by Lori L. Otto
“But you’re worried?” I ask him. Obviously, he must be, if he bought this.
“No,” he reiterates. “I’m not. It’s just... I don’t know, it’s just a reality these days, Livvy, and this is exactly the situation this product was made for.”
“No, it’s not a reality,” I correct him. “People lived for thousands of years without needing a morning-after pill–”
“Right, because there were back-alley clinics that would be happy to risk a mother’s life while aborting a child with a coat hanger. Who needs a pill?”
“That’s crass, Jon. That’s awful.”
“I’m sorry, but it’s true. People have been... you know...”
“Terminating pregnancies since the beginning of time? It’s as common as breathing,” I say sarcastically.
“That’s not what I’m saying.” He takes the box and puts it back into the bag. “Let’s not fight about this, okay?”
“I don’t need it, though, do I?” I’m still not sure what to make of it.
“I don’t think so,” he says softly. “I just want you to have a choice, that’s all.”
“I don’t want to make that choice,” I say, my voice elevated. He angles my face to his and tries to comfort me with a smile. “What would you do?”
“I don’t want to tell you what to do. And honestly, I wouldn’t ask what you decide to do, Livvy. I don’t think you can possibly be pregnant,” he says, and I swear I hear his voice waver on the last word, “so in my mind, you never have to take it.”
“So you’ll leave me with the consequences, and the wondering, and the guilt? That’s not fair!”
He lifts his eyebrows as his eyes wander around the garage. “I never thought of it that way.” He takes my hand and weaves his fingers between mine. “You’re right. What would I do?” he asks softly.
“Yeah. What would you do, if you were me?”
The corners of his lips point downward as he shakes his head. “I wouldn’t take it.” He clears his throat, sounding choked up, but he stays perfectly composed. “It’s my opinion that a child is never unwanted in this world, even if its parents choose to give it up. If my dad had his way, and acted on his gut instinct, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
I tuck my chin into my chest, and he hugs me close to him. He kisses the top of my head, rocking us. “But that’s just what I would do.”
“Did you need your car, Miss Holland?” the garage attendant asks, taking advantage of the silence between me and Jon. Panicked, I grab the bag and get up, wanting to escape the eyes and ears of anyone who knows me. Jon follows me out of the garage after telling the man ‘no.’
“How much do you think he heard?”
“Nothing. I was watching, Olivia. No one was around. He just walked up.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive.” He puts his arm across my shoulders, and we walk slowly up the street. “You don’t have to decide now,” Jon continues. “The instructions say it’s effective for up to 72 hours after... so you’d need to decide by Wednesday afternoon.”
“We’d need to decide.”
“I’ll support your decision, either way.”
“What if I don’t take it, and I am?” I ask him pointedly.
“I’ll support you, Olivia.” He stops walking and turns my body toward his. “I love you, okay?”
I nod, but start to cry, grabbing my nervous stomach.
“Shhh... don’t do that, it’s fine,” he says, his voice light. “I think we’re making something out of nothing.”
Across the street, the first lunch bell rings. I look at him, and I can’t help but smile at him. It’s about the worst thing that could happen to us, but knowing he’s with me makes me feel better anyway. He wipes two tears from my cheeks, then leans in to kiss me. “I don’t think you’re pregnant,” he whispers.
“I don’t think I can take it,” I tell him back. “The Plan B, I mean.”
“Okay,” he says.
“Really?”
“I’ll support your decision. You and I, Liv, we’re bigger than this situation. Whatever happens, the two of us are going to be just fine. Together.”
I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him again. “Can you come over tonight?” I ask him, hoping we can talk about it some more. We start walking back toward the entrance of my school.
“I can’t. I missed my lab this morning, dealing with all of this,” he says. “There’s another session that I can go to tonight. I have to do it if I want to pass my quiz on Friday. Tomorrow, though. I’ll come over as soon as class is out.”
“Don’t come over. Let’s meet somewhere.”
“I’ll meet you at school. We can figure it out from there.”
“Okay,” I say, quickly pulling out all of the medication he’s given me and putting it in my purse. I give him the gift bag back.
“But I’ll call you after my lab. Try not to worry about it, though, okay?”
“Right,” I huff as I reach the gate. “I’ll try,” I tell him softly. “You either.”
“I’m not worried,” he says. His voice sounds confident, but his eyes look unsure. He pulls me back to him once more for a kiss, and he tells me he loves me again.
“Love you, too.” We start to walk away from one another, releasing our hands at the last second. I don’t turn around. I don’t want him to see me start crying again, because the tears are heavy and fast. I barely make it to the nearest ladies room before I burst into a fit of sobs.
After school, Camille is nowhere to be found.
“Where were you during lit today, Liv?” Finn asks, hollering loudly down the hall.
“The clinic,” I tell him. “I had a headache.”
“You missed it,” he says, laughing. “We got Mr. Franco good.”
“The desk prank?” I ask him. My classmates had been plotting it for weeks.
“Yeah. He was pissed.”
“Gee, didn’t see that coming,” I say sarcastically. “Hey, you haven’t seen Camille, have you?” I ask him.
“Actually, yeah, I caught up with her earlier to ask about you.” I glare at him. “She said you’d meet her here. I had to tell you about the prank!”
“I don’t care about it, Finn,” I tell him. “Is she coming?”
“No, when she found out I wanted to talk to you, she said she’d just go home. Said she wasn’t in the mood to talk anyway.”
“That makes two of us,” I say with a sigh, peeling away from the wall of lockers and starting toward the exit.
“Wait,” he says, grabbing my arm. “There’s a reason you should care about the prank,” he says.
“Why?”
“Because we got in trouble, and we got homework... it’s due tomorrow.”
“That sucks, Finn! I wasn’t even there,” I whine. “What do we have to do?”
“We have to memorize a dialogue or soliloquy and perform it tomorrow for the class.”
“I’ll do a soliloquy,” I say, irritated. “What are the instructions? Any specific author?”
“Sorry, but I signed us up for a dialogue.”
“Finn!”
“What? I can’t do a soliloquy! I need someone to feed me my lines.”
“Why me, Finn?” I say, turning around dramatically.
“No one else would partner up with me,” he says. I laugh at him. He’s one of the most popular guys in school, but even his popularity can’t convince people to pair up with him on scholastic projects. It’s not that he’s not smart–he just has no sense of urgency and has a hard time focusing.
“What are we doing?”
“I picked something easy,” he says. “I think. Romeo & Juliet.”
“Oh, good lord. Can you be more cliché?”
“I could try,” he says.
“Let me guess, the balcony scene?”
“You’re good!”
“Did you even read it?”
“They fall in love and die, what’s to read?”
“Great.”
I turn around and start stomping toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
“The library, I guess,” I tell him.
“Kaydra has the book. Multiple editions, actually. I called and asked. Let’s just go there.”
“Fine,” I say, continuing to walk as he catches up with me.
“Give me a ride?”
“You can have a ride there, but you’re on your own to get home.”
“You’re in a mood today,” he says as we walk to the parking garage. “Still have a headache?” he asks.
“You’re my headache now.”
“Ouch... hey, why’d you tell Jon?”
“Because I don’t keep secrets from him,” I mumble. “Relationships 101.”
“Miss Holland,” the attendant greets me again. It’s the same man who was here earlier. “Now would you like your car?”
“Yes, please.” Finn and I sit on the bench Jon and I had been sitting on after lunch, waiting for my car.
“He was a dick to punch me.”
“You’re a sissy to even bring it up,” I tell him. “It was more of a poke than a punch. And he’s going to really enjoy hearing that you volunteered us to perform a love scene in front of our class tomorrow.”
“A love scene? I thought that was when they offed themselves.”
“Idiot,” I mumble as my car pulls up. I get in the car and start to drive off without unlocking the passenger door. I can hear Finn yell, and it makes me laugh a little. I press the button, allowing him to get in the car after he catches up to me on foot.
“What is wrong with you today?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I say unconvincingly. “I just have a lot on my mind, that’s all.”
“Did you and Jon have a fight? Camille says you met him after lunch.”
“Of course not,” I say. Not really anyway.
“Anything you want to talk about?”
“Nope.”
“Okay.”
“Hey, can you call my dad and let him know where we’re going? My phone’s in the side pocket.” I shove my purse toward him, keeping my eyes on the traffic in front of me. “And Kaydra knows we’re coming?”
“Yeah, she–what the hell, Livvy?”
“What?” I turn to see him holding up the Plan B box. “I said my phone was in the side pocket!” I exclaim, smacking him hard in the chest. “I didn’t give you permission to go through my purse, you ass! Just... just put it back, Finn!” My face must be the color of my brick red shirt at this point.
“I know what that is,” he says, tucking it back in slowly. “Are you?”
“No!” I say quickly.
“You don’t know,” he says. “That’s why you have this. Because you don’t know.”
“There’s no way,” I reaffirm, but I know I don’t sound convincing.
“Then why is it in here? You’re planning to have an unplanned pregnancy?”
I glare at him, pursing my lips. I feel the lump return to my throat, and I look away before he can see the tears start to well up in my eyes.
“No, no way,” he says. “I know Jon. He doesn’t mess up,” he says. “That guy’s careful about everything, especially where you’re concerned.”
“I know he is. He always is. We’re always careful.” My voice wavers as I talk.
“Then why is this in here? Who’s it for?” Why didn’t I think of that!?
“Clara,” I blurt out.
“Liar,” he says. “You wouldn’t get that upset over it if it was Clara’s.”
“Fine, it’s mine, Finn, okay? But I don’t need it, so just drop it!” I swipe at a tear, unable to hide it from him.
“Okay, okay,” he says calmly.
“And don’t say anything, please.”
“I won’t, Liv.”
“Can you call my dad now, please? Just tell him what we’re doing.”
“Yeah, sure.” Their conversation is brief, and Finn relays my dad’s message once he hangs up. “Just be home by eight,” he says, “and don’t make any trouble for Kayd.”
“Right,” I whisper. Don’t make any trouble for Kaydra, my aunt who’s eight months pregnant. Pregnant. My stomach drops again.
“Do you need a minute?” Finn asks when we reach Kaydra and Steven’s apartment. I shake my head, gathering my purse and books before getting out of the car. Finn opens the lobby door for me.
“Don’t be too much of a gentleman,” I mutter. “They’ll know something’s up.”
“Shut up,” he laughs weakly.
Our younger twin cousins sit in the living room, watching television while Finn and I read over our lines. We don’t have to read the whole scene, which is a relief–especially because Finn can’t even seem to remember his first two lines. The show Stevie and Danny are watching keeps distracting Finn.
“Kaydra, can we use one of the boys’ rooms? Finn’s ADHD is flaring up.”
“Sure,” she says. “Danny’s is much cleaner,” she suggests. I stand up, pulling Finn’s shirt until he stands up with me, following me into my cousin’s room.
I’ve read this scene many times, and the words seem to come easily to me, as if they were written to go together. Finn struggles, though, disinterested by the material and notoriously bad at memorization. I create some pneumonic devices in an effort to help him remember the first letter to each line of the first stanza. I don’t know how else to help him. In the end, we decide that I’ll mouth the words with him, guiding him along. It won’t affect my grade, and he really doesn’t care about his. We both read silently. At least I do, anyway.
“Little Liv?” my uncle calls out to me when he gets home. “Finn? I brought dinner.” My stomach hasn’t calmed down from earlier, and I don’t have any desire to eat anything.
“You go on,” I suggest. “I’m not hungry.” Once Finn leaves the room, I pull my knees into my chest and duck my head to block out my surroundings.
“Livvy?” my aunt speaks softly from the doorway. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” I laugh, looking up, my eyes instantly drawn to her bulging belly. My stomach feels even worse now. Kaydra walks in, sitting on Danny’s bed.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lie, looking away. I don’t want to see her in her current condition. I don’t want to be reminded of my problem. I think about excusing myself and going home, but I know Finn and I need to practice a little more.
“He said you were having some Jon problems.”
“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, Kayd. Jon and I are fine.” I shrug my shoulders, feeling more tears coming. I duck my head quickly, knowing she’ll realize I’m crying but not wanting her to see me anyway.
“What’s the matter?” she asks, her hand rubbing my shoulder gently. “You can talk to me.”
“No, I can’t,” I mutter. “There’s nothing to talk about anyway. I haven’t been feeling well all day and I just want to go home. This stupid homework assignment was punishment for a stupid prank I had nothing to do with,” I complain angrily. “Stupid Finn.” I know it wasn’t his idea, but his influence convinced the rest of my class that it was a good idea–even though it wasn’t. “No offense,” I add.
“None taken,” she says. “He’s got a mind of his own. I don’t know who he takes after. Certainly not my brother, that’s for sure–oh,” she exhales suddenly. I look up to see her grasping her stomach. “This baby is ready to come out,” she laughs. “I’m ready for it, too.”
“Is she kicking?”
“Oh, yeah. All day. Do you want to feel?”
“No,” I answer quickly–too quickly. “I, uh... I mean, sure.” I turn around and put my hand on her swollen belly. She moves my hand a little lower, pressing it against her firmly. I feel quick, definite movements underneath my hand. I draw back suddenly, feeling nauseous, like I’m going to throw up.
I don’t want that.
“I have to go, Kaydra,” I tell her as I gather my books. I keep my face angled downward,
then away from her, not wanting her to read the fear and shame on my face.
“Okay,” she whispers as I leave the room as quickly as possible.
“Where are you going?” Finn asks.
“Home,” I tell him. My voice cracks as I say it. I avoid eye contact with him, too, making a beeline to the door.
“Little Liv?”
I ignore my uncle, slipping out the door as fast as I can. I start running down the three flights of stairs, not turning around when I hear Finn calling to me from outside Steven and Kaydra’s apartment.
I heave in the bushes the second I exit the building. My light lunch and lack of dinner didn’t leave anything for my stomach to empty, but the urge to throw up is still there.
I cross the street to the lot my car is parked in, feeling dizzy and knowing I can’t drive. I find my Audi anyway, getting in and turning on the air conditioner full-blast. I roll down my window, still feeling the bile in my throat. Leaning my head against the steering wheel, I sob, feeling scared and alone.
“Hey.”
“Finn!” I jump, startled by his sudden appearance.
“Did you throw up?”
“Yes,” I say weakly. “I feel like hell and yes, I threw up.”
He tries to open my door, but it’s locked. “Open up,” he says.
“No!” He reaches his hand through the window, pulling the handle from the inside. “Finn, please just leave me alone.”
He opens the door and squats down next to my car, putting his hand on my knee. “It’s okay, Livvy. It’ll be okay.”
“No, it won’t,” I cry.
“You don’t think it’s, like, morning sickness?” I’m pretty sure my heart stops beating for a full ten seconds. “I mean, it doesn’t happen that fast, does it?” No way. There’s no way. But now that he says it, I’m sure that’s what it is.
“Oh, god,” I sigh, leaning into him. He puts his arms around me and lets me cry against him. He doesn’t say anything, and neither do I. I just hold on to him tightly, thankful that he’s here with me.
A few people approach my car, asking Finn if everything’s okay. He assures the strangers that we’re fine as I keep my head tucked into his shoulder, hoping no one recognizes me.
“Let me drive you home,” he offers.
