by Kari Gregg
“You didn’t shift, no. Your self-control is amazing, especially given your history.” He placed the lantern on my workbench. “But that discipline doesn’t mean you are ‘fine.’ Your ability to cope with anxiety, fear, and psychological pain in both your forms doesn’t make you ‘all right’ either. Functional isn’t synonymous with recovered or happy.”
I wrinkled my nose. “You sound like the human doctor.”
Shoving his hands into the back pockets of his blue jeans, Dio shrugged. “Dr. Bennet and I talked.” He pinned me with a steely glare. “Which is more than he could report about your session with him this afternoon.”
Guilty, I glanced away. “I spoke to him.”
Dio’s lips thinned. “Batman.”
My stomach lurched at the reminder of today’s earlier rebellion. “I—”
He yanked one hand from a pocket to slice the air with a frustrated wave, silencing me and my explanations. “I ordered you to cooperate with Dr. Bennet, and you defied me.”
I flinched at one more sign of my failure as an omega, but determination steeled my spine too. “I’m not a person to him. To them. I’m a test subject, no better than a lab rat.” My mouth pinched. “Would you open up to one of them? Share your most intimate feelings?” Anger burned in my gut, heated my blood. “You wouldn’t.”
Dio arched his brows, which disappeared under his hairline. “I’m not an omega under direct orders from my pack alpha—an alpha who is also mating that omega.”
Hunching my shoulders, I swallowed down my bitter rage as best I could. My skin crawled, my body shaking with anxiety. Because Dio was right. I should be better at obeying him. As an omega, I should crave it. Not for the first time, I mentally cursed whatever odd genetic blip prodded me to act against the nature being born with a womb should have created inside me.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said. “I got mad.”
His laugh startled me. “No, you’re not.”
I blinked at him. “What?”
“You aren’t sorry. You should be, but you aren’t.” Dio grinned. “You are the most confounding omega I’ve ever met.”
“Joth destroyed my womb. Maybe I’m not an omega anymore.”
“You are. Scent doesn’t lie.” Dio tapped his nose. “Scent tells me you’re ripe too. You may not be capable of carrying young. That remains to be determined, but your body has healed enough to signal alphas to mount you.”
I shuddered. “You’re the only shifter who ever wanted to.”
He walked to me. He crouched on the floor, dropping down to my level. “You hide. You avoid the others and run away when any of them approaches you.” He nudged my chin up with a finger until my gaze met his. “That isn’t a criticism. Your pack failed you in every way it is possible to fail an omega, and you’ve been fighting to protect yourself from further harm since. There’s no shame in that. None of them blame you. I don’t. But that doesn’t change the fact that I alone mounted you because I’m the only alpha you permitted to mount you.”
“If you’re worried about what Joth said, what he implied, don’t. He’s been with the humans too long.” I glowered at him. “You aren’t taking advantage of me.”
“Your brother doesn’t understand you or appreciate the strength you developed in the years since his attack.” Chuckling, Dio removed the finger under my chin to cup my cheek. “If you hadn’t wanted me, you would have shifted and run away like you have with everyone else in the pack who scented your ripening.” He chuckled. “If you felt cornered, you might have fought me.”
I snorted at that absurdity. Attack an alpha? As broken and unsuitable as I might be as an omega, I wouldn’t have dared to turn claws and teeth against Dio.
My brow furrowed.
Probably.
“Dr. Bennet and I agree. What Joth believes isn’t important. What the human doctor and I believe isn’t, either. What you accept as true is vital.” His lips quirked. “I’m glad you don’t feel I’ve taken advantage of you, but we think recognizing your own strength and independence in choosing me as your lover, however instinctive the choice might be, would be beneficial to you.” His eyes glittered with warmth. “You need to realize your power, rather than retreating into the desolation and despair that has become comfortable to you.”
But I didn’t have any power, never had. I glanced away.
“Nox?”
I hated talking. Why did everyone expect it so much? Talking to Joth, to the human doctors, and to Dio too? I craved my years of solitude, when I’d spent entire lunar cycles without passing a single word with anyone.
“It’s okay to be angry, afraid, and hurt.”
Jerking my cheek from his palm, I glared at him for that. “You threatened to punish me if I defied you,” I reminded him through clenched teeth.
“I did.” He reached for me again, refusing my withdrawal from him by tugging me close. “I was wrong.”
Shock arrowed through me. My jaw dropped. I gaped at Dio, who laughed. “I still want you to cooperate with the humans, but as frustrated as he was at your Batman routine, Dr. Bennet considered it a positive and promising sign. You’re acting and reacting of your own volition instead of merely being acted upon.” I blinked in consternation when he kissed me, a light peck on my lips, there and then gone. “As an adolescent wolf, you were already struggling with your identity as an omega when your brother attacked you and your experiences then twisted your understanding of what an omega is and should be. That isn’t your fault. With no omega parent or adult to mentor you, the emotional abdication of your father, and your pack’s failure to help you through the trauma, it’s small wonder you’re angry and confused.”
“I’m not mad.”
“No, you’re furious.” Dio forced his lips into a wooden smile. “As you should be.”
I wasn’t angry before. I wasn’t! But his words set off a firestorm inside me, rage blooming fresh and hot. “I should be docile and submissive. I should be devoted to the alpha mating me. Disobedience should be unthinkable.” I seethed as I listed my inadequacies, ending with my greatest failure. “I should be able to breed pups.”
Dio shook his head.
That just made me madder.
“Think. Remember. Did your mother and father ever argue while you were young? Fight?” When I jerked from his embrace, he simply dragged me back into his arms. “Of course, they did.” I squirmed but couldn’t escape the hand he smoothed up and down my spine to comfort me. “When was Kinessa born? How long had your parents been mated before your mother gave birth to her first pup?”
I glared at him. “She miscarried.” I recalled my mother’s sadness at those losses with perfect clarity. “Three times before Kinessa, once before my birth, and twice between me and Joth.” She’d given up breeding more children after that and after so many heartbreaks, who could blame her?
“Pregnancies are notoriously difficult for shifters, including omegas. But when did they start trying?” He shook me. “Years after your parents mated. Years.”
I yanked free and this time, scrambled away from him. “Stop.”
“You need a strong partner to help untangle the psychological knots you’ve tied yourself into, but you also need space to come to terms with who you are. My intentions were good. You need more than I alone can give you, and if you open up, if you let your guard down, I’m convinced no one is better equipped than Dr. Bennet to objectively help you sort through your feelings. I was wrong to try to force that, though.” He grimaced. “The human took me to task for it, said you rebelled against my misguided attempt to control you as much—if not more—than accepting him as your therapist. You need to be free to make those decisions, if nothing else to show you that you can. That you aren’t in any way inferior or lacking for asserting yourself.”
I crossed my arms over my suddenly roiling stomach. “Quit it.”
Lifting his hand in appeal, Dio shuffled toward me, halting when I scrambled farther in retreat. He sighed and let his arm drop. “I wo
uld prefer you meet with Dr. Bennet. He’s not bad, for a human.” He flashed a wobbly smile. “He’s also already familiar with your history, but if you would rather try someone else as your therapist—”
“He’s fine.” I despised him, but I could bear the trial of Dr. Bennet. After Joth and everything since the night of the murders, there wasn’t much I couldn’t put up with. “Do you want to fuck?” I didn’t, but if it got Dio to shut up, I was game.
Dio flinched.
Guess not.
But if he hadn’t come to my den to punish me or fuck me… why?
“Your brother was right about one thing. We as a pack and I as your mate aren’t taking care of you properly.” Dio’s glance swept my humble home, his nose wrinkling with his distaste. “You deserve better. You’ve worked hard and earned a lot more than you’ve been given. Farron and the others were content to leave you alone, believed you were happier that way, but they could and should have done more to make your life more comfortable.”
I frowned. “I’m comfortable.”
“You own two pair of pants. One pair of shoes.” He scowled at my razor and strop atop the crate. “You don’t even have indoor plumbing.”
I jutted my chin. “I could shower in my father’s house any time.”
“You won’t. That you think of it as your father’s and not yours is evidence enough.” He shuffled his feet. “As soon as the others realized you wouldn’t return to your childhood home, the pack should have stepped forward to make the den you’d selected habitable.” He lifted a silencing palm when I opened my mouth to argue. “That’s the tip of the iceberg. You should’ve had a share of food and other supplies—”
“Maise brings me stuff.”
Dio’s brows beetled. “Not just the necessary items you need to do your work. When was the last time you had an ice cream cone? Christ, Nox, you don’t have a phone. Our teenagers have phones, but not you.”
“Who would call me? And why would I call someone else? I don’t like talking to people.” I glared, pointedly, at him.
He snorted. “Your belief that phones are only for talking says it all.” He squared his shoulders. “We’re going to do better by you. I will.”
My shoulders slumped. “I like my life the way it is.”
“You like your rut, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Or healthy.”
I sniffed in disdain. “I thought you wanted me to make my own decisions.”
“Mates take care of each other.”
That’s what I was afraid of.
Chapter Five
Probably concerned I’d change my mind, humans rushed the medical tests. Which was both absurd and insulting. I’d promised to cooperate, hadn’t I? I was a wolf of my word. Days later, I had plenty of reasons for regret while a nurse escorted me to rooms filled with strange machines in a maze of hospital corridors that stank of antiseptic, sickness, and stress. Some of the stress was mine. I liked none of this, from the needles poked into my arm to take my blood for lab work to the thunderous ticking of the MRI machine, excruciating to my sensitive ears. Holding my breath when directed shouldn’t have been difficult, but my heartbeat rocketed with anxiety, discomfort, and edgy fear. My skin crawled at encroaching memories of the last time I’d walked these halls, hurt and grief-stricken after the loss of my family. I gritted my teeth, going away inside my mind every time the nurse led me to another sterile room.
Dio sent Asa to accompany me so I had two chaperones, a human for navigating the hospital and a shifter to help me cope. Humans gawked and eyed me suspiciously when he planted a palm at the base of my neck, soothing to me because the caress provided an anchor when I felt lost. Despite the disapproving looks the move attracted from humans who misinterpreted Asa’s attention as pushy and domineering, gratitude bloomed intense and overwhelming inside me for Asa’s silent steadiness. I couldn’t have managed alone. The technicians and nurses weren’t terrible. Everyone I met handled my tests and me with cool professionalism, although I scented a whiff of distaste from a few. They were the exception. Most of the staff smiled, praised me when I’d done well, and touched me with gentleness.
I just… couldn’t. The walls closed in on me. The smells turned my stomach. If not for my promise and Asa’s support, I would’ve run far and fast.
“The doctor wants to speak with you, no needles this time.” Stress grooved lines at the sides of Asa’s mouth despite the relative quiet of the waiting room into which a nurse had guided us. We both sat in cushioned chairs she’d indicated with a wave before leaving us. The restive greens and blues of the space, elegant lamps, and inspirational quote stenciled on the wall had no effect on Asa’s tense wariness, which had stretched thin these past hours.
“You’re lucky Dio insisted the humans make this as easy for you as possible by scheduling the tests on one day and quickly. Less stressful to your beast.”
“Less of a trial to you, anyway. True, I expected worse, but the towns don’t usually bother me.” At Asa’s arched eyebrow, I averred. “Not because I have to mix with humans at least.” I couldn’t argue meeting with my brother wasn’t upsetting. “I don’t trust them, but…” I shrugged.
“—you don’t trust anybody, human or shifter,” Asa finished with a scowl. “We’ve noticed.”
Approaching footsteps signaled Dr. Bennet’s appearance in the doorway. Instead of leading us to yet another office or room filled with noisy equipment, he nudged his glasses up the line of his nose and settled on a couch across from the chairs Asa and I had chosen.
“You look good.” He smiled and fidgeted with a tablet he carried along with a fat file folder. “Calm.”
“Told you I didn’t need Xanax.” I curled my mouth into a sneer. “I can control myself.”
Dr. Bennet wrinkled his nose. “As I indicated after the intelligence test at Westfield this morning, the sedative wasn’t offered because we suspect your control. Your discipline over your beast has been nothing short of exemplary and I daresay your alpha and pack would agree with that high estimation.”
Beside me, Asa nodded.
“It wasn’t about control, Nox, but your comfort,” the doctor finished.
“I’m fine.”
Asa snorted.
“Human medicines work differently for shifters,” I grumbled, still affronted by the slightest suggestion I might not be capable of handling myself appropriately in the towns.
Squaring his shoulders, Dr. Bennet reached into a pocket of his white lab coat, withdrawing a pair of prescription bottles. “That may be the case, but Xanax and Ambien cross the species barrier quite well.” He passed the pills to Asa. “Xanax for anxiety and Ambien if he has trouble sleeping. Directions are on the bottle, and I’ve added the side effect warnings to the files with his preliminary results on the flash drive nurses are prepping for the pack as we speak. If Dio has any questions, any at all, he has my private cell number.”
Asa shoved the pills inside a pocket for safekeeping. “I’ll tell him.”
I squirmed in my seat, irritation flaring bright and hot within me that once again my feelings on the matter were ignored while the human deferred to what Dio wanted. Then I frowned because, as my alpha, that was how our relationship was supposed to work. I should be happy with Dio making decisions for me. Not having to worry about which was the right choice should be a comfort to me.
If I was a proper omega.
That the high-handedness angered me was one more sign I was broken. Wrong. Swallowing down my ire, I glared at the human doctor and Asa both. “I won’t take the pills.”
“Just in case.” Dr. Bennet raised a palm. “We’re rushing our people, but final test results will still take a few days, perhaps as long as a few weeks considering we’re sending your scans to a shifter fertility specialist outside our network who agreed to consult. I don’t want you worrying yourself sick until then.”
Seriously? My brother had murdered my mother, Kinessa, and a human girl, gutting me in the bargain, and not once in
the years since had I required or wanted drugs to help me cope. I’d managed on my own and would continue to do so, thank you very much.
“No pills,” I said through clenched teeth.
Dr. Bennet tapped on the tablet. Awakened, the screen glowed. He shifted in his seat, swiveling to show me the charts he beamed at. “The good news is you’re as healthy as an ox.”
I shook my head. “I can’t breed.”
“Except for that.” The doctor sniffed in concern. “Not that sterility means you’re unhealthy. I realize your kind approaches fertility issues differently than we do, but shifters don’t ostracize childless couples. No, it isn’t your probable sterility that’s unhealthy, but your feelings of inadequacy because of it.” He flashed a smile full of teeth. “A topic for discussion during our next session. I’d like you to think about coming for those more often than weekly appointments. Your alpha said, if you handled today well, he’d consider increasing the frequency of your sessions. Ideally, I’d like to see you three times each week, but I’ll settle for two.” He arched an eyebrow. “For now.”
More therapy? I glared at him.
“Think about it. In the meantime, your blood panels are well within normal ranges for your kind. No signs of disease or disability beyond your reproductive system, which is remarkable given the initial assault did considerable damage to you internally, especially to your liver. You aren’t a drinker?”
I scowled, mouth clamped stubbornly shut.
“No,” Asa said in my stead, sitting up straight. “Until recently, he lived under his father’s custody, and Eritt was too afraid of scaring his surviving son away to push him into a less feral lifestyle. Nox primarily foraged off the land and accepted only minor intervention from the pack.”
