by Bailey West
I saved up some money and purchased a one-way bus ticket to New York. I stayed in a homeless shelter for a couple of days before I could go to my school. The lady at the homeless shelter and the woman at my school helped me get a summer job. They also directed me to a clinic where I got an abortion at no cost to me. I had the hardest time going through with the abortion. I was tormented at night feeling like God would hate me because I did it. Then once I did it, I felt nothing. I thought God would curse me for not caring about killing a life.
I wanted to take control of my sexuality. I didn’t want to be afraid to have a real relationship with a man. So, I went through my hoe stage. Then I meet Bahir. He treated me so nice. He was attentive and persistent. I adjusted my plans to be with him. I got pregnant with BJ, and he was around for a little…then one day, he was gone. Poof! Into thin air.
I evaluated my track record with men. My daddy was too busy with church to see that he had a pedophile living in his home. My brothers were all too busy with their lives to even come by and check on me. Bahir got me pregnant and left me. Now, there is you.”
“Zora, I…”
“Let me finish, please. I love you more than air. Like if I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I would choose loving you. I’m no good for you Zeke. I have a terrible past. You have built a brand with your drumkit, your studio, and your businesses. Being married to me would tarnish all of that. I can’t ruin your life and everything you’ve built. That’s why I said no.”
Ezekiel stepped in front of me and placed his hands on the wall locking me into place.
“Zora, what are you talking about?” He used his thumb and first finger to move my chin so that I was looking at him. “Tarnish? How could you tarnish anything?”
“You are good Ezekiel. I’m not,” I looked down again.
He moved my face again and said, “Z, look at me.” I made eye contact with him as he continued. “You are not responsible for what that asshole did to you. You were a baby, and he took advantage of you. There is a special place in hell for him. He better hope that I’m not the one that sends him there.”
He took my face in both of his hands.
“Do you understand that none of that was your fault? None of it Zora.”
I nodded my head as he pulled me into a hug.
“You are perfect for me. Your past is just that, your past. You are an Ivy League educated, Oral and Maxillofacial surgeon that graduated at the top of her class and is the partner of a highly successful dental practice. Zora, I went to a state college, and I play the drums for a living. If anyone is not good enough, it's me.”
“Don’t say that Zeke.”
“It’s true. I knew you were out of my league when I first met you, but I wanted you so bad that I at least had to try. Every day I would wake up with you in my arms, and I would thank God that is was not a dream. I knew at some point you would come to your senses and see me for who I am, but you didn’t until I asked you to marry me.”
“That’s not what it was at all Zeke.”
“I realize that now. We were both afraid, but we were afraid of different things. I love you so much, Zora.”
“You do?”
“Yes, I do. I didn’t think that I would ever want to love a woman, but I live to love you and BJ. I’m sorry.”
His lips crashed onto mine with so much passion. He pulled me into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry for what your uncle did to you. I’m sorry that you had to go through the abortion on your own. I’m sorry that your family didn’t believe you. I’m sorry Bahir walked away. I’m sorry that I was afraid and didn’t understand. I’m sorry that I raised my voice and cursed. I’m sorry that I left instead of listening to you. I’m sorry it took me four days to call you and apologize. I apologize for every man in your life that has wronged you. Please let me make it up to you.”
I cried harder and harder with each I’m sorry. It felt like each time he said it a little piece of me was put back together.
“We don’t have to get married as long as I know that you are mine, I will take you any way that I can get you.”
“I’m your’s, Zeke.”
“Do you forgive me for walking away. For being selfish, immature and petty?”
I laughed.
“Yes, I forgive you. Do you forgive me for not expressing how I felt sooner? For not giving you the full story a long time ago?”
“Yes, I forgive you.”
“Prove it.”
He smiled as he lifted me into his arms and started walking to my bedroom.
“I was hoping you would say that.”
Zora
After our talk, we made love all night. I missed him so much. His apology meant so much to me. Then he told me that he loves me! He is the first man to ever say that to me. I’ve never heard it from my father or my brothers. Bahir never said it. Ezekiel did. I wish I could describe the way those words made me feel. The closest description would be like the feeling you get when you are extremely thirsty, and you finally get something to drink. Sometimes you can feel the liquid coat your stomach. That’s the way those words made me feel. It was like something coating me from my head down to my feet. I literally felt his words.
“Doctor Chambers.”
The OB nurse was calling me back for my appointment. This is Ezekiel’s first prenatal appointment with me. We stood together and followed the nurse to the small examination room.
“You don’t have to take off anything as long as the doctor has access to your stomach. Please have a seat on the table. The doctor will be in shortly.”
I climbed up on the table while Ezekiel roamed around the room touching things. He looked at all the posters. Then he touched the model of the uterus. He was nervous.
“Babe, here is a seat. Come and sit down.”
He sat down and reached for my hand.
“What is he going to do today? Will we be able to see Peanut?”
“I’m not sure.”
As soon as I finished my sentence, the doctor entered the room.
“Doctor Chambers it’s good to see you again,” he smiled.
“Doctor Ingram, it’s good to see you too. This is my boyfriend, Ezekiel Bluette.”
Doctor Ingram extended his hand to Ezekiel. They shook.
“Bluette…you’re not related to Roman Bluette are you?”
“Yes, I am. He’s my brother.”
“Wow, small world. I visited his church for the first time last week. I was very impressed.”
“Thank you. You are always welcome.”
“I plan on returning. So, Doctor Chambers, how are you feeling?”
“Aside from the morning sickness, I’m good.”
“Great, let’s have you lay back on the table so we can measure you and get a look at baby Chambers.”
“Baby Bluette,” I corrected.
“Of course.”
I laid back on the table and lifted my shirt above my small bump. I rolled the top of my scrubs pants down to give him total access. He pulled out a small measuring tape and measured my stomach. He wrote the measurement down on my chart. He turned on the Doppler machine and put in on my stomach. He moved it around until Peanut’s heartbeat filled the room.
“What is that?” Ezekiel asked.
“That’s your son or daughter’s heartbeat.”
Ezekiel pulled out his phone and tapped a few buttons.
“I’m recording this.”
He beamed with pride while Doctor Ingram held the machine in place to let Ezekiel record it. I watched him close his eyes and listen like he was listening to a song. He opened his eyes and smiled at me. A couple of tears fell that he quickly wiped away.
“You know, we may be able to get a peek at baby Bluette.”
“An ultrasound?”
“Yeah would like to see her or him?”
“Absolutely!” Ezekiel responded.
I smiled and nodded in agreement.
Doctor Ingram put th
e jelly on my stomach and turned on the ultrasound machine. It didn’t take but a moment for Peanut to show up on the screen.
“There is your baby,” Doctor Ingram pointed to the screen.
Ezekiel stood and held my hand.
“This is the arm. Here is the little heart beating. Look, there is a leg.”
I watched him point to the monitor, but it was hard to see through the tears that were falling. I was already so in love with this little baby.
“Look at daddy’s baby,” Ezekiel whispered while Doctor Ingram continued to point out body parts.
He finished the ultrasound. He printed out a couple of pictures and handed them to Ezekiel.
“Well mom and dad, the baby looks healthy. I will see you back here next month.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Ezekiel replied.
Doctor Ingram left the room.
Ezekiel helped me sit up after I wiped the jelly off my stomach.
“Did you see my baby?”
“I did,” I smiled.
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
“Zeke, what if she’s a he?”
“She’s not,” he said confidently.
He helped me down off the table then said, “Z, where did you find this Doctor? Soap Opera Doctors-R-Us?”
“Shut- up Zeke,” I laughed. “He delivered a couple of the partner’s babies.”
“You’re lucky I’m secure in my manhood!” He said as he held the door open for me to exit.
I laughed again.
“You’re stupid!”
It’s funny because when I first met Doctor Ingram, I thought he could be an actor or a model. He is fine.
After sharing the pictures of Peanut with Braeden and letting him hear the heartbeat, we ate dinner and put him down.
Zeke was doing one of my most favorite things, rubbing my feet. I had my eyes closed enjoying the sensation of his huge, coarse hands massaging my feet.
“Z, where is your uncle now?”
He hadn’t asked me any questions about my uncle since I shared with him a few days ago.
“I think he is still in Saint Louis. I don’t know. Since I haven’t talked to anyone in my family, I’m not sure where he is.”
“Do you think you should have a conversation with your parents about everything that happened?”
“Yes, I do. I would like to sit down with them and ask why they didn’t believe me. I would like for them to know what he did to me.”
“If we could organize that meeting, would you do it?”
“Yes, I would.”
“Good, then we will be going to Saint Louis in the next couple of days. I’m going to locate that bitch ass child predator as well.”
“Zeke, I don’t think it will be that easy. My parents don’t care…”
“Z, don’t say that. We just had a whole huge misunderstanding based on misconceptions and fear. I’m not going to let you continue down this road. If your parents and your brothers don’t want anything to do with you, then let them tell you to your face. None of them have said it, outside of that letter you received from your mother. You have assumed, and so have they. You’ve never told them that you don’t want to have anything to do with them, right?”
“Right.”
“Then let’s stop assuming and get to the bottom of this whole thing.”
I had never thought about it like that. What if it is a misunderstanding? What if I can get my family back? BJ can know his uncles and his grandparents. That would be wonderful. I sat quietly thinking about how different things could be this time next week while Zeke massaged my feet. If I could fix my relationship with my family, I will be content, but if I can’t, I am so very happy with Zeke, BJ, and Peanut. Either way, at least I will know.
Ezekiel
We walked into The Encounter Worship Center in Saint Louis. Zanetta’s uncle, Pastor DeLucas felt it would be the best location for the family meeting. I contacted him after Zora said that she wanted to meet with her family. Roman said it would be important to have a neutral party present to mediate. He knew he couldn’t be that neutral party because all he wanted to do was find the uncle and take care of him.
Zora shared her story with my brothers and Zanetta. As hard as it was to hear again, I held her hand as she said the same things to them as she said to me. It took so much control to listen to her tell me the details of what her uncle did to her. I wanted to walk right out of the house, find him and murder him. I hate that she had to experience all those things on her own. She’s mine now. I’m going to make sure no one ever hurts her again. Part of the reason why I wanted to have this meeting is that I want her to be able to close the door on her past. I want her to know the reasons why things went the way they did when she was growing up. I need for her to be whole for our family but most importantly for herself.
“Zora, Ezekiel, it’s good to see you both.”
“Hi Uncle JD.” Zora hugged him. I shook his hand.
“Come on in. Your family is already here.”
Zanetta refused to let Zora come to this meeting without her. BJ stayed behind at the hotel with my brothers. I didn’t know what we would be walking into. They were going to take him to breakfast and to the park to keep him entertained.
Zora, Zanetta and I followed Pastor DeLucas into the office. Zora’s mother and father were seated along with her three brothers. No one spoke as we took the seats across from them. Zora looks a lot like her father and her oldest brother Countee. No one else has blue eyes, but they all look related.
“We are going to have a quick word of prayer, and then we are going to get started.”
Pastor D said a prayer. He finished it with amen and spoke again. “We are here because Ezekiel called me and asked me to mediate a meeting between your family. If you don’t know, Ezekiel is Zanetta’s brother in law and him and Zora are expecting a child together. I have prayed a long time for this family’s reconciliation, and I believe that God is answering my prayer. The key is getting to the root of the problem and dealing with it. We can agree that one of the things that caused the division is when Zora left after graduation and cut off communication with all of you. I would like for you to start Zora. I would just ask that everyone, please let her say everything she needs to say without interrupting her. Everyone will have a chance to speak. Zora.”
I moved in closer to Zora and held her hand as she began to speak.
Zora
I cleared my throat and sat up straight.
I’d been so nervous about having this meeting with my family. I had considered all the worse outcomes. They could all tell me that they hate me. They could still call me a liar. They may listen but still not want anything to do with me. Zeke and Zanetta have kept me from flipping out every time I think about it. I’m glad we could schedule this meeting so quickly.
“Thank you, Uncle JD for being here. I wanted to have this meeting because I need to explain why I left home when I was seventeen. First, I want to apologize for the heartache I caused with my decision to leave.” My mother made a tsk noise with her throat like she could care less. I glanced over at her but continued, “I know now as an adult that it could have been handled better. It should have been handled better, but at the time, it felt like the only thing I could do.”
I braced myself to speak the next words out loud to my family. I felt Ezekiel scoot a little closer and Zanetta held my other hand.
I took a deep breath and said, “When I was fourteen years old, Uncle Humphrey started molesting me.”
My mother went into a whole tirade.
“Here you go with these lies. I thought we were coming here for you to finally say something that is not a lie but you don’t know how to tell the truth, do you?”
“First Lady, I’m going to remind you of what I said before. Please don’t interrupt Zora. Let her speak,” Uncle JD shut her down.
I continued, “Humphrey started molesting me when I was fourteen years old.” I looked over at my brothers. All three were watchi
ng me, waiting for me to continue. I didn’t have enough courage to look at my father. “When y’all would go to church and leave me alone in the house with him, he took full advantage of the time. At first, he would touch me inappropriately then he moved on to full penetration. He stole my virginity from me and made me clean the sheets that I bled on.” I fought so hard to keep the tears from falling, but it didn’t work. At this point, I had tears and snot running down my face. “He told me that if I told anyone they wouldn’t believe me. He told me that the boys didn’t care about me because they never come around to check on me. He said that if I did tell them that he would murder them in their sleep.” I heard Amiri release a breath and sit back in his chair. “He continued to molest me until it was time for me to graduate from high school. I missed my period, went to planned parenthood and found out that I was pregnant.”
Uncle JD shoved a trash can into my father’s hands just as he was throwing up. Uncle JD went into the bathroom and brought out a towel for my father to wipe his face. My dad didn’t look up from the towel as I continued. “I left after graduation with a one-way ticket to New York. I told one of the women that worked at my school what happened, and she made sure I got the abortion and set me up with a small job so that I could live in the dorms for the summer.”
I finished my last sentence, and the room was silent. I looked at my brothers, and each one was deep in thought. Countee pulled out his phone and tapped away for several seconds before he put it away and stared off into space.
“Do you have anything else you need to say, Zora?”
I nodded my head at Uncle JD.
“Like I said, this has all been a colossal waste of our time. She brought us here to tell lies and disgusting lies at that!” My mother spat while looking at me like I repulsed her.
