by Leta Blake
All the animosity and bitterness seemed to have bled out of him as he’d held Leo’s hand under the tree on Halloween. Life was confusing. People made mistakes. Leo had made choices that didn’t have a happy ending, but there was no reason why there couldn’t be a new happy ending now. Well, no reason except for Leo’s fragile health.
All in all, he was so satisfied with his new Leo-involved life that Grant heard the nurses whisper about how weirdly happy he appeared lately, and it seemed to unnerve them in ways that made Grant smirk with delight.
But it was true. He was happy.
He wanted to keep on dating Leo, spending time with him, and watching Leo be effortlessly amazing. Leo was such a strong man, going through so much, but always with an amazing attitude and a smile for everyone—even Grant. Not to mention, always doing his best to be a good father. Grant found little not to admire in the man, though he did wonder sometimes where Leo got his money. Perhaps from a settlement with Curtis, who, as everyone knew, was bringing in millions ever since he starred in a big superhero blockbuster two years prior.
But Curtis Banks wasn’t something he and Leo discussed.
They talked about a lot of things, but they didn’t talk about the past, and they didn’t talk about the future, and they didn’t kiss. And, frankly, if Grant was going to keep dating Leo Garner, something had to give on that front, because he was having the kind of dreams he hadn’t had since he was fourteen years old.
Now seemed like a good time to bring it up. Sure, the movie they’d watched had been pretty stupid, but Leo’s warm body tucked in next to him on the old, soft sofa in Grant’s apartment had more than made up for the inanity as far as Grant was concerned. Plus, Lucky was hanging out with her grandparents, which opened up all kinds of possibilities, as far as Grant was concerned.
So when the credits flickered onto the screen, Grant’s heart skipped a beat as he tried to think of how to broach the topic of physical intimacy.
Leo sat up, stretched his arms, and picked up his cell phone, checking for texts. He used his thumbs to press in a reply to whatever he found there. “It’s from Dad. He says Lucky’s welcome to spend the night with them. She’ll love that. Dad’ll make her pancakes in the morning.”
“Pancakes?” Grant asked. He liked pancakes. In fact, it’d been a long time since he’d had homemade pancakes. He couldn’t even remember the last time, actually. Maybe never.
Leo smirked. “Yeah, pancakes. Why? Want to go spend the night with my folks, so you can have some, too?”
“Well, if that offer’s on the table…”
“Let’s leave my folks to Lucky,” Leo said. “You don’t cook much, do you?”
“I leave that to Alec. He feeds me.”
“Alec’s a good friend.” Leo smiled warmly at Grant and then bent close to nuzzle his cheek. The closest thing to a kiss they’d had yet. Grant’s heart beat faster. Leo went on, “I could come back in the morning and make pancakes for you, though, if you want. I could even teach you how. It could be fun.”
“In that case, why leave?”
Leo’s lips curved into a radiant smile, and he flushed, glancing up at Grant and then back down again. “It’s a little soon for that, don’t you think?”
“Is it?” Grant asked.
A month of whatever this was, and it was too soon? How long did it take to court Leo Garner?
“You haven’t even kissed me,” Leo said. “So, yeah, I’d say it’s a little soon.”
“I could remedy that.”
“Maybe you should,” Leo whispered huskily.
Grant leaned forward, and just as their lips were about to touch, Leo’s phone rang. “Tell whoever that is to—”
Leo flushed even more and fought a grin before picking up the phone.
“Hey, baby,” Leo said. “Did Grandpa tuck you in yet? You’ve got Sammy Spider? Yeah…uh-huh? Oh, I used to love that one, too. I called her Freckles. No, she’s a stuffed mare, not a donkey, silly. Okay, well, I love you, too. Sleep tight. Bye.”
As soon as Leo hung up, Grant took Leo’s phone and tossed it onto the coffee table. Then he leaned over and brushed his lips against Leo’s, the rush of heat in his stomach pulling him in.
Leo’s hands slid into Grant’s hair, and the kiss was amazing, hot, and sweet. When Leo pulled away, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he laughed in a stunned amazement. “Uh, this is a little fast.”
“Do you want to stop?” Grant asked.
Leo shook his head, breathing heavily but scooting away from Grant. His expression bordered on panicked, as though trying to get away from temptation, or fearing that Grant might drag him into a kiss again.
“Are you okay?” Grant asked. “We can stop.”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to stop, but…it’s a lot of things. Like, I’ve only been with Curtis. Ridiculous, huh? A gay man with only one prior partner? At my age?”
“Not ridiculous.”
“And, God, it’s just a lot of things, actually.” Leo rubbed his hands over his face. “Not you, though. No, you’re great. That kiss was great. And I—I sound like some silly uptight old biddy when I try to explain this, but I want to be careful. I want to be sure, you know? And conscious of the example that I set for Lucky.”
Grant stared at Leo, affection welling in him along with frustratingly true admiration for Leo’s old-fashioned earnestness.
Leo’s face changed from hot-embarrassed to hot-something else, though. His expression was tender, fragile even, and he looked at Grant with so much vulnerability in his gray eyes. “Understand?”
“I do,” Grant said, but he didn’t move. He didn’t pull away from Leo, just continued to sit there and look at him. “But why don’t you tell me more about it?”
Leo’s expression was one of relief mixed with a strange shame, and then he said, “Some if it’s because of my sister, you know?”
Grant shook his head but kept his face neutral. He didn’t know, but he’d like to. He wanted to know everything about Leo.
“Hannah never thought about how things affected me or my family. She was always a mess. Still is. And she’s Lucky’s biological mother, though, honestly, Lucky seems nothing like her. Thank God.”
“You aren’t like your sister.”
“I know. But, regardless, I don’t want to make things messy in my life, and then expect Lucky to just, you know, deal with it. It isn’t fair to do that to a kid.”
“No,” Grant said. “It’s not.”
“And Curtis and I have already made things messy enough for her. And I feel like, if I’m going to put her in that position where she has to deal with me being invested that way in a lover, then…” Leo’s voice was so quiet, so soft and intimate that Grant had to lean in a little closer. “Then I really need to know who I’m with. I need to know you, Grant.”
Grant turned that over in his mind. He took a long, slow breath, ran his hand over his hair, and said, “All right. How do we do that?”
Leo smiled.
“C’mon, school me,” Grant said, feeling warm and loose, almost like he’d been drinking, but all he’d had was the cola and some buttered popcorn.
It was Leo sitting there next to him, looking like warm vanilla, and somehow Grant was willing to open up a little, to stop resisting and just go with the flow. “How do we do this so Lucky isn’t at risk?”
“We talk a lot more. About real things, not just the superficial, easy stuff,” Leo said. “You know, you ask me things, and I ask you things, and we have a conversation.”
“I’m capable of that.”
“Good to know. Let’s test that theory.” Leo paused.
Grant shrugged and said, “Go on. Hit me.”
“Okay, tell me about your first love. You know all about mine—hell half the world knows about mine now that he’s in all those stupid gossip magazines. But when it comes to you, I feel like I’m missing out.”
Grant shrugged. His mind supplied him with flashes of Leo’s tear-stai
ned face telling him it was over six years ago. “Off the top of my head, I can’t say that I can think of anyone I’d call a ‘first love’.”
“Oh, c’mon,” Leo said. “Surely there was someone. A crush? A friendly acquaintance?”
Grant reached out for his cola as he said, “I dated this guy in college for a while. He thought I was going to be a successful surgeon bringing in big bucks, and I thought he had big hands. I think that was about the extent of the intimacy in our relationship.”
Leo’s brows crinkled. “That’s it? That’s…well, I’m sorry to say, but that’s pathetic.”
“It was a very deep, meaningful relationship. In bed.”
“Oh, I’m sure,” Leo said. “It was probably wrought with intensity and feeling, too.”
“Exploding with it,” Grant agreed, laughing softly.
Leo sighed, shifted a little, and his expression couldn’t contain his disappointment.
Grant swallowed hard and then relented. “Okay. I was sixteen. He was nineteen and we were in the same grade at school. This was not because of my incredible genius, which tells you all you need to know about his intelligence. We were in the same class because he wasn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.”
“Yeah, so you like ’em stupid?” Leo asked. “Should I be insulted?”
“No, I like ’em pretty,” Grant said as he settled back, gazing up at the ceiling, remembering the way Steven’s hair had fallen over his face in soft curls that should have been trimmed back. But Steven’s mother was dead, and his father never seemed to give a damn, so long as Steven wasn’t in the way of his alcoholic stupors. At least, that’s what Steven had said as Grant worked out the math problems for him and Steven copied the right answers into his notebook in his own handwriting.
“The neighborhood where we lived in Cincinnati was divided. The middle-class kids lived at the top of the hill, and Steven and I lived at the bottom. I don’t know why he talked to me at the bus stop, but he didn’t let the other kids pick on me, and I did his math homework in return. I remember he smelled like peanut butter all the time, and I thought I’d die of joy if I could ever get him to kiss me.”
Leo’s eyes shone bright with interest. “And did he? Kiss you? Ever?”
“No,” Grant said, shaking his head. “He was put in a foster home before the year was out and I never saw him again.”
Leo’s sad, soft noise made Grant remember the way one of the other boys had shoved him, spit on his books, and said, “Steven’s gone. He won’t protect you now.”
Grant had bent over then, crying out in pain, but it’d barely had anything to do with Michael Kurzac’s swift kick to his shins, and a lot more to do with knowing he’d never see Steven again.
“I barely knew him, but, you know how it is. Somehow I’d imbued the idea of him with everything that was good, if stupid, in the world. I suppose, if I had to say that anyone was my first—crush, I guess—maybe it was him.”
“What was his name?” Leo asked.
Grant paused, feeling strangely like he was handing something valuable to Leo, some kind of control that he hadn’t intended to give up. “Steven. Steven Hamilton.”
Leo smiled. “That’s nice. Thank you.”
Grant snorted, rolling his eyes. “Whatever. It was what it was.”
“So…you’ve really never been in love?”
Grant remembered two fevered kisses from six years ago, Leo’s hands in his hair, and a walk under the stars on Leo’s farm. He remembered the sensation of falling every time he got close to Leo, the anger that he’d tried to horde against him when he’d left, and the way that anger had mellowed in the face of him again. He also remembered what it had felt like to have that young hope, so barely kindled, utterly guttered by the sight of Leo and Curtis holding hands in the grocery store barely a week after Leo had called it quits with him. It’d been a blessing when Leo had left with Curtis for Los Angeles.
Grant pinched the bridge of his nose. “There was a guy once. I thought I might be falling in love with him, but he didn’t feel the same way.”
“What happened?”
“He got back together with his ex-boyfriend and moved away. And that was that.”
Leo swallowed and whispered, “Grant.”
Grant slapped his hands against his thighs and said, “So, now, it’s my turn?”
Leo still stared at him, his eyes like stars, and Grant wanted so much to kiss him again.
“Grant—” Leo started again.
“Come on. Quid pro quo.”
Leo acquiesced, but his eyes were still glowing, and Grant felt lighter just looking at them. “Okay, fine. Ask away,” Leo said.
“All right then, I’ve been wondering this for a while now. Why the hell did you name that poor kid Lucky?” Grant said. “She’s gonna get made fun of, you know.”
“Hey, it’s a cute name,” Leo said, offended.
“For a dog. Or a rabbit. Or a cute little stuffed snake.”
Leo rolled his eyes and laughed, sinking back into the sofa, licking his lips, and going distant, like he was remembering something fond and painful both. “Okay, so it’s a long story.”
Grant shrugged, took a swig from his cola. “I’ve got all night.”
Leo pressed his hands nervously against his thighs and then sighed heavily. “Okay, then. Well, Hannah was a mess when she had Lucky. She’d moved out to Los Angeles, too. Not too long after I did. She wanted to be in films. You know, the usual. At first, we were helping her, and Curtis was introducing her to agents and directors. Then we started loaning her money, just a little here and there to get by, but in the end, we realized she was blowing it all on drugs.”
Grant loosed a low grumbling noise.
Leo sighed. “I tried to get her help, you know? I mean, it’s not like I didn’t see how it happened. Drug use is rampant out there. But she didn’t want to change. I don’t know if it was the drugs or the boyfriend, but she wasn’t interested in making her life better. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. Honestly, I don’t know how long she knew that she was pregnant before Lucky was actually born. It was a shock to everyone.”
Grant had seen cases like that over the years: women too far gone into drugs or alcohol to notice their growing bellies until it was too late. He’d seen some messy and horrific attempts at illegal, late-term abortions from those situations, too. He was glad, for Leo’s sake, that Hannah hadn’t attempted something like that.
Leo went on, “Lucky was low birth weight, so small, and born strung out on drugs. We weren’t even sure she was going to be okay.”
Grant settled back against the sofa, tipping his head to rest it on the back, watching Leo carefully as he talked. He imagined little Lucky of the blabbing mouth and challenging eyes as a tiny infant detoxing in her hospital crib. His stomach tightened nauseously. Some people should never be allowed to breed.
“And then Hannah took off again, leaving Lucky in the hospital. Lucky was offered to Mom and Dad first, of course. But they were having money problems. Like they’re never not having money problems, you know?”
Grant lifted his brows a little but stayed silent. He figured if he said anything it would be wrong, and then Leo would stop talking, or he’d start talking about something else, and this strange melancholy moment would lift away. And if it did, Grant would have lost something precious. He knew that for certain.
“I mean, Mom and Dad would have taken her anyway. Don’t get me wrong. Of course they would have, but I was in LA, and Curtis had finally gotten to where his career was really taking off, and he was feeling good about himself and his opportunities. I was optimistic that maybe things would get better between us since he was doing so well, that we could make a family of our own, and build something really good.”
“Makes sense,” Grant murmured, not wanting to break the flow, wanting to stay right in the moment for as long as possible. Leo was so beautiful right now, with his skin still healthy and pink from freshly dialyzed blood,
and his eyes burning with warm heat in the low light. Grant could watch Leo’s hands move when he talked forever. The way they lifted and illustrated with gentle movements, the length of his fingers, and the elegant shape. Grant cleared his throat, focusing on Leo’s words again.
“So, I said we’d take her.”
Leo went quiet, and Grant sensed a struggle in him, as though he were weighing whether or not to reveal the next part of the story.
Leo took a breath and said, “Curtis wasn’t too happy about it at first. He said that he wasn’t sure he was ready, that he’d rather have waited, made the choice at a different time in our lives.” Leo cleared his throat. “I talked him into it. I mean, what was I supposed to do? There she was, this tiny little thing that my sister had abandoned, and I couldn’t just leave her there, Grant! I couldn’t just leave that little baby alone and hope they found a good foster home, or that my parents wouldn’t struggle taking care of her—” Leo was getting upset now.
Grant reached out a hand and put it on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. Grant made hard choices every day, but Leo was a different person, and Hannah was his sister, and Lucky was his niece. Family was important to Leo, and so, no, he couldn’t imagine that Leo would walk away from that. Grant would have been horrified if Leo had chosen to do anything different than he had.
“We fought about it. She was very sick, and it was awhile before we could bring her home anyway.” Leo sighed. “I’m sorry, you didn’t want to hear all of this. You just asked about her name.”
“No, I do. It’s fine. Tell me,” Grant said. He wanted to know all of this more than Leo could possibly understand. He wanted to know it so very much. He wanted to know everything about Leo.
Leo brought up one shaking hand to run through his hair. “Yeah, well, I’ll cut to the chase. Curtis eventually came around. I mean, she was so tiny, and kind of ugly, like a drowned kitten.” Leo laughed, remembering. “He’s the one who named her. We were arguing over the name. We used to argue over everything. Anyway, he wanted to name her after his mother, Harriet Roma was his preference. And I thought Marie Leona was nice—after my grandmother and me, since we were her blood.”
