around and smiled at Zanetta.
“I got your order right, didn’t I?”
She smiled and nodded her head. I could tell she was still sad about her confrontation with her ex-boyfriend at church. He came to church trying to apologize to her. I didn’t hear the conversation but whatever she said caused him to walk away defeated. I’m proud of her for standing up for herself. If she hadn't stood up for herself, I would have. He hurt her and that isn’t cool with me.
I met Zanetta through my parents. She was their fashion stylist, and she was attending our church while she was in college. I took to the role of big brother immediately. Not that I didn’t think she was pretty because she was but I don’t know, I just never saw her like that. I always saw her as my little sister. My bratty little sister.
I got our cones from the Mr. Softy truck. We walked to a nearby bench to sit down.
“So that was the guy, huh?”
I knew she was dating someone, but I’d never met him.
“Yeah, that was Antoine. I didn’t think I would ever see him again. I haven’t answered any of his calls, and when he came to my apartment, I didn’t let him in. I just want to heal and move on, you know?”
“I can understand that. That’s why I don’t do relationships. They get too confusing, too much work and someone always gets hurt.”
“That’s a horrible outlook to have Zeke. Relationships are beautiful when they work. I think it just takes two people who are committed to making each other happy.”
I had sworn off relationships since I was in high school.
It took me the entire first semester of my freshman year of high school to build up the courage to speak to her-Jameria Johnson.
Jameria Johnson was a Sophomore, and she was the prettiest girl in the school. She had smooth khaki-colored skin. She had high cheek bones that made it appear as if she was smiling even when she wasn’t. She had one of those cute moles above her top lip. She wore her hair in box braids like Janet Jackson did in Poetic Justice. She even wore baggy clothes and boots like Janet. She was fly.
At that time, I thought that I was the settling down type. I wanted a girl to kick it with like my brother Blue. He was gone over a girl we knew from church named Michaela. I watched Jameria walking down the hall with her friends. Today she wore a black long-sleeved bodysuit with Tommy Hilfiger jeans and black boots. There was a wide black headband holding back her braids. I followed behind them waiting for an opportunity to speak with her alone. I practiced my speech for weeks. “Hi, Jameria. I know you don’t know me, but I’m Zeke Bluette. I think you are pretty and would like to get to know you better. The Valentine’s Day dance is coming up, and I was wondering if you would go with me…” no, I changed that to, “be my date.” It was fool proof. I have been saving up my money from the paid gigs I have been taking as a drummer. I planned on buying our tickets and getting me an outfit. We can ride to the dance with my brothers. I know Blue is taking Michaela and Paxton hasn’t said who he is taking, but the girls are lined up to be his date since he is the star defensive tackle on the football team.
I saw her break from the group and go to her locker. This is my chance. I have to go for it. I quickly walked up
to her before she could get away.
I ran my hands down the front of my brand-new Karl Kani sweatshirt and jeans before I touched her shoulder. “Excuse me, Jameria?” She turned around and smiled down at me. I still hadn’t hit my growth spurt, so she was a good six to seven inches taller than me.
“Yes?”
“I know you don’t know me…”
“I know who you are,” she interrupted.
I said, “Zeke Bluette.”
At the same time, she was saying, “Paxton’s little brother. You are so cute.”
“Thank you!” I had recently started wearing my hair like Ginuwine with the curly top and slicked down baby hair. I thought I was cute too.
“So, I was wondering if…”
She interrupted again, “Can you give Paxton this note?”
She shoved a folded piece of paper in my hand.
“Thank you, little Bluette brother,” she quickly said as she closed her locker and walked down the hall.
I stood frozen in the same spot for a few minutes. I looked down at the paper and then down the hall at her walking away without even looking back.
I was in a slump for the rest of the day. She was the only girl I had eyes for. Blue made it seem easy when he got with Michaela.
After school, I sat in my bedroom listening to R. Kelly’s I Can’t Sleep Baby on repeat. I was devastated.
I waited for Paxton to get home from weight lifting to give him the note that Jameria had given to me.
“What’s up? Why you in here looking all sad?”
I handed him the note.
“What is this?” He asked after taking it from me.
“It’s a letter for you,” I said unenthused.
“Where did it come from?”
I ran down the whole story to Paxton. He let me tell him the whole thing from me seeing her my first day of school to receiving the note today. He didn’t interrupt me. He nodded at the appropriate time and let me get it all off my chest.
“So, let me see if I understand. You have liked this girl since the first day of school. You finally get up the courage to ask her to the dance, and she hands you a note to give to me?”
“Yeah…”
He tore up the paper into small pieces.
“I don’t want to read anything from her. Bros before hoes little brother. I always have your back. Don’t worry. I will find you a date for the dance. She will be ten times prettier than what’s her name, okay?”
“It’s just that you and Blue are so tall. I haven’t grown yet. I think that girls like guys that are taller.”
“Zeke, don’t worry either you will grow in height or in personality. Probably both. Either way, by your sophomore year, you won’t be able to keep the chicks off you. You’re a Bluette man, you don’t have a choice.”
He was correct. The summer after my freshman year, I sprouted almost six inches. I slowly started to notice the females paying more attention to me. They would talk about my ‘good hair’ or my pretty eyes. By the second semester of my sophomore year, the ladies was feeling ya boy! I decided with so many choices, why would a man choose just one?
“Speaking of relationships, did you tell Rose that you are leaving to go on the world tour with Lyrica?”
Lyrica Stansfield is the new pop ‘it girl.' After singing background for her mother for years, she recently released her first solo album. It went platinum almost overnight. I laid some drum tracks on her record, and I have been playing at all her shows. Lyrica is also a talented percussionist. She and I did an instrumental together on her CD. She is going on her first world tour, and I have been hired as the drummer for the band.
“Rose is not my girlfriend, Nette. I don’t owe her any explanation for the moves that I make.”
“You say she’s not your girlfriend, but she thinks she is your girlfriend.”
“I never told her that she was, so I don’t know why she thinks that. She’s not the only female I kick it with.”
“Maybe because you spend so much time with her, but most importantly you haven’t told her that she isn’t. Your words and your actions are contradictory.”
“Spell it.”
“Shut-up Zeke. I’m serious. Be honest about your intentions with Rose and with any other female that you deal with. Tell them from the beginning that they are not going to be your girlfriend. Make sure your actions line up with your words. Look at me. Antoine hurt me. If he would have just said, Look Nette, I’m not feeling this anymore. Then I would have been hurt but not nearly as hurt as I am right now. I would have respected his decision to move on to greener pastures or whatever. But no! He had to try to be slick and sneak around behind my back. Then he has the nerve to want a second chance.”
“He doesn’t deserve a second chance.”
“Neither will you Zeke if you don’t talk to Rose and be truthful with her.”
I thought about what Nette said. It bothered me to see her hurt over some worthless clown. She’s a good girl. He shouldn’t have hurt her like that. I didn’t want to inflict that same pain on someone, so I decided to have a conversation with Rose.
Rose and I had been kickin’ it for a few months. Kickin it is not the best term to use. I guess it’s more like spending time together. She had integrated herself into my life before I’d realized it. She did things without me asking like picking up my dry cleaning or organizing my small office. She’d find inexpensive flights when I needed to travel and she would coordinate my transportation to the airport. She was helpful so I sorta got used to her, but it was never my plan to make her my girl. I don’t know why I let her assume that she was my girlfriend. I should have corrected her a long time ago, but I didn’t. She is not my girlfriend. If I chose a girl, which I wouldn’t, I can honestly say that I would not choose her. She is nice enough, but she’s…sweet. My agenda doesn’t fit well with sweet girls. I think that’s why I haven’t corrected her assumption about our relationship status. Sweet girls get hurt too easily. After speaking to Zanetta, I realized that it was only fair to tell Rose that I was leaving.
“Hi, Ezekiel.”
I stood to greet her while the Maître D’ pulled out her seat and she sat down.
“Thanks for meeting me, Rose.”
“There’s no other place I would rather be,” she smiled.
We looked over our menus. We settled on what to order. I waved the waiter over, and he wrote down our food choices. We made small talk until our food came. After we finished our meal, I felt like it was time to talk to her.
“Rose, I asked you out to dinner because I want to talk to you about something important.”
“Okay,” she smiled.
I decided it was best to just snatch off the proverbial band-aid and be completely honest with her.
“I am going on tour with Lyrica. I will be gone for a year, basically.”
“Wow Ezekiel that is amazing! Congratulations.”
“Thanks. I am telling you because I don’t want to lead you on. We are not a couple. You are not my girlfriend, and I am not your boyfriend. I never should have let this go so long without correcting you, but I wanted to be clear with you before I left.”
She looked at me for several minutes before she responded.
“So that’s why you invited me to this public location? So you could just spew all of those terrible things at me and hope that I wouldn’t cuss your black ass out? You thought that telling me this in public would stop me from showing out and embarrassing your stupid ass?”
“I didn’t plan out anything,” I calmly said. “I just wanted, to be honest with you. I wasn’t going to tell you at first, but then I thought about it and realized that I should say something.”
“Am I supposed to thank you for being so considerate?”
“I’m not asking you to…”
She interrupted, “That’s what’s wrong with you worthless black men. You have something perfect in front of you, but you are too stupid to see it. I knew you were no good when I started talk
ing to you. I said all he needs is a good woman to change him. I showed you all of the attention that you needed. I did everything that I was supposed to do in this relationship, but you are still saying it’s not enough.”
Bubble bursting time…
I kept my voice even as I spoke, “I’m not going to be too many more worthless’ or stupids, straight up. Don’t call me names. That’s disrespectful, and I don’t have a tolerance for disrespect.” I looked at her to make sure she understood me. Once I saw that she did, I continued, “I never told you that we were in a relationship. As a matter of fact, I told you that I was not looking for a relationship. You thought you could change my mind, but you didn’t. Let me give you some advice for the next man that you meet. A man will not change unless he wants to. No matter how much you are around cooking, cleaning, or sexing. We change because we want to change. I don’t want to change. I’m satisfied with myself. You did things for me , yes, but I never asked nor did I want it or you.”
She stood to her feet. Picked up her glass and threw the contents of it in my face. What is it with chicks and throwing drinks?
“I hope you die a painful and tragic death you bastard.”
She stormed out of the restaurant.
“That went well,” I said to myself while I wiped my face.
After my first taste of life on the road, I fell in love with it. I loved going to different cities every night. I enjoyed the energy of the crowd, and I enjoyed the women. Lots and lots of women. I enjoyed being constantly on the go, not letting grass grow under my feet.
I took a short break from touring after my sister Michaela died from cancer. Our entire family took her death very hard but my brother Roman, her husband, took it the hardest. I slowed down to make sure that I could check in on him. I wanted to stop altogether until I had a conversation about it with Paxton.
Paxton and I were sitting in my parent’s living room.
“Man, this has been the hardest time of my life. I knew we were going to lose Kay, but I didn’t think it would feel like this.”
