by ANDREA SMITH
He popped his head into the bedroom, he was already dressed and waiting.
“Ready, babe?”
“Yep,” I replied, smiling.
It was the first part of March and the hint of spring was in the air. It had seemed like a lifetime had transpired in the last six weeks. I was anxious to see Bryce, Grandma and my mother.
It seemed as if Bryce had grown inches when I saw him. He was running around, excited about all the attention he was getting. I figured Grandma had been spoiling him rotten since she had been here.
Mom immediately came to me, hugging me tightly to her. She seemed fine. Her pregnancy was showing.
“Oh, Lindsey,” she said, kissing my cheek, “I was so scared, honey. I am so very sorry for the way I behaved with you. Will you forgive me, please?”
“Mom,” I said, my eyes welling up, “there is nothing to forgive. You were under a lot of stress and you were ill; I understand that.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded. She immediately turned to Taz.
“Trace,” she said very solemnly, “I will never be able to show my gratitude to you. You saved my daughter’s life. I am convinced of that. How can I possibly thank you?”
“You just did, Sammie,” he said, giving her a warm hug.
“And what is this Slate tells me about you leaving the bureau? That’s crazy, Taz.”
My head snapped up immediately to look at Taz.
“What?”
My mother immediately realized I wasn’t clued in.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t realize.”
“Lindsey, I’ll tell you about it later when we’re at home.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon catching up. Mom was still mourning the loss of one twin, but she placated herself with the knowledge that the remaining baby was no longer at risk, and her pregnancy was going to be fairly normal from here on out.
She informed everyone that she carried another boy. Her due date was July 26th, close to my birthday.
Grandma announced that she had purchased a condo in Falls Church. She intended on spending more time with family. She was keeping her condo in Indy so she could spend time there when necessary.
She was now Chairman of the Board at Banion, and hinted that she was hopeful I would consider taking an executive position with the company upon graduation. The board had appointed an interim President and General Manager on a two-year contract.
I looked over at Taz, wondering how he felt about what my grandmother had offered. He smiled, pulling me closer to him. It seemed we had some things to discuss.
Grandma had prepared a feast for dinner. It was the first time ever that all of the people I loved were gathered at the same table. Grandma said grace, thanking the Lord for making her family once again safe.
When Taz and I got home, I knew it was time for us to talk. We had things to figure out. He was stretched out on his lazy boy with a game on when I came out in my pajamas.
I crawled up in his lap, cupping his chin in my fingers and kissing his lips softly.
“Can we talk?”
I felt him tense beneath me. He muted the television.
“Sure, babe.”
“Let’s start with your leaving the bureau. How is it that my mother knew about that and I didn’t?”
“It’s my decision to make, Lindsey.”
“I get that, Taz, but why didn’t you want me to know?”
“I wasn’t purposely keeping it from you.”
“Oh, bullshit,” I said. “What’s going on, Taz?”
He was angry now, not at me, but with the whole topic of the FBI.
“What’s going on is that I don’t think I can continue as an agent when my level of commitment to the bureau has significantly been affected.”
“Because of me?”
“Not because of you, per se, Lindsey, but because of what might have happened to you if I had followed procedure, which of course, I didn’t. You would have died.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I didn’t follow protocol. I took things into my own hands, representing the bureau while I did so. I obtained warrants by the grace of one sympathetic judge, and I didn’t alert my superiors as to my actions.”
“Superiors? As in Slate?”
“For starters, yeah.”
“So, are you telling me that you got into deep shit with Slate because you saved me?”
“More or less.”
I thought back to this afternoon. Slate had been quiet. There hadn’t been the normal banter back and forth between him and Taz.
“So, what does that mean?”
“It means I can accept a formal reprimand that goes into my permanent file, take a sixty-day, unpaid suspension and pretty much kiss my dream of going into the BAU good-bye or walk away. I am choosing to walk away.”
“I don’t understand this, Taz. The net result was that you saved my life, captured a fugitive from justice, arrested Kyzer and killed their plans to manufacture some sort of illegal amphetamine. I would think a commendation was more in order.”
“Baby, with the FBI it is black and white: the end doesn’t justify the means. It’s as simple as that.”
“But you believe in the FBI. It’s what you do, Taz. I remember you telling me the first time I was here about how much it meant to you.”
“You mean more,” he replied, simply.
“Oh, no you don’t,” I snapped, getting his attention. “You are not going to use me as your reason for walking away.”
I launched myself out of his lap and went to the bedroom. He was following closely behind.
“What the hell?” he said, his hands on his hips, staring at me.
God, I loved him but he was not going to put this on me!
“I love you, Trace. I love what you did for me. I’m fucking glad you broke the rules, because now I can stand here and tell you in person that I love you. But, you knew what you were doing at the time, and you knew that there would be hell to pay, so pay it.”
“What if I don’t believe in it anymore?”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. This is about your pride and you damn well need to admit it. I am not going to let you make me the reason you walked away from your career.”
He raked his hands through his hair as if I was infuriating him. The truth was he was infuriating me. He was acting like a spoiled kid that didn’t want to do the punishment that came with the deed.
“You just need to man up,” I scoffed, knowing that statement would royally piss him off. I didn’t care.
“What did you say?”
I looked up into his blazing green eyes and smirked. “You heard me.”
He started towards me with a look on his face. I knew the look and my butterflies surged.
He was going to show me how much of a man he was and I was ready. Taz and I had done nothing since my injury. I needed to know that he still found me sexy despite all that had happened.
He stopped in front of me, his face softening. He pulled me against him and stroked my hair gently.
“I’m sorry, baby girl,” he said softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you with this. The most important thing is for you to get well, okay?”
He’s not going to touch me again.
I nodded against him, feeling comforted but not sexy.
“Let me get you tucked into bed. I’ll be in after the game.”
He tucked me in, kissing my lips and turned the light out, going back to the living room. I knew he would come to bed later, when I was asleep.
This was the routine now. I realized the whole topic of sex had become taboo. I couldn’t blame him for being repulsed. I was damaged in so many ways.
CHAPTER 48
(TAZ)
I grabbed a beer from the fridge and settled back down in front of the television. There was a wall-mounted, flat screen in the bedroom which would be way more comfortable for me, but I couldn’t risk being that close to Lindsey.
Hell
, I wasn’t even sure what I was watching on television. It certainly held little interest for me.
All I could think about was her. The little shit had gotten in my face good this evening. She told it like it was, and she was right. All I had ever wanted to do was be an agent. I loved the bureau. It was my passion.
I couldn’t get past the part about Slate writing me up, though. I’m sure Sammie didn’t know, but even if she did, it wouldn’t have made a difference. He was obligated as my senior officer to administer disciplinary action, when required. I had clearly broken procedure even after he had warned against it.
Did I regret it? Hell, no. Would I do things any differently if faced with the same situation? Hell, no. Was it Slate’s responsibility to treat me the same as any other subordinate agent? Yes, it was.
I thought of how fired up Lindsey had gotten with me earlier, and I had to smile.
She had given me one of her haughty “I dare you” looks and I had nearly toppled on top of her to show her just how good I could man up. I had to remind myself that she was fragile right now. I couldn’t do anything that might trigger a memory of what that sick bastard had done to her.
Lindsey had made no overtures with me for sex. I knew she was self-conscious about the colostomy bag. The doctor had told me that we could resume sex. Kyzer hadn’t damaged her female parts. I just wasn’t sure how much other stuff he had done to her. She wouldn’t open up about it all. I worried that the sight of my dick might send her into hysterics. I was at a loss as to how to approach her. I decided I would let her set the pace.
I was bored with whatever was on the television so I shut it off. She was most likely asleep. I took a warm shower and dressed in some PJ bottoms and a tee-shirt.
I crawled in bed next to her, positioning myself on my side, and pulled her in against me. I was always careful to make sure my hand didn’t touch the area near her colostomy.
I felt her stir against me. She placed her hand on my arm.
“Taz?”
“Yeah, babe?”
“Why don’t you want to touch me anymore?”
I struggled to sit up. I turned the lamp on next to the bed.
She sat up across from me on the bed, waiting for an answer.
“Lindsey, sweetie, I want to touch you very much. I wasn’t sure how you felt about that. We haven’t talked about what happened to you.”
“Why do we have to talk about it, Taz? I just want to forget it, please.”
“I understand that, baby, but I’m not sure how you might react emotionally to the things that we do sexually.”
“So, you want me to rehash it for you, Taz? You want me to let you know that the promise was kept?”
“What promise?”
“The promise that Kyzer would never, ever touch my pussy? Remember?”
And I did remember. I remembered making her promise me that the night she became mine.
“Well, he didn’t touch me there, Taz. He raped me, but not there.”
“Lindsey - please.”
“No - you are hell bent on me talking about it so let me talk about it, okay?”
“He drugged me at the restaurant and somehow got me to Georgia in his private plane. I woke up in that dark, dank room that evening. He accused me of being a liar, and a prick-tease so he whipped me over and over again with his leather belt while Susanne watched. Then he shoved his dick into my mouth and made me suck him. Is that graphic enough for you?”
I was on my feet, pacing and raking my hands through my hair.
“Lindsey, stop.”
“No, Taz, I’m going to tell you everything. Susanne sucked his dick in front of me. He told her he was finishing inside of me. He rammed it into my backside over and over again. I begged and pleaded with him to stop, but he didn’t. I prayed for death in those moments, Taz. I would have welcomed death. I knew I was bleeding when I blacked out. I heard him say something about it to Susanne. They didn’t care. They left me there bleeding.”
She stopped for a moment as if gathering her thoughts.
“When I woke up I had been flipped onto my back. I knew I had wet myself in that bed. Kyzer and I talked; I bluffed him about that formula just so he wouldn’t torture me anymore and he didn’t. He knew I was burning up, but he left me. That’s all I remember.”
I went over to the side of the bed now. I dropped to my knees, burying my face into her lap. I didn’t want her to see my tears. I felt her fingers stroking my hair. It was my turn to tell her about that day and what it had done to me.
“I can’t get the picture out of my head when I found you that day,” I rasped. “It was so fucking quiet. You weren’t moving. I couldn’t tell if you were even breathing. I was paralyzed in fear, Lindsey; fear that I had lost you. Hardesty went over to check on you and I didn’t want him touching you, of seeing you. I moved him out of the way. I cut the ropes that tied you. I wrapped you up in the blanket so that no one could see what that fucking animal had done to you.”
She lowered her face and kissed my forehead, her fingers still combing through my hair.
“I remember at the first hospital the way the doctors rushed to stabilize you. I remember praying to God to please let you live, to not take you from me. If only I had gotten to you sooner, Lindsey. If only I had shared with you what I knew about Kyzer Stanfield, you would never have put yourself near him like that. It is my fault you went through all of this.”
“So, what? You’re going to continue beating yourself up, Taz? It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault. There are evil things in this world and I just happened across one. If you and I can’t get past this, then Kyzer will have taken more than he already has.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you won’t touch me, you avoid it. Is it because you think I’m dirty now? Because if so, I promise you, I have scrubbed my skin so hard it’s bled in places. If you can’t get past what Kyzer did, we have nothing.”
CHAPTER 49
I could tell by the expression on Taz’s face that I had hit a nerve with what I had just said.
He climbed up on the bed next to me, taking my hands into his strong ones, his thumbs rubbing my fingers.
“How can you think that, Lindsey? How can you possibly think I consider you damaged or unclean? I want to make love to you, baby girl. I just don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then let’s take it slow, Taz, but I need to feel your love.”
He pulled his tee shirt up over his head. I pulled my pajama top up over mine. We sat facing each other on the bed. His hands gently reached over, cupping my chin and pulling my face towards his.
We kissed, gently at first, and then allowed the passion to slowly mount. Our tongues explored each other as if it were the first time, as if it was unexplored territory.
His fingers softly caressed a breast, his thumb circling the nipple and bringing it to erection, then moving to the other. My hands were on his back, rubbing his muscles, his beautifully tattooed skin, loving the feel of him against me.
He pushed me back gently so that his lips and tongue could capture my breasts. He nipped gently at the nubs, his tongue circling them and making my skin tingle.
“Umm,” he breathed, huskily, “I want inside of you, baby girl.”
I raised myself up and he lowered my PJ bottoms. I still had my panties on, as I scooted off of him, so that he could lower his drawstring pants down and off. His erect shaft sprang free. I wrapped my fingers around it, lowering my lips to taste it. There was no memory of Kyzer at all.
This was familiar to me. My tongue ran the length of it up and down, back and forth. I swirled around the swollen head of his cock, loving the feel and the taste of him, because he was mine.
I heard his sharp intake of breath as my teeth gently nibbled the very sensitive area at the tip. I loved it that Taz had not been circumcised. Perhaps that was the reason there were no comparisons made between him and Kyzer.
I felt his fingers pushing the elastic leg of my panties as
ide to gain entrance. He gently plied the sensitive folds of my womanhood, bringing me waves of pleasure at his touch. This was hot. I felt him insert a finger and then the other. I was immediately wet for him. I moaned softly as his fingers hit my special place.
“I know, baby,” he soothed. “I want it, too.”
He lifted me up, and placed me over his erection. My panties pushed aside, gave him access to where he wanted to be. He lowered me gently down onto his erect cock. We were facing each other, my legs parted and wrapped around his hips.
I heard his soft, husky moan as he filled me with himself. I felt my muscles flexing, squeezing him instinctively. His hands were on my hips, raising me up and down the length of him. My hands were on his shoulders, my fingernails digging into his skin with the intensity of the pleasure.
I rode him up and down as he continued to thrust himself inside of me harder now. My fingernails dug deeper as I reached the peak and began the sweet, descent into my orgasm. He was right there with me, moaning my name, telling me how much he loved me.
We climaxed together, our lips once again finding each other as we rode it out, one pleasurable release after another.
Afterwards, I lifted myself up and off of him, and curled up next to him. Our skin was damp from our lovemaking. I traced his treasure trail with my fingers. His arms encircled me protectively. He kissed the top of my head over and over again.
“I love you, Lindsey.”
“I love you, Trace.”
I knew that from here on out, Taz and I would be fine.
I believed all of the ugly things that Kyzer had done to me would fade in time, just like the scars of his beating had faded. The love that had blossomed between Trace Matthews and me was too strong to be destroyed by that one awful day in Georgia. The day that Kyzer Stanfield tried to take something that was not his.
CHAPTER 50
Taz had sucked it up and after his sixty-day suspension, and returned to the bureau. I was relieved. It would not have gone over well with me if he had walked away from the career that he considered his life-long dream. Things between Taz and Slate seemed to be back to normal.
