by L A Cotton
It was confusing.
But there was no time to dwell. I had a show to prepare for, and seventeen thousand Black Hearts fans to win over.
The knot in my stomach tightened, my hands trembling.
“You need to find your pre-show ritual.”
“Ritual?” I frowned at Letty.
“Yeah, like your way to get in the zone. You know like Weezer playing frisbee or the Foo’s doing Jäger shots. I heard from a friend of a friend that Coldplay like to do this group hug thing before they go on stage.”
“We could hug.” I fought a smile as my shoulders lifted in a small shrug.
“You need to find your own thing.” Letty tapped her lips with a single finger. “Like naked rain dancing.”
“Naked... what?” Laughter rumbled in my chest. “You’re jokin’ with me.”
“Of course I’m joking, but it took your mind off the show, didn’t it?”
“Maybe that can be my ritual. You can make lame-ass jokes and distract me.”
“Hey, my jokes aren’t that bad.” My brow rose, and she flipped me off. “What song are you most looking forward to playing tonight?”
“I haven’t really let myself think about it. Since... well, since everythin’ happened, it’s like my brain is wired differently.”
“What do you mean?” Letty swung around, crossing her legs in front of her.
“How much do you know?”
“Only what Alistair told me. You had Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma?”
I nodded. “It was bad, really bad. I spent all junior year and most of senior year in and out of hospital. I lost my friends, my boyfriend... ex-boyfriend. My music. It took everythin’ from me. But I lived.” The words stuck in my throat. “I lived and I should have been so relieved and thankful...”
“But you don’t know why.”
The fact it wasn’t a question only confirmed what I already knew about Letty. She was perceptive and understanding and so darn easy to talk to. I found myself wanting to open up the floodgates and let it all out. Maybe it was because she was outside of it all. She hadn’t watched me go through it. She hadn’t seen me at my lowest. It gave her a perspective my parents and Molly didn’t have the luxury of having.
“I know I should feel grateful. I’m here, I get to live. I get to do all the things I always dreamed of. But the things I saw in hospital... the things I lost. The kids, kids who became my friends, who weren’t so lucky.” The word tasted bitter on my tongue, my heart clenching.
Lucky.
It’s how everyone thought I should feel, but I didn’t feel lucky. There wasn’t a single day that went by when I didn’t feel guilty. I was here and some other kids, kids like Cody, weren’t.
“And now I’m here, gettin’ to live out this dream, and I know it sounds stupid, but it doesn’t seem fair somehow.”
“Something like that changes you, Eva. It makes you question everything you thought you knew.” Letty gave me a warm smile. “And that’s okay. Not everything in life has a bigger meaning or a higher purpose. You survived because it wasn’t your time to go.”
Silence filled the space between us. I wanted to heed Letty’s words. I did. But it wasn’t that simple.
“You should tell them, you know,” Letty said quietly. “Before it comes out in the press.”
“Alistair said they’ll handle it if it does.”
I wasn’t ready to have my life plastered all over the press. I knew it was a risk, but Alistair had assured me and my parents that the PR team had some of the best staff in the country.
“I know what Alistair said, but all it takes is one journo looking to break the story of his career.” She gave me a pointed look. “The guys should know, Eva, and it should come from you.”
“I don’t want them to pity me,” I sighed. “I don’t want them to look at me and see the girl who survived when she shouldn’t have. Somethin’ like what I went through doesn’t only change the person, Letty, it changes how people see them.”
“Well, I see you, and I think you’re pretty damn awesome.” Her lip curved. “Just think about it, okay?”
“Okay.”
“They like you,” Letty said. “It’s hard not to.”
“Is that your way of sayin’ you like me?”
“You’re growing on me, country girl.” She stuck her tongue out at me. “Now, come on. No more distractions. You have a show to get ready for.”
I inhaled a shaky breath.
I could do this.
I could totally do this.
The noise of the crowd reverberated deep inside my chest as I took my place on the darkened stage. Some chanted Black Hearts, some called their names. Levi. Hudson. Damon… Rafe. They were close by, watching. I knew because they had been right there when Letty finally ushered me out of the dressing room. It warmed my heart, knowing that they wanted to wish me luck, despite Hudson whispering for me to, ‘break a leg’. Even Rafe had managed to offer me words of support.
I couldn’t find the words to tell them I couldn’t process anything they were saying. My heart was beating a little too hard, my palms were sweaty, and the roar of blood in my ears was like nothing I’d ever experienced. By the time one of the stage assistants pushed me out of the wings, I felt sure I would explode into a puddle of blood and guts.
The plan was simple. Me, my guitar, and my voice. Production had wanted something flashier, something more in keeping with the upbeat and chaotic staging of the band’s performance. But Alistair had given them their orders. I was to remain stripped back and low key. A stark contrast to the four guys currently burning holes into the side of my face.
The crowd grew fractious, anticipation crackling in the air like lightning bolts. The lights were my cue. Until they blazed down on me, I was just a girl hiding in the shadows. It was impossible to make out anything other than the sea of Black Hearts fans. For those few seconds, I soaked up my last shreds of anonymity. Knowing I was standing on the precipice of something life-changing.
I adjusted my guitar and moved closer to the mic. Production had also wanted me to play something newer, but there was no way on Earth I was giving up my Gibson. She was a part of me. An extra limb I was lost without. The lights came up, blinding me, but it was nothing compared to the noise. A surge of adrenaline shot through me as I grabbed the mic and said, “Hello, Charlotte. I’m Eva Walker and I’m goin’ to play some songs for you. I hope you like them.”
I didn’t think.
I didn’t hesitate.
I just played.
My fingers swept over the frets as I closed my eyes and sang.
* * *
The days roll by and the clouds set in,
And it feels like I don’t know where to begin
* * *
The seconds tick by and time moves on
And it feels like I don’t know who I’ve become
* * *
I clutch my heart, I beg it to beat
I pray for a sign that I’ve got what it takes
To be the girl I know I can be
To dig deep inside and let myself be free
‘Cos I’m just a girl with the devil on her shoulder
Don’t know which road to choose but I’m not lookin’ back
* * *
Yeah, I’m not lookin’ back... no, no, no
* * *
The arena fell into silence as my last note drifted into nothing. I felt breathless, and hot and sweaty as if I’d run a marathon. My lungs burned in the best kind of way and my skin hummed with adrenaline, every hair standing to attention. It almost didn’t matter the audience was quiet.
Almost.
I frowned, the immense high slowly giving way to a soul-crushing sense of dread. But what did I expect? What had Alistair and the label expected? Fans of a band like Black Hearts Still Beat didn’t want some country talent show contestant up on stage. They wanted dirty-mouthed, lawless rock stars.
Knowing I had no choice but to finish my set, I grabbed the mic just
as I’d done earlier during sound check and took a deep breath. But I never got the first word out. The roar of the crowd hit me like a powerful wave.
They were applauding.
Seventeen thousand people were applauding… for me.
An involuntary smile tugged at my mouth as I scrambled to get my head around the fact they were cheering for me. “I know y’all came out here to see Black Hearts tonight,” the noise hit another level, raising the roof on the Spectrum Center, “but I’d really like to play you a few more songs, if that’s okay?
“This one is called Look For Me and it’s about my best friend Molly. Love ya, Mols.” I was going off script but I couldn’t help it. It was like the audience’s energy fueled me and I wanted more.
I wanted it all.
And for the next thirty-five minutes, I got it. With every song, I flourished. I became more confident interacting with the audience, almost floored when they sung the chorus back to me of my cover of Sweet Child O’ Mine. By the time I bounced off stage, I was smiling so wide my cheeks hurt.
“Holy shit, Eva,” Letty rushed over to me, “that was freakin’ amazing.” She pulled me into a hug. “You did it, girl, you really did it.”
Laughter bubbled up inside me, spilling from my lips. She was right. I had done it, and it felt amazing. It felt more than I could have ever imagined.
It felt like I was supposed to be there, up on stage.
“Country, get over here.” Levi crooked his finger at me, and Letty chuckled.
“They’ve been chomping at the bit for you to come off stage.”
“Was I that bad?” I smirked, and Levi snorted.
“I fear we’ve created a monster.” He closed the distance between us with his easy swagger. “You did good, Angel. Real fucking good.”
“Yeah?” I grinned back at him.
“Yeah, just don’t let it go to your head, not too much anyway.”
“Great set, Eva,” Damon added. “But now you get to watch how the pros do it.” He winked.
“Get the hell out of here,” Letty said.
“Hey, where’s Rafe and Hudson?” I asked, noticing they weren’t here.
“Already doing their thing.” He pointed to the stage and I could see them helping the roadies get their instruments set up.
“Tell Hudson I said, ‘break a leg’.”
Damon roared with laughter and disappeared onto the stage. They had fifteen minutes until lights up. Fifteen minutes for me to catch my breath and watch their show. I needed to pee, get a drink, and catch my breath, in that order.
But first, I’d allow myself another minute to enjoy the high.
Because everyone knew after the high came the low.
Rafe
The crowd was electric. I’d had my doubts about Eva opening for us, but I didn’t need to worry. They had lapped up song after song. But it was when she sang her cover of Sweet Child O’ Mine that things changed. Eva had held the fans in the palm of her hand for eight songs, but that was the moment they fell for the girl with pain in her eyes and music in her soul.
I’d watched her from the wings. Watched as she came alive and found her rhythm. She was a natural with the crowd, talking to them as if they were old friends. It was no surprise Alistair looked like the cat who got the cream. This was all part of his master plan, and step one had gone off without a hitch. Well, minus the story about Eva in the local paper this morning. But that would all be long forgotten when her name was splashed over every music and entertainment column across the country tomorrow.
“Hey, Charlotte, are you ready to rock?” My brother elongated the last word, letting it roll off his tongue slowly. Seductively. The crowd went wild as Hudson dropped the opening beat of one of our most popular songs Blood Runs Thicker.
I glanced off to the side, where our team stood. Eva was watching us, her eyes big and full of wonder. I wanted to tell her how amazing she’d been, how fucking proud I was of her. But I knew they were words I would never say. Not if I wanted the tour to go smoothly, for all of us. So I played. I strummed my guitar hard and fast letting out all the frustration and tension I felt. I played until sweat rolled down my back and my heart pounded in my chest. Until my breathing was ragged and my fingers were sore.
Yet, it still wasn’t enough.
I felt like I was chasing a high I couldn’t quite grasp.
After six songs, Levi took a breather, grabbing a bottle of water and chugging it down before emptying the rest over his head. He shook it out, sending water droplets spraying everywhere. Damon laughed, Hudson too. Even I managed a smile. It was hard not to when we were on stage together, doing something we all loved. Something that bound us together.
Something that had saved us.
“I think it’s time to switch it up a little,” Levi said over the mic. “You all met our good friend Evangeline earlier.” The crowd exploded. “Well, how would you like to get her out here to perform with us?”
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
We hadn’t discussed this.
We hadn’t even contemplated having Eva join us on stage. It was one thing for Levi to get her on stage in some small downtown club, but to bring her on stage now... I searched for Alistair in the wings, half-expecting him to look shocked or pissed. But he didn’t. He looked smug. There was no way he was in on this, was he?
I didn’t know what the hell to think anymore.
Alistair looked like a man who was watching his greatest plan unfold while Eva looked ready to puke at any second.
“It would seem Eva’s gone all shy on us.” Levi smirked at her across the stage. “She might need a little persuasion. Can you help me out? Eva, Eva, Eva...” Levi’s voice filled the air but soon it wasn’t only my brother chanting, it was the whole arena.
“Get out here, Country,” Levi chuckled. “We’ve got a show to get on with.”
Eva stumbled on stage looking like a deer caught in the headlights, guitar cradled in her arms.
“Don’t look so worried, Angel. I don’t bite.” Levi crooked his finger at her. I wanted to grab her arm and shield her from his madness, to protect her from his games and showboating. Or at least pull her to one side and ask her if she was okay with this. But Alistair was right. She’d signed on for this. She knew what my brother was capable of, and now she had to bear the consequences.
A stagehand ran on with a stool for Eva. Levi said something to her off mic and she nodded.
“Let me tell you something about this girl. The first time I met her, she had the balls to challenge me to a sing-off. Me. Levi fucking Hunter. Can you believe that?” The audience heckled but Levi continued, “So we sang. We sang and it was fucking magic. Some people say country and rock don’t belong in the same sentence together. But to the skeptics I say, this is how it’s done; and to the haters I say, go fuck yourselves. Because you’re about to see magic happen. What d’ya say, Angel, ready to make magic with me?”
There was something about his words, the way he couldn’t take his eyes off her that had my blood boiling. Eva was here to fix our reputation. She wasn’t here to be Levi’s personal plaything. But he was standing there, looking at her like she was his new favorite shiny toy.
And Eva?
Well, she was either a great actress, or she was falling for the Levi Hunter charm, hook, line, and sinker.
I watched on, not quite able to believe what was happening, as Levi indicated for someone to bring him a stool too, and the two of them sat there and sang another stripped back version of one of his favorite classics.
By the time they were done, Eva looked radiant and Alistair wasn’t the only one who looked like the cat who’d got the cream.
Forty minutes later, the lights dimmed, and we finally jogged off stage. “Well done, everyone.” Alistair was there to greet us. “That was fantastic.”
“Fantastic, Ali boy?” Levi snorted. “It was fucking epic.”
“It was good, Levi, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. And we need to talk a
bout this thing with Eva.”
“Yeah, yeah,” my brother barged past our manager, “we can talk later. I need to eat.”
Damon caught my eye and frowned. I shrugged. Eating was better than getting high or letting off steam inside a bottle of Jack.
“Hey, where’s Letty and Eva?” Hudson asked Alistair who was shooting daggers at my brother’s retreating form.
“They went back to the bus.”
“Already?”
“Something about Eva feeling overwhelmed. I didn’t ask.”
That annoyed me for some reason. Alistair was supposed to be looking out for Eva.
“I need a shower and then I could eat, I guess.” Hudson pulled his sweat-soaked t-shirt off his back and balled it up to wipe his face, taking off down the hall.
“Don’t wander too far, we need to be on the road tonight.”
“No problem,” I said. Damon gave us a nod and disappeared down the hall leaving the two of us. “Levi’s stunt could have backfired tonight.”
“You saw the crowd, Rafe, they lapped it up.” I saw the cogs turning in Alistair’s expression. He didn’t like that Levi had gone off script again, but he knew it had paid off.
We all did.
It didn’t mean I had to like it though.
“Is there something you want to say?” His eyes narrowed.
“Nah, I’m good. I’ll make sure the guys are on the bus within the hour.” I took off toward the dressing rooms. I couldn’t trust myself to be around Alistair right now, or my brother. But when I passed Eva’s room and heard tears, I couldn’t think about anything but checking she was okay.
Slipping inside, I closed the door and turned the lock. “Eva?”
