by Ava Danielle
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of the author or publisher.
Copyright © 2018 by Ava Danielle
Cover design: Jeanie’s Jewels
Editor:
Formatting: Ava Danielle
Promotion: Country Reads Promotions
To everyone who wonders if I’m writing about them,
I am ;)
Surround yourself with people that get you. Surround yourself with people that will become your lifeline. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. There are five of us that are inseparable. We do everything we can together and even though Noah and I are a couple, it doesn’t bother the other three. Bennett, Cassie, and Jana are all super close with us and we try to respect not being all over each other when we’re around them. Cassie and Noah tried dating a few weeks ago, but that didn’t work out. He told me it’s because he couldn’t stop thinking about me. Honestly, I felt the same about him. Noah and I’ve known each other since middle school and at some point he and I connected on a much deeper level.
Bennett and Noah are football players for our high school. They’re pretty badass. Cassie, Jana, and I are cheerleaders – ONLY because we wanted to be close to the guys. I know it sounds crazy; the crazier part is we’ve perfected that fake chipper smile. Supporting our guys we cheer them on at every game. Once the footballs are over we head to the closest Waffle House and spend that time celebrating another win. Noah usually sits next to me, but often to none, so does Bennett. For a little while I thought maybe I had a crush on him, he is pretty good looking, but Noah has always been the one that caught my eye. I also don’t think Bennett sees me in any other way than as a little sister kind of friend. He’s never mentioned liking me and I’m not about to ruin a friendship telling him that I might have developed a crush. It would destroy everything the five of us have built.
Instead I concentrate on this relationship I have developed with Noah. He’s not just my boyfriend, but also my best friend. We talk pretty much about everything – even my lady problems. We have settled into each other in such a perfect way – he’s my rock, the one that builds me up when I’m having a bad day, the one to make me smile, laugh, giggle, and feel happy. I have noticed, Bennett and I had never been left alone until today.
Whilst skating at the local skating rink Noah had received a disturbing phone call from his parents and had to leave to check on them. Bennett and I were the only people left skating in circles trying to outskate each other. We’re laughing and having a good time but in the back of mind I felt a sense of guilt to be enjoying my time with Bennett without Noah. His words, “don’t take too good care of her,” replayed in mind as he left us behind. Confused I observed Bennett’s face as those words fall and notice a wink in his direction. “What’s taking you so long,” Bennett laughs as he’s made it through another full circle leaving me behind. “I’m exhausted, I need a break,” I brake on the side rail and take a breather. “Wimp,” he shoulder bumps me as he joins me, “You about ready to go home?” His behavior towards me shows I’m nothing more than a friend for him and I need to remember Noah is my better half.
As we make our way through the door to the parking lot we’re met with a rainstorm soaking us alone from the two seconds it took to get out of the door. “Shit,” I mumble as he pulls his jacket off and wraps me in it helping me run to my car. It’s a sweet moment I could be reading into way too much. He pulls his jacket back, helps me into the driver’s seat of my car, tells me bye, and disappears. Never taking my eyes off him I notice him take one last look back at me before disappearing into his truck. And that was it. The most intimate moment Bennett and I ever shared. His friendship with Noah meant more than anything, my relationship with Noah meant more than anything – we were all happy!
The blaze rising from the ground burning away the boulders, the structure, and everything inside, I stand frozen behind the yellow tape watching Firefighters attempt to do their best to contain the fire. I’m shaking enclosed in a blanket an EMT covered me with while asking me questions I simply can’t answer. Frantically screaming in a whisper for them to check for my boyfriend, they don’t hear me. I can’t move. I’m stuck. On replay, the moment he walked in the door as we said our goodbyes. I walked away and he went up in flames. I can’t figure out why. Why I’m freezing watching a house burn. His house. He left me behind.
“Ma’am,” someone tries to get my attention, “could we ask you a few questions?” a police officer, a nice blonde lady bothers me at the upmost inopportune time.
I lost it, “I don’t know what happened. Can’t you get my boyfriend out of there? What is taking so long? Why are you talking to me, he’s inside, he’s burning and you’re fucking asking me questions? I don’t fucking know what happened. I left, he went inside, what the fuck do you want from me?”
“Does your boyfriend have any enemies?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I throw the blanket that had kept me warm in her face and walk away.
“Ma’am, stop!” she shouts, but I ignore her.
Alone I roam the streets until I find the bushes Noah and I used to hide away in sharing our first kisses. Noah and I were inseparable. We were a couple no one could mess with. We were deeply in love even in middle school. They judged us wondering if it wasn’t too early, but our friendship turned to love on a much deeper level, it was hard to touch us.
To think I might never see him again breaks me into a million pieces. And as I watch the house burn and wait for that moment they carry him out, I sob like a child who has lost a teddy bear down a gully. The moment I see a hefty firefighter escape the house with a body in his arms, I come out of my shelter and run towards him. “Noah!” I shout as I near the house, “Noah!” but no response. Say something, Noah. His body is being carried into the ambulance, the doors slam before I could even get to him running down a crowded street, watching the ambulance drive away. “Noooooo,” I scream dropping my knees to the ground.
“Jenna,” Mrs. Roberts falls next to me, “Child, are you alright?”
“They took him,” I mumble over and over again.
“Jenna,” her husband joins as he tries to help me off the ground, “let me take you to the hospital.”
Time seems to speed, but everything I see flash by me through the glass window of a moving car moves slowly. Mr. Roberts’ soothing words of comfort repeat in my head. He’ll be all right; he’ll be just fine, you’ll see. Over and over I repeat exactly what he says. I try to believe him. I try to make sense of it all. Maybe I don’t deserve love.
Arriving at the hospital before entering the door, the same EMT who had handed me the blanket meets me halfway. “Ma’am,” no one knows my name, no one knows who I even am, “Jenna,” I finally say. “I’m afraid to tell you he didn’t make it,” she is met with the blonde police officer. “What?” What I just heard her say can’t be right. He’s fine. Mr. Roberts told me so. He’s just fine. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” they both look down to the ground; I’m shell-shocked.
Wake up, Jenna.
Wake up.
This is a nightmare.
You jus
t need to wake up.
It’s. All. A Dream.
The following morning, I wake in my bed and take one look around. The right side of my bed is completely empty, though I hear noises coming from the other room. I live in a small apartment and every footstep can be heard. “Noah,” my voice still shaky from waking up. “Noah?” I hear no response. Sliding out of bed and into some sweat pants I make my way through the hallway listening to the strange noises. Surprised to see two strangers dressed in black with ski masks, I try to be quiet turning around heading back to my bedroom, when I feel arms wrap around me. “Let go,” I scream fighting a stranger off me.
“I thought you said she wasn’t home.”
“Her boyfriend died, I figured she was anywhere but here,” the other stranger protests as he’s rummaging through my things.
“Let me go, I won’t say anything,” I try to fight the man off me but his hands have a tight grip on me.
“Too late,” he argues as he pushes me into my bedroom and holds the door shut.
“Fuck,” I mumble as I grab my phone to call 911.
I hear the front door slam and after my call with the police, I slowly creep out of the bedroom to take a look around. No one is around. Complete silence with a muddled living room I sneak around all the corners checking every inch of the room, I worry someone will jump out at me from somewhere. My heart is trying to beat out of my chest. “Hello?” I stutter and jump at the sound of the doorbell.
Police Officers are taking a look around questioning me as if I’m a suspect in a robbery gone wrong.
“Listen. I don’t know what happened. I was asleep, woke up to strange noises, I thought it was my boyfriend, but instead I found two strange men covered in black clothing with ski masks rummaging through my things and you seem to think I’m making this up? Why are you questioning me as if I’ve done something wrong? Clearly, you should be out there searching every sketchy person. I’m the one that was assaulted and thrown into a room after I caught them. They didn’t find anything; I don’t keep anything anyone would want. I don’t have valuable jewelry. Nothing. I don’t know why they would be here.”
“Jenna, do you remember me?” a blonde officer sits next to me trying to calm me.
“You look familiar,” I mention when suddenly, I realize, nothing was a dream. Reality hit. Noah really did pass away in a house fire and I’m really sitting here pretending all is good in the world.
Breaking down trying to make sense of it all, I can’t control the tears. Reality really has a hold on me. You never know what the next surprise will be; you never know what you’re faced with. Sure, it’s exciting to look forward to the unknown, but the unknown can come with so much heartache and pain and you’re left suffering. Was it worth it, the excitement for the Unknown? The unknown came for me and I’m faced with making decisions I have no clue how to attempt making in the first place.
Robotic moves have taken control over my life. I’ve made decisions with Noah’s lawyers, funeral arrangements were already stated, and I followed lead and did exactly what was asked of me. I was never able to say goodbye to Noah. His body was completely unrecognizable, crumbled to pieces because of the fire, according to everyone taking charge of the funeral. I was thankful not to have to make any decisions and could just follow suit. It made it easier. I miss Noah so much, honestly, I’m glad when the funeral is behind me and I can move forward in my life. Unfortunately, no one has been able to find the strangers who broke into my apartment and there seems to be no cause of the fire that burned Noah’s house and him. Utterly confused and disappointed in our system, I try to move past this and live my own life missing Noah.
A somber funeral with not many people surrounding his gravesite, I try to make sense of any of it. He was taken from me far too soon. We still had so much to give each other. We still had so long to live, so many plans to fulfill, so many dreams to achieve together, we were going to be happy and die happy one day. Yet, here I am crying over a grave even though not but two weeks ago we were enjoying a nice dinner and I left his house never expecting to lose him so gruesomely.
It’s for the best to pack my camera and finally take up the opportunity to travel the states working for the offer of a lifetime. It’s time to start thinking of myself and put me first. It’s time to move forward and take up chances I had never taken. It’s not that Noah was holding me back; it was I holding back for Noah because of love. That love is gone. I can’t sit and wish and hope to go back to the things they were, but I’ve come to realize, he’s gone and I must make my peace with it. Mother always taught me – there’s no use crying over something you can’t control. It’s not that I won’t miss him every day, or I go on living life as if he never existed. It’s nothing of that sort. Instead, it’s me taking life into my hands because it can end tomorrow. There are so many things on my bucket list and I must find the courage to do them. The courage is NOW.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving me,” my best friend Cassie sits on the edge of my bed watching me pack a bag with one plane ticket in my hand.
“Cassie, I’ve told you. I can’t sit here and wait for the day for someone else to bust into my apartment for whatever reason. I need to escape for a while. And this is the best opportunity. I’ve received this offer so many times and declined over and over because I didn’t want to leave Noah. He’s no longer here. I can go now and I’m fortunate enough for them to still give me that chance. It’s time to go, Cassie. But hello, we have text,” I wave my phone into her direction.
“I know, it just won’t be the same.”
Best friends love you unconditionally. Their support should never be taken for granted. Cassie has been by my side through thick and thin. Sure, we’ve had our fights during high school, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t learn from our mistakes or know how to move forward. I wouldn’t be the person I am without her. She’s taught me just as much as I’ve taught her as we grew up. Our parents turned out to become best friends too, so we’re pretty fortunate. It’s hard to leave her behind for a little while; it’s time to think about myself. It’s time I figure out where I should be in life. Nashville is my home. I won’t leave it behind with intentions of never coming back; on the contrary, I look forward to my return. Especially since Cassie has a wedding planned for later in the year.
“If you don’t feel comfortable checking on the apartment, I completely understand. These are the spare keys though if you could just keep an eye out for me,” I hand her a set of keys with Noah’s initials.
“I’ll guard them with my life,” she jokes.
“Alright, I’m all set,” I close up the suitcase and grab my favorite purple scarf.
Bravely I leave my apartment behind jumping into the passenger seat of Cassie’s car as she drives me to the airport. My first destination awaits me and I couldn’t be more ready.
Smell of rain overpowers the smell of country air. The taxi zooms by all landmarks on the way to my hotel. The magazine has paid for all my stays on this journey and in some way it’s like a treasure hunt along the way. Uncertain of where I’m going until I’ve arrived and fulfill my tasks, I have to check my email daily with updates as to my jobs. It’s a great change of pace from my previous arrangements. I sat behind a desk editing images other photographers were taking and shared them in the magazine with someone else’s name. This time it’s my name, my photos, and my stories describing the images. It’s exciting and new and the best distraction from all the heartache.
“Welcome to Seattle,” the hotel bellboy rolls my suitcase into the room as I admire the Space Needle from a distance through the big windows showing off this massive rainy city.
“Thank you,” I whisper as I hand him a few dollars tip closing the door after him.
Falling on top of the bed I stare at the ceiling questioning everything around me with an overwhelming feeling. I’ve never left Nashville. I’ve never ventured on a plane. I’ve never been on my own in such a way. Today has been the first of many. For
the first time I’m living my own life not caring about anyone but myself. For the first time I’m living exactly my dreams with the sadness behind me.
Checking my email for my first appointment of tomorrow I stumble across my itinerary and get beyond excited. I’ll be exploring territories I’ve only ever dreamed of. But there’s another email that takes me by surprise.
Dear Jenna
I know you’re probably surprised to hear from me. I know it’s been many, many years and when I learned about Noah’s passing I couldn’t help but reach out to you. How are you? I know that’s morbid to ask after such a tragedy, but I wanted you to know I’ve been thinking about you. I don’t expect a reply, actually, I’m not even sure what to put in this email, but I felt I needed to see how you’re holding up. We used to be friends in high school, although that was so long ago, I would hope you know you can reach out to me. I hadn’t stopped thinking about you.
If you need anything, please don’t hesitate.
Love,
Bennett
Noah and Bennett were friends back in high school. Noah and I were dating, so initially he became my friend. Once high school was over, we parted ways and Bennett was never able to stay in the picture. Looking back now, I’m not sure why Noah and Bennett never stayed in touch. Through the grapevine I heard of him marrying Sabrina, none of us were invited to the wedding; initially I thought he just closed that chapter in his life. Honestly, I wouldn’t have be surprised. Now though, to hear from him after so many years I’m stunned. Debating on replying, I close my laptop back up and prepare for the next day.
The first day of my new life starts in only a few hours.
