by Lori L. Otto
“I’m sorry, Matty.” Emi squeezed my hand and offered me her wine. I laughed at the gesture, but took a sip from her glass anyway.
“I wish I hadn’t been so scared of who I was. Jamie was a great guy. He never forgave me.”
“So it’s safe to say you wish your first time had been with someone you loved?”
“It’s pussy and sentimental, but yes. It’s safe to say that.”
“I feel the same way,” she’d told me.
“You wish Jacks had been your first?” I had asked her.
She smiled sheepishly, and I remembered that there had been someone else in her life before my brother. “He would have been one of two valid options.”
“Right,” I’d laughed.
“I didn’t know Jacks until college. I’d already had some unresolved feelings for Nate. I mean, I didn’t know what I felt for him, but I cared about him. I even think I loved him, even though it didn’t always feel, like, romantic. But I knew he cared about me… and I would have liked my first time to have been with someone who really cared about me. The guy I picked wasn’t terrible, but I wasn’t really a priority to him.”
“Why are you telling me this, Emi?”
“If I tell you this, you have to promise you won’t think of me as the world’s worst mother. Because I truly feel that way.”
I gave her wine back to her, and stood up to grab the bottle to pour her some more. “Is this about Livvy?”
She’d stared at me, hard, before admitting that at that very moment, Livvy was giving Jon tickets to Mykonos. Apparently, my niece had struck a deal with her boyfriend, and Emi and Jack had agreed to help her follow through with her end of the bargain. Since he was going to Columbia, she was doing to buy him dinner in Greece as a reward.
“I’m still not following you,” I’d interrupted.
“It’s a four-hour flight,” she says. “We thought it would be too exhausting to do all that in one day, so we booked two rooms for one night.”
“And how does this involve me?”
“She needs a chaperone,” Emi had said quickly. “Will you be it?”
“This sounds like a job for Jacks.”
“I don’t think they’ll enjoy themselves with him,” she had told me. “I don’t want them to be reprimanded every few minutes for kissing, or holding hands for too long.”
I reconsidered our conversation. “You booked two rooms… one for Jon, and one for me and Livvy to stay in. Right?”
“Of course,” she said, but she didn’t look at me when she answered. “You’ll watch out for her, won’t you?”
“You know I’d do anything for your daughter. She’s the best thing that’s happened to our family.”
“She is. And she loves you. She trusts you. You two have an honest relationship.”
“We do. We always have.”
“Sometimes I think she feels more comfortable with you than anyone.”
“And I don’t take that lightly.”
“I know you don’t, Matty. Just take care of her.”
“Whatever she wants,” I’d told her, still unsure of her message to me, but suddenly distracted. “Did you say I’m going to Greece?!”
“The morning after the wedding, yes.”
Greek men. She didn’t have to say anything more. “I’m in.”
LIVVY
“You should try to sleep, baby,” Jon says.
“I can’t,” I tell him.
“Just try. Lie down.” He takes a pillow from the row across from us and sets it in his lap, then lifts his eyebrows at me with a smile.
I undo my safety belt and tuck my legs up on the window seat, lying down with my head on the pillow and facing him. I look up and thank him quietly. “I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you, too, baby.” His disheveled t-shirt leaves a hint of skin, just above the waistband of his jeans. I lift the shirt a little further, and kiss his stomach. The touch surprises him, as is evident by his sudden intake of air. I do it again.
He caresses my head with one hand, pulling his shirt down with the other. His thumb brushes my lips and lingers, giving me something else to kiss. When I glance back up, he’s smiling down at me.
“Go to sleep,” he encourages, rearranging his legs by propping them onto another seat. He reclines his chair, which makes it easier for me to see him, and him, me.
“I don’t regret anything,” I tell him softly. He glances toward the front of the plane where my father sits before responding.
“I’m glad,” he says. “Thank you. For the best night of my life, thank you. I’m just sorry it had to end the way it did.”
I feel the same way. In all the times I thought about our first time together, we always woke up to birds singing, the sun shining, the two of us kissing.
This morning, there were no birds. There was no sun. There were kisses, but they weren’t passionate, desperate ones like I thought they’d be. They were kind, though, and reassuring. They were comforting. They were what I needed after the news of Granna’s death.
And I lied to Jon. For the most part, I don’t regret anything… except I do regret not answering the call that came in last night just as we were settling into bed. You can’t change it now, Livvy. You have to deal with the consequences.
I can’t help but wonder, though… what if? Would she still be with us now? Could I have helped her in some way, thousands of miles across the sea? No, Livvy. And that’s why you just have to move on.
I feel like I let her down in some way. I feel guilty. I don’t want to feel guilty for last night. Jon and I are in love, and had every right to express our feelings in the way we did.
Would Granna have been disappointed, though? For the fact that I ignored her call, yes. For the fact that Jon and I slept together, yes. For the fact that I lied to my parents, and had every intention of maintaining that lie, yes.
I know I’ve let her down. To escape that, I think sleep would be best.
EMI
I guess no one in the Wilson family wanted a long, drawn-out goodbye. Sudden deaths sure did run in that family, and now, there are no Wilsons left. I guess, technically, Nate was the last one. He was the only son of two only children. With Donna’s passing comes the end of her family line, the Corlisses.
It makes me want to have more children, which is an impossibility for us. I’d opted for an hysterectomy after Trey was born. The stress from my only successful pregnancy almost caused it not to be. The last few months came with too many warnings, too many moments that scared me, moved me to tears.
That emptiness I once felt days after Nate died, and again months later, returns now. I want Jack’s family line to go on forever. He is such a good man and father. Technically, only our son can do that for us.
I shake my head, disgusted at my own thoughts. I hate thinking for a second that Livvy’s children wouldn’t be just as valued to us. Of course they would. And for her, she would give our family history to any offspring. The blood in her veins would extend the lines of two other families. Families she doesn’t know. Of course she knows about the DeLuca family… but there’s a whole other side we know nothing about.
I wonder if she’ll ever be curious about her birthfather. A part of me is afraid she will. Afraid for Jacks more than anyone else. With the heartbreak he suffered last year as Livvy began questioning her identity, I never want him to have to go through something else like that. I’m so grateful we’re past that phase, though. The past couple of months have been wonderful in our family. Livvy’s back to her old self, painting and learning and growing up so fast. She no longer blocks out her father from her life. I suspect she knew in her heart all along that there was no father better than Jacks, but the rebellious teen in her decided to stake its claim for a few years. I like to think that girl’s gone, but I know I’m only fooling myself.
Jon and Livvy are back together, and with Jon enrolling in college this year, I suspect we’re in for even more change in our daughter over the next few mo
nths. All I can hope is that she’s honest with us, that she’s open with me, at least. We’ve had a great relationship over the past few years. I hope being in a serious relationship with her boyfriend doesn’t change that.
Serious. Did it get more serious for them in Mykonos? If given the freedom to do whatever she wanted for one evening with Jon, would she choose to sleep with him? I knew I shouldn’t have let Matty go with them. I should have been there. I didn’t want to go, though. I didn’t want to be the disciplinarian… nor did I want to be the one who allowed her daughter one night with the boy she loves.
The romantic in me took away my good judgment. The regrets I had from my own youth clouded my decision. I’m a horrible mother.
“Sweetie, what is it?” my sister-in-law asks me in a hushed voice, careful not to wake Trey or the other passengers on the 757.
“I just wish Jacks and Livvy were here.”
“We’ll all be together again soon.”
“I wish my mother could have come with us, too.” Kelly squeezes my hand. “I wonder if Livvy needs me.”
“I’m sure Jacks is taking excellent care of her, Em. But of course she needs you. I think you will bring her a special kind of comfort that no one else can. And I know she’ll do the same for you.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to distract myself once again. I’ve done well, keeping in the tears on this commercial flight. It’s easier with so many strangers around. But how is my daughter coping on that private jet? I fear she’s inconsolable… even if she is with the three most important men in her life. She needs her mother. She needs her horrible mother.
“Kelly, did you ever feel like you’d made a decision that would seriously alter your kids’ lives? Like, in a bad way?”
“Plenty of times,” she answers, glaring out of the corners of her eyes. She laughs lightly. “Jacks said you might get lost in your thoughts. What’s going on?”
“I just think I made a poor decision where Livvy is concerned.”
“You probably did,” she says plainly.
I look at her, surprised. “I think I should have given her limits, when I didn’t…“
“Did you do it at gunpoint?”
“Huh?” I ask her.
“Did you force her into something at gunpoint?”
“Of course not!”
“Did you drug her, and disable her own decision making skills?”
“No…“
“She’s still alive, and healthy… so whatever you did can’t be that bad.”
“It might be…“
“Livvy’s a very smart girl. Putting aside the few moments of her life when you made this poor decision, you equipped her with a fair amount of knowledge and good judgment over the rest of her entire life.”
“But–”
“Not to mention my brother’s involvement. Not to lessen what you’ve done for her, but Jack is the dominant parent in your family. Maybe he made the right decision.”
“I took away that opportunity from him,” I mumble.
“Well, then, maybe Livvy made the right decision for herself. Wouldn’t that blow your mind?” she says, still poking fun at my worry.
“I don’t think she’s old enough to make this decision, though… I don’t think she knows what the right decision for her would be.”
“Is this about Jon?”
I nod, rolling my eyes.
“Are you regretting this Mykonos dinner date that she talked you into?”
I nod once more.
“And you don’t trust Matty…“ The way she says it, I know she wouldn’t have, either.
“I love Matty,” I admit. “I feel like Matty understands the silly, romantic side of me better than Jacks does.”
“Because Matty is silly and romantic.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “And it’s for that exact reason that I think he was a poor choice of chaperone.”
“Livvy is still alive and healthy,” she repeats. “And if anything happened between her and Jon, they’re both responsible kids with specific and important plans for their futures. I don’t think either of them would take chances that might hinder those plans.”
“You just called them kids. Kids can’t make decisions about their futures.”
“Of my kids, Brandon is the only one who waited until college.”
“The girls, too?”
“Madeleine was seventeen. Jackie was eighteen.”
“Both older than Liv…“
“Andrew was sixteen. Livvy’s age. Maddie’s got a great job. Jackie’s on the Dean’s list. Andrew… well, he’s Andrew, but it’s safe to say he’d turn out the clown he is whether or not he had sex at sixteen. He’s been that way since birth. But he is ambitious and resourceful. He’ll be fine.”
“How do you know all of this?”
“Jackie’s always been the confidant… the listener… and you know how close we are. Strategic planning on my part,” she says cockily, and I laugh. “The younger kids are close, and they talk. I only know about Brandon because he talked to Jacks about protection before he did it.”
“Yikes. No offense, but are you sure you can’t blame Brandon’s indiscretions on Jacks? Maybe he gave him bad info,” I tease her. “And he’s the dominant parent…“ I linger on that thought.
“No, no,” Kelly says. “I know Jacks gave accurate information and supplies. Brandon was never a good listener.”
“Right, that’s Jackie.”
“Right,” she says.
“We’ll be home in a few hours. You’ll be able to gauge for yourself how much damage you’ve done. But I would guess that she’s still on track to be the brilliant painter she’s wanted to be since she was four. Maybe she’ll be even better now, you never know.”
I sigh heavily. “She’s still too young. Yesterday, I didn’t think so. Today, imagining how distraught she is with Donna’s passing, and knowing she’s never experienced loss like this… We have so much to teach her still.”
“And she’ll still be receptive to learn from you, no matter what happened last night. You know as well as I do that sex is not the earth-shattering event it’s built up to be. It’s a part of life. As long as they’re taking all the necessary precautions every time, they’ll be fine. And if you’re not sure they are, then that’s the conversation you have when you get home. As for last night, though, I guarantee Matty would have made sure Jon was prepared. I’m sure Jon was the best-informed guy in Greece.”
Sex wasn’t taboo to my brother-in-law. That, I knew from years of conversations that would make Jacks blush every time. “I’m sure he was.”
JON
I wave at Olivia as the town car pulls away from the curb. All the way from the airport, she leaned into her father as he spoke to her in a low voice, trying to comfort her. I feel like a failure. For the last hour of the flight, she wouldn’t stop crying, and I wasn’t sure what to say, or do. Honestly, I was frustrated, and I’m not sure if it was with her, or with me, but my nerves are more than frayed and I have this nagging urge to be alone.
The exhaustion is definitely setting in. After getting about three hours of sleep in Mykonos, and none on the eight-hour flight back home, I could probably curl up on the concrete steps leading to my building and blend in with the locals. Glancing down at my disheveled clothes, it wouldn’t be hard. The monogrammed bag with my laptop in it would make me stand out a little. The fact that I’m thinking about this at all depresses me. I don’t want to go inside. I don’t want to see my mother.
The morning before I left the states, she didn’t even get out of bed to see me off. I can put on my tough exterior, but there’s always a lingering element of pain and hurt when I think about Mom. I feel like I’ve always been a burden to her, rather than a blessing. No child should feel that way, be it an eighteen-year-old son who knows the reality of the situation or a little boy who still thinks his mother hung the moon. Although the peace of the library down the street beckons me, I’m anxious to see Max and Will. Maybe my mom
won’t be home.
Even though it’s mid-morning, I enter the apartment quietly. Max is asleep on the couch. On a typical summer day, he would be out playing with friends by now. Our bedroom door is closed, as is Mom’s door. After setting my things down, I sit next to my youngest brother, patting his leg to wake him up.
He smells like he’s been outside playing.
“Buddy?”
“Jon!” he exclaims, throwing off the sheet and embracing me tightly.
“Hey, Max, how are you?”
“I was scared,” he says through a yawn. He wipes his eyes with the backs of his hands.
“Scared? Of what?”
“I heard noises last night.”
“What kind of noises?”
“Scary noises,” he answers vaguely.
“From where?”
“The hallway.”
“So you decided to sleep out here?”
“I wanted to protect Mommy.”
“Well it doesn’t sound like you were scared, little guy. It sounds like you were very brave.” He nods sleepily. “Is Will in bed?”
“Yeah,” he says weakly.
“He didn’t help you guard the apartment.”
“He said, ‘screw Mommy.’” I can’t even count how many times I’d thought the same sentiment, but I was careful to never say anything around my brothers. I’m mad that Will would say it to Max.
“Did Mom help you shower last night?”
“She said I didn’t have to.”
“Did she?”
“She was in a hurry to leave.”
“For work?”
“No. She said she had a date.”
“A date? Did you see the man?”
“Nope.” I guess I can be thankful she didn’t bring her current loser to the apartment with my brothers here.
“What time did she get home?”
“I dunno.”
“You didn’t hear her?”
“Nope.”
“Listen, why don’t you go get some fresh clothes and get cleaned up?”
